It sure is difficult for women during pregnancy, but please, for once, let’s think about the men! Oh yes, you've heard of pregnancy brain (women going a little bit nuts while they're pregnant), but with the faulty wiring in some men's brains, pregnancy might do more damage to them than a lobotomy.
Or maybe men really think they're helping when they say things like “This is a 50/50 responsibility and I'm carrying out 100% of my duties. Along with yours. And anything else I have to do!” We love them, but men sure are weird. Here are our favorite examples of some of the weirdest heights that men have reached in the pregnancy experience:
15 Practicing Birthing...Without Me
We must have run though the birthing procedure a hundred times in our classes. We had it down, I'm telling you. But my husband, ever the perfectionist and teacher's pet, was adamant about getting it to a hard science. I finally reached a stress level where I had to say no, I'm not practicing anymore.
So he practiced on his own, and I watched. Yeah, he played both “characters” - imitating what I'll be like in labor and then jumping aside to play himself guiding me. And he did this in the class, in full view of EVERYBODY. Still not the worst one-man show I've ever seen.
- Clara O
14 My Very Own Cry Baby-Man
I'm basically a whale at this point, and one night I woke up to my husband absolutely sobbing in the bathroom at what must have been 5am. I'm in no right state myself but I'm immediately the sensitive, concerned wife. I even kneel down next to him, difficult as it is with all my extra weight.
I ask him what's wrong and, through his tears, finally says that he has gained 10 pounds since I had gotten pregnant, and then he started crying again. The poor guy, I almost squished him right there with my swollen feet. Oh, and this meltdown kinda started happening once every 15 days ever since that night. *sighs*
- Nessi M
13 Sampling the New Cuisine
I had excitedly gone on a shopping binge at a local health food store and bought some fancy, organic baby food. I usually don't bother with that hipster nonsense but it seemed like a good thing to try. Well, it was trendy enough to impress my husband, to say the least.
I told him he shouldn't eat it, but he desperately wanted to try “the rich people baby food.” Well my friends, here's a lesson for you: baby food is baby food, regardless of the fancy label. And can make for some pretty grossed-out husbands. But did that stop him? Nope. Ever since then, he had to taste everything that was bought for our baby.
- Menikka S
12 That Jerk Bet On Our Child!!
As annoying as fantasy football leagues are, I'd prefer them over this. Let me begin his by saying I hate gambling, but unfortunately my husband loves it. Unknown to me, my partner and his poker buddies started a betting pool that they referred to as the “BGB", or Baby Gender Bet(I would learn).
I kept asking and one of his friends let it slip, and he finally cracked. Turns out, they were placing bets on what the gender f our baby would be. And the pool was nothing to sneeze at – this friend had put down $100 on a girl. Of course I was furious but just after a few days my labor kicked in and I finally gave birth. I was gonna scream my head off at my husband, but he seemed pretty aghast when we found out it was a girl. I guess he got what he deserved.
- Rubina Q
11 The Baby Naming Party
We aren't Jewish, but my husband got into the idea of a baby naming party. I had heard of it before and thought if he really wanted it, it might be an interesting way to celebrate our baby's birth.
He seemed to take the naming party quite literally, though, and thought the party was to have everyone at the party name the baby themselves. Like with a vote.
I asked him to explain exactly how he thought that would make any sense, and I think it was at this moment, after he’d spent hundreds of dollars on the party, that he’d realized what a complete buffoon he’d been. Well, he’s a first time father, so I forgave him for his excessive stupidity.
- Sarah J. H.
10 The Nightmare On Baby Street
I usually dream of things on my to-do list or memories of home. My husband usually dreams about work or his parents, from what he's told me. While I was pregnant, he had a pretty memorable dream. He woke me up in the middle of the night, certain that his dream was a premonition and terrified that our baby would be born with a full set of adult teeth. The image made me burst out laughing, but he was dead serious.
And since then, every few days he’d get weird nightmares which he’d feel the need to share with me. And poor old me – I had to listen to each and every one of them with a very straight facing, pretending like I cared. Yeah, that makes a bad wife. So what?
- Nagma F
9 Because Creating a Scene Simply is Never Enough
I had been lactating for a week or so and was still getting used to it. I was out to dinner with my husband and some liquid seeped out from my breasts and created an embarrassing splotch on my shirt. My husband noticed before I did and started looking nervous. He grabbed my arm and asked if everything was ok and if we needed to call an ambulance.
An ambulance? Like, really? I looked down and saw the spill. And then up at his face. HE realized he’d said that out too loud, and I realized that only after I saw his face. So pretty much everybody in the restaurant heard what he’d said, and I swear to God I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.
- Donna N
8 Learning to Speak Baby
Oh yeah, he went there.
My husband, a self confessed amateur actor, likes to get into character every now and then. He took it upon himself to help me “get accustomed” to life with a baby as he put it, by spending an ENTIRE DAY speaking only in baby sounds. You don't know frustration until you're pregnant, asking your husband from the other room where your missing keys are, and his only response is a loud gurgle.
And no, this wasn’t a one time thing.
- Josie P
7 Where Real and Virtual Life Collided
I love video games, but even for me this went a little far. To be fair both of us got a little carried away while speculating about our baby's future. My dear husband dreamed up what he thought was a great idea and made a Sims version of our future daughter so we could “watch her grow up.”
This went on for a good few weeks, but ended on a low note. In typical Sims fashion, our daughter tragically was abducted by aliens, returned, and then died a day later because she refused to walk around a dirty plate on the floor. And the look on his face – the face of a man responsible for the death of his only (and unborn) child. It was sad and hilarious at the same time.
- Christina D
6 His Diaper-Mania
I've heard that pregnant women tend to get really into different hobbies while they're carrying, like knitting or scrapbooking. What they don't tell you is that your husband will get equally obsessed with other hobbies themselves.
Like diaper collecting, or as my husband described it, “research.” Our house must have had one of every diaper in the industry, maybe even some vintage ones he ordered on eBay. It was nuts. I could have sworn I caught him trying one on at one point. But of course, he vehemently denied the existence of the incident. I’ve never quite looked at him the same way again.
- Neerja H
5 Baking a Scary Baby Cake
If you can call that thing a cake.
Let's call my husband creative. Ok, he really is a talented artist and loves to show off his skills. But as you know, artists can sometimes get too caught up in their weird abstract thoughts and will forget what's, you know, normal. So at our baby shower, he wanted to bake the cake.
Ok, I thought, that's a safe thing for him to be in charge of. Nope. He made the most intricate, and creepiest, cake that looked....like a baby right out of a mother’s belly. Right with the placenta. In front of my and his, entire families. Which we ate. Wow...that’s an image seared right into my brain.
- Andrea G
4 Hit Me Baby One More Time!
We're music geeks, but my boyfriend prides himself on the eccentricities of his passion. What that usually means is him blasting music in his headphones late at night. During our pregnancy, though, he took on a new level of passion. He made a baby playlist.
Not music for the baby, no. Not calming music for a distressed pregnant mother. Nope, instead he made a playlist of any song that referenced the word baby. And he really listened to it. On repeat. After a week of this I understood what Britney meant in that iconic song of hers.
3 Questioning MY Weight Gain
I started putting on weight early in the process, like 3 weeks in. My husband, ever sensitive and thoughtful, had one simple question for me one night: are you sure the due date isn't sooner?
Oh, so you thought all pregnancy stories were gonna be cute or funny? No. Sometimes husbands can be such insensitive jerks! Of course, from that day onward, he lost every right to touch my belly till the time he came crawling back, begging for forgiveness.
- Katilyn A
2 His Calendar Countdown
For my last month (give or take a week) of pregnancy, my husband made us a sort-of advent calendar to countdown the days to our due date. He even decorated it with flattering drawings of me in stick figure form, but with a giant belly. Anyway, he put treats into each day like an advent calendar – a chocolate for me and a daily Xanax for him.
And where was this calendar placed? No, not in the secrecy of our bedroom, but right near our drawing room’s door. You know, some place where every fricking person entering our house could see.
- A still very angry wife
1 Doing “Pregnancy” Yoga
Alright so this one isn’t exactly a pregnancy scare kinda story, but it’s funny nonetheless. I'm not pregnant (though we've been trying), so a friend had given me a DVD of yoga for pregnant women as a joke gift.
Having never done any yoga in my life, I stored it away. At least someone got use out of it though, since I came home from the grocery store one day to find my hubby not just watching it, but following along with the yoga instructions.
I stood in silence for about a minute before he noticed me, and said feebly, “I thought it was for helping couples get pregnant, but then I got into it. And yoga’s tough to get out of.” I still am not sure whether I should have bought him a regular yoga DVD or just let him have his weird male-pregnancy fantasy.
- Susan R