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15 Hilarious Things Only Breastfeeding Moms Will Understand

Breastfeeding can be an absolute riot! Breastfeeding moms often have to make a ton of decisions around feeding the baby the natural way...

Breastfeeding can be an absolute riot! Breastfeeding moms often have to make a ton of decisions around feeding the baby the natural way, and many of the choices are things bottle-feeding parents never have to think twice about. Sometimes things the baby does will crack us up, sometimes it’s our own bodies, and sometimes, it’s the ridiculous looks and comments from strangers.

When you’re toting a little milkdud around 24/7, you have to adjust how you do everything… literally everything. There is no longer any sense in picking that fancy push-up bra, wearing shirts that are hard to take off, or anything along those lines. The girls are no longer a purely sexual and aesthetic part of the female form, they’re the fuel that keeps the baby going.

When you start breastfeeding, you’re basically handing your girls over to the baby and hoping it’s a smooth ride. But heaven knows... there will be some hilariously awkward moments that leave you cracking up. You can bet there will be more than a few nip slips, milk squirts, nips, and epic remarks from your guy. If you’re a breastfeeding mom, or know someone who is, you absolutely need to read on to find out the 15 Hilarious Things Only Breastfeeding Moms Will Understand.

15Feeling “All Touched Out”

Breastfeeding is the most wonderful thing in the world, until your baby starts doing it all day. There will be teething days, growth spurt days, or just fussy days where you will probably want to duck in the closet and scream at the top of your lungs because your poor chest doesn’t feel like your own anymore.

If you’re anything like me, you might momentarily think, “Gosh, what a terrible monster of a mom I am, getting upset like this,” but don’t worry… it’s totally normal. Most breastfeeding moms get “all touched out” and hilariously pissed for a moment at some point in the journey. We’re only human, after all. You just have to remind yourself that the bond is worth it and your little one is thriving thanks to you, and the feeling will pass.

14Having Mismatched Girls

A lot of women have one girl that’s bigger than the other, but it seems to only get more ridiculous when you start breastfeeding. Sometimes the baby favors one side of mommy’s chest, so that one will fill up faster and get more engorged than the other. This can go on for a little while or for the whole time you breastfeed. Mom might feel like she’s toting around two different caliber milk bags.

I remember how excited I was when my milk finally came in and my chest went from a C to a D or DD. That joyous time was short-lived, however, and now my girls fluctuate depending on my tot’s nursing schedule. Sometimes the girls are totally uneven, sometimes they’re both great, and sometimes, they’re meh. Most days, you just have to laugh!

13Using The Milk As A Cure-All

One of the greatest and funniest things about breastmilk is the variety of ways you can use it. Baby got too much sun? Squirt some milk on there. Baby has a rash? Milk! Dry skin? Milkies! The possibilities are literally endless.

Using milk as a cure-all gets really funny when other people get to witness it happening. A lot of people don’t know the benefits of mom’s milk for healing all kinds of problems, so you can’t help but laugh when the mother-in-law looks on with horror as you douse the little one’s eczema patch with that golden goodness.

I’ve used milk on my baby with everything from dry skin to irritations to diaper rash. I’ve done this in front of the pediatrician, family, and my guy. Though I just casually explain how the magic milk works, I definitely LOL on the inside.

12The Jealous Hubby

One of the things we don’t anticipate about having a baby is the jealous hubby. I can guarantee you: at some point in the adventure of parenthood, the hubby will get jealous of the baby being on you constantly or the baby giving all of the cuddles and affection to mama. Some hubbies will go so far as to wish they were the baby; just a warm little miniature person with no responsibilities other than spending enough time on the milky pillows and making enough diapers.

After you’re done giggling about your guy’s innate jealousy, tell him to come snuggle up with you and enjoy the quiet time while it lasts. Pretty soon, that baby will be a wild mess, running around the house getting into all kinds of mischief.

11The Ridiculous Shame Of Public Breastfeeding

There are only a couple of reactions you can have when someone tries to shame you for public breastfeeding; you can get angry, be ambivalent or you can laugh your butt off at that moron. I usually choose to take the first or last route.

What’s really funny are people who think that the female chest is just a sex object and that feeding the baby in public is somehow “indecent.” If someone tells you to breastfeed in the bathroom, feel free to ask, “Do you eat your meals sitting on the john?” If they ask why you don’t use a blanket, tell them, “What a good idea! Why not use my blanket to cover your face!” Or my favorite, “If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta! Oh, hold on, I have pictures…” Sense of humor is key, here!

10Going Potty One-Handed

I dreamed about having a baby since I was a little girl, like a lot of moms do. What I never envisioned, though, is literally having to carry the little guy with me to the potty more times than I can count.

Whether you’re going number one or number two, it’s not easy with a chest barnacle clamped on there. You will learn to perfect the one-handed wipe, one-handed flush, and one-handed hand wash. Perhaps the only thing funnier (or more horrifying) than having to do this is picturing the hubby doing the same thing when you finally get some time away from the house.

If you keep breastfeeding into toddlerhood (almost 22 months here, and going strong!), you’ll know what it’s like to carry a 20-something pounder with you to the loo, and it only gets funnier/more ridiculous the longer you breastfeed.

9Getting Dressed Around The Chest

Gone are the days of “which bra looks best under this shirt” and “does this tank top make me look fat?” When you’re a breastfeeding mom, you tend to pick what’s easiest to rip off the fastest when the little one wants to nurse. That means choosing outfits based on how efficiently the top can be pulled down without ruining the shirt, or how convenient the straps are to pull down.

This is where camies become mom’s best friend. You can throw a cami under whatever you’re wearing (or wear it alone) and you’re always ready to free the girls. If you’re like me, you’ll find that your favorite (and cutest) clothes get forgotten in the abyss of your closet, just waiting for the day fashion matters again.

8Constantly Adjusting The Girls

You know how men are always adjusting their junk and no one thinks twice about it? Well, us ladies don’t always have that same luxury. It can be very awkward and hilarious when you stop to adjust yourself in public or in traffic. Really, what can you do except laugh when a random passerby catches you making sure the girls are properly covered or tucked into the bra?

Possibly the only thing more hilarious than this is when you’ve been walking around with half of your chest out without even realizing it. That’s when you’ve reached breastfeeding mom level 1,000. Don’t be embarrassed, this happens to the best of us. I’ve totally walked around the block with baby in his carrier and not even known I was partially exposed. Oh well.

7When Baby Yanks

There’s nothing more adorable and hilarious than those chubby little baby hands reaching up and pulling down mama’s shirt. I laughed the first time my baby did this and I still laugh while he does it as a toddler. What’s really great is when he runs across the room just to reach for his favorite thing.

If your little one is anything like mine, they’ll screech and whine when the shirt isn’t budging or if it’s not freeing the milks fast enough. There is nothing more laughable than a totally impatient baby wanting to nurse. We call our guy “the baby dictator” for this reason. It’s all fun and games until the whining and the screeching turns into a full on fit, though.

6Feeling Like A Jungle Gym

Every breastfeeding mama can understand feeling like your body is a jungle gym once the baby is out of the newborn stage. Getting kicked, punched, scratched, climbed on, tickled and tackled are some of the perks of having a little one on you all the time. It gets especially hilarious when the baby does this stuff and then laughs. And don’t even get me started on the hair pulling - hair ties truly are a mom’s best friend.

If you’re not cracking up when your little angel decides to turn you into a climbing wall, there’s a strong chance the hubby is. Everything is extra funny when it’s not happening to you, right? The same goes for getting pooped on, tooted on, and spit up on by the nursing bundle of joy.

5When The Girls Leak

This is the one funny and embarrassing thing most moms will experience while breastfeeding. Right after my little guy was born, we went to Five Guys to grab a bite. It was only after I sat down in the FULL restaurant that I noticed the right side of my chest had sprung a big leak.

They make nursing pads you can slide into the bra, but they’re honestly like little face rounds you use to put astringent or toner on, except more expensive. I bought these after it was too late, and then the leaking never happened again. I guess my advice here is to wear dark colors during those especially bountiful nursing days. The good thing is that most people probably won’t be staring at it or noticing your chest, but that doesn’t make it any less blush-worthy.

4The First Time They Bite Down

I’m pretty sure I yelled the first time my little one chomped down on his milks a few short months ago. Though the girls really do “toughen up” after a while of nursing, that doesn’t make it any less painful or unexpected when the biting starts.

Luckily, this has only happened to me a few times, and now, I can’t help but laugh out loud and immediately text daddy when it does happen.

People think you need to stop breastfeeding the second baby gets some teeth, but that’s honestly not true. Chances are, they won’t be nibbling frequently and it won’t be bad enough to make you want to stop altogether. Also, avoid scolding the baby because this will probably just set them off into a tantrum, and then you’ll both be crying more than laughing.

3The Insatiable Appetite

No one understands constant hunger and cravings better than the breastfeeding mama (except maybe the pregnant mama)! The cravings and appetite you feel during breastfeeding are right up there with pregnancy, for a lot of moms. Breastfeeding is funny and awesome because you can pile on the yummy food while still burning lots of calories. Your guy might laugh when you wolf down a meal in 5 seconds, but he can’t possibly understand how draining it is to nurse!

Moms need to eat and drink plenty when they’re producing milk, and even if you’re trying to lose the baby weight, you probably have a lot of leeway thanks to the baby gulping away constantly. I never weighed as little as I do now that I breastfeed and I never count calories!

2The Art Of Buying Perfect Pillows

Having a baby means becoming an expert in the art of buying baby gear, and nursing moms in particular have a whole big world of stuff to learn about. First, you have to pick a good breast pump. Then, you have to find out the difference between nursing pillows that look exactly alike (but are “VERY DIFFERENT” according to dozens of online mommies). It can all be hilariously overwhelming and expensive.

Only the breastfeeding mom knows the chuckles that ensue after trying on what is supposed to be “the world’s comfiest nursing top,” and finding out it’s more like a torture chamber for the tatas. I’ve been there myself, and all I could do was laugh after I practically used the ‘jaws of life’ to get myself out of that awful thing.

1When Baby Exposes The Girls

When mom does try to be “modest” in public while breastfeeding baby, nothing is more hilarious than when the baby has no cares in the world and rips mom’s shirt down, exposing her to the world. It might be devastating and humiliating for a second, but this (again) one of those things were you can only laugh.

If anyone is offended by the sight of accidental boobage, the problem is most likely within them and not you. You should NEVER feel guilty about trying to feed the baby, even if an accident like this happens. If this were on daytime TV, no one would bat an eye. Let’s celebrate what’s natural, people! Feeding the baby is natural and healthy and yes, sometimes even hilarious. Don’t even apologize for doing your best as a mama!

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