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15 Hilarious Ways To Describe Contraction Pain

Contraction pain. The words that strike fear into our hearts. The words that shroud themselves in mystery until it's too late to change your mind about this whole motherhood thing. They take you from dipping your toe into parenthood to doing a cannonball in the deep end.

They are that thing your mom warned you about. Nope, wait your mom warned you about that boy that caused you to be in the predicament to have the contractions in the first place. Same, same in my book. You didn't listen and now this is what is happening.

Contraction pains feel like different things for different people. That's why we need a list of 15. We all have different pain tolerances, so we should cover the wide range of experiences that may be available to you. Whether you require anesthesia for paper cuts or you complete marathons on a broken femur - I got you boo.

Those of you that have already experienced the joys follow along and chime in with your best description. We want mamas to be informed and to realize that it's going to be ok.

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17 T-Rex Chomping Through Uterus

Even though the dinosaurs have long been extinct, we can feel confident that if they were here and miniature and they were in our uterus trying to get out... it would feel a lot like what it feels like when you have contractions. The little T-Rex teeth are fighting to kind of bite/stab you with a thousand tiny knife like teeth. T-Rex sounds scary much like contractions, but when you picture the dinosaur with his short stubby arms that he can't even make his bed with; it's not that scary. This is a lot like having a baby. Contractions can be scary, but when you picture the baby boy or girl that is coming and know that he or she isn't going to be able to make it's bed with it's short arms- well it's not as cute. Still cute, but come on babies. Learn to make your beds.

16 The Sh*ts 

We are all adults here and I should be able to talk about being tooty without all the snickers. Come on it's one of The Facts of Life. Please tell me you all are not too young for that reference. Someone gets it, right?  No matter. I shall continue. The pain can feel like gas pain. Pretty severe gas pain. The thing is when you are pregnant, you have a pretty messed up digestive system to begin with. You are constipated, or not constipated. There is just a lot. When the first contractions start you might mistake them for some gas pain that is working itself through. There is some pain and then it goes away. Then it comes back. It's pretty annoying. It's not really hurting, hurting though. You think if you change positions maybe it will work through or go away. And it does for a little bit, but then it's back. Maybe look into timing these and seeing if you get worse.

15 Crazy Cramps

You ever do that thing where you double the dose on laxatives and then as you sit waiting for the shit storm, you wonder why you did this to yourself? Oh, well me either. I was just trying to make you feel better.

If we had done it though the cramping would be so intense you would promise never ever to do that to yourself again. But then in two months when you were backed up again, you would do it again because your memory would be a fickle thing. A fickle stupid thing that doesn't seem to retain the information of what the pain is. If you can "imagine" that, it's kind of like contractions. The contractions in your intestines are surprising similar to the contractions the uterus performs. They end up in the same general area and they are all trying to accomplish the same thing. Forceful eviction.

14 Zombie With Dull Teeth

The Walking Dead has me thinking. Comparisons probably could be made between the feel of the decayed tooth zombie and some contractions. You know what? Let's file this one under the if you have a low pain tolerance category. The zombie teeth can't be all that strong due to the lack of calcium in their diet. Likely they will be pretty worn down and unable to get a good bite. Therefore there is going to be just some gnawing without traction. Kind of like a squeezing. You are through with that whole morning sickness part, right? This has turned out a little grosser than I was anticipating. You get what I'm saying though right? You may feel some shooting specific pains that feel like they are a really persistent zombie that was told never to give up.

13 Puke And Rally

Look let's not pretend we haven't been through something similar that was also self inflected before. You may remember some of these contraction sensations from your college years. That uncontrollable vomit feeling and the muscles contract. Many people feel like contractions and labor are similar to vomiting. And in fact some people do vomit. You may find that you are queasy. You may feel like that night you were doing keg stands at that one party. You pulled some muscles in the stomach from the acrobatics and then you drank too much on top of that. You don't have to worry though much like those college nights, this too will pass. Only you won't just have a hangover to show for it, you will have beautiful bouncing baby. Word to the wise, hangovers are 50 times worse with a baby, so you may want to retire from the keg stands.

12 Charlie Horse In Stomach

Charlie horse hurt kinda bad. Before we move on, can someone tell us why they call them Charlie horses? Who was Charlie and what did he do with horses? Was Charlie the original cramper or was the horse? Now that we have the important questions asked - yes, Charlie horses can really hurt. Then you have the muscle sticking out and the tears in your eyes. The good news is that occasionally with a change in position you are able to relieve some of the pain. The same can be said for some contractions. May be you do a little walking or a little bouncing on a birthing ball to take your mind off of it and start to get a little relief. At least in some instances this will work. As you start to get further into labor a change in position may not make as much difference as we would like. You will get through though. You know why? Because you are a rock star. If Charlie can handle this, you can handle it.

11 Overdid The Crunches

Ever do too many crunches and regret it the next day when you try to get up? Maybe once or twice, and then never made that mistake again? You are my kind of girl. That is one way that contractions can feel. It's all in the tightness. You may read pretty often that when you are contracting your stomach is going to get tight and maybe even look like a rounded basketball. Rounded basketball? Is there another kind of basketball? I don't have to answer that. While your stomach is a basketball, you may feel a squeeze around your middle like the muscles have overworked and are letting you know that they doth protest. These are probably going to be early on in your labor or in some cases these will be what they refer to as Braxton Hicks. They are getting your body warmed up with some movement. Moving the baby down to where he/she needs to be.

10 Elmer Fudd's Injured Finger

You remember when Elmer Fudd smashes his finger with a hammer on Looney Tunes. There is a cut to a picture of the finger. It is 50 times bigger and throbbing. There may or may not be tears in Mr. Fudd's eyes before his face turns red with anger. That may be how your stomach feels. A throbbing pulsing pain that radiates from your back, wrapping around the sides to the front. I'm convinced much of Elmer's problem is his inability to stay calm and collected. Also his need to hunt rabbits doesn't really help. Try to breath through the throbbing and think about Bugs Bunny dressed up like a girl bunny with a blonde wig and that bright red lipstick. Also if you find a red lipstick shade that matches Bugs can you help a girl out?

9 Internal Organs Being Squeezed Like a Towel

Imagine there is a person inside your body grabbing onto your organs and wringing them out like towels. Also imagine that this person says the word "wash" with an "r" like "warsh." You know it to be true, don't fight me on that. This is similar to what you might feel when you are having contractions. You are being rung out like a towel. The bummer part is that you don't even get to use those towel like organs to snap someone in the heinie. Isn't that crap? A little bit. However one thing to remember is that after your internal organs are wrung out, you will have a beautiful precious baby to hold and cuddle with. That might be better than snapping someone on the rumpus. Come to think of if, you might be able to have your cake and eat it too. Request a towel from the nurses and give someone a good snap.

8 Bear Hug Gone Horribly Wrong

Contractions can feel like someone is trying to hug you. Not like a regular hug, but like a bear hug. It's like someone just wants to love you...but in that way that is suffocating. They are loving you too much and they need to backup. They are loving so much that they are squeezing. You know how when you were a kid and you would hug other kids you would see who could squeeze the hardest. This is like that. Like someone is squeezing you and just when you don't think you can take it anymore they do that last little squeeze that lifts you up off the ground. Maybe think of the contractions as your baby hugging you from the inside? A giant suffocating bear hug from the inside given by your sweet adorable sweet baby boy or girl. Who can be mad at that? Your baby just loves you so much.

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6 Epidural Needle Is Like A Magic Wand

Contractions feel like the epidural needle that brings relief is probably a magic wand made from unicorn horn. Previous to having my children I was pretty nervous about both the pain of the whole uterus contracting to evict a tiny human thing and the pain from the epidural going into my back. Once the contractions ramped up I found one of those fears dissipated and one greatly increased. I'm not going to spoil the ending for me, but to this day I think the anesthesiologist may have been carrying a magic wand from a unicorn horn. The medicine may have been made from pixie dust and angel smiles. The doctor wouldn't admit to that, but he didn't deny it either. He probably isn't allowed to tell me about the pixie dust fountain. He would worry that I would do something stupid like write about it and send it out to the whole world. As if... Oh shoot.

5 Nuns Might Have The Right Idea

Contractions feel like nuns have had the right idea all along. That idea being that they don't have babies. They might have the right idea on more than one thing depending on where your beliefs fall. If you feel like you have to let some anger out go ahead and yell at your significant other "I should have been a nun like my mom wanted." He may be confused if your mother isn't Catholic, but you have enough on your plate. You can't be responsible for him getting everything figured out on his end too. In fact with all you have to go through right now you throw as much shade and confusion his way as you need to girl. You may feel at some points that you wish you wouldn't have gone for this baby thing. That's kinda normal. You should know that you will change your mind. The cliche about it being worth it is there for a reason.

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3 Don't Touch Me

Contractions feel like "for the love of god do not touch me." At some point during contractions you will start to feel like you have don't want to be touched. Even if your partner is trying to comfort you by rubbing your back or hand. You may want to yell at them to stop rubbing in the same dang place for crying out loud!!! There are other places on my body than just that one place on my back that you could rub if you want to help. Things like that might run through your mind. You may even say them out loud and laugh about them in years to come. You can't really help it. It's the contractions. That's just the way they feel. You have to let them know.

2 Toothpaste Being Squeezed Out

A really good way to describe the contractions is like the last bit of toothpaste being squeezed out. The contractions are squeezing the baby down, much like the last bit of minty goodness in the tube. You will begin to feel a little guilty for getting so mad at the toothpaste for giving up the goods. It appears it's not that stinking easy to just get things moving and out like you would think. You may want to be gentler with the toothpaste you have. Go home and hug them and apologize for being rude. Promise from this day forward to always put the cap back on them and let them know that you know what the feel like. Or don't do that because people might think you went crazy. Either way.

1 Like The Father's Back Will Feel After Sleeping On Coach

Contractions feel like your partner's back is going to feel after sleeping on the coach tonight. One thing we have not addressed much is back labor. That kind of labor is just what it sound like. It's labor that is focused in your back region. So maybe quite a bit like normal labor and contractions only they hit you right in the back instead of the front. The feeling from that is like a stiff back or back pain from your back going out. It's a nasty piece of business. Your spouse will be able to relate to your pain quite a bit from sleeping on the coach in the birth suite. From what I have heard those coaches are pretty rickety and in turn make your back pretty rickety. Not sure if the hospital does that on purpose as a brand of justice or not. I'm not mad at them either way.

Sources: Parents.com, NyMag.com, Parenting.com 

 

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