Why is it that when you become pregnant you also become a walking target mostly for jokes and unwanted advice? I mean, out of all the unwanted advice in the world, expecting moms take the blunt of it. Then there are the jokes...oh my, the jokes.
Seriously, there are women who tell me they're going to go nuts if one more person tells them this pregnant joke or that pregnant joke. It's like pregnant women wear a sign on their back that reads, "Please DO tell me I'm fat and give me unwanted advice. I promise I won't punch you in the nose."
You hear what I'm saying, right? Maybe you've even been there. I know I sure have and it was not the best part of pregnancy that's for sure. Do these jokesters not realize how dangerous it is to tease a hormonal nesting mammal?
Back in the cave man days I think they would have been bopped on the head with a club and set outside for the wolves to carry away.
Here in the digital age, though, we're obliged to co-exist. This means we mamas get to nod, force a smile, and maybe even a fake laugh if we can squeeze one out.
I'm not sure about you, but I sort of like the cave man days idea better...
Still, what are these annoying jokes of which I speak? Well, friend, I have a whole list of them. I'm sure you'll recognize some if not all.
Here we go girls - 15 jokes about soon-to-be-moms that are annoying AF. Enjoy!
15Jokes About Carrying Twins
Of course. The joke about carrying twins. Ha ha, so funny I almost forgot to laugh.
People tend to think this is acceptable because your pregnant belly is supposed to be large. What they don't realize is that it's also super duper annoying to hear this joke 500 million times in about four months at the end of your pregnancy.
Also, we women are supposed to be the epitome of beauty. Our looks are put up on a pedestal for all to see and judge.
THEN we reproduce and have to figure out how to feel beautiful even when our bodies are treating us like crap. It's tough to feel like a hottie when you look like you swallowed a watermelon and someone beat the dickens out of your legs (shout out to varicose veins).
People ask mamas why they're big enough to be carrying two humans inside and we're just supposed to be okay with it? Ugh!
14Joking About Failed Birth Control
Why is it that people assume when you're pregnant that your birth control failed? Maybe they don't realize that not all children are products of the 1% on the side of the Trojan box. Perhaps it's because they don't think that sane adults would ever want to willingly create another human?
I'm really not sure, but one thing I know is that this joke is A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G.!
It's basically like people feel that it's okay to give their condolences on your "failed birth control" even before they know your story.
Do these same people feel bad when you tell them you've taken several years to plan for your family, tried for months and months, and could not be happier to expand your family?
I kind of hope that once they realize how rude and possibly even hurtful their dumb joke really was that it hits them over the head as hard as a cave man club.
13Jokes About Eating For Two
Yes, we expecting moms eat a lot. Sometimes we even eat too much or eat unhealthy food by the truck load. There are even times when we shove a piece of pizza in our mouths as if we'll never eat again.
Other times we simply do not stop eating. Like a mother cow we graze all day. Our mouths will are chewing for all of our waking ours. This is the life of an expecting mother.
Although we're sort of busy growing another human, we still hear your dull joke about us eating for two.
You know what else eats for two? Wolves...cave man wolves. Seriously, I'm going to keep this cave man theme going because it's really the only way I can handle some of these annoying jokesters.
12Jokes About Random Body Parts Growing
Not a lot of people can get away with have a California King-size badonkadonk. There are a few women that come to mind who can pull it off: Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, and Coco Austin. I'm sure there are more, but these are my top three at the moment.
Funny, but I didn't see my name or your name on that list. Bummer.
So, people must be nuts when they comment on one of our body parts gracefully expanding then try to cushion their rude statement by also stating how the rest of our body has stayed the same size.
Ummm, yeah I hear you loud and clear - my butt is fat. Thanks!
The worst part about this one is that the people saying this nonsense are usually some distance girlfriends. Probably the ones who were jealous of you in the first place.
For your comfort, wait till they see the size of your boobs!
11Jokes About Being Ready To Pop
No pregnant woman can count on all her hands and toes the amount of time she's heard this joke during her pregnancy. It's so so so so so common and completely acceptable by society. It's almost not even a joke anymore.
This "ready to pop" comment has nearly made it's way into Wikipedia as the standard way to ask an expecting mom when she's due. WTF!
Bubbles pop, Rock candy pops, Rice Krispies pop AND they snap and crackle, too. Pregnant women do not pop. But if you want to see one "snap" then keep up with the popping belly jokes. C'mon!
It sort of seems like people tend to mask the "boy, you're fat" comment into not so clever pregnancy jokes. Do they think we don't get it?
10Jokes About Pickles And Ice-cream
When you were pregnant, did you actually have cravings for pickles and ice-cream? Granted, some women actually do have these cravings. I never did. My cravings revolved around SweeTarts...who knows why.
Here's the deal, most of us moms didn't actually want the notorious pickles and ice-cream craving. But, like many of these other jokes, we were asked if we wanted pickles and ice-cream several thousand times.
And several thousand times we said, "no thank you" in our sweetest most tender way that we could.
We both know that in your mind you imagined bopping that jokester over the head with a cave man club. And we know this made you smile a little bit. Don't even pretend with me, mama! I've been there.
9Jokes About Getting Used To Sleepless Nights
It's a well-known fact that tiny little babies all have broken watches. They come out of the womb with malfunctioning Rolexes. It's just one of those little babies phenomenons. There are no repair stores intrauterine apparently.
So, their nights become days and their days become nights. What this means for new moms is that you will not get the appropriate amount of sleep at night and the sleep that you do get will come in two hour increments.
You know this. You knew this before you got pregnant. Do they not know that you know this? Oh, how well you know this! Seriously!
There is nothing funny about a grouchy mama bear, so the people who joke about this are really risking their lives in the future.
8Jokes About Morning Sickness
Talked to dinosaurs, yakked, tossed your cookies, drove the porcelain bus...however you want to say it, it's still vomiting. Unfortunately, expecting moms might experience this during their nine months of human-growing.
You know the worst part about this is not actually in the joking, it's in the term "morning sickness." It's incredibly deceiving. Non-mothers don't realize how much this term is full of bull***t. If you've ever experienced this pregnancy symptom you know that most times "morning" is simply another way of saying ALL DAY LONG!
Oh, and night, too.
So, when you hear jokes about morning sickness, it ticks you off for reasons other than these other jokes. It's annoying AF because, well, being sick all day possibly for nine months straight is AF. Enough said.
7Jokes About Forgetting...Everything
We mamas all know that there IS such a thing as pregnancy brain. Your body is spending so much time making sure your hormones don't drive you crazy that it tends to forget your brain still needs to function, too.
Things like counting, how to put on your socks, and whether or not you left your toothbrush in the fridge for a reason are all topics a pregnancy brain must address. It's a tough job. In fact, you probably forgot how to count like 1049 times while you were pregnant.
It's not funny! Why did I put my toothbrush in the fridge? There must be a reason. What is the meaning behind all of this? What is the meaning of life? OMG, I have to know this stuff. I have to know it so I can pass on this wisdom to my unborn child! Panicky, panicky!
And the jokester slowly backs away...mission accomplished.
6Jokes About Being Hormonal
There are about 100 thousand hormones rushing through your body during pregnancy. Mostly, these hormones are doing necessary things like keeping the uterine muscles relaxed, developing milk ducts, and developing your sweet little fetus.
Some other things that hormones do can mostly be categorized in the coo coo for Coco Puffs section of life.
In short, sometimes hormones drive us pregnant women up the wall. They surge through our bodies like crazy little bosses telling everyone what to do. And, of course, our body simply complies with all these demands.
Telling a hormonal women that she is hormonal is just asking for a cave man club-sized mark on the head, though. Seriously, think before you speak, people!
5Jokes About An Extended Gestation
When you hit about the seventh month, you're probably over the whole romantic idea of being pregnant. Okay, you get it. There's a baby in there doing stuff and it's awesome and amazing and life-changing and please somebody get it out!
Do you want to know a fun fact? (Yes, I've been watching too much Finding Dory..."fun fact" reverence). A mother elephant is pregnant for 18-22 months. Elephants live to an average age of 80, which is a slightly higher average than us humans. All in all, elephants got totally screwed with the whole gestation thing.
Still, it is completely annoying when people think it's funny to make jokes about you being pregnant "forever."
The reason this is annoying - because it's feeeels like forever!
4Jokes About No Menstruating
While it is indeed true that most women don't get their periods for nine months, it's still no laughing matter. So what? We don't bleed for 5-7 days accompanied by uncomfortable cramps and crankiness each month.
Instead we get to vomit every 30 minutes for weeks on end. Then we get to watch our boobs expand to twice their size, which is incredibly comfortable (sarcasm). Don't forget about the painful varicose veins, heartburn, constipation, and a million other things that come with pregnancy.
Bottom line is that making a baby is very hard work. It's much harder work that grabbing a few tampons and a bottle of Midol before leaving for work.
Yes, going period-less for nine months is awesome. Do these people forget that pregnancy comes with it's own set of challenges that are much harder to deal with than periods?
3Jokes About Inducing Labor Naturally
Old wives tales can sometimes ring tried and true. Other times they are just a bunch of nonsense. When it comes to inducing labor naturally, some old wives tales get a little nuts!
You've probably heard the ones about eating this hot pepper or that spicy entree. Maybe you just stuck with the one that says you have to walk 500 miles before your baby starts to descend into the birth canal. Or just maybe you went with the hanky-panky strategy.
Honestly, I think that's why people tend to joke so much about inducing labor naturally - most people just think that nipple stimulation and sex are the only ways to do it. Plus, they assume that nipple stimulation and sex are actually still enjoyable at this stage in your pregnancy.
Ugh, could they be any more wrong?
2Jokes About Being A First-time Mom
While it's true that first-time moms are a breed of their own, we are also really great sports about it. I've been one and so have you. Most days you really don't know what you're doing, but you get through it anyway. You roll with the punches and do your best.
It's better to be safe than sorry, so you're probably a little on the over-protective side of things and you don't freely let your kiddo eat dirt of play in the dog's water or stuff like that. It's just the nature of a first-time mom and that's okay.
I don't know about you, but I absolutely LOATHE first-time mom jokes. I mean after the first few times you do something, you're a pro. You get the hang of this mom business very, very quickly. It never fails, though. You don't let your baby chew on the remote control one time and suddenly you're that first-time mom. Big sigh...
1Jokes About Being A Second-time Mom
Second-time mom jokes are just as annoying as first-time mom jokes. By now, you've got the hang of this. You do what you do because you know what works and you know what doesn't. You've outlasted the stupid first-time mom jokes only to get round #2. Yippee!
These jokesters are mostly going to poke fun at you not being as "paranoid" with your second baby as you were with your first. Honestly, it all traces back to the first-time mom jokes anyway.
People assume you're a clueless women simply because you are without children. Suddenly a child comes along and they think you freak out. When baby #2 arrives, they simply reference how much you've "calmed down."
In reality, all you've done is figure this mom thing down pat. So the joke is on them!
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