Throughout the years there have been many (many) words used to describe motherhood. Joyous. Blissful. Fulfilling. Amazing. Rewarding. Miraculous. And, the list goes on, and on, and on.
Yeah, those are the “nicey-nice” words. Then there are the other words. Relentless. Hard. Challenging. Overwhelming. Tiring. Exhausting. Consuming. Stressful.
Okay, so there are plenty of different ways to describe what it means to be a mama. There are the good, the bad and the downright ugly. But, there is also another class of motherhood descriptors – those made up slang words that come together to create an entirely new mommy centric (and yes, that's actually a real thing) vocab.
These are words that can describe the mommy experience or describe a situation that moms might find themselves in. They're words that when they're said, anyone who's a mother will instantly understand what was said and what that moms was referring to.
These words go beyond the synonyms that pop up when you click on the word processing program’s thesaurus button. They’re not generic descriptors or the usual suspects. They aren’t fantastic, awesome, awe-inspiring, all-consuming or heartwarming. They are verbal representations of motherhood that when spoken moms nod their heads knowingly.
The completely momtastic (and again, yes we know that one is also made up) list we put together is packed with words that totally describe your crazy, kooky, silly, strange and ridiculously rad life as a mom!
15 Peezing = Peeing + Sneezing
Once upon a time, long, long ago you could sneeze without fear. A tiny tickle in your nose signaled that something was coming out. That something was coming out of your mouth. And, possibly your nose too. That was it. Nothing more. With a stellar “achoo” you sneezed, someone probably said, “Bless you” and you went on your merry little way.
And then you got pregnant. As your beautiful bump grew your body started changing, and doing some sort of odd things. The bigger you got, the more that baby pushed down on everything in your abdomen and pelvis. Suddenly your bladder was under siege. You had to un to the bathroom every 24 seconds and those itsy bitsy little leaks started happening (thanks Brooke Burke-Chavret and Lisa Rinna for putting pee on national TV).
You stuck a liner into your panties and that was that. And it’s a good thing that you did. Why? Well, because then you peezed. Huh? Yep, you sneezed and your bladder let loose. Oh, but it didn’t stop at pregnancy. Even after baby made her big debut you still kept right on peezing. Thanks to the stress that sneezing puts on your bladder, it’s totally common to peeze after having a baby.
14 Sharting = Number Two + Farting
Unlike peezing, sharting isn’t something that moms do regularly. Thank goodness! That tiny little panty liner won’t cover this one. Yes, sharting is when the gas starts to pass, but then turns into something much more. If it’s you who’s sharting, it’s probably going to happen during labor and delivery.
You’ve got all sorts of crazy pressure going on in the abdominal and pelvic regions. You’re in pain and your body is stressing out. So, you let loose (just a little bit) and then it happens. You poop. Don’t worry. You’re hardly the first mama to poop during childbirth. The L & D team totally expects it.
You probably won’t have to deal with your own sharting again. But, you will have to watch out for this from your brand new baby. He smiles. He coos. He farts. And, uh-oh. It’s a major code brown situation. Hey, it happens. It’s not exactly one of the sweet, adorably lovable moments of babyhood. But, it’s something that every new mom has to deal with at one time or another.
13 Bedgasm = End Of Day Bliss
How many hours are in a day? 365? That’s what it feels like. Oh, that’s days in a year. Well, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between when one day ends and another begins. Whether you’re a SAHM, WAHM or working out of the home mom, you’re tired. From the moment your baby cries you awake to the second she closes her eyes at night (does that really happen?) you’re on the go.
There are baths to give (um, not for you – for your kiddos), playdates to organize, meals to make, nursing to do, diapers to change, laundry to wash, groceries to shop for and that’s not even mentioning the job that pays you to show up. By the end of the day you can barely keep your eyes open. Sometime after 8 pm you start fantasizing about one thing and one thing only – bed. And no, we don’t mean in that cuddle up next to your honey romantic type of way. We mean in that “bedgasm” way.
That’s right, at the end of the day you have a bedgasm. It’s that feeling of total and complete bliss that happens as you collapse onto the mattress, pull the covers over your head and pretend that no one is going to scream, “Mommmmmy! I want juice!” in five minutes.
12 Floordrobe = Floor + Wardrobe
You have a closet. And a dresser. And an odd little wardrobe thing that you put together with teeny hexagonal wrench and is named something like Blurgen or Stolic. So does your child. Oh yeah, then there are the under the bed storage drawers you put in and the extra closet in the guest room that you cleared out last winter.
It would seem like you have plenty of places to stash your clothes and your kiddo’s too.
Even though your home is filled with plenty of storage options it seems like everyone’s clothes end up in one place – the floor. You’ve got a floordrobe. That’s where the failed outfit components end up and your toddler’s socks reside. Come on, we all have those moments when the laundry basket, closet or dresser drawer seems oh-so very far away.
Sometimes it’s just easier to drop and go. And bonus, when you’re looking for an outfit to wear tomorrow all you have to do is bend down and pick up what’s on top!
11 Destinesia = Destination + Amnesia
You dragged your pregnant self to the grocery store, grabbed a cart and started out down Aisle 1. Um, what now? That’s right – you have dentinesia. You know where you want to go. You remember getting there. But, when you finally arrive you have no clue as to why you went there in the first place.
Call it pregnancy brain, mommy brain or whatever else you want. Destinesia is a major part of many mommy’s lives. We’ve all been there. You’re aimlessly wandering around the grocery store, big box store, mall or warehouse club. You feel like you should be there, but have absolutely, positively no idea why. You stop to think, but nothing happens.
You look at your toddler and ask her, “Do you remember what mommy came to the store for?” But, her standard answer is always, “Cookies?” You buy the cookies, get back into your car and drive home. That’s when you remember that you needed paper towels, tp, a loaf of bread and everything on your dinner list.
10 Columbusing = Columbus-like Discovery
You’re Columbus! Okay, not in that fake discovery of America kind of way (no, he was not the first person to set foot on American soil and he actually landed on what is the present-day Bahamas). But, you do think you’re an amazing awesome explorer. At least, you feel like you’ve made some pretty stellar discoveries.
After all, no mom ever has discovered that standing up and swaying while holding a baby will gently rock him to sleep. And you’re probably the very first mom to come up with the idea to do a babysitting exchange with the neighbors. Go girl, you’re a genius!
Um, wait. You’re Columbusing. You think you’ve made THE discovery of the mommyhood decade, but in reality it’s something that even old school mamas know about. It happens to the best of us. Motherhood is brand new to you. Even if you’ve read the books and the blogs, it’s still a total discovery process. That means your little “discoveries” are often not new inventions.
They’re just part of parenting. Even though they’re not new, they’re new to you. So, don’t get all sad when your mommy-friend (the one who has five kids under the age of 8) rolls her eyes at you. Someday you’ll probably be the eye roller too.
9 Babytainment = Baby + Entertainment
You’re stuck at home with baby. Okay, ‘stuck’ isn’t really how you’d describe it. Well, maybe it is. In any case, you’re trying to enjoy this time with your little one. Before you know it she’ll be a surly teen and won’t want anything to do with you. But, for right now you need to keep baby busy. That’s where “babytainment” comes in.
Whether you’re shaking a rattle in front of your newborn’s eyes, playing pat-a-cake for the twelfth time or dancing around like a dressed-down clown, you’re in charge of the babytainment for the day. When it stops there’s sure to be a major meltdown. So you keep it going. And going. And going some more.
Think of yourself as baby’s entertainment director. Right now your job is to keep her busy and make sure that she’s got something to focus on. Of course, the type of babytainment you provide will change as your kiddo goes from barely able to see more than a few inches from her face to sitting up and looking around.
8 Carmageddon = Car + Armageddon
There once was a time when your car was pristine. Okay, may not pristine. But, at most you had a gym bag and an extra water bottle stashed in the backseat. Yes, the backseat – the place where your friends sat in those pre-car seat days.
Now your minivan looks like it’s been through “carmageddon.” What’s that? It’s Armageddon, for your car. Carmageddon happens when your once-clean car is suddenly littered with baby and kid stuff. The floor is covered with cracker and cookie pieces, there are juice box straws strewn around the seats and there’s some sort of odd chunky liquid (it could be formula, spit up or really, really, really old juice).
Yep, that’s your car. Oh, but that’s not all. There are baby socks stuffed in the glove box, car seats lined up in a row and the trunk is packed with strollers, baby carriers and your tot’s tricycle.
7 Floornado = Floor + Tornado
Try to walk through your kiddo’s playroom without stepping on a random Lego, crayon, doll shoe or tipped over train. Go ahead, try it. No? You know that there’s no safe floor space when kids are involved. It’s a floornado!
You’re pretty sure that somewhere, at some time, there’s a grown-up who has a clean floor. Not just a clean floor, but a floor that’s completely free of toys, art supplies, used juice boxes, building blocks, train tracks, car tracks, rocks, muddy footprints, diaper wipes (unused of course), sippy cups, teeny tiny socks, musical instruments, DVDs and half eaten bananas. But, that’s not you.
Your home looks like a tornado whipped through, picked up every toy and snack and dumped them all on the family room floor. It’s like a disaster scene. Don’t stress. In a few (meaning maybe 18) years the floornados will end. And, you will actually miss them. Really.
6 Stroller Derby
Look out, it’s a stroller derby! No, not roller derby. Sure, you’re totally up for dressing up like a schoolgirl and hip-checking another mama – while on roller skates. But, a stroller derby is a whole other matter.
You’ve got your kiddo strapped into the stroller, and her brother’s riding along too. They’re screaming in tandem as a terrible twosome, and you’re trying to weave your way through the super-slim aisles of the grocery store. Ugh! Here it goes – you’re off in record time. You’re wheeling around obstacles, moving from place to place and avoiding the bizarrely large cardboard cutout of an oversized piece of pasta at the end of the aisle.
Sometimes the derby is all about avoiding inanimate obstacles (such as that big ol’ display or a pyramid made out of soup cans), and other times you’ll need to slickly move around other shoppers or even other strollers.
5 Metamomphosis = Metamorphosis + Mom
A long (long, long) time ago in a galaxy far, far away there was a woman who washed her hair regularly, shaved her legs, wore pants that didn’t have an elastic waist and talked about something other than breastfeeding, the best preschools and what her baby’s first words were. Yep. That was you. Remember?
No? You don’t remember that girl. The girl who slept in until noon, took 30 minute showers (well, you needed time to let the hair masque set) and drank bloody Mary’s at brunch with her girlfriends. Somewhere in between screaming, “I’m pregnant!” and changing your zillionth diaper you went through a metamomphosis.
The metamomphosis happens when you go being all about yourself (or yourself and your S.O.) to being all about your baby. You toss aside those ‘luxuries’ of non-mommy life such as showers and blow-outs, and morph into someone who doesn’t notice that she has spit-up on her shoulder and leaves for morning preschool drop-off wearing pj pants and mismatched shoes.
4 Napathetic = Nap + Empathetic
You totally know what it feels like to have a toddler who’s in the middle of a meltdown. It’s an hour after your tot’s regular nap-time and he’s fighting to stay awake. He’s super-sleepy and has gone from a toddler to a terror at Exorcist-level pace.
Kids need to nap. At last, they should need to nap. Your child is in desperate need of a little rest break – right now. But, whatever he’s doing is taking precedence. Now he’s fallen into that dangerous too sleepy to sleep area. And you know he’s not coming back. Okay, he’s coming back from there. It’s just that he may not sleep until his tornado-like tantrum has completely tuckered him out.
When you’re watching another mama deal with a nap-time miss it’s likely you’ll feel “napathetic.” It’s the sense of empathy that you feel when you know another mom’s kiddo needs a nap. You see what’s going on, know exactly what that mama is feeling and give her that “I’ve been there too” look.
Chances are you’ll also notice other mom’s give you that look too! When your little one has gone from cute to cranky in seconds flat, you’ll see that all-knowing napathetic look flash on the other playgroup parents’ faces.
3 Nightcapade = Night + Escapade
It’s bedtime! Oh wait, that’s only what you think. The clock has struck 8 (or whatever time your little one hits the hay) and you’re totally ready for the tuck in. Your tot’s already had her bath, she’s toweled dry and she’s in her pj’s. You pull out the bedtime book, hop under the covers and start reading. Yay! Your wound up kiddo is actually going to sleep. And, she’s drifting off. Um, or not.
You flick the light off, close the door and walk out of the room. You head downstairs, pour a glass of pino and put on the Real Housewives. And then you hear it – the pitter patter of little feet. They’re clearly running back and forth from your child’s room to yours. Then the sound stops. Maybe she’s gotten back into bed. Or, maybe she found her little bro’s baby powder and has ‘painted’ the bathroom walls with it.
Chances are the second choice is the more accurate one. Nightcapades are those night-time escapes that keep your child from sleeping. Whether she’s pulling every piece of clothing out of her drawers, demanding a new sippy cup of juice every other half hour or attempting to do a half-twist layout front flip off of her bed, your child’s up to something that doesn’t have anything to do with sleep.
2 Whyarrhea = Constant Why’s
“Why mommy? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?” You get the point. Right? Kids are curious little creatures. Meaning that they’re filled with curiosity. Everything around them is new, and they want to know how it works.
It doesn’t matter if you’re telling your toddler that she can’t have a cookie right before bed or are pointing to the sky and saying, “It’s blue” she wants to know why. Whyarrhea happens when a seemingly uncontrollable series of “why’s” comes from your little one’s lips. It might happen at a crazy rapid pace or the why’s might follow each and every sentence you say.
Whyarrhea goes something like, “It’s time for bed.” Your child asks, “Why?” You respond, “Because you need your sleep.” Your child asks, “Why?” You answer, “So you’re not tired.” Your child asks (again), “Why?” You retort, “Because when you’re tired you don’t feel good.” Your child backtracks with, “Why?” And, the whyarrhea keeps on going until you freak out a little, turn into your own mother and say, “Because I said so.”
1 Huggle = Hug + Cuddle
Aw, your baby is so adorable. You can’t get over how very cute she is. You just want to squeeze her and kiss her every moment of the day. That’s where a huggle comes into play. It’s a hug and a cuddle all rolled into one!
A hug is way too quick to enjoy your little one’s love. So you add on a cuddle. Whether you’re curling up to read a book to her, rocking her to sleep or just looking to spend some Q.T. with your family, a higgle is definitely the way to go. Hey, you don’t have to stop at your beautiful baby. You can huggle your S.O. too. Or, better yet, have a group huggle.
Just don’t fall asleep in a huggle – unless it’s only with your significant other. Even though the new safe sleeping guidelines say you should sleep in the same room as your baby, that doesn’t mean wrapped around her. Your baby should sleep in her own crib or bassinet, and not in bed with you.