The emotional turmoil that happens to new mothers is not to be underestimated. Hormones are raging, fatigue is the standard and lack of sleep and headaches are the new best friends. The nerve-wrecking crying is now the background of the house and everything feels like a mess. This kind of pressure is bound to affect everything in the mother’s life. Including her sense of social courtesy.
At this time of a woman’s life, she needs maximum support. Her partner is the one who shares the baby’s responsibility with her and should be involved in every aspect of caring for their baby. However, there are mistakes that women do that make their partners frustrated and widen the gap between them.
It takes dedication from both sides to make the relationship work after a huge responsibility has been placed on the couple’s shoulder. The fact that the mother endures a lot more than the father in the beginning through pregnancy, birth and possibly breastfeeding, makes her place the whole accountability of their relationship on the partner, which is not true. She too plays a part in how well they get along.
The same happens with friends and family. Mothers can adopt new attitudes when dealing with the people in their lives that actually ruin their relationships. As much as people are willing to help a mother adapt and offer assistance with anything she needs in her new life with a baby, there are often times when a mother drives her friends away, even if she doesn’t mean to.
15 She Goes Into Martyr Mode
A new mom can easily go into martyr mode after coming home with her newborn because of how difficult it can be. Seemingly constant feedings, no time for getting a good night’s sleep, changing diapers, constantly doing laundry, trying to keep the house clean, cooking meals, no time for herself, (everything is about the baby!), on and on.
After nine months of carrying the baby, she may feel like it’s someone else's turn to take on the baby burden and goes into the “poor me” way of thinking about her life.
After her husband or other possible caretaker walks through the door, she flops into a chair and goes on about how exhausted she is and needs to take a break from the baby. When she doesn’t feel that others are sympathetic enough she becomes belligerent and cries about how hard being a mom is.
She could develop feelings of resentment against her partner for not helping enough, even when she is the one who never requested it. She develops jealousy towards friends who are luckier in the kid department, with easier kids, money for a nanny or a more supportive husband.
14 Complains Way Too Much
A mother goes through a lot to raise her children. At different ages, children have different troubles, giving her something to worry about all the time. She needs someone to hear her out, acknowledge her feelings and make her feel better. A little complaint here and there is fine, and actually healthy for her sanity, but going overboard can be too much for the receiving person.
Complaining too much gets boring. It drives people away and makes them not prefer the complainer’s company. With a friend, a mother can always pick up the phone and apologize, but with her partner who is listening to complains all the time around the house, he might just not answer and gradually begin to prefer solitude.
Worse, a man who listens to too much complaining may start leaving the house more, because he knows what’s waiting for him back there. As long as he is doing his share in the kids’ responsibilities, he does not need to be punished for what other people, including his children, are doing.
13 They Are Too Demanding
Some women overestimate motherhood. They think of it as the biggest deal in the world and that for doing it they deserve a medal. In truth, all mothers deserve medals, which is why this concept is very hard to explain to the people who are inclined to it. The thing is, no matter how hard motherhood is, there is only so much other people can offer. They can help, but they cannot dedicate all their time to helping.
When a stay-at-home mother constantly burdens her working partner with tasks, he might feel overtired and start responding negatively. The same goes for friends or family from whom a woman asks help. A woman expecting special treatment because she is a mother does not go well and people do not interact well with it.
Similarly, if a woman expects her parents to give her more attention than her siblings or her fiends to make everything about her, she is in for a big disappointment.
12 She Refuses To Be Intimate
intimacy is an important aspect of every relationship. It is true that some couples may still be in love even if their intimate life takes a step back, like when they have a new baby at home, but considering this the new norm is a cause for alarm. Physical intimacy is essential, and when a woman shuts down this aspect on grounds of her being tired or busy she is doing more harm than good.
Apart from biological needs, she is depriving herself and her partner from the slice of time they get together to bond - physically and emotionally- without interruption.
Mothers need to make sure than they have good relationships with their husbands, and that they are both free of frustration and resentment that responsibilities bring. If that is the case, she needs to give their intimate life the urgency she gives to her responsibility.
If not, she needs to talk it out without negative tones, to reach an agreement and prevent the breed of carelessness between them.
11 Undermines The Need For Romance
The same way some women think that intamcy is an accessory to the relationship, they think so about romance too. They are too overwhelmed by the duties to scrape out time for a date or a drink at the end of a long day once the kids are asleep. They are often too concerned about their kids to do anything else for themselves or their partners. Often, they really are too busy that their whole relationship falls from their priority list.
The problem is amplified when the partner is actually taking initiative. When a man tries to take his wife out, bring her some flowers or do something romantic for her sake and she brushes it off, it gets quite hurtful. Naturally, he will stop trying and might even feel rejected enough to start feeling hatred.
Nobody wants to feel undermined and when this happens to a man, it hits him in the ego and he refuses to make an effort for the relationship again. He shuts down and stays in his shell until approached differently.
10 She Takes It Out On Her Partner
Some women steer blame towards their partners. They think that their partners are the reason why they are suffering and if it wasn’t for them, they wouldn’t have to deal with all this. They start being aggressive towards their partners and leave no room for proper conversation.
Also, they take out their frustrations on their partners by expecting them to be perfect, simply because they have no energy to deal with mistakes and demands of someone else. Their partners start feeling like a burden and are driven away.
Another way women do this is by dominating conversations. They talk about their stressful day all the time leaving no room for their partners to express their feelings or tell them about their days. Eventually, a partner usually takes on the “yes”, “no” and “aha” parts of the conversation, and nothing else.
In time, he loses interest in talking to his partner and feels underappreciated because his emotional needs remain unmet.
9 Keeps The Father Out
Some mothers believe that they are solely responsible for the kids to the extent that they isolate the fathers. They believe that mothers are good caregivers by nature and that fathers are incompetent. They start making decisions on their own, doing every single detail without asking for help and criticizing anything a father tries to do.
They feel superior managing everything about kids down to the simplest details.
Not only is this idea offensive or insulting to fathers, but it also damages their self-esteem. When a man is seen by his partner as incapable of taking care of his children, he fails to see that he plays an important role in their lives and feels like he is less of a father.
In some cases, a man is smart enough to spot this attitude and realizes that he is a good father, it’s just that his partner does not appreciate him. This leads to negative feelings towards the woman and creates conflict.
8 She Stops Making An Effort With Her Looks
It is true that how a woman feels has a lot to do with her looks. Once a mother starts getting too busy for the basics of self-care, her self-esteem takes a back seat. She no longer looks at herself and sees a beautiful woman, but sees a damaged creature squeezed under a never-ending routine of mundane demands. It makes her feel bad about herself and her life as a whole.
It is also true that men are visual and will be more attracted to the woman who is prettier. Yet, a man might be more intrigued by his confident wife than his overdressed pressured one. A little effort in looks goes a long way. The simplest thing a woman does to look better will affect her well being and her relationship positively and make her man see this confidence in her words and actions, thereby seeing her through a new lens.
7 Expects The Grandparents To Be In Charge
Grandparents are like guardian angels. They know what to do when it comes to raising children and they love those children to pieces. They know how to calm down a parent who thinks everything is wrong and can help put them back on the right track when things get ugly. They also love the kids so much that they offer to take them for the day, the night or sometimes a weekend.
It gets easy for mothers to abuse that kind of help. They look to their parents or in-laws not as mentors who offer guidance, but they consider their experience a green light for them to dump responsibility on them. Grandparents, however, do not have the emotional readiness or stamina to do everything related to a child all the time.
They might fill in for a parent in a school play or a tennis match, but they can’t take care of every detail all the time. Parents need to put this fact into consideration when asking for help from grandparents of the children.
6 She Refuses To Hear Advice
Mothers think of themselves as the primary caregiver and a reference to the child in all parts of their lives. They believe this is their role, and often their calling, so they take charge of everything. Sometimes, this attitude makes them refuse advice. To them, advice sounds like “You don’t know what you are doing. I know better.
Listen to me,” which can be very hurtful for their egos. In defense, they refuse all advice from all people.
Sometimes, they do this to feel like they are the ones who did a great job with their kids and not their parents, their friends or their co-workers. The line between someone offering advice and someone taking over becomes blurred and they believe that if they take the advice of someone, it is like they are giving them permission to think for them.
This is, of course, not true and can be devastating to mothers’ relationships with people who mean well.
5 Only Talks About Her Kids
A good conversation with friends can be healing for mothers. It takes them away from the headache of responsibility and the chaos at home. Yet, there are ways that a mother can drive away her friends. One thing is always talking about her kids. Friends get it when such a new experience takes over a woman’s life and she starts diving into it.
Even they are intrigued by its novelty and want to hear about it. With time however, when a woman starts talking only about her kids, things get boring.
A group of friends will definitely get bored with a woman who only talks about her kids, even if she voices happy positive thoughts. This leaves no room for other things to talk about or even for other mothers to express themselves.
It is also common for a mother to see herself as the “big deal” and underestimate other troubles her fiends might be going through.
4 She Isolates Herself From Others
Mothers make the mistake of distancing themselves from people entirely when they are seized by a new baby. They feel trapped and isolated, but keep on believing that is normal. Meanwhile, all their friends move on with their lives and start forgetting about them.
Friendships get cold and their friends are no longer excited to see them or hear about them because they have put themselves in a bubble.
As much as this scenario is bound to backfire, it hurts even if it didn’t. Lack of social interaction and adult meaningful conversation takes a toll on a woman’s emotional well being and puts her at higher risk of postpartum depression. She no longer has an outlet for her feelings or a time where she feels like her needs come before anyone else.
They lose the privilege of being in a setting where people around her are not demanding and exhausting.
3 Is Overpowered By Guilt
The term “mommy guilt” is popular with new mothers. Mommy guilt is the guilt a mother feels when she feels guilty about leaving her kids to do something for herself. While it is mostly felt when a mother does an activity by herself, it also affects her relationships.
If a mother feels guilty when she is out with her friends, on a date with her partner or visiting someone while the kids are with a sitter, with someone who suffers from this, it is likely that she will not enjoy this outing. This reflects on other people she is with.
Also, she is more likely not to repeat the activity, thereby placing herself into isolation from friends and no longer does anything fun with her partner. She resists trying out that new restaurant he is dying to go to or hiring a sitter to go see a movie. It puts her down and everyone around her distance themselves or simply get frustrated by her actions.
2 They Scoff At Their Friends’ Activities
Once a woman raises the motherhood wagon, everything starts getting serious. She sees the life of her baby as the ultimate thing to maintain and everything else pales by comparison. Accordingly, when other women start talking about their plans or interests, she shows a belittling tone. It becomes clear to her friends that she is obsessed with her own life to the point that her friends are now meaningless to her.
It could go beyond this limit with some women. They start believing that their friends are silly and talk about diminutive stuff. This message gets through to the friends and they start being less likely to prefer talking to such mothers, because they make them feel like their lives are worthless because they are not doing something as important as attending to the needs of their children.
This is especially common if those friends do not have kids, or have other life aspects that the mother is not involved in, like talking about a job to a stay-at-home mom.
1 She Judges Other People
Motherhood creates a bucketload of debates. From breastfeeding versus formula feeding to staying at home versus working, there are endless opinions on how a mother should live her life. To defend one’s own position, she starts getting judgmental about the opposing choice and gradually becomes bitter enough to judge everyone about everything.
This could extend into her relationships with family members, not just with fellow moms.
She also develops an undesirable sense of ego that only her opinion is correct, which is unhealthy. She has probably researched different aspects of motherhood and made her decisions, and only her decision is the right one. Anyone that does not agree with her decision is ridiculed and judged as being ignorant.
This can be especially damaging to relationships with parents and other family members when she repeatedly criticizes those around her who are trying to be helpful.