One thing most moms will always admit to is that they don’t regret having their kids, but sometimes they do regret their relationship (or lack thereof) with the person who ended up being the father of their child. Life doesn’t always turn out the way someone plans it to happen and sometimes people must adjust to unforeseen circumstances, which isn’t always easy. At times such adjustment can come with regrets people didn’t plan on having, and that’s normal. Being human means making mistakes, and while people can learn from those mistakes, at times those lessons can be hard to swallow.
A lot of moms can think that regretting things about who they had kids with isn’t normal or that it’s wrong, but more people have this opinion then is commonly known. It’s just one of those things that moms don’t talk about because it can be considered almost taboo, but currently more people are beginning to talk about, and confess to things and opinions that they previously thought were things to be ashamed of.
Maybe the father of the child is continuously absent. Maybe he’s around, but he’s a deadbeat when it comes to actually contributing to being a parent. Maybe he’s a bit of a douche who loves to use his kid to get back at his baby momma. Whatever the reason, it really doesn’t matter. Having regrets about the father of their child is a perfectly normal emotion.
15How Long Is Too Long?
Sometimes it’s not just about regretting the person you’re with, but the length of time that you chose to stay in a relationship that you knew wasn’t working in the first place. Brokencrayola from city-data.com did just that, “I have four children, three of which are biological sons and one daughter that is adopted. Two of my sons resemble their father, whom I was married to for twenty-four looooong years. I have never regretted having any of my children, not for a moment. I have regretted staying with my ex as long as I did, but never the children.”
Sometimes we just have to learn when to say enough, and when to walk away from a relationship when we know it’s not working. Some people like to stay and make it work for the kids, and if that’s what works for the relationship then that’s what works for the relationship, but sometimes walking away is all you can do.
14What If He's Just Never There?
It’s sad, but most moms and kids these days must deal with an absentee father in one way or another. For whatever reason they have decided that they can’t be a parent, and leaving their kids is the only option. It’s not easy for any member of the family, least of all for the children in the relationship.
This is what City-Data user Ceece discovered, “I do wish their father was different. He was pretty uninvolved and now that they are adults and we are no longer together he mostly cut them out of his life along with me. It was too hard for him to separate them from me, especially our youngest who still lives at home. He wants to concentrate on his new life and it's just easier if he doesn't interact with the old one I suppose. I'd like to think that things will change in the future, or that if something ever happened to me he would step up and assume the role of parent but I'm not sure he would.”
13Does He Regret Having Kids?
Sometimes even when couples stay together for the kids, they really shouldn’t. People don’t always understand what exactly it means to be a parent until they are one, and sometimes it’s not what they bargained for.
This was the case of user Skatie Baby from the forums of whattoexpect.com, “My husband has said several times that he regrets having a baby... When she cries in the car he gets upset, when he realizes we can't take long trips because she cries he gets frustrated, and when her crying prevents us from having sex he gets agitated. During these times he has said so many times that he regrets having a baby, that he didn't know it would be this horrible, etc. It seriously tears me to pieces because my daughter is my world, and when it comes down to it, I choose her. Hearing him say these things makes me love him less.”
12If A Couple Just Can't Handle It?
Being a parent means being a parent all the time, whether it’s a good time or a bad time. You can’t just run away and take a break at the first sign of trouble or tears without at least trying to solve the problem. Babies are going to cry and fuss and pitch a fit, and dealing with it is part of parenting. Attempting to heap all of the responsibility on your partner isn’t fair in any way, shape, or form. Handing babies off at the first sign of tears is the grandparents job, not the dads'.
Mrsosier from whattoexpect.com has to deal with this kind of a dad on a daily basis, “He is happy to play with our kids but doesn't want to be the parent and handles the crying horribly. He says the only time he can relax is when the kids are sleeping or at the babysitters.”
11Is He Just Full Of It?
Sometimes no matter what they say or what they do, they back out of it anyway just because they want to. In the moment men might mean what they say just to get the mothers' of their children off of their backs, but they never intended on delivering on their promises and cover up the real reasons why.
Haydensheart from the babycenter.com forums found this out after getting pregnant, “I truly despise my LO's father. We were together and he played me. Apparently nothing was real. I broke up with him because I thought he was getting involved with another girl. 4 weeks later I'm pregnant. I decided to drive over to his house and tell him face to face. I call again when I'm half way there his new girlfriend answers his phone to tell me that he moved out the state and he is busy and she will have him contact me later. For the next 4 months he ignored me and changed his number. He hasn’t paid or contributed to anything! He keeps telling me he will help but that's only because he doesn't want to be on child support. It’s like when we broke up he broke up with my baby too.”
10How Can You Handle A Typical Deadbeat?
Some dads just leave and don’t look back, and don’t care to. They don’t call, don’t write, and are never seen or heard from again. And moms are okay with it, because it means that their kids actually have good role models instead of the alternative. But, at the same time this puts them at a disadvantage because the deadbeat isn’t there to share in the costs and child rearing. While in most cases this can be a good thing, it puts more strain on the moms.
Kellymariiie1 from the babycenter.com forums has to deal with this on a daily basis, “My daughters "dad" supposedly left for Florida last month, come to find out the other night he's actually been in Pennsylvania for the last month.. He's about 6,000 behind in child support for his son. He's running from me and completely ignoring me, plus he's a pathological liar. It sucks.. He's 20 years old and now has 2 kids from 2 different girls!!”
9What If Abuse Comes Into Play?
One of the biggest fears in a mother’s life is finding out that someone they trusted to take care of their child has done something to hurt that child. For mothers who are already in abusive relationships, this terror is all the more real. Knowing what they are capable of makes hating them a little easier and parenting with them a lot more difficult.
One of the anonymous users on the website netmums.com knows first hand what this is like, “I hate my child's dad for various of reasons. First and foremost how badly he has treated me for 5 years. I've lost things that will never be replaced. I was so naive & I do take responsibility for my actions but I've came through them and I'm now a better person. There was so much domestic abuse & even though I wasn't fearful of getting hit, the adrenaline was to high to even care, the fights were serious. His attitude towards me and even up to now is vile. We are totally separated but the annoying part is that our daughter is the only thing keeping us as some sort of bond there. It's getting to the point I don't want him in her life.”
8A Hidden Personality?
Falling in love with someone only to find out that they aren’t who you thought they were is more than enough cause for a mom to resent their baby daddy. Even if they’ve been with the person for a while, having it come out that they are not who they said they were can come as a great shock. Nice guys can turn abusive. The guy who said he never drank can turn out to be an alcoholic.
User Ctfu from the forums of the website topix.com had to find this out for herself, “My oldest child’s dad didn't show his true colors until I was 7 months pregnant with our kid that's when he cheated an started drinking an leaving me every night so I left him while pregnant an met my now husband when my child was a week old an we've been together since. My child has called him daddy since he could talk an my husband has his name tattooed on his leg with his foot prints in his eyes that's his son an he don't know the real father because he don't want anything to do with his child an that's fine by us.”
7How Much Time Should He Contribute?
User Stcjm from the forums of The Bump resents her baby daddy, "Because he's a DEADBEAT LOSER!!! It blows my mind how someone can contribute absolutely nothing to their child's well-being. No emotional, physical, or financial contributions. NONE. It's also beyond me how someone can go six months without seeing their son when they are less than 10 miles away. Again. DEADBEAT LOSER!!!! I needed to vent. I typed these words very hard on the keyboard, btw."
Being less than ten miles away leaves absolutely no valid argument for why a father won't see his kid or at least help the mom out even a little bit. While it is mind-blowing, it is also way to common in this day and age. For whatever reason, way to many fathers are electing not to be dads to their kids, often leaving their mothers and in no way, shape, or form being any kind of help. While their lack of contribution is appalling, the mothers of their children make it work by whatever means possible.
6Is He The Classic D-Bag?
The Bump user Achase123 has this to say about her ex, "I saw my superdouche deadbeat XH yesterday (well, I saw his truck) and I got so mad for a second and thought about how weird it was that I have a child with this man who's such a complete and total loser."
While it can be said that this mother clearly loves her child, the same cannot be said for the man who fathered that child. Sometimes the person someone has a child with doesn't end up being the person they stay with, and that's okay. People make mistakes, and sometimes their relationship is that mistake, though any child resulting from that relationship is not. Being able to admit that and move on is the mark of a very strong person.
5What If You Just Hate Him?
".....or should i just say sperm donor. He's such a stupid arse. Well i dont need his broke ass and my baby wont either. hmph!" This is what BabyGaga user Jaylin's Mommy had to say about the father of her child in the website's forums. Sometimes a mother doesn't need to give a reason, simply stating that they hate the father of their child is enough.
Sadly, a great many mothers today have problems with the father, whether the issue is big or small. Maybe it's because they don't contribute, or because they just aren't around enough. Whatever it is, as shown with Jaylin's Mommy, most moms are strong enough to pick themselves up and carry on for their kids, providing for their needs and wants on their own.
4What If You Have Mixed Emotions About Him?
Even if he is the most horrible person in the world who doesn’t care and never will, it can be both emotionally and physically exhausting for a mom to harbor any resentment or negative feelings to the father of their child. Adding this on top of all of the other issues moms deal with on a daily basis can make their lives more stressful then they need to deal with, especially if they still have romantic feelings for the man.
One mom who has this issue is babyandbump user Itscrazcrazybabi, who had this to say about her situation, "In all actuality, I love him more than anything. Lately though, I can't stand him. I resent him for everything. I feel like he doesnt care about my pregnancy. He says he does but that its different for him. Im jealous that he doesnt have to change his lifestyle (sushi, wine, etc). I worry that he wont find me attractive post-baby."
3How Do You Know When To End It?
At times when parents make the choice to separate, there can be a lot of tension and emotional issues involved. People try to push through and make the new situation work for the kids, but that’s not always the best choice. Sometimes leaving and cutting off all contact is the only way a mother can make a better life for their child.
The old saying that a kid needs a dad doesn’t apply to everyone, least of all circleofmoms.com user Spencer, “I left my daughter's dad when she was 17 months old... He was the love of my life, my soul-mate and the best thing to ever happen in my life. He was also the worst thing to ever happen in my life. While the emotional roller-coaster he put me through had been tolerable before my daughter was born, the mother instinct kicked in immediately after she was born and came the day that I physically packed up and left him, the company we started and owned together and the beautiful home we had built.” Doing what is best for their children should always be a mother’s first priority, even if it means leaving everything and everyone else behind.
2Can You Know If He's Just A Poser?
Moms go out of their way every day to provide for and raise their families. Most of the time they aren’t given any recognition for doing so, but that’s okay. Watching their children grow into the people they are meant to become is often enough of a reward. What is not a reward, however, is having to do it all on their own only for the father of their child to act as if he does everything when in fact he does nothing. Having to hear from other people about how much he contributes when in truth he hasn’t given any money, time, or effort to the child.
User Sabrina from the forums of the website circleofmoms.com knows exactly how this feels, “He is a severe alcoholic who refused all help, and I felt my daughter was at risk and so I left when she was 18 months old. Now, he doesn't pay child support, never calls to talk to her, doesn't ask me how she's doing, and only sees her every 3 months and only because his parents take her overnight. Then, when he does see her, he posts all these pictures on social media to try and make himself look like a decent father, like I'M the bad guy here."
1How Can You Make Him Understand?
Some of the strongest moms get the privilege of parenting a special needs child. It’s difficult from the get-go, and they need a strong support system. When their partner doesn’t even remotely try to understand the medical issues that their child has, it can be very easy to grow angry with them; even more so when the parenting choices they make because they haven educated themselves about their child’s condition and are challenged by someone who has no earthly idea what they are talking about.
User Kaysaundra from the Circle of Moms website forums has to deal with this on a daily basis, “We had one child and I filed for divorce shortly after our child was born. Our child is a special needs baby. My ex has not embraced our son's medical issues… As a result he likes to challenge every decision I make regarding our son. An example...our son was not reaching or rolling over per the "normal" development time line. I had to fight him to have our son evaluated (in our state it requires both parents signature ) and then fight with him again for our son to take therapy. I am the type of mom who will fight for and protect her child against anyone including my ex, his father. So I had a huge reason to dislike him. Furthermore my ex decided he didn't want to be financially responsible for our child and wanted me to support our child and him (my ex).”
Sources: City-data.com, Babycenter.com, Whattoexpect.com, Circleofmoms.com, Babyandbump.momtastic.com, Thebump.com
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