It’s hard for Moms to make friends these days. This is not something most of them are proud of. As a matter of fact, it can be a point of contention and embarrassment for a lot of Moms. When they were younger, it was so easy to make friends at school. Then later at a job, they had no issues finding a few BFF's. But motherhood is a more difficult job to juggle while being on the lookout for best buds. There can be further complications when Moms need to return to work outside the home and have formed Mom/Tot playgroup friends, or the kids suddenly start to grow apart. It is not easy, and there are many reasons why Mommy friendships don’t pan out.
What can a Mom do then to try and make good friends who are Moms too and get her daily ups and downs? There are lots of things, but previously, the non-computer Moms were nervous to speak up about this. Now it's easier to remain anonymous and talk about their social and emotional difficulties with other Moms online in the hopes of starting to find more permanent Mom bonds that can last a lifetime or close enough. Where can a Mom start, and what should be the first step to make Mom friends? These 15 Moms below reveal why they can’t make Mom friends and what's holding them back. Hopefully this will help guide the path for other Moms to learn and move forward to making women friends.
15 She Was Too Giving So Women Take Advantage
One Mom writes about how when she first started relationships she would always be the giver of multiple material gifts to her new friends. She would find out what they liked and then deliver it to them. She would often feel so sad when they would no longer want to be friends with her, and not return her phone calls. Where did she go wrong, she would think? Well, she soon began to realize that these women were never her true friends, but taking advantage of her generosity to get things from her. And she didn't immediately see that as taking advantage. Once she did, she needed to learn how to stop being such a giver to the point that everyone was taking things from her all the time. This Mom still says this is something she is learning and having a hard time with. It has to be do with self-esteem. After all, that is not something she can learn to get over right away.
14 There Are Mean Moms Out There
Yes, there are mean Moms out there who want to bring one woman down to make themselves feel better. The sad tragedy for Moms desperate for friends is that they let these means Moms into their lives only to have them wreck their self-esteem even more. Mean Moms are Moms who spread rumors about new Moms that aren’t true. They control talk of the town, and always put it back to themselves as the victor or supreme person on the block, and they will start rumors only to have the attention brought back to them in some way. They are the most beautiful, most successful, most talented, with kids who are perfect at the same time. It’s hard to stay on their good side, as it fluctuates with whomever they favor at any one given time. The best thing for any sensible woman to do is steer clear of these evil divas who only have their own interests at heart.
13 She May Judge
Then there are the Moms who claim they will not judge other Moms and gossip, who sadly do. All of us from time to time have passed judgment, whether we are aware of it or not. It's important she acknowledge her guilt in this area, learns from it, and vows not to do it again. All judging does is take her farther away from being able to strike up a conversation with other Moms, and holds her back from talking about her own shortcomings. Interestingly, this will make her more appealing to Moms as she is showing her vulnerability and at the same time telling them it's OK for them to show her theirs. This will form the bond of a close relationship where all is eventually shared. If she learns not to judge and protests to being judged, she will form great relationships in the long haul. She needs to take that next step.
12 She Was Not Secure In Who She Was
Another Mom talked about her own self-esteem issues, how she always had trouble seeing her own personal worth in all her relationships, and what she really liked and valued. She spoke about how hard it was to find a friend who valued her if she could not value herself. Liking music, books, movies, singing, dancing or any other kind of hobby a Mom likes to do in her spare time helps her determine what kind of characteristics to look for in a friend that will be true to her. If a woman does not know herself inside and outside, it will be very hard to find the friend that could help her find balance and love of life. She will be drawn as this Mom was to women who don’t have her best interests at heart and who will use her for their own gains not caring if she gets hurt in the process.
11 It Can Get To Be All About The Kids
We’ve all been there as Moms. This Mom talks about how sometimes women get friendly with other Moms due to their children’s friendships then when those fizzle out, they kind of don’t know what to do with the friendship. If it has become a strong friendship it will survive. This is the case if the Moms bonded on interests outside of their children and had other things in common. If not, it will die a slow painful death or a quick one, depending on the Moms and their attitudes. This is why it's important to remember to keep the Mom friendships separate from the kids’ ones. If the two cross paths, as long as there is open and honest conversation, it could work. If not, it will be an exercise in heartbreak for all concerned. Many Moms don’t start or end up losing Mom friendships due to this phenomenon. The Moms who have told stories about avoiding mixing Mom friendships with kids ones will tell us this is why they avoid that.
10 Parenting Is 24/7
Another Mom had the experience of motherhood, especially at the beginning, being all-consuming, totally draining, and all-encompassing. She was home with her child, but then returned to work and didn't have the time to build close Mommy friendships while working and taking care of her child and family. The process was too overwhelming, and though she missed having friends who “got” her, she didn't have the energy to embark on any new friendships, much less take her little one to many playgroups and activities. When she did, she would play with her little one there as she did at home. A lot of mothers she later spoke to had the same experience. They felt isolated, yet did not have the energy to invest in friendships. This changed for some mothers as their little ones got older, but the beginning was a different experience for most Moms as motherhood, according to this Mom, proved to be more challenging than they had thought.
9 Difficult To Find Parents With Similar Philosophy
Another Mom spoke about the difficulty of finding parents whom she clicked with who had the same parenting philosophy. Especially since there are so many different parenting philosophies out there. There are the attachment parenting people, the organic parents, the positive parenting school, conscious parenting, holistic parenting, and slow parenting plus slews of other types of mindsets and philosophies. It's enough for most Moms to say they need a PhD in motherhood just to find out where they fit, never mind who they can be friends with! This is why many find it difficult to make friends and bond with other parents. Half the time they need to orient where they are in their parenting philosophy. The last thing a Mom wants when she gets together with a friend over coffee is to get into fights about how they each parent. The thing is, all of these approaches are valid. Kids are not all the same and neither are parents. The family needs to find the approach that works for them and let others do the same.
8 Need To Find Parents Who Have Similar Interests
Then there are the Moms who can’t find anything in common with other Moms. This Mom talks about how it's super important as, eventually if she wants a friendship to grow beyond her kids, she needs to have other common interests such as movies, books, sports, other activities or even politics or religion. It’s tricky, as Moms usually meet at the playground or Mom/Tot groups and the focus is initially on their kids. Over time, they can talk and size each other up so to speak and see what each believes in. If one Mom loves shopping and that's not the other Moms’ thing, she knows this is not a potential close friend. However, if she is a big reader and this Mom belongs to a book club, hey, now we’re talking! So it’s about asking questions to get to know each other while supervising the kids. Eventually with time and patience, much patience, friendships can be built.
7 She Doesn’t Want Them Excluding Her Kids
Sometimes two Mom friends whose kids play together suddenly stop due to one or both of the children not getting along with one another. If it's mutual, then it's easier on the friendship. If not, and one child deliberately starts to exclude the other child, then it's cruel and hard for the child and his/her parent as well as the other child’s parent. A lot of Moms fear this, so don’t go the route of developing super close friendships with other kids’ Moms, according to another Mom. This can be tricky and delicate to navigate and with so many other stresses and the hectic pace of life, many Moms don’t want to do this or are afraid to do this. Also seeing her child excluded is the worst thing she could ever imagine. She would rather deal with rejection than see her child experience it. So, she takes the easy path and does not engage in any close relationships in the motherhood community.
6 Too Much Competition
Another Mom bowed out totally from friendships with Moms in Mommy groups, due to the intense competition in the ranks. One Mom brags about how her child is talking, the other one how her child walked at a young age, and another one, how her baby started sleeping the night almost right away. It's enough to give her a headache keeping up with these overachiever Moms and their kids. The thing is, Moms do this to try and fit in. No Mom is perfect, and no child is perfect either. But the competitive Moms who make everything about winning and being number 1, make other women feel that they and their children are not good enough. It’s easier to sit home, have her child play quietly with toys or pop on a video than navigate the competition arena where feelings and emotions ride high and people can get hurt.
5 She Can’t Afford All The Classes And Parties
Money is tight whether she is home full-time or working full-time, and she doesn't have the money for classes and the fun center parties where all the Moms and kids congregate and have fun. She is the oddball Mom who penny pinches and looks for economical activities to do at parks, sledding hills in the winter, outdoor skating rinks, and other free places. The Moms who have a little more money will not be there, hence making it difficult for her to make friends. She will end up eventually meeting a Mom like her, but it will take time as most Moms follow the patterns of classes and fun centers and attend public venues in order to increase their chances to meet people. Some do so out of pocket to themselves, while many can afford it. This Mom knows she can find groups online, but is nervous about going to Meet Ups and forming her own group. She will often stay alone until her luck changes.
4 Mom Groups Put Too Much Pressure On Her
Other Moms avoid close Mom friendships as the pressure to be a perfect baker, arts and crafts Mom, or hostess, can put a damper on her mood and make her feel socially insufficient. She may not have the ability to laugh off what she can’t do and praise what she can. This goes back to her confidence issues in herself. She may need some therapy or counselling to learn to handle constructive criticism, but also learn how to find her own talents and what she does well. Until she can do that, it's too hard to be friends much less close friends, with other Moms who, in her eyes, “have their act together.” It’s of course not that they do all the time and that life is perfect, only that they're aware of their own strengths and limitations, know what they're capable of, and what others are capable of so that a real relationship can begin to flourish.
3 She Never Gets To Finish A Conversation
Another Mom will not want to bother striking up a close relationship with other Moms as every five seconds she will be interrupted by little voices who need her to get them things, need food, have to break up a fight, etc. It’s "Mommy, Mommy!" all the time when kids are young and on play dates. It can make those coffee play dates tough for mothers who can barely get a word in edgewise, never mind build a stronger foundation for a friendship. Mind you, she sees that even for a superficial conversation, she can’t do that if every five seconds she's being called to help her kid. In this case, she decides to make those friends when her kids are older and she's not needed to be the mediator or the referee when they get together with their friends. She says she will see other Moms at the store and daycare, but there never seems to be the time to talk with the running out and about that they do.
2 It’s Awkward... Like Dating
The Mom that coined this phrase knows what she's talking about. It is awkward when she first meets other Moms. It's like that first day with her partner. Neither of them knew one another, asked lots of stereotypical questions, hoped the answers pleased the other one, and kind of danced around the fact they were lonely and hoped to connect. The potential for rejection is great and this is hard on pride, too. Plus, Moms have the added bonus of an audience - their children - watching their every move as she interacts with other Moms in the room. It's enough to make her wish for a “blind Mom date” which unlike blind dates in the dating world, does not exist. So she avoids this too, and only tags along with another Mom if she knows her so can have some blind dates with new Moms with the security of one Mom friend she already has.
1 It Takes Time To Find The Right Ones
Patience is hard for Moms who have to be patient everywhere else in life. For friendships, particularly close ones with women that they are really craving, this is even more difficult to wait for. But wait they must. They sometimes forget that patience is needed to finish school, find a job, meet a partner and have a baby. It's equally important for meeting Mom friends who, if she is lucky, will become major players in hers and her children’s lives as they share many milestone moments together. She wants one area of her life to be less complicated, but this is one of the most complicated relationships, so it will take time to find and build. If she ends up giving it that time, she will find the connections she craves for sure. One day at a time with small changes is how she will make this work. She just has to give herself that opportunity.
So here are the words of 15 Moms who reveal why they can’t make friends. If a Mom sees herself in this category (one or more), she can start working on ways to look at friendship differently in order to become BFF's or good friends with a few Moms in her community. As most Moms already know, there is nothing as helpful and effective as a strong support system.