Job applications have definitely become more time consuming these days. Most job applications require the applicant to take a 150 question test, where all of those 150 questions revolve around the personality of the applicant. Often times these questions are “agree / disagree” and their intent is to weed out individuals who would not fare well within that company, individuals with poor work ethic, and individuals that do not take direction from others well.
One such question is “I always finish what I start.” Of course, in the job world, this helps to make sure any prospective employees actually finishes the work related projects that they start. Because leaving projects half done is never good. Even outside of the work world, abandoning projects halfway through is usually a sign of a personality issue.
Indeed, psychologist Matthew Willhelm discussed how certain personalities feel guilty when they quit something partway through – such as a book or movie. There is a good reason for this: human beings like to feel finished, complete, or whole. Leaving stuff undone is just half a**ing it through life.
What exactly does this have to do with childbirth? Childbirth is one thing that under no circumstances can ever be abandoned halfway through. Yet many moms reach a point in labor where something triggers them and they just want to say eff it and quit. At that point they would probably even circle “disagree” on the question about finishing what they start. Here are 15 moms who "can't even" during labor.
15 Attorney Needed ASAP
What a beautiful moment the birth of a couple’s first child is - a moment that should be a major milestone in a family’s history. Until that moment is a milestone in a majorly different way. Like divorce.
An anonymous forum user confessed that she had been keeping a big secret: that her husband was cheating on her. Because they were a status couple in the limelight, she agreed to keep his affair on the DL to avoid a pubic scandal. She kept her promise until the pains of labor made her want to eff everything. She screamed out during labor – a labor being videotaped and photographed – that she wanted a divorce because she was tired of keeping his affair a secret. I know that’s not how she planned it, but you can’t deny the theatrics of that revelation! Cat’s out of the bag now!
14 These (Hospital) Boot(ies) Were Made For Walkin’
Despite what modern Labor and Delivery units have us think, labor was never meant to be endured laying motionless on your back in an uncomfortable bed. In fact, midwives and doulas throughout the centuries have known that laboring while vertical – not horizontal in a bed – can actually help progress labor. Good ol’ gravity is to thank. Gravity works with the contractions to help bring baby lower into the birth canal. Of course, as labor does progress, mom isn’t going to be breaking any speed walking records, but there is no denying that walking does indeed help.
Enter: one South Carolina mama who knew that walking was exactly what she needed. Her doctor, on the other hand, wanted her strapped in with a fetal monitor. She said eff no to laboring in the bed, undid her fetal belt, and walked the halls without permission. Clearly, her body knew what she needed – only 3 laps and she was ready to push.
13 Recording Precious Moments
Birth photography is something that has completely exploded in the past few years. Gone are the days of dad holding a camera while mom pushes. Birth photographers allow both parents to fully participate in the birth – without experiencing it through the lens of a camera. Especially in the case of a C-section, having a birth photographer allows mom to see things that she definitely would have otherwise missed.
But one mama admitted in an online forum that she had encountered many difficulties with her birth videographer. The hospital where she was laboring had strict rules for who could and could not enter a sterile environment aka the room where she was having her C-section. After mom paid $2k (yikes!) she wasn’t about to lose out on documenting her daughter’s entrance into the world. Since the videographer wasn’t allowed in, mom grabbed the camera and handed it off to dad to record. Let’s just hope that dad knew how to work the camera! Next time, ask the hospital first before handing out the big bucks to your photographer.
12 No Doctor Needed
I am going to tell you a secret: nearly every pregnant woman has wondered what it would be like to not have their baby in the hospital. What if she's stuck in the car in traffic on the way to the hospital, feels the sudden onset of labor and is forced to deliver at home, in the car or in an ambulance on the way to the hospital? It’s easy to imagine all sorts of scenarios where you are forced to give birth before actually making it to the hospital. And unless you were planning on a home birth, these thoughts are a tad bit scary.
But no one ever considers that she’ll give birth at the hospital without the doctor, but that’s just what happened to one mama in New Jersey. As nurses called the doctor to come in for the delivery, mom had strong urges to push. The nurse repeatedly told her to just breathe – hold off on pushing for just a little bit more. Have you ever tried not to push when your body says GO? Yeah, this mom wasn’t having that. She pushed anyway, and the nurses delivered her baby. Doctor arrived just in time to stitch her up!
11 You’re Fired!
“You’re fired” is a phrase that we tend to associate with an employer-employee relationship. Usually, the employee does something wrong or against the rules and the employer basically says, “I’m not going to pay you anymore, so stop coming to work.”
But did you know that you can fire people that you don’t actually employ? You can “fire” a nurse or a doctor, and that is just what one New York mama did during her 28 hour labor. When her nurse informed her that she was stalled at 4cm and a C-section was probably in her future, mama was not happy. The icing on the cake? The nurse told her that since she had an epidural already, it wasn’t “that bad.” Yikes! Let’s just assume that she was overtired, pulling a double, and that wasn’t her normal demeanor. Regardless, mom-to-be said eff that and fired her nurse on the spot.
10 Going #3?
Toilets have a very, very unglamorous duty (pun intended). From housing the standard #1 and #2, toilets also are a portal for deceased goldfish, a site of retribution after a night of drinking, and an immediate disposal for spiders…. What? Don’t look at me like you don’t flush spiders!
The point is toilets have a dirty job, but one that is very necessary. Acting as a birthing tool is definitely not one of their many job descriptions, however. One mama from Indiana found out the hard way that toilets are not recommended for birthing. Mama got out of bed, heading for the toilet. Her nurse advised her wait, suggesting that it was baby pressing on her bladder that just made her feel like she had to go. Mom disregarded that advice and wobbled to the toilet anyway, where she promptly began to push out her baby while sitting. She admitted, “I didn’t mean to push him out… I really thought I had to pee, but my body had other ideas. Maybe next time I’ll listen to the nurse.”
9 Delivery Service
Any mom who has labored at a hospital has probably dined on those gourmet ice chips. So satisfying, right? Ice chips aren’t on the menu because the hospital is on a tight budget; rather, it’s all about safety for expectant mamas. Doctors put a kibosh on eating food during labor because of the risk of aspirating food if the need for an emergency C-section arises. (That’s the reason anyone scheduled for a surgery must fast beforehand.) Since doctors can’t predict if you’ll need an emergency surgery, they opt for the safe side and limit food during labor.
Of course, if mom came in the hospital already hungry, then you can imagine how much more ravished she’ll be during the marathon of labor. One Texas mom said eff that! She begged her husband to bring in her favorite BBQ, and he obliged. She downed her brisket sandwich and powered through the rest of her labor. Luckily, she didn’t need a C-section.
And now I want BBQ too.
8 What’s Your Position?
Position. During the baby making process, women get all sorts of options and opinions for their position of choice. There’s no right or wrong way. During labor, however, women typically get one choice: on your back. In the western world, this is common. In the rest of the world? Not so much.
Birthing on your back closes the pelvis by about 20-30%. Birthing on your back is often more painful, requires more work on the part of the mother, and can restrict blood vessels (the weight of the uterus presses on the vena cava). This is one of the reasons many other cultures use birthing stools and squatting to give birth.
One mama in a New England hospital knew why back laboring is not optimal. Despite the fact that her doctor requested her to lie on her back, she flipped over and began rocking on all fours. She was steadfast in her determination and delivered her baby on all fours.
7 Bye, Felicia!
Not too long ago, fathers-to-be were not allowed in the delivery room. So if fathers weren’t allowed, you can also imagine that photographers, videographers, friends, friends of friends, cousins, kids, and who-knows-who-else were also not allowed in the delivery room. But as times changed, fathers were invited into the delivery room and so were entire families.
This next mom who didn’t give an eff kicked out her entire family from the delivery room: husband, mom, dad, and two sisters. Mom-to-be was Team Green, and her sisters kept harping about how they hoped it was a girl since mom already had two boys. Laboring mom couldn’t take it anymore and kicked them all out. “I didn’t care if it was a boy or girl. I just wanted them to shut up! I couldn’t concentrate with their bickering. And would you believe it? I had a girl after all.”
6 Two For The Price Of One
In the Mommy Wars, some very misguided mothers promote the idea that vaginal births are real and C-sections are “taking the easy way out.” Of course, any mom who has had a C-section is quick to tell you that there is nothing easy about a major abdominal surgery, a 8+ week recovery, and an incision right along the bikini line. That aside, there are indeed pros and cons to each form of delivery – though neither is more or less “real” birth.
One poor mama had the unfortunate experience of going through both a vaginal delivery and a C-section on the same freaking day. After delivering a twin vaginally, the doctor decided that Baby B needed a C-section immediately. It’s not often that moms get both stitches in the V and the bikini line. This mom surely said eff this more times than I could count during her labor(s).
5 Please Let Me Quit
Not every prior C-section mom is a good candidate for a VBAC. The American College of Gynecology created guidelines to help expectant moms and providers discuss if a VBAC is right for each individual mom. In 2010, the ACOG issued a statement saying, “Attempting a VBAC is a safe and appropriate choice for most women” who have had one (or possibly two) prior C-sections with low, transverse incisions.
This New York mama with one C-section under her belt fit the qualifications and her doctor okayed her for a VBAC. She quickly discovered just how horrible contractions are and regretted her decision. Mid-pushing she begged for the doctor to just numb everything and give her another C-section. She had clearly had enough of those awful contractions!
If you’re wondering, her doctor did not oblige her, and she successfully delivered a son via VBAC.
4 Thanks But No Thanks
Say the word “Pitocin” and any mom who’s had it will instantly shudder. I’m over here shuddering too! Pitocin, while helpful in avoiding C-sections in some cases, is an intense drug. Super intense. It is a synthetic form of oxytocin, which makes contractions come on stronger and more frequently than natural contractions. Pitocin is used to induce labor, augment labor, and aid the placenta in coming out (if it needs a little help).
When Kristin’s labor stalled, her doctor wanted to give her Pitocin to get things back on track. Kristin had already heard her sister’s horror story of Pitocin so she politely said eff no to that drug. Instead, she walked around the halls and bounced on the birthing ball to get labor rolling again. Good ol’ gravity to the rescue! Luckily, her plans worked and her baby was born 4 hours after refusing Pitocin. Lucky her indeed!
3 Not Paid Nearly Enough
The first trimester is a hellish pit of all day long nausea and throwing up in random trash bins and toilets across the county. Once you hit the second trimester, you’ll be content never puking ever again. Ever. So it seems a bit unfair that despite all that happens during labor, puking and nausea can enter the scene again. Add to that mix the fact that lying down on the hospital bed may agitate heartburn. Fun times.
This anonymous mom confessed that she threw up on her nurse! Yuck! She was over labor, over the pain, and over the nausea. Over everything. When she pressed the call button for the nurse, she planned on asking for nausea and heartburn meds, but accidently let it spew right as she was asking the nurse. I know nurses sign on for dealing with bodily fluids, but I hope that couple sent her an Edible Arrangement after that!
2 I Do What I Want
Epidurals are a miracle (for those women that they actually work for). Unfortunately, pain relief comes with a few side effects. For one, there are needles involved. Second, you will be pretty much confined to the bed since feeling in your legs is – for the most part – decreased dramatically. Third, you will need a catheter because you won’t be able to feel when you need to go. No thanks to a burst bladder!
So it makes sense then that once you sign off on the epidural that you won’t be able to walk the halls. To help combat this, some hospitals offer “walking epidurals” for pain management. This combo includes a narcotic and a lower dose of anesthesia. The narcotic dulls pain but can leave both mom and baby groggy.
A mom expecting twins wanted to progress labor by walking but also needed to take the edge off. During her pregnancy, her doctor warned her that their hospital didn’t provide walking epidurals so she said no way. She switched doctors (and hospitals) and got the walking epidural that she wanted.
1 Literally Eff Off
This list is filled with moms who said “eff this” during labor. Some moms said eff this when they couldn’t get the pain management option of their choice, or when they couldn’t freely position themselves or even when their family members were over the top annoying. It was easy for these moms to say they had had their fill.
But some moms literally say “eff” during labor. I have no statistic but I’m willing to bet that far more moms cuss than do not cuss. I mean, thinking about labor makes me want to yell a big Scheiße. One couple passed the laboring time by actually counting how many times mom cursed. 792 curse words in 8 hours? That is about 99 curse words per hour or 1.65 curse words per minute. I guess that’s pretty impressive. Let’s just hope they weren’t directly aimed at dad!
Sources: Trimestertalk.com, VBAC.com, acog.org, parenting.com, Wallstreetjournal