15 Parenting Tweets That Will Have You ROTFL

Really, is there anything in this world more magical and inspiring than bringing children into the world and raising them to be quality, honest, hard-working adults? Alright, maybe we could have spent our lives traveling the globe, backpacking through Europe and writing a memoir that catapulted us to a bestseller New York Times level of fame, but who’s counting?

Instead, we chose kids. We chose door number one, and behind it laid a house where the hot water is always running out right alongside our patience. Instead of lattes with our BFFs and playing world traveler, we are relishing every cold cup of supermarket coffee and school plays.

It would seem like we’re getting a pretty raw deal as parents, but it’s just that babies and toddlers are that big of a blessing that we willingly sign up for the rest of the shortcomings life deals us.

Sure, we might not see Rome until we’re in our sixties, but that’s okay, because we’re busy making PB&J’s and “ironing” clothes in the dryer for the next 18 years. There will be tough moments for all parents. Not tough like gee I hate grounding her or ugh the terrible two’s, but tough like did I really want ids or did I just conform to what society duped me into thinking I should be doing with my life tough moments.

Yeah, those.

Truth be told, if we didn’t have grouchy, exhausted parents who are succumbing to the realities of their lives with toddlers and teenagers, we wouldn’t have hilarious tweets that are too good not to share. The select few we’ve plucked off the Twitter feed here are sure to bring us all back down to reality, where we can relate to one another once again.

15 Welcome To Parenthood

@Simoncholland shared: “Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning, you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.” Well if that isn’t the damn truth. Welcome to parenting — a world where we will never again be on time, yet never have an excuse that is worth hearing for why we’re late.

Anyone who hasn’t checked out this guy’s Twitter feed is in for some serious laughter. We could’ve made an entire list out of just his parenting complaints alone. As we drag ourselves out of bed each morning, every parent knows what it feels like to dread having to comb a daughter’s tangled hair or endure the whimpers from their preschooler about what shape their PB&J needs to be in after we cut the crust off.

Ah, parenthood.

14 No Me Time For Mommy

@MommieKnwsFresh shared: “When someone asks what it’s like to be a mom, I show them the magazine I’ve been carrying for 6 months, because damnit, I’m gonna read it one day.” Do you now find yourself wishing you didn’t relate to this so well? Sigggggh.

Every time that Cosmo or heck — even the latest Victoria’s Secret — arrives and you secretly stow it away in a drawer or cabinet for later, when you have more time to yourself. And later never comes. Well, it does, but the whole having more time to yourself never actually comes to fruition.

Of course, we can always compromise on our health and wellbeing by staying up late and depriving ourselves of the sleep we so desperately need just to try and get through a chapter or two of that latest book that our non-mom friends are gushing over.

13 Shopping Crap Show

@LurkAtHomeMom shared: “Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store? 5yo: Do we have to decide right now?” Every mother knows that there are few things more potentially destructive in this world than taking her kids out in public.

While television shows and movies would have you believe most kids behave themselves when they’re in a store, that’s not your kids. Even though you can go to the market with your young ones in tow and find that everyone else’s kids are conforming to social norms pretty well, when it’s your turn, it seems like no one made sure your kids got that memo.

Who’s up for peeing their pants while at the mall and realizing you forgot a spare change of clothes? What about those times when the kids want what they want and they don’t understand how GMOs is an acceptable answer to why they can’t have what they want in the cookie aisle… otherwise known as tantrum central. Proceed with caution, mommies.

12 Money, Honey

@Amydillon shared: “I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream; then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.” Remember that time your daughter wanted to join gymnastics because she got all excited watching Simone Biles during the Olympics?

Yeah… then a few weeks later, the Olympics were over and right alongside them went her dreams of being the next Dominque Dawes.

How about when your son was certain that lacrosse lessons from that retired pro player two towns over from yours was the key to his future? He was adamant about it all year long until you finally gave in. A few lessons in, suddenly, all of his interest in lacrosse waned and he was begging you to take him to fencing lessons.

We’re all about encouraging kids to let their intuition and natural interests guide them, but let’s not create spoiled brats who expect the world to forgive them of their debts just because they changed their mind.

11 Playing Daddy’s Favorite

@Steveolivas shared: “I’m now telling my two kids that I DO have a favorite – but it’s neither of them.” Haha! Yaaaaas! You know when your kids are into that toddler stage and they just drive you crazy allllll the time? Yeah, so crazy that you start thinking babies sound like a good idea again, because they are sweet and quiet.

They express their needs with a simple cry that can be silenced as soon as the mystery need is fulfilled. Sweet, sweet babies. We start thinking maybe our favorite kid just hasn’t been born yet.

It’s kind of the same thing when they’re teenagers. If you haven’t gotten there yet, consider yourself warned. They’ll fight with one another incessantly. They go from failing to communicate their needs well to failing to communicate their feelings well. Instead of talking, there’s a lot of yelling and I statements, like I hate you. So, who’s your favorite?

10 Things That Go Wee In The Night

@Sickayduh shared: “… and in the dark of night, the house’s silent halls, a shrill cry wakes us all, ‘MOM, I WET THE BED’ – The Legend of Sleep Pee Holler” Any parent who has endured potty-training and garnered that accomplishment understand this mother’s frustration all too well. Suddenly, your long-time potty-trained child decides to no longer be potty-trained, at least temporarily.

There’s nothing quite like peeling yourself up out of the bed and from underneath those comfy sheets at three in the morning to strip the sheets off of your child’s best and throw them into the washer. That’s just what you wanted to listen to as you try to get them back to sleep post-shower, the spin cycle.

While you’re up, you might think about going through that long list of things you have to do in the morning before getting the kids off to school and making sure you’re at work on schedule. If you don’t have enough time in between searching for undies in the dark and washing comforters and PJs, stay up a little longer when you finally get back into bed. Just stare at the ceiling while thinking. It always keeps me awake.

9 Mommy's Strange Hobby

@Fluffysuse shared: “Prior to having kids, I never thought I’d consider sitting on my own in the car, a hobby.” Who else wants to own up to this one? You know those days when you think running to the market sounds like a breath of fresh air? As long as you get to do it alone, that is.

We all need downtime, and there’s no shame in a mother — or father — trying to squeeze it in wherever they can fit it. Sometimes, it comes in the form of showering alone for once, but that’s not always possible. Instead, moms and dads need to escape the only way they know how. If they can’t actually leave the house or have nowhere to go, they may just drive around the neighborhood aimlessly until someone reports them for suspicious behavior somewhat resembling a child abductor.

Some parents will take the easiest route possible. They’ll sneak off to the driveway and sit in the car listening to talk radio to drown out the sound of their cries. They don’t want to go back inside. There are Cheerios on the floor in there and something smells. Sit in the car as long as it takes until you realize there are Cheerios on the floor in there, too, and the air freshener hasn’t smelled like pine in six months. Seriously, what parent has time to clear their car?

8 Who Likes Work Anyway?

@XplodingUnicorn shared: “4yo: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4yo: ______ Me: ______ 4yo: I don’t even like celery.” LOL, kids! Trying to explain life in the real world to them is like trying to decipher the seven wonders of the world.

There aren’t enough hours in the day to fill with how often we have to, as parents, attempt to educate our kids on why things happen the way they do or why they must do what we say. After all, they’re toddlers. Their job is to question everything. Why, why, why, right?

Kids are curious. Remember, it’s our job to teach them the reasons behind everything they want to know more about. It’s this kind of exploration that leads them to want to know more about other topics throughout life. Having a child that isn’t narrow-minded isn’t exactly a bad thing.

7 Jailhouse Rocks

@KateWhineHall shared: “My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So, I locked the door. I love this game.” Next in line to the car parked in the driveway is the bathroom. This safe haven for parents everywhere only works if you’ve got a really good lock on the door. Consider yourself warned.

When you think about it, pretending to be in jail isn’t that hard of a task. It’s no far stretch to compare a jail cell and parenthood some days. When you start to feel like an inmate in your own house, offer to play cops and robbers with your kids. Let them lock you up and throw away the key while you sink into a bubble bath and forget your worries. Can ya dig it?

6 Baby With Benefits

@TheCatWhisperer shared: “Another surprise benefit of having a baby is using my new swaddling skills to roll a tight, tight burrito.” Don’t act like you haven’t thought the very same thing when you’re wrapping up your new baby to cradle in your arms. It just so happens that babies like to feel snug as a bug in a rug just as much as ground beef and cheese do.

If you’re really daring and want to treat yourself, chow down on some homemade sushi that you were missing all pregnancy long. If you haven’t mastered the art of rolling a maki roll yet, your swaddling skills are setting you up to ace that test. Just remember to leave the wasabi out of the baby blanket and the binky out of the crunchy salmon roll. Talk about choking hazards.

5 Parents Just Don't Care

@OneFunnyMummy shared: “The longer you’re a parent, the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.” Isn’t that the truth? Hey, it’s not like we don’t try. It’s a lot easier to feel happy for expecting couples when your own kids are grown enough that you have forgotten what it was like to have little kids. That’s probably why grandmothers love babies so much.

Seriously, though. When your best friend tells you she’s pregnant, and you can barely hear her through the phone because your 3-year old is screaming at the TV and the sink water is running as you try to get that baby puke stain out of your new leggings, it’s hard to feign excitement and pretend you’re happy for them when secretly, you’re wishing you hadn’t just lost the ability to drink a bottle of wine with your bestie.

4 Last Minute Mayhem

@Sarcasticmommy4 shared: “Can you help me with this science project that’s due tomorrow? – Kids, at 10pm” For every child who has ever uttered this question, there is a mother who stayed up until 2 AM gluing planet pieces to fishing wire by herself as her child slept on the sofa.

Great! Then you become the parent that wouldn’t let their child do their own science project. You’re such a perfectionist that you just had to take the whole thing over, push them aside, and make sure the project was completed the way someone twice his age would do it. Yeah, you’re not that good at crafts.

Of course, the other option here is to not help them and let them fail the assignment. Would it teach them a lesson? Maybe. It depends on just how old your child is and whether or not they should truly be held accountable for knowing when all of their assignments are due and needing no help from Mom and Dad. In other words, if your third grader hasn’t done their science project that is due tomorrow until tonight, it’s just as much your fault.

3 GMO Grub Snub

Speaking of failures, have you ever questioned just how safe it is to feed your child processed food? It’s a pretty common train of thought these days. Everywhere we look, we are bombarded with ads for food products that aren’t really food. Likewise, our Facebook feeds are filling up with messages from well-meaning friends who are urging us to avoid GMO’s and buy organic.

Sure, all of us would love to make sure that everything we feed our kids is healthy. No one wants to increase the risk that their baby develops cancer, diabetes or other illnesses. That said, it’s damn hard to decipher all of the yays and nays in the food industry. It’s also more expensive. Not everyone can affordable a pesticide-free diet.

Furthermore, it’s not convenient at all. I’m in no way advocating that you feed your child cheeseburgers, but this parent seems to understand the struggle well. @Michael_Lesann shared: “I have heard myself say ‘no, you can’t order fries; have a hot dog’, to my kids. And that’s my parenting fail.”

2 Ryan Reynolds Slays Parenthood

@VancityReynolds shared: “Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.” We love Ryan Reynolds. I mean, what’s not to love about him?

Alright, this would actually be a pretty cruel joke, admittedly. We’re pretty certain he was being completely sarcastic. Right? You never can tell where Dads are concerned, and Mr. Reynolds is no exception. In reality, we know that the celeb dad adores his daughters, James and Ines, more than anything in the world.

Let’s pretend for a moment, though, that it’s not a joke. Let’s pretend parents really do escape from their kids and spend the whole day at Disneyland — sans children. Can you imagine? I mean, the relief of it all. You could ride Space Mountain as many times as you like. There’s no worry over height restrictions, and no need to stand in those long bathroom lines waiting for a changing table to open up. Score!

1 Traveling Through The Terrible Twos

@MyMomologue shared: “This plane is nowhere near ready to land, but I’m traveling with a toddler, so we began our descent a long time ago.” Hahaha, can you relate? There are certainly plenty of parents out there who can.

Traveling with toddlers is never a fun process. Some kids handle the change in routine better than others, but don’t expect that just because your little one naps through the hour-long ride to grandma’s that a six-hour trip to the beach this summer won’t be too bad. After all, no child naps for six hours.

If you’re traveling by plane, you get to deal with airplane restrooms and poopy diapers, potentially painful teeth and ears from the pressure in the cabin, and trying to keep a toddler strapped into a car seat throughout an entire flight where all they can see if their chair, and you, their entertainment. Good luck!

Sources: Twitter

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