Things change when a baby is born. Bodies change, sleep patterns change, social outings change, and most of all relationships change. This can be the relationship between the parents of the child, or this can extend outward to their circle.
Once the baby appears things become a little clearer when considering good influences vs. bad influences. The parents may start to think about if those quirks that made the person slightly annoying at times could actually be damaging to this new life they created. There gets to be a higher awareness about what those long term damages could be. Are most of them probably illogical or carried out to an almost comical ending due to lack of perspective and sleep deprivation? Very likely, yes. Yet, still there have always been doubts and if not now, then when do they take action.
There are some pretty typical traits or personalities that pop up when parents start to decide who to limit contact with. This might not even be a permanent cut off situation. There might just be some time required for space before the new parents can deal with the people. After all they may not be able to trust themselves to speak until they are getting a full night rest.
As the old saying goes, bakers gonna bake and gossips going to gossip. My advice is to avoid these people that you know are gossip mongers until you feel pretty confident with your new role as a mother. This isn't even because they will talk about you, they may not. This is purely because you knowing that they have the potential to go talk about you is a mind game. You will start to rethink every move you make. You will wonder if you will be the subject of the next acid fuelled gabfest between the lady hens. You don't need that pressure. You don't need that doubt. Some women have a hormonal shift after the baby that makes their heart a little more tender in the postpartum period. Things that would usually have them spitting fire back can land and hurt. Take some time away from this negative Nancy to get your strongest self in the ring with them.
14 One Uppers
One uppers are the people that can top your story no matter what. If you carried 15 pounds across a parking lot, they carried 2 pounds across 4 miles of burning hot coals. If you had your baby after 29 hours of labor and no epidural, than they had triplets after 65 hours of hard labor. They don't even always mean malice when they tell these stories, it's just that they have a need for attention. That's ok, but the recovery period after the baby should be about you and the baby. You shouldn't have to worry about fact checking Sally on her story that her breast milk was actually ambrosia and that she knitted the baby's blanket while she was pushing him or her out in the delivery room. You don't have the time or the resources to get to the bottom of that.
13 Debbie Downers
These people will be the ones who point out that all the people that win the lottery meet with demise. They are the ones that point out that even though 95% of the day was sunny there was that 5% where the clouds rolled in and ruined the whole day. These people can be exhausting at any point in life, but they can especially be emotional vampires at times where you are experiencing extreme joy yourself. Therefore you may want to take some space in order to adjust and limit the time with this person and the baby. You can think of it like a little bit of a time out or a shortened schedule with them. It's not that you have to completely cut them off, but it is draining to spend time with people that refuse to see the light in life. You will want to spend your energy and light on the baby.
12 Toxic Parents
How are the relationships that you have with your parents and your significant other's parents? If you had to pause to answer that, or if you got a sinking feeling in your gut, you may want to limit time with them. There are a lot of reasons that parents can be toxic. Unfortunately not everyone is made to be a parent. As the saying goes having kids doesn't make you a parent, putting in the time, love and effort make a parent. With this in mind think about the place your parents are now and if they would be positive forces to bring to into the life of the baby. If they for one instance may use that baby to hurt you or your spouse than it may not be a good idea to foster that relationship. That is going to be something that you don't want to take lightly, but you do want to take action if it's necessary.
I am sorry. Former smoker here. This is not targeting smokers for public shaming or anything in any way except. There is something to be said though for new parents wanting to use care when handing their baby to new people who may have some allergens such as smoke on them. If the baby has sensitive skin or any sort of breathing difficulties (preemie etc.) this could especially be a bad thing for them. Third hand smoke is even something that has shown to have negative affects in some studies. The Mayo Clinic states that the thirdhand smoke mixing with common pollutants that exist. That mix can be a little bit toxic. The concept of third hand smoke is still pretty new, but as more information comes out it doesn't seem like simply running outside to air out will clear the potentially toxic residue.
10 Rule Ignorers
There are people that are always going to think that they know better then you about everything. That is a fact of life. Those people however do need to learn to take your advice and follow your rules when it comes to your kid. This isn't even about respecting you as a parent. There have been stories of children have reactions when family members refused to believe that the "allergies" that the parents told them about were real. There is no room to be undermined when it comes to the safety of the child. Trusting people to follow through your schedule and ideas to keep your child safe are a must. There aren't a lot of chances to be had when it comes to outright ignoring or manipulating rules. You have decide how strictly to go about this. These will need to be boundaries set that are applied universally between your family/friends and your significant other's family/friends. No playing favorites.
9 Know It Alls
These people are going to tell you everything that you are doing wrong. They probably have done that as long as you have known them. They like point out minor infractions of other people to feel superior. They likely don't notice it anymore they have spent so much time knowing everything they just assume that the world has all agreed on their supreme ability to decipher the "right" way to life. This may be someone to avoid because baby's are all difference. If this person tells you all about how their baby slept through the night and they did "x" to get them to do that, that doesn't mean it works on the kind of baby you have. That is both the beautiful thing and the hard thing about these tiny baby humans that we have. Know it alls can take a seat and wait until you are ready to look at them straight in the eye and let them know that you know your baby, and they don't.
8 Excessive Worriers
If you are like most first time moms, you have this covered. You know how to worry about everything that this baby is doing now that it has left your body. The excessive worrier may add fuel to the fire if you aren't careful. They might start out as a subtle question. "Is the way his/her eyes look normal? They look so... different." Pretty soon you are checking with every person you see in the checkout line of the grocery store to see if they see anything in the eye area of your baby that seems alarming? They won't by the way. You know why? Because excessive worriers find things to spread to make you worry too. You keep sane for a little while longer by having a little more space from them until they can put a cover over their worries to keep them from escaping through their lips.
7 Judger McJudgersons
Judgers are a lot like Know it alls except that they are going to give you reasons that you are wrong. They won't just tell you the "right way" way to do things. They are not going to be happy until they completely rip apart every shred of confidence you had in the way you were doing the thing to begin with. These people also have some of the Gossip traits too which lead you to an even more precarious position. You may feel a little cornered by their judgement and on top of that knowing that they are going to spread their judgement around to everyone they talk to. The best thing to do here is again give some time. Of course if you feel comfortable expressing yourself, it would be beneficial in each of these situations to speak up and let them know what it is that bothers you. If that is not doable at the moment than it's ok to take the time to yourself until you can do it.
6 People That Will Guilt You
Guilt can be a pretty powerful thing when you feel it. It can also be a really infuriating thing when you feel like someone is trying to manipulate your actions by using it. People that use guilt to get what they want are not likely to be a good fit to be around your family. These people will eventually make your baby or child feel like they have a job in life. That job is to keep this person happy because otherwise they will feel guilt. You don't want your child to manipulated by people and therefore don't allow yourself to manipulated either. I speak tough from over here right? But Aunt Nancy really is pushy and she has that bad heart. If she doesn't get baby cuddles now, who knows what will happen? Sure, she might have strep throat, but she hasn't gotten to see the baby yet. How could you say no? See how fast it can turn from something light hearted to something potentially hurtful to the baby. Build up that spine.
5 Super Moms
There is going to be a caveat to this one. If the Super mom has arrived to give you backup and teach you her ways than of course you allow her around the baby and never let her go. Learn everything from them and than report back to me with all their secrets. If however they are the Super Mom prototype that prefers to deal in appearances than deeds, than you should kick them to the curb for a little bit. This is purely if you are any way feeling subpar in the motherhood department. If that is happening have your friend that is a couple years ahead of you in having babies come over and have "real talk" about how this goes. You don't need platitudes about how everything is perfect and you can still make it to the tanning booth 5 days a week to keep a base tan. You need the "life gets hard and you wonder if you did the right thing and then there is a smile and you know you did, but it's still hard..." real talk that only friends offer. No Super Moms until you can tell them to kick rocks if they are too much.
4 Drama Stirrers
There is no time right now for drama. There might be time for your Soap Opera stories dram, but that is about all. You don't want to be inviting any kind of drama between friends into your house. If they can't drop the beef or stop talking about what Kelly said to Jessie for a few hours when you created a brand new awesome life, than they haven't really earned time with that baby. They need to be able to be a good adult role model. Also when the kid gets older he or she is going to be eaves dropping on all these conversations. Do you really want them to learn that this is how to interact with people? To talk about people or to egg people on into fights. Try to keep your drama level at about "what am I bringing to potluck?" level.
3 Finger Pointers
People who can never take any sort of responsibility for anything in life. These people are not great people to have around to role model for children. There comes a point in life that you have to start realizing that you are in the driver's seat. If you have people around that aren't able to do that, it gets hard to have them around. It's hard to listen to how everyone else around them is responsible for them leaving their wallet on the top of their car and driving away. It's hard to hear why they were overlooked for the promotion after that huge error they made, but really they think that it's due to some bogus reason. Finger pointers are exhausting. If you find yourself worried about this person someday blaming your kid for something outlandish than you should probably just keep them far away from each other.
For the purpose of this list the definition is not going to go clinical. This is going to be purely the people that are excessively only interested in themselves. The people that remember to ask about how you are feeling only after having given 5 hours of stories about themselves. People that believe that everyone around them is admiring them and only thinking about what they are doing. Your sweet baby boy or girl doesn't need to be put around this. For one the person isn't even going to realize that the baby is there. They will be too wrapped up in whatever thing happened to them moments ago. They aren't going to care about anything the baby does. If the baby could spin 6 plates on spikes on the table, this person wouldn't even bat an eye because they would be looking in the mirror. There are some more damaging aspects to a narcissistic personality in which they may become manipulative etc, but even on the surface they aren't a good fit for baby time.
1 Anyone You Don't Feel Like Putting Up With
The truth is that it's very empowering when you become a mother. You start to get a little more of a sense of yourself and what you can do. With that power comes responsibility. If you see anyone around you that you feel like you need to get a break from in order to better focus on your life, you do it and don't look back. This person might not even be a bad person in other circumstances, but if at the end of the day it makes you don't feel like reaching out that's ok. If it feels exhausting to make the effort to contact the person before you have even done the steps than it might be time for a time out there. You may need all the fuel you can get to pour into your family at this very moment. Soon that won't be the case and you can move a different direction. Life is crazy that way.