Gwyneth Paltrow is a timeless beauty. Her skin doesn’t age, her hair glows with natural highlights and her figure has remained trim and proportioned. But her sense of what women—real, average women—want is a bit askew.

In the past decade, she has become known as a bit of a lifestyle guru. All of Gwyneth’s recs can be found through her website, Goop. Through her site, items are promoted to women with hit words like “trendy” and “understated”, but largely miss the mark because most women, or people who are buying gifts for women, cannot afford to spend to spend $4,587 on a coin purse.

The products listed are not only insanely expensive but laughable to anyone who actually weights more than 98 pounds and has a child living in their home. Everything is glass, gold or diamonds and yet it is being marketed as stuff that you can buy for yourself, your wife, or your mother. You know, regular people.

Gwyneth's suggestions are a data base of the most illogical, bizarre and frankly ludicrous products for the every-day woman, but most of all for anyone who has kids. If you have anyone under 22-years-old that is coming into contact with your belongings, then these goods are not for you.

Behold:

15 Three-Piece Jewelry Kit = $1,505

This three-piece jewelry set listed on Gwyneth’s website is marketed as “sexy”. Let’s break this down for a second—you are urged to purchase a cuff, a ring, and a chain for upwards of $1000. The set is marketed as being versatile because you can wear them all individually OR you can attach the cuff to the ring, using the chain. While women generally love to feel sexy, there seems to be some disconnect here between this product and what appeals to the average female.

Your everyday woman does like jewelry, however the idea of having one part of your body connected to another part while balancing work, children, strollers, cooking, driving etc., is strange and also dangerous. Not to say that women don’t like a little sexy adventure, but it’s safe to say most of us don’t want it in the form of an every-day piece of jewelry.

14 Sandals With Jewels = $1,134

These chunky, bedazzled sandals are personally recommended by Gwyneth. They look like they are a mix between a men’s sandal and toddler’s sandal—obviously, the perfect gift for the woman in your life. Over-sized gems and crystals have been glued to the toe portion of the shoe, adding a hefty amount of weight with an unnecessary amount of bling. The aforementioned jewels are also exaggerated, making them the perfect choking hazard for the special child in your life.

To be fair, they have a massive Velcro strap which would provide easy-on access for a very pregnant woman or a buys mom on the go. However, a pregnant woman would not be able to lift her swollen, tender feet due to the sheer size of these sandals. And a busy mom knows that the sound of Velcro will wake a sleeping baby.

13 Glass Pitcher = $125

First of all, the price tag for a glorified water pitcher and glass is HILARIOUS to start with. But the buyer is recommended to set this on a mother’s bedside, lest she yearn for 8 glasses of water, poured individually. To suggest an extremely expensive, very breakable glass pitcher as a gift for a mother is ill-advised. You’re setting her up for failure.

Even if the baby is a newborn, you are talking about putting a hollow shard of glass next to a woman who is surviving on three hours of sleep and who walks to the bathroom with her eyes closed. But if she had any older children, they will knock that pitcher over while playing a game of freeze tag or throwing a bouncy ball.

Expensive + glass + low table + children = disaster.

12 “Mama” Necklace = $675

Everyone loves something that reminds them of their children. Gwyneth recommends that you can buy this lovely reminder for a mother you know, OR if you’re a proud mother than you can just gift it to yourself! That steep price could get you seven massages, 5 facials, or approximately 62 hours of babysitting. But as our friend G urges, you can could also purchase this mommy swag instead.

It is usually pretty self-evident when someone is a mother; they have spaghetti in their hair and they sometimes wear two different shoes. They are generally easy to spot—there is really no need to showcase their mommy-hood with their title displayed in gold bling. Isn’t the minivan good evidence enough? Or the diaper bag? Or the fact that she has crackers in her pocket?

11 Ceramic French Press = $120

A regular, $20 French Press is nice but this one has an “incredibly cool design”. Any mother will say that coffee plays an essential part to their daily routine, and something that helps to make said coffee sounds like a great gift. However, this press looks like it weighs 300 pounds and if Crayola made this color it would be named “meh”.

A mother’s arms are tired from carrying around children and doing the laundry. She has been working all day whether in an office or at a park or in a grocery store. Don’t stress her out by purchasing her a coffee press that is going to make her biceps sore. Get her a Keurig so all she has to do is lift up a cardboard pod. Or better yet, get her a gift card so she can buy coffee that someone ELSE makes.

10 Stack Rings = $6,465

Looking for a special gift for the mother in your life? Like to buy her a set of thin, light-weight, stack able rings? Gwyneth recommends these! Sure, you could take your family on vacation for the amount of these pieces, but Gwyneth assures the buyer that they are versatile.

You may not have any money left to do something fun with your family, but this present will compliment hanging out in your backyard or…hanging out in your living room, which are the only places you will be able to afford to go after you purchase this set.

Furthermore, the rings are going to get lost. They are going to get separated on the nightstand and one will inevitably roll under a bed, in which case you will have lost $2200 in an instant.

9 Chocolate Cake Kit = $54

Yes, you could buy a chocolate cake kit for $1.99 at your local grocery store OR you could pick up this mix from Gwyneth. It’s dairy-free, gluten-free, refined-sugar-free, with no-grain vanilla and it has vegan caramel! Translation: they have taken everything enjoyable out of cake and are selling it to you for 26 times the amount of a normal cake mix.

Again, mothers do not have a lot of excess time. It might be more considerate to swing by the local bakery and buy her some cupcakes made by a professional baker rather than give her a bag of expensive, brown dust.

Giving this “gift” to a mother sans every decent ingredient, is basically spending $54 to tell a her that she needs to go on a diet. I’m sure Gwyneth would recommend that she whip up some organic frosting made from her breast milk as a delicious topping.

Good luck with that.

8 Tea Cup And Saucer = $82

While spending $82 on a single cup and saucer may seem ridiculous, Gwyneth assures us that this piece is an ideal gift and very unique. I feel like she has never met a normal mother, with a normal child.

I don’t know a lot of mothers who have the time to sit around and drink a cup of tea. BUT the porcelain is from France, so when it breaks when you’re using it for the first time, you can legitimately sob, “Je suis désolé!” instead of regular old, “I’m sorry!” Fancy!

Also, it is a single cup and saucer. What are you supposed to do with just one? There is a reason that events with hot beverages are called “Tea Parties”—they’re meant to be spent with other people! No mom wants to sit by their lonesome and drink tea out of an over-priced Barbie mug.

7 Organic Olive Oil Set = $220

Most mothers will say that first years of their children’s lives go by in a blur. With that in mind, it is absolutely absurd to be spending $220 on cooking oil and a fancy dispenser. New moms, especially, live off of casseroles that kind friends have dropped off or whatever specialty their husband can make (IE Mac n Cheese).

The dispenser will probably never be used and will sit gathering dust in a cupboard or taking up precious counter space. The olive oil will be put on signature dishes like spaghetti or baked potatoes which will be inhaled by parent-zombies. The person who will probably taste it the most will be a toddler who only likes his food slathered in ketchup and eaten off the floor.

Go spend $220 on a new outfit, a gift certificate to a fancy Italian Restaurant, and a babysitter instead.

6 Mom To Bee Bracelet = $55

This may be one of the cheapest items that Gwyn recommends, but don’t let the price tag fool you. This bracelet is made from black string and a couple of beads. Although the word-play is catchy, the end product does not deserve the hefty price tag. This product looks like it was literally made by some indentured-slave children in a poor, foreign nation.

Don’t bother buying this for a new mother because when her son/daughter inevitably goes into preschool, they will come home with same thing—but for free. And instead of paying a ton money and supporting child-labor elsewhere, it will be handmade my someone who they love, here in the good US of A. Awwwwwww.

I am willing to bet that one of Gwyneth’s next hot recs will be the $800 Macaroni Necklace or the $3200 Construction Paper Turkey, whose shape has been taken from a child’s hand.

5 Aromatic Stress Treatment = $80

There are a lot of ways to pamper the special mother(s) in everyone's life, like treating them to a barrage of luxury treatments. Or purchase this oil that Gwyn recommends that smells “relaxing” for $80.

If you’re going to give someone something to keep in their purse to huff when they get anxious, maybe just buy them paint or superglue—it’s much cheaper and it has the same effect. Or maybe instead of throwing your money at some rosemary laced olive oil, you could buy a massage. Or a dinner-date.

(If you’re really into huffing expensive oils, I suggest that you treat yourself to a fabulous dinner at a pricey restaurant and just huff their oil instead. Best yet, you can dip your bread into it after!)

4 Hoop Earring Set = $500

Although hoop earrings sound good in theory, if you have a child these are an accident waiting to happen. You are placing two kid-sized hand-holds firmly into your earlobes, which will swing in front of their face as you’re nursing or dangle just in-reach while you spoon feed them dinner. In addition, they are super shiny and reflective-- this is a recipe for disaster.

The earrings are advertised as a "priceless commodity" but I think it's fair to say that there is a steep price to pay for losing your earlobes. Moreover, these gold death hoops are literally NOT priceless, costing upwards of $500.

Moms have enough to worry about; don’t buy them jewelry that is going to maim them. Until “ripped earlobes” become trendy, it’s best to stay away from hoop earrings in general.

3 Tall Tote = $536

This simple leather tote can best be described as a paper bag with a face-lift; it is the exact same shape and almost identical in color. Moms already have a surplus of these laying in cupboards and wedged beside the fridge.

The last thing that a woman needs is to spend a month's worth of preschool tuition on an extra heavy shopping bag. Yeah, it is nice to have a bag to stick the race cars, shoes, snacks, sunscreen and water bottles into but there's no need to spend your savings in doing so.

Maybe instead you could just fill a bunch of grocery bags with 536 single dollar bills, and give the special mother in your life the gift of cash instead. And who knows—paper bags may be the next big thing, making your lovely lady on the forefront of fashion.

2 One-Strap Bikini Top = $138

Just because you're a mother does not mean that you should have to give up on looking good in a bathing suit. Bikinis are still a great summer item, as long as they have the comfort and support that are required.

Women who are pregnant, have nursed or are currently nursing, can assure you that one strap is not going to be enough to fight off gravity. If anything, maybe the suit should come with three or four straps. But one? That just is not feasible. You don’t want to be the mother who has one of her boobs plop out of her bathing suit at the neighborhood pool. Ask Janet Jackson—nip slips are frowned upon.

Also-- if you have to pay $138 for just a top then shouldn't it at least come complete with both straps? Or is that another $70?

1 Salata Blazer = $792

Blazers are great when they are cut right and form fitting to a woman's body. But especially if you have recently had children, you may be holding a little extra weight in your mid-section. This blazer looks like it came straight of a Catholic boys prep-school, and not in a good way. It is over sized and generally the shape of a potato sack.

The elongated waist will make most women look larger than they actually are and the full-length arms scream MENSWEAR. A smart buyer could easily find something like this at a Thrift Store for $3, if their end goal is to look like a frumpy, 15-year-old boy.

For $738 you could literally have a tailor-made blazer customized to your body shape. You could support a local business and look like a boss in one fell swoop.

Sources: Goop.com