When it comes to vomit, I just can't. Like, at all. In college, I was a puker at almost every party. My best friend would always hold my hair back and rub a cold rag on my brow. When it came her time to pray to the porcelain gods, I would attempt it by rubbing her back with a broom from the doorway and dry heave with a shirt tied around my nose to mask the scent of bile.
Parenthood made me get over the fear of vomit in a quick hurry. It's like immersion therapy when flu season hits this house. My son brought the bug home last month and puked in his Easter basket, my bed, his bed, floor, dog, toys, for 24 hours. I had 24 hours to bleach everything and then his little sister got it. She managed to projectile vomit on my face while I slept. There was no time for sympathy puking. It's kill or be killed when your kids get sick.
Thankfully, my husband has much more of an iron stomach than I do. He scoops up regurgitated goldfish with the same chagrin as if he was planting a rosebush. I am forever grateful for his ability to man-up. However, I know there are many, many men who fair on my side of the puke spectrum and just cannot handle the trenches when it comes to child illness.
For those queasy dads, I give you 15 of the most pukish nightmares poor dads have had to deal with:
15 Puke Baby Gets Dad A Breathalyzer
This first dad is for sure my spirit animal.
For dad, Ben Patterson, his day with his son, Declan, went horribly gross and then snowballed into a sympathy puker's worst nightmare.
You see, Ben innocently met up with his wife, Stephanie, to switch cars and take their son so Stephanie could go out on the town with her friends. What a great dad, right? Well, on their way home, Declan blew a butt-load of chunks all over himself.
The following are Ben's texts to Stephanie as things quickly spiraled out of control.
Things quickly go downhill when Ben sees the vomit and vomits himself. As a true dad, he hit the panic button and is immediately attempting to get Stephanie to haul ass to help him. However, Stephanie is nowhere to be found -- more than likely, giggling to herself over a martini with her gal pals. Not that I speak from experience. Things don't just end with his puking incident either.
Yes, Ben was accosted by the woman who lived in the house where he so delicately purged on the lawn. Hilariously, she was concerned Ben's antics were a sign that he was wasted.
I have a feeling there is going to be a daddy's weekend away coming up real quick for Ben. Especially after reading his violent description of the scent of Declan's puke.
14 Dad Accidentally Captures Projectile Vomit On Camera
I am a mother of four children, and I have yet to see something with as much pressure coming out of my child as little Brody Thompson during a family safari.
The little tyke was traveling through a sahari park with his mom and dad, Peter Thompson.
During the video, Peter is filming lions out the passenger side window, saying things like, "Wow, I wouldn’t mess with them guys, Brod."
Apparently, Brod agreed, because the next thing you hear is Brody's mom exclaming, "Oh my God!" After hearing his wife's excitement, Peter swings the camera around, undoubtedly hoping to catch a lion mid-kill, however, he is greeted with an even more grisly sight.
Little Brody is puking fire-hose-style all over his poor mother. The white spray showers Mom while she handles it like much more of a champ than I ever will be. The shock of the situation caused Peter to freeze, taking in the scene before him, before he finally snapped his camera shut and (hopefully) helped his wife. I guess we will never know.
13 Dad Gets Puke Shower
Nothing says happy memories like a frollick in the backyard on dad's shoulders. Some of the best memories I have of my dad is goofing off and wrestling around. Isn't that what dads are for?
However, once in a while, dads just don't know their own strength. Like the time my dad made me sob hysterically from my birthday spankings. I think I ended up with a pickup truck full of gifts after that, so it all ended well.
Turns out my dad isn't alone. This young dad was attempting to have one of those Hallmark card moments with his baby by hoisting him on his shoulders and running around the backyard. Dad just did the running a little too quickly and jiggled loose a shower of vomit.
My personal favorite part is the way Dad hangs his head in shame and utter astonishment as the puke trickles through his hair. Let's just say, this was definitely a memory, just not the kind he was shooting for.
12 Dad Gets A Pukey Smooch
This poor, sweet dad. He wanted nothing more than to capture the sweet innocence of his little babies early days. So, he grabbed his camera and started blowing kisses to his baby angel.
However, he gets a little greedy after a couple kisses and his baby starts to look a little green around the gills. This should have been warning sign number one, but, you know, dads. They just sometimes lack the instinct to notice bile rising in their childrens' guts, awaiting the perfect moment to explode. This baby was definitely biding its time.
Then, while dad has his lips in an adorable pucker, his baby shoots a spray of white vomit directly into his mouth. Immediately, Dad is 100% over kissy-face time, grunts out a heave and runs. Who knows what happened to his baby because he was hightailing it out of there faster than you can make butterfly kisses.
11 Dad Gets Puked On At The Zoo
Doesn't it seem like when you want to create the most cherished memories with your children, they have something completely, utterly different in mind? Most of the time it's some type of excrement that makes an appearance at the worst possible moment.
Like this poor dad, for instance. He was looking for a wonderful, sunny day at the zoo with his seriously precious little girl. They are hugging and giggling about her love of tigers, which she calls "tacos." Seriously? Kill me with cuteness.
However, things turn for the worst after Dad gives his daughter a kiss that she says is "ucky." Dad laughs and laughs, but Mom knows danger is near. She keeps asking Dad if there's something in the girl's mouth making her gag. He brushes it off and says she is being funny.
Well, nothing was funny when she purged a stream directly on Dad in front of the "tacos." But, Mom's smugness can be felt right through the videography. Should have listened, Dad. Just sayin'!
10 Cool Puked On Dad
Upon first glance at this photo, if you cropped out the baby covered in cottage-cheese-like throw-up, you'd think...what's the big deal? This guy is ready for a business card with this cool face and calm demeanor.
Then, you put the baby back in and you're like, ahh, I see it now. I see what's happening here.
Still lost? Well, what you're seeing is the inner rage stream behind this cute dad's tiny glasses. You see, he was once full of hope and childhood memories of his own to instill on his precious baby. Now, he is dead inside after wearing the business end of a salad bar that his child previously consumed.
This dad is about to lose his shit, people. Step back and let the man get to a shower. Whoever's taking this picture better deal with the baby while Dad bathes with paint thinner. He deserves a little Dad Time Out.
9 Dad Gets A Fresh Taste Of Puke
What is it with babies having sniper-like precision when it comes to puking in their dad's mouths? This poor sap didn't even have a second of reaction time before he had a mouthful of baby juice.
It all started as an innocent game of helicopter. One we have all done a zillion times with our children. Then, things escalated extremely quickly when his precious daughter shot a rocket of regurgitation right into his laughing mouth.
His reaction is absolutely the best. "It's so warm and not milky," he said with water in his eyes.
Thankfully, Dad was able to keep down his own bile but did mention it felt like he was next to puke. He even had a little laugh with the most defeated look on his face.
Mom definitely got her ab workout on this one as she can be heard guffawing the entire 40 second video while her husband rolls around on their living room floor wishing he was dead.
8 "It's So Warm!"
This dad just cracks me up. You can almost see his nerves as he holds his wobbly son for what appears to be a rare occasion. You see, men have this overwhelming fear they are going to break their children at any moment. Men see themselves as bulls in a China shop and babies are extremely precious tea cups.
As he sits and nervously holds his bobbing son, he starts getting confident. They have an adorable babbling conversation. He laughs, looks at Mom with the camera and soaks in this precious moment with his child -- so proud of himself for taking the time to have that moment.
Well, that moment took a left turn to Grossville in less than a minute. His little giggle monster unloaded a mouthful of puke on his stomach. Mom quickly snapped the camera off because Dad was not having it. A few of his last words were, "It's so warm!"
7 Dad Captures Puke On Snapchat
Just because you're a celebrity, does not mean you are immune to the trenches when it comes to parenting. Safe to say rapper, Freddie Gibbs, learned this lesson the hard way.
Gibbs innocently started filming himself with his child getting ready for breakfast to post on Snapchat.
The adorable duo are seen in their pajamas, with Gibbs's baby on his shoulders.
"About to get breakfast up in this," Gibbs tells his Snapchat following. Then, right before the explosion from his child, he delivers the perfect line. Seriously, you couldn't have written a better slapstick comedy if you tried.
"Where breakfast at boo?" Gibbs says right before his child immediately delivers it on the top of his head.
As it trickles down, Gibbs hilariously says, "I did not deserve this." We know, Dad, we know. We feel you. Could be worse, though. It could have been your mouth.
6 Baby Sticks Up For Mom By Puking On Dad
I'm the first one to admit, I am no sweet peach during the holidays as a parent. It's stressful and my husband and I tend to take our frustrations of trying to make a perfect holiday out on each other.
Turns out we aren't the only ones. As you can see, this adorable little girl is dressed up in her best Rudolph jumper as she hangs out with Dad. Off-screen, you can hear Mom ask dad to do something. First, his reaction is, "What?!" in a less than sincere fashion. Then, Mom calmly repeats her request of Dad and his response is, "Okaaaaaaay!"
His daughter was not having Dad's Grinch-like attitude on Christmas. So, she let him have it with a lap-full of vomit. Her smug little face afterwards made my Mom heart oh-so happy.
I'm only hoping the videographer was Dad's mom, so I know Grandma was 100% supportive of her crabby son getting taught a lesson by his little girl. We women need to stick together, right?
5 Tickle Time Turns Into Puke Time
There's just something about dads always wanting to put babies on their chest while they are lying down that is a recipe for a one way ticket to Puke Town. My husband did that with one of ours one time and learned his lesson the hard way just like this dad. Something about the pressure on their tiny stomachs causes everything to empty in a quick hurry.
This sweet dad was playing a game of kissy face with his little boy right before bedtime. It appears his little one already had his nighttime bottle because Dad was reintroduced to it in a quick hurry.
Dad was on Cloud 9 getting kisses and giggles from his little boy. He kept trying to get more and more, just a little too greedy for the loving. His baby looked a bit uncomfortable and then...hot barf right in Dad's laughing mouth.
Oh you, poor, poor bastard.
4 Dad Can't Handle Puke Clean-Up Duty
Oh this poor Dad. My heart goes out to him. Baby puke is a beast on its own, but little kid puke is another echelon of parenting. It isn't just milky, white and really not that smelly. Once they are eating solid foods, it's human puke in all regards and this dad just can't deal.
It appears his son decided to puke all over the walls, floor and kitchen on just a random morning. Dad is elbows-deep in paper towel on his hands and knees trying to sop up the stenchy mess.
His violent gags each time he looks at the puke sends him into a fit of laughter. He is so nauseated he has gone hysterical. He says, "Boy, you got it everywhere," as he scrapes it off the sides of the cupboards.
His son is more concerned about not having to go to school as dad's face turns purple from his vicious gags.
"Puke in the garbage can," his son advises him as he also does not want to deal with more vomit.
3 Dad's "Prank" Ends In Puke
Okay, up until this point, I have felt bad for the dads who have to deal with their children't throw-up. I get it. I've been there. It's horrible. However, this next dad definitely deserved having to deal with his daughter's puke after his "prank" failed.
The dad is attempting to teach his two little girls a lesson after they took out a plastic butter knife to play with. So, he smears ketchup on his leg and pretends he has been stabbed.
He drags out the prank for much too long, working his girls into a tizzy saying they are going to jail and the police are going to take them away. They get more and more hysterical as the three minute video drags on.
Finally, he licks the "blood" and his older daughter loses it. She starts gagging and eventually throws up, causing Dad to ditch his prank and apologize. Judging by his daughters' faces, it will be a long time before they forgive this unfunny joke.
2 Dad Left Shell-Shocked After Puke Incident
There's that moment after you've been puked on where you sit, stare and wonder what chain of events in your life led you to this moment. Is it the flu? Did I jiggle them too hard? Are they compulsive pukers? Do they not like dinner? Are they allergic to me?
The thoughts race through your mind as you try to pinpoint what exactly happened and just how much cleanup duty is required. Do you have to do more laundry? Hire a cleaning service? Burn the house down and start over? While, I always try to get away with option three, my husband doesn't agree.
This picture encapsulates all of those thoughts racing through a dad's mind the few seconds after a puke explosion. This dazed dad is giving us a Thousand Yard Stare as he wears that day's lunch all over his typical Dad shirt.
Life isn't fair, you poor man. Time to get the Febreze.
1 Dad Immediately Regrets Holding His Son
One of the hardest parts about getting puked on isn't the bile rising in the back of your throat, but the pain you see on your child's face.
This dad is caught between the crossroads of wanting to throw his son across the room and cuddle him even harder. The amount of vomit pile-driving him in the middle of the kitchen has stomach flu written all over it. His little boy's face is red in pain and Dad is struggling with holding on tight while getting showered in bile.
However, that's parenting in a nutshell. Sometimes you have to grin and bare it for your child. Yes, there will be times they will make your iron gut quiver, but you're in it for the long haul.
Besides, who had kids thinking they would never have to deal with vomit? Nobody. We all knew these days were coming. Now, cowboy up and grab some Lysol. It's stomach flu season.