There’s a lot that Mom doesn’t know when it comes to having and raising babies. The illusive truth is out there, but it’ll take asking the right questions to discover exactly what we’re searching for. In our pregnant, sleep-deprived, or brain-fart states, we might ask the strangest of questions. Like, “What happens to the baby when I sneeze?” Since our curiosities are not suppressed easily, we seek comfort in the anonymity of the Internet to satisfy our unusual interests. No matter how bizarre, silly, or awkward it is, someone out there might be able to solve the mystery.

There’s also a lot of children who ask questions, to which their parents also flock to the Internet. Children can baffle the best of us with their surprising thought processes. And sometimes finding, knowing, or explaining the answer does not come easily.

The Internet is a treasure trove of humorous and relatable gold, if you know where to look. We dug deep into its trenches to uncover some of the best questions that we know will get a laugh from mom’s who have been there, can sympathize, or are as equally confused. Being a mom is the most confusing puzzle to figure out, but with a little help and a few laughs, we can all help each other to figure it all out.

15 “What Does One Give A Toddler That Ate Human Feces?”

Um, a napkin? This very important question is one that most parents will ask when their toddler starts exploring their diapers, or the unflushed toilet? If it wasn’t from their diaper, I can’t imagine how they’d end up eating human feces, as most civil people – or parents with toddlers – will make sure to flush their number two’s. That being said, toddlers find a way to make the impossible possible. So once that impossible moment rolls around, how do you deal? If you’re really quick to act – and have the gift of laughing at the small things – make sure you capture a picture of the mess. It’ll be a great memory you’ll share when they're older. But let’s face the reality of the situation: human feces is full of bacteria, so it’s not the greatest lunch for your three-year-old. If the little rugrat ingests more than a handful, they might be in for a rough day and night. Mom, be prepared for lots of tummy rubbing and dry toast.

14 “Is It Harmful To Eat Baby Powder?”

While it may seem silly to think about downing a spoonful of baby powder, it’s a surprisingly popular question many people would like to know the answer to. The varieties of questions include whether or not baby powder is addictive and whether it is safe to eat. Why are there so many people who are curious to know this? Sure, the scent is nice, but I wouldn’t call it appetizing by any stretch. As mind-boggling as it is to comprehend, it’s equally entertaining to imagine a stressed out mom of four sneaking away into the bathroom to get her fix of BP. According to sources, craving the taste of your baby’s bottom dehydrator may be a sign of a vitamin D or iron deficiency. If you find yourself sneaking a taste of the white powder, no need to fret. Indulge. But if you end up consuming the stuff on a regular basis, go see your doc. For real. You’ve got a problem.

13 “Does Anything Happen To The Butthole During Pregnancy?”

Oh, if she only knew. For those women who have yet to enter the Mom Club, listen up. Your body goes through the most amazing transformations to make sure that your tiny fertilized egg has room to develop a fully-grown infant. Your organs shift, your hips misalign, body parts get bigger. You will also feel a variety of pains everywhere, including in the you-know-what. When you’re in your third trimester and nearing the end of your pregnancy, the weight of your baby-belly puts tremendous pressure on your back, legs, and – you guessed it – butthole. Yikes! Your newborn hasn’t even arrived and he’s already a pain in your butt. The pressure that the baby puts on your rectum will likely result in some painful hemorrhoids for Mom. There are a lot of remedies you can try to ease the pain, but the best thing you can do is keep off your feet to keep the pressure from popping out more of those ouch-pouches.

12 “My Son, 6 Years Old, Likes To Smell His Butt? Know Why?”

Sigh. Little boys can be so gross sometimes. From picking their noses and wiping them on the furniture, to taking a poop in the tub, young boys have no boundaries when it comes to sharing their bodily fluids or exploring their body parts. And there’s often no explanation as to why they’re choosing to do the random things they think of. While a kid smelling his own butt does seem odd, there could be a million reasons why he’s doing it. Maybe he is imitating your dog, or is curious to know if his butt smells as bad as his poop? Or he could just be doing it because he can. I mean, that’s pretty impressive if he can smell his own butt. The best way to find out the answer to this question is to ask him. Most six-year-olds have no filter anyways, so be ready to hear an honest answer.

11 “Can You Give The Child A Wedgie As A Punishment?”

While I don’t know the moral answer to this question, I’d certainly like to meet the parent that plays this one out. There are a lot of standard ways that a parent can punish their child: send them to their room, withhold their dessert, take away their favourite toy. There are also a lot of unorthodox ways of discipling your child. Wedgie included. As parents, we really shouldn’t judge when it comes to punishment techniques. What works for one child may not work for the neighbour’s child. If a wedgie is what it takes to get your kid to stop dumping cereal all over the floor in the morning or to get them to buckle down and finish their homework, then by all means. Effective is effective. However, if I’m in the position to give advice, may I suggest avoiding the atomic wedgie? As a parent, you’ll thank me for not having to continuously buy new underwear for your misbehaved kid.

10 “Did Baby Jesus Suck Tatas?”

Well, how do I put this simply? Yes. It’s honestly safe to say that baby Jesus, as well as the rest of the babies born two-thousand-plus years ago, were suckling from mommy’s bosom. I can’t imagine Mary and Joseph were running to the market in the middle of the night to pick up some ready-made formula. Although, I really have no idea how things worked back then. For all I know, Mary pumped and Joseph fed Jesus at 6am and let Mary sleep in, because they were soooo progressive back then. At the end of the day, Jesus was still an infant that needed to be fed. Even though he was miraculously conceived, there’s little evidence to support someone being miraculously nourished without an ounce of ingestion. If you’re seriously asking this question, then you’re just as bad as those who sexualize or scoff at breastfeeding. It’s natural! It’s normal! It’s what God made boobies for! Let’s move on, already.

9 “I Was Changing My Child’s Diaper, And He Peed In His Own Eye. I’m Panicking. Is He Going To Go Blind?”

Oh boy. The multitude of horror that this mom is facing. Not only did her son pee all over himself, but now there’s a risk that the infant will go blind? Say it isn’t so! The only way someone can go blind from getting urine in their eye is if they develop a serious eye infection from an STD, with no desire to remedy or treat it. And even then, it’s a stretch. A baby is the least likely form of human to get an infection because his urine is pure, just like his innocent soul. A little urine might irritate the little baby’s eye, but he’s certainly not going to lose all visibility because of it. Could you imagine how many blind men there would be in this world if all it took was for them to use their pupil for target practice? Your baby will be just fine, Mom. But you may want to invest in a few stress-relieving bath products.

8 "I Dropped Off My Son's Urine Sample In A Tupperware Container. Can You Please Give It Back When You're Done?"

Again with the urine questions! If you’re truly storing, transporting, and delivering your son’s urine in the same container you store your sandwiches and dinner leftovers in, just let it go. No piece of Tupperware is worth the hassle of retrieving that tainted piece of plastic. Not only that, but just think of the clinic who receives your son’s sample. Will they really feel inclined to cleanse out your container and put it aside for your retrieval? That’s a hard no. I understand that sometimes you have to make do with what you have. But next time, make sure you pick the runt of the Tupperware litter and bid farewell to it the moment you drop off the specimen. Or better yet, clean out a container (with a lid!) from your recycling bin. Problem. Solved. You get rid of your waste and get to keep a firm grip on your prized Tupperware.

7 "Has Daddy Ever Seen Mum's Bagina?"

First of all, how cute is it that a little kid would a) call a vagina a bagina, and 2) remain so innocent as to what daddy has seen? Awwww, if only you knew, sweet child. It’s always adorable and hilarious when children mispronounce their words, saying things like tewwible, instead of terrible. Whether they’re replacing r’s with w’s, or reinventing new words entirely, we can’t help but smile at their attempts to communicate. Pronunciation woes aside, what do you say when a child asks you this question? “Yes, Olivia. Daddy has seen my vagina many times. Including the day you were conceived and the day you were born!” There’s no sugar-coating this answer. If you conduct a home where body parts are free to air out and be on display, then it’s likely that Daddy has seen Mommy’s bagina. But even if you keep your parts to yourself, you’re a family. Families will, at some point or another, catch a glimpse of each other’s most intimate zones. Whether it’s accidentally walking in on someone changing, in the shower, or something more scandalous. The point is, the bagina is no mystery.

6 “In The Middle Of Dinner, With No Context: "What Did It Feel Like On Your Last Day Of Being A Child?"

Children ask the most profound and ridiculous questions. How do kids even come up with this stuff? For them, they have no concept of adulthood and zero understanding of time. To them, weekends and 1-hour drives to Grandma’s house last an eternity. But to answer this bizarre, thought-provoking question, “I suppose the last day that I was a child was also the first day your life began. So, it felt very, very painful.” Seriously, how do you even begin to measure when you were no longer a child? When you hit puberty? When you graduated high school? When you started paying rent, bills, and taxes? It’s hard to pinpoint, but the feeling will always be paired with a little bit of fear. It’s always hard to move forward in life, but it’s especially difficult to assume greater responsibility. Whether it’s to not crash your father’s car the day you get your licence, or the day you become a parent yourself, it’s scary being an adult.

5 “If A Two Year Old Hands You A Phone, Do You Answer It?”

Yes. The answer is always yes. No matter who is on the other end of that phone – president Trump, a telemarketer – you take that phone and play the part of curious call recipient. “Hello? Yes, this is Abigail’s mother. You don’t say! Well, I’ll be sure to no longer let her have cookies. Goodbye.” “Abigail, that was your dentist. You have 20 cavities.” You can play your version of the game however you like, just so long as you play. The worst thing you can do is to stare blankly at your playful child handing you the toy phone. Doing this will lead to awkward, antisocial tendencies in your child, and believe me, that is your worst nightmare. If your child doesn’t make friends, or learn how to use a phone for that matter, you can cross “having time to yourself” off your future list of things to do when baby Abby grows up.

4 “What Does Santa Smell Like?”

That is a good question. The best response to this would be to answer with another question: “What do you think Santa smells like?” Your kid will likely return with the answers of gingerbread, peppermint, sugarplums, or some other sugary treat. And to that reply you will answer, “Yes! That’s exactly what Santa smells like. Good guess, my son.” Because even though that’s not what Santa smells like, you won’t have it in your heart to tell them the truth: Santa smells like turkey grease, B.O., and reindeer poop. Or as Elf states, "Like beef and cheese." It’s not pretty, and it’s certainly not very appealing to the kiddies. They’re best to discover the answer to this one on their own, the day you take them to meet Santa. The moment they sit on his lap, they’ll look to you and know that you lied. But then, you’re not Santa’s keeper, nor are you aware of his grooming habits. Your child will forgive you, but the same can’t be said for dear ‘ole Santa.

3 “Will Anything Happen To My Baby If I Accidentally Swallowed Gum?”

Perhaps a little paranoid, aren’t we? Okay, my bad. I’m not here to judge the anxious thoughts that would-be mothers have had. But for real: swallowing gum is the least of your worries, Mama. If I were you, I’d be more worried about calming my nerves and enjoying this time when I can eat and swallow just about anything I want. Swallowed gum will land in your stomach and become digested, just like the rest of the nachos, chicken wings, and fried pickles you ate that day. It does not land in your womb, or become detectable or accessible by your fetus in any way. It’s funny how much we worry while we’re pregnant, avoiding the most normal of things to protect your growing embryo. The womb is the safest place and there’s not much that can rattle the development of your baby, including a tiny piece of gum. If healthy babies were born to the smoking mothers of the 60’s, then it’s likely that your baby will be A-okay.

2 “Will I Love My Dog Less When The Baby Is Born?”

Hmm, let’s see. Will you somehow forget about your memories, bond, or affection for one another? Will you forget to feed, walk, or pat your dog? I’m not sure how your emotions are running, or how quick they are to change, but I think it’s safe to say that the love will not be lost between you and your pooch. With a newborn in the house, you’re bound to spend a little less time with your pup and more time tending to nappies. But, that doesn’t mean you won’t be making time for a fluffy snuggle when your baby goes down for his nap. In fact, you’re going to probably want more cuddles from your mutt just to ease the stress and chaos of caring for an infant. Loving your dog less is not the issue, is it? If you’re even asking this question, it probably means that you love your dog SO MUCH that you worry about the strength of your bond suffering. Don’t worry, Mama, Fido will understand and learn to share his mother with another.

1 “My Husband And I Are Very Attractive. I’m Sure Our Baby Will Be Beautiful Enough For Commercials. Whom Should I Contact About This?”

Woah now, Gisele & Tom, tone down the ego for a moment. First of all, congratulations on your shared beauty and baby. Those are two gifts many people dream of achieving and envy in their downtime. Seriously, you’re very blessed. Second, who’s to say your baby won’t be born a mutant? Who knows what genes will collide to make your offspring. The DNA of your child is made up of more bits and pieces than from yours and your hubby’s. Third, baby commercials are overrated. If your tot has talent, get your baby in movies. That’s where the money and the longevity lives. Boy, some people don’t know showbiz at all. All advice aside, it’s hard to believe that some parents are planning their babies future while they’re still in the womb. Even then, why commercials? Beauty can achieve so much, like getting into clubs free of charge and getting the best rates on a mortgage.

Sources: Answers.com, AskOpinion.com, Yahoo!Answers, BlurtIt, Livestrong, VisionMD.org, BabyCentre.com