The controversial hashtag FedIsBest has been circulating the internet lately, and causing no small stir. There are those who fully support this statement, feeling it eases some of the pressure placed upon mothers by the phrase "breast is best." Others feel saying "fed is best" is a cop out. In fact, one mommy blogger went so far as to say, "Fed is best? No. Fed is a necessity. Fed is the bare minimum...We know that WHAT we eat is important, so why are we so keen to ignore that when it comes to babies?"
Words like "ignore" and "bare minimum" are the ones that bring guilt, frustration and shame to those mothers who are not able to, or choose not to, breastfeed. I personally feel "fed is best" is not an excuse. To me, it means mamas who breastfeed are doing a wonderful thing for their children, but, in most cases, babies who are not breastfed are not any less loved, any less nourished or any less in any way than those who receive breastmilk, and neither are their mothers.
I came home from the hospital with my new son sore, extremely sleep deprived and totally overwhelmed. He suffered from low blood sugar in the hospital, and barely avoided going to the NICU. He wasn't gaining weight, so we had an appointment sheduled with our pediatrician the next morning. I didn't know what I was doing. I was up all night. Offering my breast, changing his head position, changing my position, crying, stressing, on the verge of hysteria. I had been inundated with "breast is best" on posters and and in pamphlets in my doctor's office, in the hospital and by the lactation specialists who had visited me while I was there.
I loved this little guy more than anything. Of course I wanted to do what was best for him, but he wouldn't latch, wouldn't eat, wouldn't do what I had been told would come naturally for both of us. Read on for 15 reasons why I now believe with all of my heart that #FedIsBest.
15 Every Baby is Different
That first night home, after trying to breastfeed for hours, I finally broke down and gave my baby some formula from a bottle. I sobbed the entire time, but I needed to sleep, and so did he. I hadn't shut my eyes for more than 45 minutes since I'd gone into labor 4 days before, and he was a tiny guy who just wanted some nourishment. He slurped the formula down, easy peasy, and drifted off in my arms, but even though my body ached with exhaustion, I couldn't rest.
I was racked with guilt. What had I done? I had given up on my little man. I hadn't done what I was born to do, what all moms are supposed to be able to do. Instead of resting, I found my phone and read article after article, watched video after video, trying to figure out what in the heck I was doing wrong, and why my baby wouldn't latch.
14 Every Mother Is Different
The next morning we went to the pediatrician's office. He told me to keep attempting to breastfeed. He reminded me of all the benefits my baby would get from my breastmilk. He gave us formula to use in the meantime and told us to use it "if we needed to."
Whether he meant it or not, it seemed like he was saying, if you do what you are supposed to do, you shouldn't need to use it. You should be able to feed your baby. Only selfish moms use formula. At least that's what I felt, what I thought, as I slowly, painfully shuffled out of the doctor's office. I headed home with the resolve to try harder, do better.
Since that horrible first night, I have learned that breastfeeding comes easy to some, but not to most. Many mothers are able to overcome the learning curve and have successful breastfeeding relationships with their babies. Others decide that breastfeeding isn't what is right for them. While I was struggling, I felt like I was the only woman in the world who couldn't figure it out. I now know that I was far from alone.
13 Mom Guilt Has To Stop
When we got home from the doctor, my husband suggested I pump while we tried to figure out how to get our baby to latch. I finally figured out which tube went where and pumped until the milk was pink with my blood. I had produced less than an ounce. After researching to make sure bloody milk wouldn't hurt my little one, I poured what I had extracted into a bottle and gave it to my treasured boy. I felt so guilty I thought I might throw up, and I cried and cried and cried.
It seems moms are harder on themselves than anyone else is. It's so easy to blame ourselves for everything we aren't doing, instead of focusing on the things we are doing, and doing wonderfully.
Celebrity Molly Sims, owns the fact that she didn't breastfeed. Her take is extremely refreshing, and free of the guilt many mothers place on themselves. She shared of her experience with breastfeeding, "I did nipple shields, nipple guards, supplemental nursing system, it was horrible...Cut to I’m not breastfeeding, and I’m proud of it.”
12 Postpartum Depression Is A Huge Problem
Over the weeks and months that followed, I attempted to nurse my son every day. In the meantime, I exclusively pumped. This meant that any spare moment I got to myself was spent pumping or washing pumping parts. Some friends and family never breastfed, and kept telling me to give up and move on. Others seemed quite disappointed in me that I couldn't seem to figure it out. It had, after all, come naturally to them.
All of this contributed to what I now recognize as major postpartum anxiety. I hardly ever slept. If I did drift off, I would jolt awake 20 minutes later to check on my baby. Most of the time, I held him, even when he was sleeping. I felt like I had failed him in the breastfeeding department, so I needed to give all of myself to him in every other way. I cried all of the time. I felt horribly guilty. All of the time.
It took time, but eventually my hormones balanced out a little, I slept more, and I felt better. I was very lucky. Too many women suffer for months or years in silence. Those who struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety often choose to stop breastfeeding to give themselves the ability to heal in the that way they need to.
11 New Moms Have Enough To Worry About
Looking back, I wish someone would have told me that I was enough. I wish someone would have reminded me that I was trying, and that was enough. When I turned to the internet for help, it seemed I always stumbled across a fact or study that would remind me of all of the reasons why breastfed babies were better off than their bottle-fed counterparts. I wish I would have taken the time to give myself more credit.
Reality star Bethenny Frankel admitted she felt "like a failure" after almost completely switching to formula by the time her daughter Bryn was 3 months old. Frankel shared, “I’m 10% breastfeeding now. And I feel guilty about that and like a failure."
Bethenny also revealed that breastfeeding is “...the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life...the feeding and the pumping is very time consuming. It’s worth the sacrifice and I love it...but it’s definitely challenging.”
Everything about being a new parent is challenging and time consuming; constantly feeling horrible about not feeding our baby in the way some say we should be able to only makes things harder.
10 Bonding Takes Place In Many Different Ways
Actress Christina Applegate underwent a double mastectomy after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Because of this, she was not able to breastfeed her daughter. She has said of the love she experienced the first time she laid eyes on her child, "I felt my heart literally open up for the first time and like wrap itself around her. It was profound." For Christina, the bond she has with her baby girl was in no way diminished because she didn't breastfeed.
About 6 months into my son's life, I finally let myself enjoy being a mother instead of fretting about not doing a good enough job. My heart aches when I realize I should have relished more of those first weeks and months that I'll never, ever get back. I pumped and pumped whenever I could, and got my son breastmilk as much as I could, in a bottle. I held him close during every feeding, sang him lullabyes, rocked him, drank in his sweet smell, and we bonded during feeding time, even though his food wasn't coming straight from my body.
I finally decided enough was enough and began to tune out my own self-doubt by focusing on how much I loved my baby's smiles and coos and giggles and snuggles. Whether you breastfeed or formula feed, or both, please enjoy every moment of the beautiful bond you share with your baby.
9 Breastfeeding Can Be Extremely Challenging
Breastfeeding comes very naturally to some women, and for others, it is a huge struggle. I now know that I'm not the only one who has struggled. Most of the women in my family, and those who are my close friends, are breastfeeding champions, making me feel a little less than stellar at the time I was whipping out a bottle when everyone else I knew was producing a breast.
It's so easy to feel like the only one who can't get the hang of the whole stick-your-baby's-head-on-your-chest-and-allow-them-to-go-to-town maneuver. I have since found support groups and met many mothers who struggled just as I did, and allowed the guilt to eat them alive from the inside out.
To those who are having a hard time, you are not alone! Breastfeeding isn't for everyone, and it is perfectly alright to feed your baby in the way that works for you.
8 Some Women Struggle With Low Milk Production
Some women are able to get their babies to latch, but struggle with not making enough milk. Pumping, special diets and continued perseverance can help this issue, but many women feed their babies a mix of breastmilk and formula, or decide it's best for them and their baby to switch to formula completely.
Supermodel Coco Rocha had a few wise words for those who offered unsolicited advice in the comments after she posted a photo on Instagram of her daughter, Ioni, eating formula from a bottle.
She later posted, "I loved breastfeeding Ioni for the first 5 months of her life and then one day my milk went dry. It happens to every mom at different times. She's been on formula for a few weeks now and seems to be doing just fine. In the last 4 weeks she gained another 2 pounds, grew another inch and is in the 90th percentile for her age. Anyone who has a negative comment to make on the way I raise my baby will be blocked."
7 Dads Like To Be Involved
Not breastfeeding isn't all bad. I had to go back to work soon after my baby was born, and my husband was a full-time stay-at-home dad. He would often take the night watch so I could get some much-needed sleep. He was able to feel the incredible joy that comes from nourishing your child, comforting your child, holding your child close. He was able to feed our son, and he loved every minute of it.
David Valdes Greenwood, a gay father, shared his experience with feeding his daughter formula in a piece published on HuffingtonPost.com. He said, "I tried to shake off the formula-shaming, even as it added layers of worry to my already tired parent-of-newborn mind. It’s not like there was anything else I could do about it: I had no breasts, and neither did my husband. Whatever the cause, it’s no picnic to defy the accepted wisdom of your time, especially when you are surrounded by a population being trained to rattle off all the “facts” about how much your child will suffer as a result."
Greenwood continued, "As my daughter outgrew formula, there was no hint yet of the most commonly-cited expected outcomes; in fact, she was fit and active, the first to walk of all the kids in the moms’ group I’d joined, and she pretty much managed to skip all the ear infections and stomach bugs felling her playmates. The only kid in the group who could keep up with her at the time was a boy named Kaelen — and he was a formula baby, too."
6 Moms Already Get Enough Judgement From Others
Moms are judged about pretty much every decision they make, every day of their lives. Not only by those they know, but by perfect strangers as well. There will always be someone who disagrees with the way you have chosen to raise your baby. Since becoming a mom, I've received my share of disapproving looks.
I am in no way arguing that breastmilk isn't the very best option when it is a possibility. I am saying, however, that with a constant stream of online information that has never been the norm until this generation of moms, it's easy to feel like a failure on every front.
Adele is yet another celebrity who struggled with breastfeeding. She has bravely stated, "Breastfeed if you can but don’t worry, [formula milk] Aptamil’s just as good. I mean, I loved it, all I wanted to do was breastfeed and then I couldn’t and then I felt like, ‘if I was in the jungle now back in the day, my kid would be dead because my milk’s gone.'"
5 Parenting Is A Personal Journey
No one is up at all hours of the night with your child but you. No one is dealing with the after affects of giving birth to your child but you. No one should make decisions on how you care for and nurture your child but you. Case closed.
I cannot tell you how many times I received unsolicited advice from well-meaning friends and family that never helped at all. I would find myself finally at peace with the fact that I was feeding my baby in the way that worked best for me and my husband when a comment would have me reeling with guilt once again. One day, at a baby shower, I found myself alone in a room with a mom I didn't know. She breastfed her baby while I fed mine by bottle. Before she asked my name, my baby's name or even said "Hi," she leveled me with a look and said, "Did you even attempt to breastfeed?" Ouch. After each of these well-meaning, heart-wrenching comments, the healing process and the search for the feeling that I was, in fact, a good mother began all over again.
Looking back, I wish I would have ignored it all. I wish I would have realized that I knew how hard I was trying better than anyone else. I should have been proud of myself for how hard I did try instead of beating myself up because of someone else's perception of my reality.
4 Your Best Is Enough
Many celebrities have bravely opened up about their struggle to make breastfeeding work. Every woman who comes forward and admits to having a hard time with feeding their baby may give peace and solace to thousands of women out there who are also struggling, and suffering, in silence.
Carrie Underwood, mother to Isaiah Michael has said of motherhood, “You feel guilty about every single thing, every decision you make, everything you do." Underwood is another who has struggled to make breastfeeding work. She shared she planned to breastfeed her son, "as long as I can take it. It’s hard. My supply is pretty nil. We have to supplement with formula. I’m doing the best that I can, you know?”
Singer Kelly Rowland had a hard time breastfeeding as well. She has said, "I had my heart set on breastfeeding, but I wasn't producing enough milk. I got down on myself, which I think was mentally limiting my supply." Rowland ended up switching to formula, a decision that she feels was the best one for herself and little one.
3 Parenting Is Freaking Hard
Actress Elisa Donovan shared of her breastfeeding experience, "To reiterate for the record — I’ve been an organic and non-processed-food-eating, eastern-medicine-practicing, zen-yogi for over 13 years now. I’m a firm believer in acupuncture, and that GMO corn and cow dairy will kill you faster than running in traffic on the freeway at night. So it went without saying that I would breastfeed my kid."
She continues, "It also goes without saying then, that I was utterly and completely unprepared for the reality that I couldn’t do it. Not only was it not working, and excruciatingly painful for me beyond anything imaginable (yes, even beyond the pain of labor), I also realized that (wait for it, this is gonna be a doozy) … I HATED IT...the tremendous guilt and shame that I felt compelled me to continue."
Parenting is a pretty overwhelming and challenging job. Along with feeding, parents must deal with sleep deprivation, blow-outs, crying and piles and piles of laundry. Breastfeeding isn't a joyous experience for everyone, and sometimes, calling it quits is the best option.
2 Formula Feeding Moms Need Love Too
Donovan also shared, "Everyone is well aware of the benefits of breastfeeding, and there is a plethora of information out there in support of it. There are literally step by step how-to guides and hotlines and nurses and professionals at the ready to assist you. Yet there is zero info on what to do if you are one of those women who can’t — or who chooses not to."
She continued, "In the boundless reading I did while I was pregnant, there were pages and pages on the advantages to breastfeeding: from the nutritional, to the hormonal, to the bonding, to the physical assistance in losing the baby weight, but when it came to information on formula feeding, there would be one or two sentences that read something like this: For the small percentage of women who are unable to breastfeed, formula is fine."
She's got a pretty good point there. Yes, breastfeeding needs to be celebrated, and it is a beautiful part of the miracle of life. Yet, for those women who formula feed, the shame often comes from what isn't said on the subject.
1 A Mother's Worth Is Not Measured In Ounces
My son is now a happy, energetic and hilarious toddling terror. He pulls my hair and runs away giggling before I can get his diaper back on. He is my whole world, and I would die for him without a second thought. I am at peace with how I have raised him, because he knows I love him, and he has received everything from me that I have to offer, even if what I offer isn't always perfect.
Mother and writer Avery Furlong may have put things better than anyone else ever has on the subject of #FedIsBest in the article "A Message To Moms: Your Worth is Not Measured In Ounces," published on PostPartumProgress.com. She shared, "I am a firm believer that fed is best. Breastmilk is absolutely amazing. There is so much science behind that, and I won’t deny it. But formula gave us something that breastmilk couldn’t. It gave me my sanity back."
Furlong continued, "Formula was best for us. No amount of breastmilk could ever replace me as a happy and healthy mother. He needed ME more than he needed my milk. Because I am “the best” for him. I am enough. You are enough. Your worth as a mother is not measured in ounces."
Sources: HuffintonPost.com, Blogs.BabyCenter.com, Mommyish.com, CelebrityBabies.People.com, PostPartumProgress.com