Some women love their pregnancy. If you ever meet one of those women, run far, far away, because there is something wrong with them. Whenever women tell me they love being pregnant, I stare at them with incredulous eyes and find myself wanting to crack open their skull to see where the crazy resides. “You loved being pregnant? Which part? The part where you were puking your brains out, or that part at the end where you are so fat, you needed your handyman to come widen all your doorways?”
They just laugh, like I’m telling a funny joke, shaking their heads as they walk away. I sit for a while and think about my pregnancies again, wondering where I missed the part I was supposed to love. I am normally a pretty optimistic person and can generally see that silver lining, even in bad situations. Still, even after reflecting on my pregnancies, I always conclude that: Nope. Nothing to love about being pregnant. Other than the knowledge of the upcoming end result: a precious little baby to love and cuddle.
I thought about the different trimesters, and the different experiences I hated about each of them, but I have to conclude that the end of pregnancy is the absolute worst. Some women might have thought that the first trimester was the hardest, but I would have to disagree, for the following fifteen reasons. I would take the feeling of morning sickness, to the absolute misery of the third trimester anytime.
It probably goes without saying with this incredibly obvious reason why the third trimester sucks—extreme fatness. When you feel like you need balloon handlers to navigate your giant butt around corners, there is nothing pleasant about life at that time. It is not anyone’s fault, although I enjoyed saddling that burden on my baby in the womb, letting him know he owed me big time.
We all know there's a baby in there, and that’s the reason you are so ginormous. That doesn't make it any more enjoyable for the mom-to-be.
It's not shameful to be that big, it is just extremely uncomfortable. So many things can't be accomplished, like painting your toenails or getting out of a chair. I'm pretty sure this is one of the biggest (get it, biggest?) reasons why the end of pregnancy made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. Except, I couldn’t curl up into a ball, because I was too flippin’ huge.
When you are pregnant, you can't wait to feel that quickening, the feeling of the baby moving around inside you for the first time. When it happens, it is very exciting. It feels like a little flutter of butterflies, or like a worm, or even like you might have eaten some bad Thai food.
As time goes on however, that gentle fluttering feeling turns into kicks and fist pumps that take your breath away, and sometimes make you pee a little, if the baby lands a right hook in just the right spot.
There is nothing worse than the end of pregnancy though, when your baby is getting so cramped, your entire belly moves, like Bella Swan's vampire baby is inside your stomach and is trying to eat it's way out. It gets pretty weird there towards the end, and you forget what it was like to not have a creature moving around inside you. You can't wait for that empty feeling again.
I've never been a big drinker. I don't mind a couple when socializing with friends, and the occasional glass of wine won't be turned down if offered to me, but I can go for months without a drop and don't even think about it.
That is, until it suddenly becomes a forbidden fruit, and then all I can think about is the nectar of the gods, and it becomes an absolute obsession. Every alcohol commercial is like a taunt, and each alcoholic beverage suddenly looks like the most delicious substance on the planet, and I would die without its nourishment.
I start throwing daggers with my eyes anytime someone walks by with a drink in their hand. My husband had to start hiding his drinks, or he knew Pregzilla would come out on a rampage, to berate him for his insensitivity at daring to bring a forbidden substance into the home. Not being able to drink really sucks, especially towards the end when you are so miserable you are sure some alcohol might be just the ticket.
There were times during my pregnancies when I just cried and cried, because everything hurt and I felt like I was dying. The weird part was that I wasn't dying, but it often feels that way. You hurt in places you didn't even know existed, and pains will develop you don't even have a name for. The doctors often can't even tell you what the pain means.
If that's not bad enough, you can't even take anything for the pain, and you're not even allowed to drink alcohol, you know, to numb the pain away like a normal person does. See #3 above.
So there you are, lying around suffering, and somehow that is not considered cruel and unusual punishment. Surely there is some kind of safe plant or drug, that won't harm the baby, but can help moms-to-be get through the misery of aches and pains in the final trimester? I mean, come on, are we torturing ourselves just for the fun of it? Because giving birth isn't painful enough, we must suffer through months of it? I will donate to the medical research team who discovers a third trimester happy pill, let me get my checkbook.
Have you ever fantasized about sleep? I sure have. Have you ever been scared of going to bed, because you knew you wouldn't get to sleep for more than an hour at a time, and you would wake up so tired and miserable you wanted to cry? Every mother put your hands up!
Because I am normally a stomach sleeper, I think my biggest fantasy involved being able to sleep on my stomach again. I even (in my head), invented a mattress that has a hole in the center for a baby-belly. Kind of like those massage tables where there is a hole for the face, only this mattress has one for your giant tummy. Can you picture it? Genius right? Somebody put that on Shark Tank double quick!
Lack of sleep has to be one of the worst things about the end of pregnancy. It just doesn't seem fair that you get no sleep before and after the baby is born. This is one of many things I will be taking up with God.
When you are in the third trimester, even simple tasks become extremely difficult to accomplish. Everyone takes for granted the freedom of being able to take care of yourself without asking for help. It is very lowering to have to ask for people to do for you what you've always done for yourself, like put your own shoes on, or zip up the back of your dress.
When you are pregnant, you basically feel like a toddler. You need people to help you dress, feed you and reach things for you, and you feel off balance, like you are learning to navigate the world for the first time.
You are getting used to a body that isn't normal and natural for you, and it can be odd to be so large, and being front heavy can cause you to stumble and feel a bit like the turtle in this picture. Giving birth can't come soon enough, when you are feeling so out of sorts.
I don't know about you, but I am not a patient person. I am losing it just waiting for the next Game of Thrones season to arrive, and that's a TV show. Waiting for the most anticipated moment of your life--the birth of your child--is pretty tough, especially because it's a very long time coming. By the end of pregnancy, you are going absolutely nutty with anticipation to meet that little tyke.
I have never thought nine months was a very long time, but when you are counting every day, every minute, it sure does seem like an eternity. In fact, it is the slowest passing of time in my life, and I've been a kid who counted days until summer. Pregnancy is way worse.
The one consolation is, of course, that you will be handed a baby at the end of all that waiting, so that's a pretty great prize. If you have to wait that long for something, at least it's the best reward on the planet.
One of my absolute favorite activities is urinating. No, seriously. I. Just. Love. It. There is nothing more pleasurable than that glorious activity.
I find the bathroom incredibly soothing, the toilette seat extremely comfortable, and the smell...intoxicating. I just love spending all of my time in the bathroom, I might just camp out in there because that would just be easier. And awesome.
Yes, that was sarcasm, people. Who wants to spend half their day on the John? If you answered, "no one", you get to see what's behind curtain #1.
Sometimes, it feels like you are in a constant state of 'I need to pee.' Even if you just peed, it feels like you didn't empty your bladder completely, and you still feel that urge. When you actually go, nothing comes out. If you are wondering why that is, it’s because the baby is playing kickball with your bladder. Good times.
When in the final stages of pregnancy, you don't even know what your body wants anymore. You don't know if you are craving something, or the baby is. You didn't used to like pickles, you are sure of it, but now they seem so delicious.
Sometimes, you want to eat healthy, but the baby wants junk food (let's blame the baby). Strangely, you also feel hungry all the time, even when you've just eaten. But you also feel so full you will burst, even though you are hungry. That's because the baby is squashing your stomach into a pancake.
You are such a mess, you don't know whether to eat, attempt to sleep, or pee. Basically, you are your soon-to-be-born baby. It is such a frustrating stage, because nothing feels normal, and you don't know your own body. Your body is acting like it doesn't belong to you, or like there is a baby in there messing with you. One or the other.
In general, I love people. I get along well with most of them, I like learning from others, and I enjoy the energy that fills my soul when socializing with other humans.
When I’m 9 months pregnant though, I hate everyone for different reasons. I hate every skinny chick that walks by; I hate every man for—being a man; and as I mentioned earlier, I hate every person who is allowed to drink alcohol.
I can’t stand people who are being nice to me, because I feel like they are coddling me like a child. I want to throat punch people who ask me if I’m having twins. I hate my doctor for being so calm and collected when I’m falling apart, and I hate people who don’t cry. I also want to stab my husband with a fork, even on the best of days. And, if you tell me how much you loved pregnancy—you are dead to me and we can’t be friends.
I was always scared of childbirth. Let's be real, it's terrifying. It's just that as the days get closer and closer, the terror becomes overwhelming. When you are in the beginning stages of your pregnancy, the birth seems so far away that the fear is more manageable--a distant obstacle. You also figure you have enough time to prepare yourself for labor, by doing research and making a birth plan.
Somehow, not enough research in the world can truly prepare you for labor, not even that book What To Expect When Expecting, helped me much to get through it. I'm not advising that you don't create a birth plan, but oftentimes the birth doesn't go anything like you planned. No two births are alike either, so just because your first birth went one way, your next one could be completely different. That fear of childbirth can really get you down in the final trimester. Googling everything that can possibly go wrong (as I did), is not a good idea, but you'll probably do it anyway.
Being pregnant can feel like your body is no longer your own. Not only has a baby claimed your body as his, but there are always people randomly touching your stomach, like that is somehow okay. If that doesn't make you uncomfortable, then add to that the fact you've often got some doctor poking you with needles and staring up into your hooha.
That happens in the first trimester too, but it seems to occur more, as doctor visits get more frequent in the final stages of pregnancy. The fact that you are gaining weight and your body does not feel 'normal' anymore makes this lack of privacy a bit more embarrassing. I remember that I could not wait until I could go back to having 'privates', which had started feeling like they were 'publics' and were on display for anyone, so long as they had even minor involvement in my child's birth.
As if you don't already have enough stress and worry at the end of your pregnancy, you start to worry about whether you will even make a good mother at all. The pregnancy seemed like a long time, but it was only nine months. That’s nothing when compared to motherhood’s timeframe. Don't worry though, if you mess up motherhood, it's only forever. No biggie. No pressure what-so-ever.
This is one of the scariest things a soon-to-be mom will face during her final stages of pregnancy. Especially if she is a new mom, but even if she has one child already, she will wonder how she will handle multiple children, and how those children will affect the family dynamic. I don't have much advice to help you get through this fear, except that if you love your children and try your best, things will work out. Well, hopefully. My fingers are crossed for you, at least.
The end of pregnancy will have you on an emotional roller-coaster ride. You have no control over your emotions, and you will cry, laugh, and rage for seemingly no apparent reason. Your friends start to avoid you, that is if you don't lose them altogether, and I'm sure there is more than one time during the end of your pregnancy when you husband/partner wonders why he ever married you in the first place.
Hopefully some of your friends have been in your position, and will accordingly be a little more understanding and forgiving. Your husband may think you are being possessed by Satan, but that's his problem and he deserves whatever he gets for getting you pregnant, am I right? Eventually, those hormones will calm down after the baby is born, I swear. In the meantime, let's hope you don't get too comfortable being a raging you-know-what. Remember when your parents told you your face would 'stay like that'? They were lying. We think.
I'm not trying to be mean here, but muu-muus will never be a great fashion choice. There comes a time towards the end of every pregnancy though, when muu-muus and baggy sweats are the only thing you will want to wear. Comfort will finally outweigh fashion, no matter how long you tried to avoid it.
They can't design maternity clothes big enough for the end of pregnancy, so we all just have to be content with men's clothes and tents. Add to that the fact that your feet and legs now look more like they belong to an elephant, than to a human woman. It is what it is, we just have to suck it up and deal with it, but it sure does make the end of pregnancy suck a big one. Don't worry, Mamas. There is one good thing about the end of pregnancy--besides the baby about to come out--and that is that you have finally reached The End.