15 Signs This Mom Thing Isn't For You

The thing about being a mom is there is this period of 18 years in which there is this very forgiving return policy. If for any reason the child doesn't work out for you, just return the baby to the hospital with the tiny baby hospital bracelet and ... Oh, wait. I've just been informed by the legal department that you should not do that. My thinking was once you saw that sweet little baby hospital band there is no way you would return them, but after witnessing a particularly heinous sibling fight today- I'm not sure my plan is foolproof. Best to take another approach.

Let's make sure that you can hack it before we let loose with having/adopting kids. Let's make sure the cut of your jib is equal to the task of raising the next generation. You know these children are our future. Let's raise them well and let them lead the way. Below are signs that the adjustment to parenting is going to be rough. I'm not saying the things can't be dealt with. I'm just saying that they can be obstacles and they may signal that you don't want to do this mom thing.

15 You Like Sleep

Oh, I miss it so much. Looking at the clock seeing that it's 7 am on Saturday and then rolling over to go back to sleep. Please tell me that you are appreciating that right now. They say early bird get's the worm, but nobody even likes worms. For real. I've asked every mom I know how she feels about worms. The only exception to this is if they are gummy worms. Let me tell you this, no one brings you gummy worms for waking up early. I have been doing it for six years now and still nothing. Just a lot of requests for breakfast. Oh, we are supposed to get up and start cooking food? Why is this happening? Well, because I didn't have anyone write me a list to reference of signs to check if Momming was my thing. Now we know, but it's too late. My poor kids. Think of the children! From what I understand eventually this will flip and there will be this teenage period of time where they will not get out of bed. This sounds good to me.

14 Sharing Food Makes Your Eyes Twitch

Bad news. If you should ever get any food you are immediately expected to share. Your child(ren) will come up to you like they haven't eaten in 15 years and beg for your food. They will salivate not even because they want the food, but because they are so happy to make you share with them. To take the last little bit of something from your hands. Even if they just said they were full. Even if they have tried the food before and hated it. Even if they can't pronounce the food. Even if it's vegetables. They assume if you are eating it, it must be good and therefore they must have it. Hey, someone should teach those little animals some manners. Also they will do this cute thing where they say "Mom, let's share." However they never, ever bring anything to the table. Literally and figuratively. Do you think they will hand over their apple sauce for you to take a bite? They will not.

13 Saying No Is Hard For You

You have got to be able to lay down the rules like a boss. We don't put up with none of that sassing back either. They smell fear and they will chew you up and spit you out if you let them. Practice doing an authoritative voice. For me, I listen to the Hulk say "Hulk Smash!" and then I use that as my guide for "No." Some might say it's over kill. Some might also say that ripping my pants and shirt at the bottom to look like the Hulk after he changes back from the green dude is overkill, too. You don't know me. You don't know what we do. You do what you have to. Sometimes that means elaborate references to pop culture that they won't get until they are much older. You can't handle the truth.

12 You Enjoy Your Partners Undivided Attention

As if that wasn't hard enough to get, now you will have your children in your face telling you that you must talk to them instead. Also, they will make you listen to stories. Sometimes their stories will be about made up things and people. Ok, mostly they will be about made up things and people. They also won't have a point. They may forbid you to talk to your significant other. They may cry if you speak to your significant other. You may start to forget who your significant other even is. The wedding pictures around the house may help you to recognize him, but after awhile you may not even recognize yourself in those pictures. After all that bride doesn't even have spit up on her dress. Seems a little bit full of herself if you ask me. Just sayin'...

11 "Because I Said So..."

Have you uttered that phrase? No, really. This is important. Maybe one of the most important deciding factors or signs I can look for. Have you said it? If you haven't said it, I need you to try it out now. You don't have to say it loud, but we need to see that you are capable of forming those words. Say it just above a whisper for now. I know it hurts. After all we were never going to say that to our kids. We were always going to be patient and we weren't going to have "stupid" rules. We were going to let our kids do the things they wanted and learn from it. We were so smart. They have don't listen though. I mean you give them good reason after good reason why they shouldn't do something, and they ignore them. They pretend you didn't just give them a good reason. And eventually after being worn down to a shadow of your former self, you say it: "Because I said so!" and if you really mean business you add "End of story."

10 Criticism Makes You Crazy 

You are probably not going to make your children happy 90 percent of the time. If you decide to have more than one child that percentage goes to 99.88877888455 percent of the time that every one is going to be unhappy. You will make the wrong thing for supper. You will go to the wrong places to play. You will give them the wrong thing to play with. They will have wanted to go right instead of left. You are a poophead because you didn't understand what they meant when they said the mermaid puss and boots. Also you look funny without your makeup and your breath smells bad. So what if you just woke up. You can't tell them that their 3 year old stench is bad enough to singe your nose hair because you are the adult and you have to take the higher road. If you are afraid of heights this motherhood may not be your gig.

9 Compliments Make You Crazier

Sometimes they love you. They love you so much it's embarrassing. That's when they poor on the compliments. They pour it on thick. Like embarrassingly so. They will say "Mom, this is the best toast ever." "Mom, you smell like rose flowers and rainbows." "Mom, that dress doesn't look funny on you." "Mom, you are way smarter than Dad." Aww, shucks. Maybe they do love and appreciate everything I do for them, you say to yourself as you blush with embarrassment and appreciation of their appreciation of you. You are right children I am the best at cleaning up your rooms. You are right, I do dishes better than anyone. I vacuum like a ninja. I can do the house cleaning very fast...I can...oh, wait. There is a pattern there. They may have meant all those nice things. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this, but next time be aware.

8 You Enjoy Judging Other Parents

If you enjoy judging and pointing out the flaws of other parents, you may want to put off having children. I have found that it significantly cuts into my ability to feel superior to other parents when my own child is acting like a little skunk butt. I can't be holier than thou and rolling my eyes because someone allowed their child to eat sand, while my child is screaming at the top of lungs that they pooped their pants. If you are not ready to give up giving your opinions on the right way to raise the next generation without giving any thought to the grey areas in life, you may not be ready to be a mother. It's a hard fall from that high horse. I nearly broke a hip.

7 You Can't Ask The Pertinent Questions

Have you pooped today? You will ask this question every time there is a stomach ache, or there is any threat of sickness. It is in the mommy handbook as the must ask question. If you can't look another human (if they are miniature) about their pooping habits, then that may be a sign that you aren't ready to be a mom. There is no bigger concern in a mother's life than if her child is regularly pooping. Unless you consider the consistency of said poop and the amount. This is all very important information. You will discuss and ask about poop more often than anyone could have guessed. You will do it with a straight face and you will not even think twice about asking it. That is, if you are ready for this mom thing.

6 You Panic Seeing Bodily Fluids

Oh, honey. I know. Quick confession. This is one I struggle with. I had to confront this fear early on when I was home alone with my newborn giving her a first bath in the sink. She began to poop. I panicked. Took her out of her whale sink bath and laid her on the island counter on a towel as she finished letting her Play Doh mustard poop escape. She lay on her stomach wrapped in a towel pooping everywhere. Eye contact was avoided as she finished. I panicked again and threw away the towel when she was done and bathed her again. No permanent damage was done. You will have to deal with puke, spit up, pee, sweat, tears, ear wax, poop, snot, and blood. You may literally have to catch puke in your hand with a super human ability not to vomit on your child in the process.

5 Fear of Parenting Yourself

If the idea of raising a mini you fills your heart with dread and causes your blood to run cold, this may be a sign that you aren't ready. We all remember the "I can't wait until you have a daughter and I hope she is just like you" comments. They were funny back then. Umm, yeah of course. You would know just the right way to raise a perfect child like yourself. Except well there was the high school years that looking back you did maybe go a little crazy, and then there was college. You may have been better off studying a little more. Surely she will only have your good traits. That panic inducing fear that's gnawing at the corners of your brain right now, I'm sure that doesn't mean a thing.

4 Not Good at Closing Loopholes

You need to be able to close loopholes. Never leaving any doubt in the rules. If you leave so much as an ant sized hole, they will force an elephant through. For example if you say: Do not color on the wall. That seems straight forward enough, but when you come back into the room you see them coloring on the chair. Do you know what went wrong? You left a loophole because you didn't say they couldn't color on the chair. They will let you know that you didn't say that and like a tiny attorney with no conscience they will say, "but MOOOM you didn't say I couldn't color on the leather sofa. You just said not to color on the wall." The right way to close up the loopholes would be to say "Stop coloring on the wall. We only color on paper that Mom says we can color on."

3 Trigger Word "Mom"

If at any point in your life you have been hypnotized and the word used to get you to act like a chicken was "Mom," you are in trouble. This will be a guaranteed sign that you should not be a Mom. This would be more for your safety than anything. Chances are that you will turn in and out of a chicken 522455 times a day with the amount of times your children will call your name. Even if you haven't been hypnotized, you will need to be able to withstand the constant hum of "mom" calling in the background. There may often be a tune that accompanies the mom calling. Also there could be tears with it. Mom is much more fun than saying anything else... even like lets say "Dad." Just not as fun. Be ready for this phenomena.

2 You Aren't Good at Elsa'ing

If you can't let it go, it's going to be difficult to be a Mom. Your children will constantly make you mad. That is the nature of being around and shaping these little people. They make mistakes, you will make mistakes, and life goes on. If you can not let the small stuff go and forgive each other, then this may be a sign that you are in for some rough times ahead. You can't hold grudges for all the things that the kid(s) do wrong. They forget about it  3 minutes after it's over and if you continue to be angry about it after you have addressed and given consequences-you will be the one that is missing out. You have to Elsa all the stuff that made you mad yesterday and move on to having a happy day today.

1 Heart Not Prepared to Grow

If you are not prepared to have your heart grow three times it's normal size and fill with love, then you may not be prepared to be a mom. As much as you try to deny it, you will find that they are the best things that ever happened in your life. You will try to think about where you could be if you didn't have them, but you will find that wherever you would have been wouldn't have compared to where you are now. You will watch them when they sleep (it's not creepy when they are your own children) and thank every thing that is holy for these precious gifts in your life. If you don't want to know the feeling of unconditional love then that is a sign that this mom thing is not for you.

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