Hey mama, we know you have your little secrets. We all do. Yeah, you might seem like you’re an open book. St least, that’s what your IG and FB profiles look like. But in reality you have a few private, hush-hush things that you’d rather no one ever knows about.
What kinds of secrets do us mommies keep? Well, there are the secrets from our kids. Come on, we can’t tell them everything. Okay, no one is saying you need to be completely dishonest when it comes to mom-ing. You want to treat your child with respect and lavish them with honesty. That is, until the zillionth time they want to watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer and you stealthily tell them that the TV cancelled it. Boo!
The kiddos aren’t the only ones that are on the “I had no idea” end of mommy’s secrets. There are probably plenty of other people who she leaves in the dark. There’s her S.O. (um, he really doesn’t need to know that she’s got a mommy crush on the kids’ soccer coach), her parents, the in-laws and maybe even her preschoolers teacher. Hmm. No one really needs to know that the reason she was 15 minutes late for pre-k pick-up was because she had a case of mommy brain and thought it was Thursday, and not Wednesday.
Sure, we all try to teach our kids the value of honesty. But that doesn’t mean we can’t keep a few teeny tiny little things private. Right? If you’ve got secrets, you aren’t alone. Check out the surprising secrets that most of us mamas keep – at least sometimes.
You know who we’re talking about. He looks like a Hemsworth, and you don’t even care about which one. On top of his just jumped off the screen looks, he’s also genuinely nice. He shows a total interest in your child. Whether he takes an extra 10 minutes to give your preschooler a few t-ball tips or he cheers your kiddo on as he runs down the field, you find yourself daydreaming about this hot, sweet, couldn’t be kinder dad.
Okay, so you might tell your BFF about your daddy crush. If she knows him, it’s likely she feels the same way. And yeah, you might sort of Facebook stock him (well, he does post photos of himself at the pool – without a shirt on) too.
Of course, there’s absolutely, positively no way your S.O. will ever know about your innocent infatuation. Keep in mind, this crush isn’t something you’d act on. No way. You’re head over heels for your honey. But, you still like to look. Right?
Dinner-time is done. The kids have had their baths, you’ve read “Goodnight Moon” 5,000 times and you’re ready to relax. This is about when you head down to your secret stash. Sure, the kids begged for ice cream after eating. But, you told them there was none. That was exactly true. Maybe there wasn’t any ice cream in the freezer – the one they know about that is. There does happen to be a pint of Ben and Jerry’s finest hanging out in the freezer section of the mini fridge you’ve had since your college days.
How do you keep this secret? You’ve got secret mama smarts. Obviously, the kids are going to look in the places they know. The fridge (and freezer) are in the kitchen. Of course. But they aren’t about to look in the laundry room, utility room or garage for a treat-keeping secret stash. And that’s exactly where you put those sugar-packed frosty desserts you don’t want anyone else to know about.
If you have to hear the “Whir, whir, whir, whir” of the toy firetruck siren one more time…well, you don’t really know what you’ll do. But, it won’t be good.
We’ve all been there. You’re going on hour nine of kid-centered playtime. Somehow every toy in your house lights up, buzzes, blinks, beeps, whirs, whirls or plays an amazingly insipid song that only a 2-year-old could love. Oh, and your 2-year-old does love it. So much so that she pushed that “play” button over and over and over and over again. That is, until you’re about to put yourself on a mommy timeout.
Hmm. Those battery-powered toys sure do suck. But what’s a mama to do? Um, lie. This isn’t a major lie. It’s a little lie, and it’s totally out of necessity. When your child turns her head, you sneak the batteries out and suddenly the toy stopes working. Whoops.
Yes, you are running the risk that your tot will tantrum out. But even that might be better than another hour of the disco-style lights that are coming from your kiddo’s play kitchen.
Nope. There are no potato chips here. It’s all green beans and peas. You would never eat a chip. For that matter, you would never eat a cookie, a cupcake, a sugar-coated sour gummy worm or anything else that generally falls under the “junk food” umbrella.
Really? No, not really. Yes, you tell your child this lie. Hey, it’s pretty much the only way she’ll ever eat anything that’s green. If she thought for one moment that you were a junk food maven, she’d all but give up on eating anything healthy – ever. She’s asking for a frosting-filled cookie cake and you’re answering, “No sweetie. We don’t have any junk food. We only have vegetables. So, here’s a carrot.”
And, guess what? Your kiddo takes the bait and eats the carrot. Yay! Fast-forward a half hour later and you’re hunched in the pantry shoving something covered in salty caramel goodness down your throat. Oh, and you didn’t eat your veggies.
“I only eat organic, non-GMO, pesticide-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, no high-fructose corn syrup foods. And I only feed my family these too.” Okay, we get it. Organic foods are good for you. They’re healthy and you totally want the best for your kids. And for yourself too.
But sometimes your best intentions kind of get left behind. Yeah, yeah, you should eat organic. And you do. Sometimes. Well, once in a while. Um, maybe it’s more like once. After all, you did eat a bite of that organic apple at the PTA parent breakfast. At least, you think it was organic. You sort of remember someone saying it was. Or maybe it wasn’t. Whatever, you ate an apple and that’s healthy. Right?
You don’t want to be the mom who doesn’t give a sh** about organic foods. So you lie. You aren’t alone. Yes, there are mamas who are super-picky when it goes to their food choices. But then there are the rest of us.
You will never, ever throw your pint-sized Picasso’s artwork out. It’s precious. She put her heart and soul into every single finger paint print and scribble. And it deserves to be memorialized for life.
That’s what you thought before you had kids. Or at least, that’s what you thought before your kids were old enough to accumulate the Mount Everest of art projects. Now that you have a basement filed with boxes of popsicle stick picture frames, scribbled on scrap papers, questionable clay mugs and cakey cracked paintings, you’re not so sure if keeping everything is wise. Your kiddo is only 3-years-old and you’re already running out of room. Now what?
Well, you could keep on keeping. Or you could take a few pics of the artwork and then toss it in the trash. Of course, your child will never know. Your story is that you’ve squirreled away absolutely everything. Yep. That’s your story, and you’re sticking to it.
Those magical six weeks are up and the OB gives you the okay to get back in the sack. Um, wait. Your S.O. wants to do what, where? No way. Okay, so it’s absolutely not a secret that most mamas are scared AF at the thought of getting romantic after having baby. Hey, you just pushed a watermelon-sized human out of your hoo-ha. And you’re not exactly thrilled about anything going near it now or in the near future.
So where’s the secret here? It’s in all of the other reasons why mamas don’t want to get busy after baby. There’s basically a buffet of reasons, and many moms won’t share them with anyone. Except maybe for their mommy BFFs. Some of those sort of secretive reasons include not wanting to get pregnant again (hey, it could happen – and then you’d have two babies less than a year apart) and just not feeling “it” towards that baby-daddy of yours. Yes, you love him. But you’re tired, haven’t showered in a week, are covered in some sort of baby goo and are kind of annoyed that he hasn’t gotten up to change the baby’s diaper at all in the past week.
Naptime is sleep time. Right? That’s what all the baby blogs and books say. When baby sleeps, mama should sleep too. Along with all the baby experts, your own mom, MIL and other mommy friends told you that naptime mommy naps were total must-do’s. And you totally take that advice. Um, that’s what you say. But your little secret is that you don’t.
You did sleep when baby slept. At first. It seemed like an okay idea. So you curled up on the floor near baby’s crib whenever she rested. After some time went by you realized something – when baby sleeps, it’s me-time! That’s right. You can eat a meal. A real meal. You can have a bowl of ice cream, make a pot of coffee (and actually drink it), take a shower, take a bath, shop online or do anything else you want to. Heck, you can paint your nails if that’s what you want to do with the half hour off that naptime provides.
Okay, so we’ve been through your little dad-crush secret. We know, we know – you’re crushing all over the hot soccer coach. Yeah, so is every other mama. But, you have more of a secret than that. You’ve been flirting, and not with your S.O.
No one is saying you’re an all-out adulterer. Nope. You’d never go as far as getting physical. Well, some mamas might. Get physical that is. According to a study from Indiana University, 19% of women cheat on their spouses. So it’s entirely possible that your secret is that you’re in that 19%. But it’s more likely that your secret is that you flirt.
Is flirting cheating? Some spouses may think so. It depends on your views and values. But if you’re chatting up your kiddo’s tennis instructor and have suddenly started wearing make-up (and something other than sweats) when you drop her off at lessons, chances are you in some way feel like you’re crossing the line. And that’s why you keep your so-called innocent flirting a secret.
Here’s a secret that just about every mama has – you don’t know the ‘right’ answer. Even the mommies who act like they’ve got this whole parenting thing under control feel this way too.
Come on, you know her. We all have that ‘friend’. She’s perfect. She’s June Cleaver on steroids. Her toddler never tantrummed. Her baby never cried. And her preschooler is always well-dressed, has both shoes on and never, ever forgets toc lean up his toys. Oh yeah, and shares too – willingly shares. She claims that her kids’ total radness has everything to do with her parenting prowess. She’s on top of the latest, greatest parenting tactics and she uses them to perfection.
And then she goes home. When she’s out of the parenting spotlight she’s a hot mess. She never knows the right answer. Or, at the very least, she always second-guesses herself. That’s okay. Every mom does. When it comes down to it, the biggest secret of motherhood might just be that none of us know the right answer. Ever.
“I can’t even remember what life was like before I became a mommy. It was just so…so, lacking.” How many times have you heard this from a mommy friend? They act like life wasn’t even worth living in those B.B. (before baby) days. They talk about their babies, and that’s it. It’s like the decades before baby entered the world were meaningless.
You totally feel the same way. Hmm. Well, that’s what you’re saying anyway. The secret is that you don’t. You love your baby. But you also miss those pre-baby days. Sometimes you find yourself daydreaming about going out for margaritas with the girls, and not having to find a sitter. And sometimes you fantasize about going shopping, without having to spend 45 minutes packing a diaper bag. You wouldn’t trade being a mommy for anything. But sometimes you really, truly miss those before baby days.
You always give your child choices. Always. You do whatever the latest parenting method is, exactly. You talk to your child on her level, never lose your cool and do everything you’re supposed to do. Hey, you would never, ever, ever, ever yell at your child. That’s just not what patents are supposed to do.
Okay, so you know what not to do. And you totally understand why. And you know what you’re supposed to do. Again, you understand why. But you aren’t always one to follow THE parenting techniques of the time. Does that mean you’re a bad mom? No way. Just because you still use time-outs, even though someone said they were out of fashion, doesn’t make you a horrible, terrible parent.
So you lie about what parenting practices you use? That’s really no one’s business. Unless you’re harming your child, your secret is yours to keep. Right?
You can’t stand those judgy moms. They’re so…so, not right. How dare they go around thinking they know best or that they’re better than everyone else. After all, what do they really know? Um, look who’s judging now. That’s right. By judging those judgy moms you’re just as much of a shamer as they are.
Maybe you don’t even judge those judgy moms. But you do judge someone. Right? We know, your secret is that you’re a closet mom shamer. You don’t outright let loose on social media or anything like that. You keep your thoughts to yourself. And maybe to those other mommies in playgroup.
You emphatically put down moms who judge others. You say how wrong it is to shame someone else’s parenting prowess. But you just can’t help doing it yourself.
Hey, we’re not talking about “The Hunger Games” here. Everyone has read those books and seen those movies. Even though they may be YA fiction, older adults certainly made up their fair share of the obsessed.
The secret here lies in when we watch those TV shows and movies that are definitely made for only teenagers. You know the ones. Basically, it’s anything that makes you feel like a grandma when you’re watching it. The actors look young enough to be your children and you sort of have no idea what they’re talking about half the time.
It may seem like just yesterday that “90210” was all the rage. But, it’s been a seriously long time since Brandon and Brenda ruled the school. So you probably don’t want to share your new teen show obsession with anyone. Yeah, the other mamas are also living the teen intrigue and over the top drama. But we’re all claiming to watch those grown-up shows instead.
“Ugh. They’re so awful! I mean, who actually watches them? Who cares?” Yep, that’s what you say when anyone asks you about the Kardashian and Jenner clan. But what you really mean is, “I absolutely can’t stop watching them. I’m obsessed. I hang on every word each and every one of them says and I spend all of my free time googling what they’re doing.”
We know your secret – you’re a closet fan of Kim, Kourt, Khloe, Kris, Kylie and…um, what was that other one’s name? Oh, don’t pretend that you don’t know it’s Kendall. You’re all about the Kardashian-Jenners, but you’ll never tell anyone. Yeah, you follow them on Instagram, watch their reality show and even buy their products.
Hey, it’s okay. You’ve got so much going on right now, sometimes you need a little mental break. And catching up on Kourtney and Scott’s latest break-up drama will do the trick. When the baby’s asleep, your toddlers at daycare and your kindergartner is out at school, you turn on the TV and watch every on-demand episode of their show that you can.