If first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage, then every bridezilla will soon have a new title — pregzilla.
A pregzilla takes things to the extreme. She is a perfectionist, which can be great, but it also guarantees that the pregnancy announcement and gender reveal will be over the top. She thinks the world revolves around her and her pregnancy, and that means anyone at the office has to steer clear of her food aversions so she can always avoid a whiff.
She has her baby registry assigned, and if things veer off her expectations, the rage is released. Her nesting phase will be a nightmare, especially for her poor partner. And if a friend ever invites her to dinner, she will give a list of dos and don'ts for the menu.
On the positive end, a pregzilla knows what she wants and that usually coincides with what is best for the baby. On the negative end, if she doesn't get it, she will make everyone miserable. She'll drive the doctor and nurses to distraction all throughout the pregnancy, and when it becomes time to give birth, she'll have a detailed, probably unrealistic plan that may end up leaving her feeling disappointed in herself.
The nine months of pregnancy can be difficult to say the list. Here are 15 things all pregzillas do.
15 There's An App For That
A pregzilla can be marked by the number of pregnancy apps on her phone. She checks them daily, maybe even before she gets out of bed — unless of course she has to rush to throw up.
She knows exactly how big baby is each day, and she can compare that to fruit. She knows what body part is developing and what she needs to eat to make sure that it goes OK. You better believe she's reading ahead in the baby books because a pregzilla doesn't like to be surprised. She has to create a plan to deal with the next round of symptoms.
A pregzilla will study and research until she is an expert in pregnancy, and then she will learn all she can about delivery before moving on to newborns. She may take a class at the hospital, but you can spot the pregzilla in the front row because she is always the one with her hand raised answering the questions even before they are asked.
14 Strict Diet
If you ever go out with a pregzilla before she has announced her pregnancy, you'll definitely be able to guess by what she orders at a restaurant. She'll definitely skip the wine, but she will also question the waiter about every appetizer and entree before she orders.
She will skip anything with cheese, with the exception of cheddar. She'll make sure everything is cooked well done. And if you watch her reactions, you may even be able to tell which food aversions she is having. She may even skip the chocolate cake because chocolate has caffeine in it.
While every mom should be careful about their diet during pregnancy, a pregzilla is especially touchy about the subject. She may bring her own food to a barbecue because she doesn't want to risk it being undercooked, and even though the baby books say something may be OK in small amounts, she isn't willing to risk it. She's going to follow a pregnancy diet as if it is the law.
13 Pack The Purse
If you are ever in the need of an emergency supply, check with a Pregzilla first. Her controlling nature means that she is ready for every occasion. She has an emergency barf bag and probably a toothbrush and toothpaste to take care of the after effects. She buys breath mints in bulk.
She's also got a stash of breakfast bars to help when she's hungry, and a tumbler full of water stashed away because she knows all about the importance of hydration. And she's also got extra panty liners in case of extra discharge. She's even got bandages ready even though her little one won't need them for some time.
A pregzilla's emergency supplies are all packed away in organized fashion so she can find it at a moment's notice. She will never be caught unprepared. She knows what she needs and she isn't going to be stopped from taking control of a situation.
12 Plan The Perfect Announcement
If a mom-to-be follows the general train of thought of waiting until after the first trimester is over to announce her pregnancy, she generally has a couple of months to plan the perfect announcement — longer if she was trying to get pregnant for a while.
A pregzilla will take every moment to make sure she has the perfect picture or video. She'll glean through Pinterest and set the scene, direct the photographer and edit it all together. She'll wait for the perfect moment, and if her announcement is upstaged, she'll be devastated.
This is her moment to shine long before baby steals the spotlight, so she will make sure it is perfect. The pregnancy announcement is the first time the pregzilla will become public, so that means you better heap praise and congratulations.
11 Bump Posts
Once the announcement is out, the friends of a pregzilla will know all about every pregnancy moment, even if they live far away. That's because social media is the pregzilla's favorite method of communication. She'll manage multiple accounts if she has to, and she's probably started a blog.
The highlight of each week will be the bump post. The pregzilla will have the perfect spot set, and she will decorate the background as much as she can. She's a perfectionist, and she knows that she wants to line up the images in the end to see how she's grown, so the pictures have to be just so. She'll probably snap a few dozen bump selfies before she creates the perfect one, and that means it will be a bit of an ordeal. You will know that her due date is on a Tuesday because she will post faithfully every Tuesday like clockwork.
And there will be a few #TBT or #FBF to pre-pregnancy pictures, just so you are sure to know the difference. Keeping up with a pregzilla is easy when the bump selfies act as a countdown to 40 weeks.
10 Drive The Doctor Crazy
While a pregzilla knows all about the strange symptoms of pregnancy, that doesn't mean that she will be calm when she encounters them. She question every hint of bleeding, even implantation bleeding, and take notes on the foods that cause her to vomit with plans to share that at the next doctor's appointment.
While she worries about the heartburn, she'll study the ultrasound image and try to investigate every strange sensation from round ligament pain to sore, lumpy breasts. She'll ask a barrage of questions about every test from the glucose screening to chorionic villus screening and amniocentesis.
At the end of the pregnancy, she'll call the doctor or head to the emergency room with every bout of Braxton Hicks, and she'll drive the doctor to distraction with her anxiety.
9 Hormonal Headcase
A pregzilla is usually already bent toward a little bit of craziness — she proved that when she was a bridezilla. But now that she is pregnant, there are hormones coursing through her body that take everything to the next level.
She used to get upset about every detail of her wedding, but now that anger has manifested into an uncontrolled rage thanks to the hormones. And it doesn't have a singular purpose. If things aren't working out on the project at work, she will unleash on her underlings. If she doesn't like the service at the restaurant, she will seethe. But the rage can be better than the other extreme, when her hormones leave her feeling devastated and unleash a torrent of tears.
It's hard for any woman to get through the hormonal period of pregnancy, but many try their best to keep things under control. A pregzilla, though, wants everyone to know exactly how she feels. Keeping her happy can be tricky when her hormones get the best of her.
8 Pinning Passion
A pregzilla is a planner, and pregnancy is a nine-month period that allows for lots of research and planning before baby arrives. Back in the day, that meant oodles of scrapbooks filled with cutouts from magazines. These days, it means Pinterest.
A pregzilla spends hours pinning ideas for the nursery and her favorite possibilities for the newborn photo shoot. She has been perfecting her boards and organizing everything by gender and color scheme. She scours her favorite sites for the right look and feel, and she has even started pinning preschool activities and perfect family vacations.
She has high standards and is willing to craft to get what she wants, so Pinterest is her favorite activity, and she might be a bit obsessed with the perfect initial wall hanging and finding the perfect vintage-meets modern bassinet. She'll pin until she gets it perfect or the water breaks, whichever comes first.
7 Suffer Gender Disappointment
OK, not all pregzillas will suffer gender disappointment, but since the baby has a 50-50 chance of not meeting with the mom-to-be's expectations, there is a pretty big chance that she will.
No matter if she admits it or not, pregzillas do have a preference. They've dreamed about their firstborn and envisioned dressing up a girl in frilly dresses or watching their little boy hit a homerun. They may want a healthy baby, yes, but they also have a plan.
The baby's gender is one thing that a pregzilla can't control. Actually, there are a bunch of things that she can't control, but this may be the first foray into the uncontrollable parts of motherhood. That first disappointment can be a wallop for a pregzilla, and it may sting for a bit. But the good thing about a pregzilla is that she knows she can control her reaction, and she is usually pretty good about bouncing back.
6 Assign The Baby Registry
A pregzilla does her research into all the latest and greatest pregnancy gear, and that means her baby registry isn't just a list of suggestions. It's serious business. In fact, a pregzilla often goes beyond the registry and tells every person which item they should purchase. Grandma can take care of the crib, and her sisters can go in together to get the stroller.
This list is specific, and a pregzilla will not be satisfied with an orange bottle brush when she wanted a green one. She put exactly how many pacifiers she wanted on that list, so don't think that you should add an extra if all the others have been purchased.
Many friends and family can't resist buying a cute outfit for the little one, but they shouldn't stray too far from the list. And if they do, they better include a gift receipt so she can exchange the item and get what she really wants.
And a warning to the woman who offers to host a pregzilla's baby shower: get ready for her to micromanage it. It has to be perfect, you know.
5 Nesting Nightmare
When the nesting instinct sets in, a pregzilla will go into overdrive. She'll scrub the baseboards every other day, and vacuum the rug at least twice a day. She will go beyond sweeping the cobwebs out of the corners and instead run a floor polisher and take a toothbrush to the grout.
She has been planning the nursery for months, but in the last few weeks of pregnancy she'll rearrange the furniture a few times and she'll wash and fold every item of clothing at least three times.
A pregzilla takes her loved ones along with her in her nesting nightmare, so she may very well be bugging her friends for help in rearranging her cabinets and cleaning out the gutters.
4 Count The Kicks
A pregzilla doesn't need to be told to count kicks; she started that from the moment she felt the first one. While many doctors will never bring up counting kicks, it is common for high-risk pregnancies so mom's can figure out if baby is in distress. The counts can give an idea when baby is active and if no kicks are counted in a while, it could be a cause for concern.
Moms-to-be, including pregzillas, need to be aware that babies do sleep while in the womb, so it is common to feel no movement for a time. If a mom is worried, she can drink a sugary drink and that usually wakes the baby up. Sometimes physical activity from mom also gets the baby up and going.
More than one mom has rushed to the doctor's office because of a concern when the kick count is low, and many times pregzillas are the first to raise alarm bells. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It could save the baby, but it could also cause a lot of unnecessary worry.
3 Overpack For The Hospital
When a mom goes to the hospital for labor, all she really needs is a set of clothes to go home in and maybe a toothbrush and her makeup. Everything else is already on hand, from soap and shampoo to diapers and even a onesie and blanket for the baby.
Of course, most moms would prefer to have a few more comfort items, maybe a couple pairs of fuzzy socks, her own toiletries and a special outfit for the baby to come home in. All that can fit in one small carry-on, but the pregzilla has a lot more in mind.
She feels the need to have everything close in case she has a desire for a special barrette, her head pillow plus the breastfeeding pillow, a couple of options for the going home outfit for mom as well as for baby, since mom and baby should probably match for the occasion. She will stuff the car trunk will special supplies. Just like the emergency supplies in her purse, she'll be ready for anything.
2 Master Birth Planner
A pregzilla has been planning labor and delivery for months, and she has everything planned out. She's going to call her mother and her sister as soon as she feels the first contraction. Then she's going to walk in the park and take a shower and shave her legs before she heads to the hospital in a full head of makeup.
She will refuse any pain medication and after a few hours she will push her baby into the world without a problem. That's the plan at least.
In reality, a pregzilla can't tolerate pain, and she will wind up in the fetal position before her contractions are regular. She will yell at the doctor to get the epidural in, stat, and she'll make the nurses miserable with demands for ice chips and dilation checks. If she does power through, she will make sure that everyone knows how amazing she is for surviving a natural labor, but if she can't make it, she will end up with a birth disappointment that will last for weeks.
1 Sanitizer Queen
If a pregzilla has managed to keep her friends though her pregnancy, she will put them to work during her recovery. She will have a schedule for people to bring food for the family that will last for months, and she will send that out along with a detailed list of restrictions. She can't have beans because she doesn't want the baby to get gassy, and she will pick out any broccoli that touches her plate.
She has to keep up her breastmilk supply, so she wants meals packed with lean protein such as salmon and cottage cheese along with healthy carbs like brown rice and quinoa. After all, she wants to start shedding those pregnancy pounds while keeping her strength up.
The schedule will also restrict her baby's interaction with germs, although her friends will get in return a heaping helping of hand sanitizer. Although, if she hears a sniffle or a cough, she will not allow a snuggle. But she will probably put you to work on the laundry on the dishes.
A pregzilla can turn into a tiger mom in 15 seconds flat, so pretty soon she will tackle motherhood with a vengeance.