You barely know what’s going on in your mind in the delivery room – it’s hard to imagine what’s going on in his. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending upon how cute you think his obnoxious remarks are), he is probably going to unveil the mystery during labor by saying the things he shouldn’t.
For those women with unexpressive men or for the few things men leave unsaid, let’s explore that new father’s mind to hear the funny, irritating, and cute things going on in there. Welcome to dad’s delivery room thoughts.
14 “It really can’t hurt that bad.”
Huh, it seems we’ve started off with an irritating one. No, you’re right; I twist and scream like this because I want our little girl to come out a trained cheer captain.
Men often underestimate the physical agony that comes with delivering a baby -- I don’t know how they watch a baby climb out of a vagina and underestimate anything, but somehow, they pull it off. Labor and delivery are scientifically compared to simultaneously fracturing 20 bones. Is there a better argument for writhing and screaming as much as you damn well please? I didn’t think so.
And, speaking of screaming…
13 “Why is she yelling so much?”
This is supposed to be a beautiful moment and it’s being drowned out with all of this screaming. How could you?
If he thought he was sick of listening to her nagging voice before, he’s going to really get a kick out of this. The delivery is filled with pain-filled yells, encouraging screams, and joyful exclamations. And daddy is sick of listening to all of that shrill noise. Do you feel bad? Me either.
12 “Here comes baby and there goes sex.”
“I hate to ruin the moment, but is sex even going to be possible after all that?” Keep talking and it probably won’t be.
This thought is one of the only ones that is arguably universal among all new dads. We’re giving life, but it looks a lot like death down there. Dads can’t stand in the delivery room and watch babies wreak havoc on their mothers’ bodies without dreadfully wondering whether sex will be the same again, if at all.
11 “Is she pooping? Why is she pooping?”
Not to be crude, but aren’t we to get a baby out?
Delivering a child is a complicated, powerful, and full-body experience. And it’s not really a stretch, dad, to understand how pushing a baby out could result in also pushing out something less cute. Pooping during labor and delivery is a normal experience endured by most mothers. Many men can’t even fathom that women poop at all, so this thought isn’t exactly earth-shattering.
10 “Can I go home? Just call me when we start seeing some baby.”
You don’t need me to tell you that labor can be lengthy. Dads, though, aren’t occupied by continuous contractions and unprecedented pain. Poor things.
Other than driving a very hectic car to the hospital, men are generally uninvolved while you’re working in the trenches. They can only watch, without seeing much progress. And you know men; they like to see physical progress. Some try to be supportive and engaged, but most often finally succumb to thinking they’d rather wait on the couch.
9 “Can we just reach in and grab him?”
Ah, a man of action. How bold and daring! He’s grown weary of all this hoopla over carefully pushing out the baby and waiting for the baby to be ready – let him pull it out already!
I think I can speak for most men when I say that they do understand the delicacy of childbirth and the importance of timing. But I can also speak for their impatience and desire for results – both of which make them want to hold that baby now!
As is probably common in your life, you’ll have to encourage patience in the delivery room. It seems reasonable for you to have to calm him down, right?
8 “Wow, I’m hungry. Is it inappropriate to eat?”
Your belly might be ready to have less in it, but his stomach isn’t. Just try to imagine those piercing hunger pains burdening him during your labor!
All jokes aside, of course the hunger is real; his body is brimming with adrenaline and you’ve been there for hours. So, don’t be shocked or horrified when he slyly mentions room service or a drive thru. You might as well give him your order and let him go!
7 “I shouldn’t have given her my good hand.”
As some point, your man might have thought you didn’t know what vice grips were. Well, he’ll find out otherwise in the delivery room.
It makes sense – an incredible amount of strength goes into delivering a baby; of course your paralyzing grip is full force! Men are known for comically weak moments (squealing over spiders, running from needles…), and this is one of those enjoyable moments.
6 “Wow, this cot is uncomfortable.”
It isn’t exactly a secret that your man is probably uncomfortable trying to sleep in his cot or chair. Either he keeps bringing it up, or you can tell just by seeing him all folded up over there.
There are those few, valiant men, however, who mask their discomfort in compassion and care for you during this rough time. They smile at you through their crinkled up knees, hoping you feel well and trying to be the best companion he can. But don’t be fooled – his feet are asleep and he can’t wait to get home to his bed.
5 “Does EVERYONE need to see my wife naked?”
Sure, he recognizes the necessity of the doctors and nurses to safely delivering his baby, but he’s fed up with everyone peering at his woman.
Everything about this seems intensely intimate, yet we have half of the hospital blowing in here just to gaze up her robe! There is a – potentially sexy – moment when he wants to declare that you’re his, and he’ll be the only one looking from here on out. For the safety and health of the baby, he keeps himself from clocking the doctor.
4 “And…I’m suddenly squeamish.”
He can handle pulling teeth, jammed fingers, and hunting deer, but something about this whole giving birth thing sends his stomach for an embarrassing turn.
You still look lovely to him, and he’s in awe of how magnificent this process is, but he can’t deny (although he might to you) that what’s going on down there makes his knees quiver. Buy hey, that’s all you’ve ever wanted right? For him to look at you and just quiver? Nailed it.
3 “We’re never doing this again.”
It’s a moot point to talk about how remarkably exhausted new mothers are during and after birth, so let’s focus on someone else in the room that’s had a tough night.
Other than enduring constant adrenaline and anxiety (and that damn cot), it’s not his body that’s exhausted – it’s his mind. How emotionally weary he becomes after enduring this long, wild journey! He fears for you, he worries about the baby, and the whole event really taxes him! It’s no wonder why he reaches a point where he doesn’t think your little family can go through this again. Being in the game is challenging, but so is watching and biting your nails on the sideline.
2 “But really, how long is this all going to take?”
I don’t mean to be cocky, but I’ve just about had my fill of this! The tests, the back and forth, baby’s ready, now he’s not – come on!
At some point in your relationship, he might have said he isn’t ready for children, but boy is he ready now! The impatience can be overwhelming as he waits for something so extraordinary to happen. On top of his excitement and giddiness is anxiety and fear that anything might go wrong – all of which fuel the urge to get that baby out himself!
1 “This is beautiful.”
Ah, the moment when the chaos stops, sound is silent, and you’re looking at a tiny, healthy baby. Everything in your lives comes together in this moment, when you become more connected to a human being and one another than ever imaginable.
Probably with tears in his eyes, he thinks he has experienced life’s greatest beauty, and he just can’t put it into words. But who could?
1. “Holy fatherhood.”
Suddenly, the reality of his responsibility for his new child sweeps over him, and he feels a little enlivened and a lot terrified. How could he ever be the father she deserves? How can he protect her, raise her, and love her how he dreamt he would? Well, with your help, of course!
All of these thoughts, emotions, fears, and anxieties are a normal part of the childbirth process for the man standing, waiting for his child and his partner to pull off a miracle.