When I was pregnant with my first child, I was so excited to be a mom! I literally couldn't wait. I didn't find out until I was 8 weeks along, so I was able to fast forward, but seven months was still such a long time to wait! I also couldn't wait to get over the horrible "all day" sickness. I worked retail at the time. My supervisors knew when I went running, they had to take over my register. I could never make it on time and ended up vomiting all over the toilet. So then I had to do a thorough cleaning of a public toilet. That was only the introduction to the absolutely disgusting world of parenting.
My son came out of me peeing. The pediatrician was covered in his urine. He was only a few days old and he projectile vomited. My daughter refused to keep a diaper on and also refused to potty train for another couple of years. She had a rough case of reflux as an infant, which meant more vomit. Always with the baby puke! She was also on a special formula made to a higher calorie count, which lead to some tummy issues. The ooey gooey fun starts early and doesn't end.
Both of my children are in school this year, which means exposure to all of those wonderful germs that equals our entire family down with a stomach bug soon. Not to mention the colds and flus that like to make the rounds and hang around for months it seems. The grossness literally never ends. It is just one gross mess after another. But witnessing these little babies grow into responsible young adults makes all the not so fun parts of parenting all worth it!
15 Pregnancy And Birth
Pregnancy and childbirth are beautiful and glorious. Any woman blessed enough to experience them will tell you how amazing it is. But it is also gross. First of all is the morning sickness. For me it didn't end until almost the third trimester. The tears. I cried over everything. While tears are not gross by any means it does get messy sometimes. Kleenex anyone? Once the hormonal crying and vomiting comes to an end, next comes the bladder pressure. I was blessed to not pee my pants... too much. It tended to happen when I least expected it to. Like an unexpected sneeze.
Childbirth usually starts with the loss of the mucus plug. That was terrifying! I went straight into Labor and Delivery and they sent me right home. I had to be induced due to pre-eclampsia. My feet were so swollen they looked like they belonged on an elephant. I had an emergency c-section after three days of failed induction. The bowel care afterwords was so wonderful and horribly gross. Little did I know it was just the beginning of the gross fun I had in store for me and my parenting journey.
14 All The Poop
Many pregnant women have a personal problem with their bowels. Constipation is very common, and can be severe. With the pressure of later pregnancy, when Mama has to go she has to go, which can lead to accidents. Then there is child birth, and most of us will poop while pushing. Once the baby is born, they take it to another level. Babies will blow out, and at the worst possible time. Usually in the car or grocery store when you don't have a change of clothes for them.
As the babies grow into toddlers, they find their curiosity. My friend and I call them "poop parties" when they discover their diaper and find great fun in painting with their feces. That is never ever fun to clean up. Potty training is a whole other ball game. Rest assured, no matter what poop mess, a mom somewhere has cleaned up the same mess, and cried the same tears.
13 All The Pee
I am 13 years postpartum and continue to have bladder issues. Once a mom has carried a pregnancy to term, there is no going back to the time in which she didn't have to cross her legs when she sneezes. It seems as if all babies do after they are born is eat, sleep, and go through as many diapers as possible. Baby boys especially seem to enjoy peeing as soon as the diaper is open and they are exposed. It doesn't take long before mom and dad experience this enough that they decide to get prepared. They develop a system to avoid pee going in their face and having to change their shirt with every diaper change.
Prior to potty training, my daughter refused to keep a diaper on. We went through three pack and plays and my carpet is permanently damaged. We had to cut the feet off from footie pajamas and put them on her backwards. She dressed like that for a good year before she was ready to potty train. So much pee. I'm traumatized.
12 So Much Food Everywhere
In pregnancy, it is weird cravings, like the famed pickles and ice cream combo, that are the grossest. Once baby is here, no matter how they are fed, there is some level of grossness to it. If they are nursed, mom's boobs can leak and stain their shirts. "Yes Helen, I am lactating. Thank you for noticing." With bottle feeding everything has to be hauled around with the baby. Hopefully they don't throw the bottle under the carseat. Those old lost bottles can stink up a car worse than a diaper blow out.
Come six months old, baby can start eating food. Which is more like playing with food rather than eating it. The first couple of months it is cute when they get rice cereal in their hair. But when they are three and manage to get spaghetti everywhere, it is a different story. Food mess is never ending. Even teenagers can wipe their nasty hands all over the armrest of the couch and pretend it never happened. I never thought I'd have to remind someone the same thing three times a day for thirteen years and still not have the message sink in. Please take a napkin, don't eat in the living room. Did I mention the food mess is never ending?
11 Nasty Vomit
Not much is worse than sick kids. It is such a helpless feeling because I would do anything to take it away from them and to have them running around like fools and driving me crazy again. It breaks my heart every single time. But I have to admit it. I am a horrible mother when it comes to my kids having a stomach virus that causes them to vomit. Just the sound of a sick person in action makes my stomach heave. My instinct is to run and hide, but then my kids would be stuck with their own sick and I'm not that bad of a mom. Most of the time I take a garbage bag and throw everything out right away, which I hate because it is so wasteful. If I don't pitch it, it goes straight to the washer. Then I pull out the lysol.
When they were younger, my kids almost never made it to the toilet or puke bucket. They'd just roll over and upchuck. No matter how prepared I was, it was never enough. Puke is hard to contain. Especially in the car. At some point in their lives kids will vomit in the car. We are not supposed to wash carseat straps. Even when they are covered in puke. So I scrub and scrub and wash what I can. Just know this. At some point in our mothering career, we will have caught vomit in our bare hands.
10 Constant Snot
Babies tend to get snotty when they begin teething. It isn't a big deal at all. But their first colds can be another story and heartbreaking. Snot can literally pour out of their nose, and just get everywhere. Of course baby throws a fit anytime Mom comes near them with a baby wipe to clean them up. Once they learn to walk, it can literally become a game of chase. Meanwhile, there's snot dripping everywhere. Including their mouth. Eww! When they are little enough those bulb syringe things, aka snot suckers, come in so handy. Good luck when they become mobile though.
Snot is right up there with vomit on my personal gag factor. When it is from my little one though, it is amazing the lengths I will go through to make sure she's taken care of, boogers and all. Anyone else? Forget about it. No way!
9 Endless Teething
There is little worse than a teething baby. The pain and discomfort keep baby awake and super crabby. Which leads to tears and snot, both from the baby and you. General mucus tends to ramp up a lot during the teething period. Which can also mean stinky diarrhea and extreme blow outs. Not to mention the drooling. This is the time of wet everything. Wet babies, wet toys, wet clothes. Everything they touch goes into their mouth. Which means cellphones and remote controls are now teething toys and drooled on. Even the end tables and crib will end up with little teeth marks.
Best advice I can give is to give the baby lots of safe items to chew on. A wet frozen washcloth works wonders, but only adds to the wet mess. Make sure to have a lot of absorbent bibs and onesies on hand. Diaper rash cream will be a necessity as well. Be prepared for a lot of sleepless nights and even more laundry.
8 Rough Rashes
There are a variety of conditions and reactions that produce a rash in babies and children. Any rash they break out in turns into a guessing game. Do they need to see the pediatrician? Is it contagious? Are they going to get sick? Is it a reaction to something? If we are lucky it isn't oozing or contagious. But unless it is eczema, prickly heat, an allergic reaction or diaper rash chances are there will be a contagion of some sort.
When in doubt, call the pediatrician. They will determine if the little one needs to be seen or any extra level of care parents should provide, and lists of what to avoid. Most commonly, babies and toddlers can break out in a rash after they contract a virus. Viruses do not respond to antibiotics and in most cases will resolve on their own. Moms and Dads need to keep an eye on their kiddo's symptoms and cover any contagious rashes. Unless the whole family would enjoy a wonderful case of ringworm.
7 Potty Training
Potty training isn't for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. Teaching a toddler how to use the toilet is hard and something I dreaded with both of my kids. Parents can expect pee everywhere for a good few days. And meltdowns when it is time to poop in the potty. It can be very scary for some kids, and if the experience is traumatic, they can hold their bowels. This can lead to a lot of issues for them that can last years.
There are so many different approaches a parent can take when it comes to potty training their toddler. Slow introduction to the potty, reward charts, letting the child pick out their own big kid undies. Don't worry. No matter what option is chosen, toddlers will revolt. And there will be poop involved. Or they will try to hand Mom the potty chair bowl full of pee and then drop it. Time to stock up on more Lysol.
6 Boo Boos
My son didn't fit the usual stereotype. He wasn't rough and he didn't really enjoy wrestling too much. He was cautious and wanted to figure out how everything worked, and do it all on his own before doing anything that carried a risk of injury. Once he learned all about it and faced his initial fear, there was so stopping him. My daughter on the other hand just goes for it with no thought about consequences. She's had way more injuries than her brother.
Boo boos can range from calling 911 horrible, to a teeny-tiny scrape that doesn't need any attention at all but we still bandage and kiss better. There will be blood. Toes and fingers bleed very easily so it might look horrible but it is just a small wound. Severity of the boo boo cannot be assessed by the kids reaction either. My daughter will cry over a scrape that healed two days ago but be perfectly calm as blood is gushing down her leg after she fell off her scooter. Also, remember once those owies start to heal there will be scabs. Kids like to pick scabs.
5 Here Comes Puberty
Between the potty training, constant booboos and horrible food messes, there seems to be a sweet spot. It is when the kids start to become a bit more independent, can follow the rules and listen relatively well. Cherish this time with all that you have. Because before a mom can even blink her eyes her little precious baby is going through puberty. It is like a monster wakes up inside our children that tells them to be defiant punks who refuse to shower. Now don't get me wrong, I love my children with all of my heart. But right around the beginning of puberty was rough.
Puberty is gross because hormones are waking up and switching all sorts of "on" buttons. New smells start to come from their bodies. Their hair and face get greasy and they begin to break out. Girls might start growing hair in their underarms and legs, which means they may want to shave. Boys tend to have a bit more time in that department. As moms we get the fun job of re-educating our children on proper bathing habits and hygiene. A lot of kids rebel. And then luck be with you.
4 Mom's Car
No matter how hard I try, my car is never clean. Two weeks ago my daughter went too fast on the tire swing at the park and vomited in the back of my car. Thankfully, we were prepared for going to the beach so I had towels and a change of clothes. Not only freak and nasty episodes such as that, just everyday running creates such a mess. There are toys and phone chargers, not to mention sodas, bottles and sippy cups.
We live in a rural area, and have to drive a good forty minutes to get to the nearest WalMart. We usually have to eat while running errands and it is so much easier to eat in the car on the way. More mess. No matter what, there is a forgotten Happy Meal milk or sippy cup left under the seat. About three days later I will get a good whiff of nasty dairy and it takes forever for the scent to dissipate. I can clean the car every other day and it just gets nasty never the less.
3 Messy Pets
Pets are an amazing addition to any family. We have two dogs and we love them so much. But they do add a lot of work and mess to our home as well. Potty training our newest dog was not very fun. He is a boxer/pit mix and afraid of everything. He was afraid of wet grass and shadows. He had a lot of messes in the house the first few months. He has grown up well though, and no more messes! We also have an elderly pug named Bella. She's amazing! But she has problems with her teeth and drools a lot. It stinks! She also has breathing problems and coughs a lot.
Pets also like to chew on the kids toys and sneak their food which means upset dog stomach. Dogs vomit too! We had cats when I was growing up and they ate our plants and never quite made it to the litter box. Pets are just as gross as kids can be.
2 Getting Caught In The Act
Prior to becoming parents, we could have sex anywhere and everywhere. Then comes baby and we have to recover from child birth and be careful to not wake up the baby. But our sex lives can resume pretty much back to normal after the healing period. But then babies grow to toddlers, and toddlers grow to children, and children grow to teenagers. No matter how quiet we try to be, there will be a time in which our children catch us in the act of love making!
What did they see? What do we do? What do we say? We don't want to shame the act, but we don't want to explain to our little one what exactly was going on. It is just a horribly uncomfortable situation that we will never handle as well as we want and pray that we don't screw them up forever!
1 Bathroom Fun
As a mom, there will never again be a moment of silence or peace when using the bathroom. Even if Mom locks the door, there will be knocks at the door, screaming and little fingers wiggling under the door. Unfortunately, we don't have a lock on our door, and my daughter hasn't gotten the memo that I am allowed to do things, such as go potty, without an audience. The dogs even join her as she barges in.
Showers? Forget it! It is a quick in and out situation to prevent humiliation of the naked variety. As I'm washing, I get to hear a little one sing her ABC's or talk about her current experience on the toilet. It is cute how innocent she is; she just wants to share her day and life with her Mama. But darn it, time to learn the value of privacy. It is wonderful to come out of the shower and have to flush someone else's poop. And by wonderful, I mean gross.