All moms believe kids are precious little balls of squishiness, or they wouldn’t have had them. Some of the time, kids are absolute angels and we get that swelling in the chest, that thing (I think it’s called love and pride) that tells us how lucky we are to have been blessed with these tiny humans to call our own.
Sometimes, we look at that ball of squishiness and it suddenly looks like a rotten potato, and we cringe a bit and close our eyes, hoping when we open them, we will have a different view—a better perspective. A perspective in which our kids don’t have spaghetti sauce in their ears, or a view of a world in which the dog didn’t just get colored on with permanent marker.
We get a feeling all right, but this time it’s more like your face is on fire. Because pissed. You look at that kid and wonder where the halo disappeared to, because you were sure it was just there, yesterday.
These are the times when you start thinking that your kid is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, or you are for having them in the first place, because they are starting to make you want to run away from home, or put your head through a wall. Some people will say their kids are wonderful most of the time, but I beg to differ, I think it’s about a fifty-fifty split. Fifty percent of the time I want to gobble them up or squeeze them to death, and the other fifty percent I just can’t even deal with them.
I’ve learned that many of these traits that bring out the crazy in moms are common to children all over the world. When kids are doing any one of the following things, chances are their moms just can’t even.
I realize that kids need to express themselves through crying, especially young ones. They cry for many reasons, most of which make perfect sense. They cry because they are sad, or scared, or get their feelings hurt. I understand that they cry when they get frustrated because they have no control over their world and blah blah blah. Whatever. When you cry because a toy fell out of your hand and you have to bend down to pick it up, I can't even deal with you right now.
I know all kids do this, but it has me baffled. If there is a legitimate reason for my kid to be crying, then cool. Let the rain fall down. But, my kid started crying the other day because my daughter mentioned pancakes. "I don't want you to talk about pancakes! I hate pancakes." Wow. The therapist will say, "Something must have happened to him that has scared him away from pancakes." Well, sure. Obviously, a giant pancake leapt out at him from a dark alley, and he is scared forevermore. I told him to just bite the heck out of that pancake, but he doesn't listen.
I hear all this talk about how kids are 'wired' to act a certain way, or that it's normal for them to behave in a manner that drives adults batty. I get that they are not adults, and they have to learn how to behave according to societies rules and all that. But tell me, which wire causes them to destroy my house, because I will snip that wire right now.
When I walk into a room I just spent an hour cleaning, and it looks like Dorothy's tornado just touched down, I have to close my eyes and whisper, "There's no place like home." This chant is an effort to convince myself not to flee from the disaster area like a sane person would do. Can someone please transform my kids from Wreck-It Ralphs into Felix Fix-Its? That would be great. For your trouble, I'll give you three cracked Iphones and five ruined carpets.
Kids are terrible at everything, yo. I'm serious. I know they are learning new things, and it's so cute to watch them try to get the little shapes into the right hole in the shape sorter, but I feel like after a couple of times they aught to have it figured out. But no. They just keep trying to shove that square into the round hole.
Even worse then how bad they are at activities, they give up after, like, the first try. "Mommy, I can't do this! Help me!" For the love, little dude, try harder. My daughter couldn't tie her shoes until she was seven. The only way she finally learned was when I bribed her with a trip to Target for a toy. That girl taught herself to tie her shoes in three hours. I know bribery is supposedly bad, and my daughter won't internalize her motivation, but there are times when we moms just can't even.
Awww, poor little guy. Sure, a part of me feels bad for him, but a part of me just wants to shake my head, because I just don't understand. Kids scare me. They are whacked out. They are always doing things that really cause us moms to question their judgement and--shhh, quietly now--their intelligence. Best not to even try to follow the track that kid's train of thought was on, because I'm sure it was heading off into Crazy Town.
I know we all want to think of our littles like they are baby Einsteins, but then they pull stunts like this one, and we just hope they are willing to push around a mop when they grow up, because they won't be getting very far on brain-power alone. This kid is going to be living with mom and dad for a long time. Only joking, but really kid, what were you thinking?
The world is pretty scary, especially right now, I get it. I've got a few phobias myself, like snakes on a plane, or aliens taking over my body. Okay, so I watch too much television, you got me there. Kids should be scared, they haven't encountered many of the things in this world, and so that survival reflex, the one that attempts to keep them from harm, kicks in. It only kicks in some of the time, mind you. Not when they are leaping from the stairs because they just put on a Superman shirt and can obviously fly, but that's a different story.
Some kids have some pretty irrational fears though, and we just can't deal with them when they act like the ladybug that just landed on their arm is going to kill them instantly. I also can't handle my kids when a car turns onto our street five-thousand feet away, and my kids run screaming from the street like they are about to be run over.
Sometimes this clingy quality is pretty cute. For example, I love to cuddle with my kids when watching a movie, and I love the big hugs they give me when I see them after any kind of separation.
The only trouble is, it's pretty tough to get anything done when your kid is permanently attached to your leg. We get that babies need to be carried a lot, but as kids get older, you hope they will gain a little independence, or at the very least, you hope they will keep the separation anxiety limited to times when it's a little more convenient. Like when I'm taking a shower, please don't try to climb in with me, because you miss me.
Also, because I love you, if I'm ironing clothes, please don't hang around underneath the ironing board, because you simply have to be close to me. Trust me, I want to be with you, but I also want you to live past childhood.
Sometimes, we moms are utterly exhausted from keeping our children on this earth, and there are times when we think, "I give up. I'll see you in Heaven." Obviously, we don't really want anything to happen to our precious little babies, because they are our whole world, and because they are filled with squishiness, duh.
It's a good thing they're filled with squishiness, because they definitely like to test out that bounce. I feel like I save my kids life at least thirty times a day, how about you? Is it Mother Nature's way of controlling the population by giving kids a dangerous streak that insists on doing dumb stuff that could get them killed?
Can you please not try to kill yourselves for, say, forty-eight hours? Momma needs a break from worrying about the thousands of ways you are trying to die.
Thanks so much.
Love, Your Guardian Angel, a.k.a. Mommy
Any mom who has had their child faceplant in the toy section of Target, should be able to sympathize with this unfortunate family. This little girl had an epic meltdown at the White House, in front of President Obama. That rug has carried the footsteps of giants...and soaked up a few tears from one pissed little toddler. You thought your kids were wackos? Can you imagine the embarrassment this poor family faced? There is nothing like seeing another's misfortunes, to make you feel better about your own life. This picture just made you feel so much better about your own kids, didn't it? The little things.
The president has two daughters of his own, who were once little girls, just like the one pictured above. So, I'm pretty sure there were times in their upbringing when the president and the first lady just couldn't even. If they can get through it, I'm pretty sure we can. Buck up, Buttercup!
Aren't kids just the best? They are so adorable when they want to help mommies with their work! Not really. Yes, they are cute and it's sweet they want to learn how to accomplish tasks, but it seems like they always want to 'help' at the exact worse time. Why is it you never wanted to bake cookies together any other day, but when the Bake Sale is in one hour and I need to produce 3 dozen cookies, that's when you want to help roll the dough and cut the shapes into perfect circles? Are you serious?
This is the point when my face starts getting hot and the brick wall seems to be calling to me, like a Siren's song. The song goes something like this: "You won't feel anything at all, if you just bash your skull into this brick wall." Kids are awesome. But sometimes I just can't even.
Kids are messing with us, I'm sure of it. How else can you explain the fact that when they are eating, food gets everywhere except in their mouths. There is some type of game that all kids of the world know the rules to, and that game is called Be As Gross As Possible. The rules incorporate every way to coat your body in food and grime, in as little time as possible. Obviously, kids always want to win. The winner must make the most mess with their food as possible. Not sure what the prize is...maybe seeing their mom's eyes turn crazy is especially rewarding for them.
Pretty sure my kids are winning at that game. My kids are disgusting. I just can't deal with them when they've got food in every crevice of their body. I want to take them outside and hose them off like a dog. I really love my kids, but boy are they nasty little animals!
We all like to think our children are chalk full of innocence and golden hearts full of love and kindness. That is mostly true, except when it isn't. Sometimes kids can be little jerks, and I'm not foolin'. I don't say this to bash kids--we can't expect them to be perfect all the time. After all, kids are still people and they have emotions and can get mad just like the rest of us. There are even some times when little kids can be mean AF, I'm talking downright evil with a capital E.
"No, no!" you exclaim. Kids are innocent! They are angels from Heaven and they know not what they do." Until they punch your kid in the face, and then you think, "There is something wrong with that kid. That kid is bad." Kids are also extremely selfish, and we moms just can't deal with them when they act like little tyrants.
After two kids and several years of parenting, I don't even want to know what's making my kids smell like that. I have no need to know, and I no longer even ask. I simply tell them, "Go take a bath, and use a butt-load of soap. Please and thank you." I also refuse to think about what they have been touching in the house before that bath. I just clean REALLY well, when I do clean. I have smelled some terrible things coming off my kids, and I have survived some of the worst parenting experiences, most of which involved some seriously bad smelling stuff.
Do you remember in school, when your teacher would ask you which 'sense' you would lose, if you had to have one taken away? "Sense of smell every time," is what I would answer now. Kids only smell good for a matter of days, and then exploding diarrhea starts coming out of their tiny little bodies, and that's only the beginning. It's all downhill from there.
Not only do your kids often stick their heads between staircase posts and attempt to kill themselves, but sometimes your kids just act really, really stupid. Don't be a liar now, we are all about honesty here. You know you look at your kid's behavior some days and wonder where the marbles to his Hungry Hippo game went, you feel me?
It's not the kid's fault, don't judge them too harshly. They haven't experience enough to 'learn from their mistakes' yet. Even adults do some seriously goofy things at times. If your kid seems like he might have stuck his finger into an outlet, it's probably just a phase and we moms will just have to deal with it until those neurons start firing on all cylinders. Or if your kid continues to do silly stuff, you might want to see if an outlet cover is missing, because that means the damage might be permanent. Good luck!
We touched on this one a little before, what with kids being like little whirling dervishes, determined to put an end to the evil that is organization and cleanliness. Both of those words just sound like they belong to a government conspiracy and must be stopped at all costs, so who can really blame your kids? They are just doing their duty to destroy conformity.
With this point we are talking more about total and absolute destruction. How many expensive items has your child single-handedly destroyed? Let's make it a get-to-know-you game! Ooh, ooh...I'll go first! Countless phones, computers, sofas, car upholstery, sunglasses, and carpets have been sacrificed to my little ones' creative and scientific enlightenment. Those are just the first things that popped into my head. When we moms stumble upon an expensive item that has been utterly annihilated, we don't even punish the kids because we moms just can't even wrap our mind around the destruction.
Kids are, like, totally helpless. Most of the time I don't mind doing things for them. It certainly wasn't their fault they were born, that was mine and my husband's fault. So, if they need help, I'm more than happy to assist. Still, sometimes it gets kind of old when you know your kid can do something, they are just used to having mom do everything for them, so they get lazy.
Alternately, when they do try to do something for themselves, moms usually suffer for it, and it ends up being triple the work. For example: If you ask your kid to pour themselves a drink or clean up a mess, that situation may not turn out the way you planned. My daughter once tried to clean up her own vomit and let me just tell you, I will be more than happy to clean up her vomit for the rest of her life, if it allows me to avoid that catastrophic situation again. We love our kids, but about fifty percent of the time, we moms just can't even deal with them.