Kids are awesome, aren’t they? They’re so funny and cute, and mom's chest swells with love and happiness every time she looks at them, until they embarrass her at the grocery store with something along the lines of, “Mom. What’s wrong with that guy’s face?” Or, “Oooh, gross. That lady just farted!” And all that love and happiness turns to anxiety and embarrassment, and you just want to crawl under a rock and die.
Yeah, kids are great, until they suck. I feel like most of my days alternate relatively equally between the proud mom moments, to the cringe-worthy ones. It’s not their fault, most of the time—we get that. Kids are without guile and they have no filter—they mean not what they say and do. Most people will forgive them their sins, and laugh it off. But moms will feel the embarrassment, even if the kid, surely, won’t. The kid isn’t always even perceptive enough to notice the changing color of their mom’s face, to something resembling a lobster.
Most of the time, the embarrassment is the direct result of kids being kids, but some of the time the embarrassment is from kids just plain being rotten. I know, I know. We shouldn’t call our precious little babies rotten. But, a weed is still a weed, even if it’s dressed in rose clothing. Kids are like circus animals. They can’t be expected to perform perfectly all of the time, sometimes they are going to return to their wild, animal instincts and act like monkeys. Even though we understand it, it still makes us cringe. Here are 15 times moms wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
15 When The Kids Are Acting Like Animals
We all love when our children do us proud and behave well in public. Sometimes, though, your kids just have an overabundance of energy and act like wild animals, and no amount of effort on your part attempting to tame them, will make any difference. Short of losing your cool--which only pauses them momentarily, because it's fun to see mom's head exploding--will change their behavior.
When this sort of out-of-control situation happens in public, most moms just want to crawl under the nearest rock, because it's embarrassing and deflating to be judged a bad mom...to be seen as a mother who can't control her own children. If you lose it in public, then you will also be viewed as just as out-of-control as your kids. It's a no-win situation, moms. Best just to hightail it out of there, and find the nearest bottle of wine, because mama's gonna need a pick-me-up.
14 When They Fight Like Cats And Dogs
Don't you just love when your kids get along like they were grown in the same uterus? Yeah, I love that too. Melts me. And then fights happen, because one kid put a finger on the other.
"He touched me, Mom." "Yeah, but he looked at me! That is so annoying, Mom." "He started it!" That situation is gray hair inducing enough when it happens at home, but when it happens 40,000 feet in the air in a sardine can, moms start wondering what would happen if they yelled, "Bomb!" At least they could get the plane to land faster, and surely a jail cell would be worth escaping from the 30 pairs of eyes casting you irritated glances. Sorry, moms. No rocks on this plane. You could try to crawl under the seat, but you probably won't fit because of all the luggage you brought, hoping that something in there could entertain your two ridiculous children, who have now started fighting over who gets to read the safety pamphlet.
13 When They Draw Something Inappropriate At School
Oh, the innocent minds of children! How we love their precious little drawings, the stick figures, the funny ways they spell things. And then they draw something dirty or otherwise inappropriate for the sensitive eyes of teachers, and we get called in to the principal's office. "Um, we are a bit concerned about Sally's drawing. Is there something going on at home that we should know about?" Er, no Sir. I promise, I didn't teach my child how to spell dirty words. I also promise that the zombie my kid has artistically rendered with his head being chopped off, didn't come from anything he learned at home. It's possible she overhead me discussing The Walking Dead with my husband, but we always, always turn off that show when the kids walk in the room! All of a sudden you feel like you are about to become a Walking Dead zombie, cause you certainly feel like your head is about to be chewed.
12 When Your Kid Says Something Embarrassing In Public
Kids say the darnedest things, don't they? Some times my kids say things that are so cute and kind, that I just want to "name them Squishy, and make them mine." Other times, I wish I could remember to carry around some duct tape in public, because OMG, you did not just say that! Kids are really observant, and they tend to say the first thing that comes to mind. They also have to learn that not every thought that pops into their heads needs to be vocalized. I need to make a list and teach my kids some of the following don'ts. Kid, you don't need to ask old people if they are about to die. You don't need to loudly comment on my bowel habits when in a public restroom. And, when I happen to have a pimple or two, you certainly don't need to ask me in public if my "bug bites are itchy". Don't we all sometimes wish it was socially acceptable to muzzle our kids?
11 When They Throw A Tantrum Over Nothing
I don't know about your kid, but mine is the king of tantrums over nothing. That Band-Aid I just put on his insignificant cut one minute ago just magically fell off. Tantrum. That time I took one bite out of his sandwich (to test it 'for poison' of course--just lookin' out). Tears. When we are near a service dog, and I say we can't pet it. Tantrum. Son, are you really going to fall out in the middle of Target, because Sissy had to stop to tie her shoe? Seriously? I'm that mom who just stands there staring at her kid, because I have no idea what society wants me to do at this particular day. I usually work it out with a smiling threat/bribe/plea for the embarrassment to stop, so that I can quickly leave to go bash my forehead on the steering wheel of my car. If that doesn't work, I just shout loudly, "Hey! Whose kid is this? Not yours? Then, keep walking.”
10 When They Have An Accident In Public
There are many positive experiences associated with having children, but your kid having an accident in public is not one of them. My daughter would wait until the last minute to tell me she needed to pee, and of course we would be in the middle of the mall—closest bathroom a ten-minute walk away. I could tell you what happened, but I think you already know. Despite the millions of bladder incidents and poopy diapers I have handled in public, my husband's tale of mortification has become legend in our home.
Apparently my daughter (still a toddler) was running through Toys R Us, like Hansel and Gretel, and she was dropping a trail behind her. When a Toys R Us employee came to see what was causing a stir, he started gagging and my husband’s pretty sure the dude threw up in his mouth. My husband told him, "I'll be right back to help you clean that." He grabbed our daughter and ran for the nearest rock to crawl under. He refuses to return to that Toys R Us to this day—and my daughter is nine.
9 When They Talk Back To Adults
Kids should have the right to speak their minds and disagree with adults, within reason, right? We want to encourage them to be free thinkers, and to not always blindly follow those in charge. I'm always careful to phrase my advice when handling sticky adult-kid issues, because I want my child to know that not all adults are right—just because they are in positions of authority—and respectfully debating their opinions is healthy. But, my kid always chooses the most embarrassing places to challenge my authority, and with the snark of a teen. No, no little one. I told you--you can challenge other people's authority, but not mine! Never mine. I'm your mother! Oh. And better not talk back to Grandma like that either. She was a colonel in the Army and she won't take that mess, not even from her precious grand-baby. Capiche? Oh yeah, and don't talk back to me in front of Grandma, or you're grounded.
8 When They Swear In Public
I really love swear words. I'm a writer, so I love words period. But to me, swear words are very expressive, strong words that can be used to demonstrate passion. I think in swear words, and I like to use them when they are appropriate. Even so, I do try to curb my usage around the littles, mostly because I'm embarrassed of them picking up on them and using them in public. I'm not the least concerned if my kid stubs his toe and hollers a more than appropriate four letter word. Stubbing your toe hurts like the dickens, I get it. But like a true member of a judgmental society, I only care that my child doesn't embarrass me by using those words in public. Out of all the embarrassing things on this list, I have to admit this is the one I'm least embarrassed about. I would probably be secretly cheering my kid on for expressing themselves, and 'using their words’, but I can see a misplaced curse in a silent church as cause for moms to crawl under the pew.
7 When They Grab Their Own Privates, Or Yours, In Public
I hope my kid isn't the only one that does this, but I find it incredibly mortifying. I feel like I go around all day at home saying, "Stop grabbing your privates. Stop poking at your butt." I know, TMI. But, no matter what I say, they don't stop. Grabbing yourself at home is one thing, but when we are in public, even me telling them to stop touching themselves is enough cause for the flesh on my face to start heating, and I start herding my children to a quiet place where we can have yet another talk about not grabbing ourselves in public. The other side of this coin is when your kid grabs you. I've had many incidents where baby pulled out my boob when I was unawares, and some babies even think boobs are fun, squishy balls for them to play with. No, baby, those are not balls under there. Leave them alone, please. Facepalm.
6 When They Think Burping And Farting Is Hilarious
All kids find burping and farting to be incredibly hilarious, at one point or another. It's all well and good at home, when you can laugh it off, or run into the next room to escape the foul smell, but when your kids are loudly joking about who farted when you're at a party in some enclosed environment, you really want to find that rock to hind under. Half the time, my kids are just cracking up over the word fart, or just at the thought of farting, or the sound a fart makes. But that seems just as embarrassing to me, as the actual act of farting. My daughter—sweet, ladylike child that she is—has even learned how to burp on command. I'm not sure how one learns this talent, but she tells me that if you swallow enough air, then you can burp whenever you want. Please do remember to put that on your college application, child. I'm so proud.
5 When They Call You Out In Public
Kids are privy to our innermost thoughts and beliefs, not to mention that they often overhear conversations, which were not meant for their ears. If you are discussing your disapproval of your best friend's inappropriate outfit, or the fact that you don't like it when people have tattoos on their forearms, your kid is surely to call you out for it, when you try to tell a white lie. The next time you tell your friend how much you love her too-short dress, or admire the knife tat on your husband's friend's forearm—your kid will remind you (right in front of them) that you said you don't like that dress, and you don't like those kind of tattoos. "Mommy, why are you lying?" You turn to your kid, smiling through your teeth, whispering, "Thanks little Benedict Arnold. Can I put in a good word for you with the Continental Congress?"
4 When They Do Disgusting Things
Kids are nasty. It takes them a long time, and I do mean a very long time, to begin to develop any sense of hygiene. They do not care about being clean, and it's like they don't even feel the dirt on their face, or under their nails, or the gads of boogers falling from their nostrils. They wipe the food from their faces on their sleeves, pick their boogers and wipe those on the walls (and each other), and they eat things with dirty hands, and play games like: Who Can Make The Most Mess Because It's Fun To Watch Mom Go Nuts. I have to confess, I expected this when I had kids, so it doesn't surprise me. But, when my kid is walking around a wedding with food staining their previously clean clothing, or they sneeze all over their hands and then wipe them on their jeans, I die a little on the inside.
3 When They're The Worst At Something
This is both a sad and embarrassing situation. It breaks your heart for you child when you see them struggling at something, especially if it's something they really want to be good at, but a little part of you can't help but be embarrassed by the fact that your kid is the worst at something. You start to feel those pitying glances, and you start to imagine what your friendly peers are thinking: "Does that lady even practice with her kid? Man, that kid is terrible." I've felt embarrassed for my kid, but also for myself when this happens. I would never focus on the negative, or criticize them, as long as they are trying their best—but a small part of me just wishes they weren't the absolute worst. I’d be okay if they second or third worst. It’s times like this when all you can do is encourage them, practice with them, and hope they choose to do something else.
2 When They Tell Embarrassing Family Secrets
Families share a lot of things that are meant to be kept private, amongst family members only. There are many funny or embarrassing family stories, and weird family quirks that you just don't want other people to know about. That time you lost your cookies on the plane? Secret. That one time at band camp? Secret. But, if you don't tell your kids that those things are secrets, how are they supposed to know that they weren't supposed to tell anyone? It can be pretty humiliating when your kid tells his teacher all of your most private secrets. No, kid. You are not supposed to tell people how long Daddy takes in the bathroom. In fact, anything that takes place in the bathroom is not up for public discussion. Think you can remember that? Good. Then I won’t have to sell you to the circus after all—but—you’ve been warned.
1 When They Stand Up For You At The Wrong Time
We parents are always encouraging our kiddos to stand up for themselves, and for others who need a little protection. I love it when my kid comes home from school and tells me that she didn't take any stuff from the bully. Yet, I think my kids feel the need to protect me. Maybe I give off a damsel-in-distress vibe? I experience both the warm fuzzies and face draining horror, when my kids try to stand up for me in public. They usually misconstrue a remark from a stranger, and I swear my kids look like they are about to cut that person. "Oh, sweetie, Mommy's fine. You don't need to protect me." "But, Mom. That guy was being mean to you. I'm gonna kill him." "Oh, that won't be necessary. Thanks for the support, though." Yikes. Can you kill me, because I am going to die of embarrassment, anyway.