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15 Times This Mom Has Wanted To Punch Her Husband In The Face

My husband walked in the door and I felt instant frustration. He was tired and worn out, exhausted from a long day at work and only wanted to come home to a clean house with dinner ready on the table. Me, on the other hand, felt as if the confined four walls of our living room were caving in on us and we were quickly drowning in invisible quick sand while trying to escape the enchanted land of Sophia and Disney Jr. We all know that it took the both of us to make these lovable, precious baby girls that we hold so near and dear to our hearts, but there are times, I will admit - I just want to punch my spouse in the face.

Maybe it's the raging hormones post baby. Could be the idea that his normal world may never completely understand the totally not normal motherhood-world that I exist in with twin girls that rule over me as two miniature dictators with a swift hand for M&M's and tears when they don't get their way.

There are moments where I'm absolutely sure that he can sift through the sarcasm in my text messages and he probably drove twenty-five miles an hour on the highway to prolong his inevitable face-to-face with me so that he can avoid the stressed out wife and mom he didn't sign up for.

This parenting crap is hard work and sometimes I think I'm the only one who got that memo from the birthing suite. In the spirit of the holidays though, I need to at least get this off my chest and confess the 15 moments that moms, like myself, want to punch their husbands in the face.

15 Look Handsome All The Time

How do you do that? Seriously? I have been here in this house all day with a makeup bag and shower at my disposal to use at any given moment - and I look one of two ways each and every day: like I cleaned our chimney in a pair of Fabletics tights that I'm clinging to with the last bit of fashion hope I have left or the look of "War Prisoner" who has fought hard in battle all day long and is still living in captivity and surviving off the land. Neither of these two are remotely good or attractive yet you breeze through the door very dapper and almost seem more refreshed than when you left. I hate you. No, actually I love you but I hate that you remain that attractive all day long while I'm in need of a makeover on the reg.

14 Saying "These Kids Are Driving Me Nuts"

It's been two minutes since you walked in the door. Really? Two Minutes? Day in and day out they drive me absolutely batty but I stick it out and overcome the padded walls because that's what moms do. Sure, they are bouncing off the walls but they are so excited to see you and the sweet attention you get gives me a cavity. I know that anyone needs a break but you can’t call a gimme when you just stepped in the door and need a little time to yourself. You just had the entire ride home in the car alone - that is like gold to many of us insane feeling moms. You've got to pay your dues here given that I have committed an entire day to the insane asylum that is now our house. You can't tap out after two minutes and hand the baton back over to me, ohhh no sir.

13 Taking A 25 Minute "Potty Break"

Again, you walked in the door 2 minutes ago and it's that time to take the dreaded potty break and this time, Elmo doesn’t need to coach anyone through it. After your drive home it just works out that way that you need to rush to the bathroom after ten steps in the door?. Ok, I somewhat get it, nature calls- But to sit on your phone in the bathroom in complete silence while I am wrapped up in forty fleece blankets because "Doc McStuffin's needs to check mama out" is not cool. There’s a good possibility that I may suffocate under all these blankets and who knows when someone would find me. I know you need to check who your team traded today and maybe browse your group texts for updates on who's leading your fantasy teams, but you can't leave me hanging here buddy.

12 Chug The Gallon Of Milk

Let me explain something you already know. Our twins are master imitators. They think you are incredibly awesome. They watch you often and mimic every single that that we both do, especially you. When you drink out of the gallon of milk in our fridge they are fascinated and want to do this to. Just so happens this morning while I brushed my teeth - they tried it. I wish I could describe the horror that cleaning up an entire gallon of spilled milk really feels like but I’m sure you can envision it. It was cute when you chugged it when we were dating because it seemed so "Hallmark movie" but now - it REALLY makes me want to punch you and officially cry over the spilled milk when our entire kitchen and children are bathing in that $4.97 gallon of awesome.

11 Not Tackling Hard Questions

It's the one conversation that I just don't want to have. And they ask all the time why are mama and daddy different with different parts and.. Ugh I can’t even discuss it. Maybe it’s the fact that they are getting older and the sentimental mom in me cannot handle the fact that my babies are turning into big girls but I just can’t answer these difficult questions. And I pawn it on you each and every single time. I've tried and failed because they ask me one hundred and fifty additional questions that make me cringe. I don't have all the answers and am guessing neither do you, but someone has to shut these questions down before it gets out of control. Please, next time you hear a random question that seems unanswerable, just take one for the team here.

10 Leaving Dirty Clothes On The Floor

Seriously, it was bad before children but being that it was just you, me and the dog, our laundry was easy to do in one and a half loads a week. Now, I feel as if I'm washing one and a half loads of laundry an hour then putting an entire clean basket of clothes in the children's reach to play in, making more dirty laundry right before my eyes. At this point it’s a constant wash/rinse/dry cycle that has me about ready to lose my mind not to mention the endless princess dresses and decorative boas that are clogging up the lint filters with glitter and feathers. The icing on the cake comes when I think I have completed the ultimate task of cleaning all the clothes and find dirty workout gear or work clothes in a dimly lit corner of the bathroom. I could just die right there.

9 Eluding Dinner Ideas

Work is over and you call. I answer the phone and the phrase “So, what you been thinking about for dinner?” breezes over the other end of the phone and immediately it’s on. I know that you know that I know I'm the only one that's been thinking dinner plans for tonight because at the end of the day, we all have eat something or we'll starve. And you're open ended sentence throws me into a heap of frustration because for one brief moment in time, I want to just be reminded that you know how to cook, where the grocery is located or can order a pizza and pick it up - resulting in one night where I can ignore the stress of planning yet another meal. It would be so lovely to have you come home and just grace us with dinner prepared or planned or maybe even ideas written down - pretty please?

8 Ignoring Bedtime Crying

It’s nice and snuggly in bed and after the hectic crafting day I’ve had with the wild children, a good night’s sleep is calling my name. Then I hear the inevitable cry from the nursery and I freeze. Looking over, you don’t budge and casually roll over which signals only one thing - It’s my turn. The exhausted side of me thinks that I could punch you at this moment immediately. The "oh-they-cry-I'm-going-to-fake-yawn-and-roll-over" leaves me with no pity for you. At this moment, I could absolutely care less how tired you are, how many sales you made today or how many hours you logged at the office. In my "mom office" the hours are endless and I just cannot call these playing fields even. If you don't get your butt up and hug a kid, I might roundhouse kick you in my "sleep".

7 Last Stitch Cuddle Attempts

Listen, I love you. There's deep truth in that statement. But if you touch me right now after I've been almost strip searched and manhandled by two little children all day who only want to hug and grab my legs to pull me into their room to play, I might hate you forever. If you don’t understand just know that it’s constant. So many days, I won’t lie, I love it. The affection and hugs are precious, but you can only take SO MUCH and occasionally it can just be overwhelming. Toddler hugs and kisses and pushes and pulls after a while send a mama straight into orbit. After a day where you've had sticky peanut butter and jelly covered hands tapping on you all day long, the last thing that I could possibly want is one more cuddle monster trying to sway me their direction - you included.

6 Bedtime Vs. Movie

There's a thing about moms and dads who discipline children differently and having to agree to disagree about parenting. You’re not supposed to go over the other parent who initiated the discipline first because it’s almost like cheating - undermining the other parenting isn't so cool. And although that’s not what this totally is, this fits into that category to me because at this moment, all I want is bedtime for them and me. After a rambunctious day with children, moms like myself look so forward to bedtime It's almost next to grace. We count down the hours until it is upon us and when it’s time, we rejoice in a silent cheer outside the kids rooms. Hallelujah! Interjecting that profound word "Bedtime" with an option for kiddos to make a pallet on the floor and watch a movie only extends my annoyance for two and a half more hours of questions and crumbs from snacks covering my floor.

5 Convincing Me "Not To Worry"

Hearing you whisper in my ear that “it’s ok, try not to worry” will only make me give you a blank stare. Go ahead, say it again because I’m sure repeating it will make my grave concern go away. Oh yeah, it really works. Never in one million times that you have uttered the above sentence has it made my anxiety instantly fly away like Tinkerbell in a rainstorm. It almost comes with the territory for new moms and I'm one of the forsaken with the dreaded "Mom Worry" . They get an insanely high fever? Mom Worry. Vomiting and stomach bugs taking over the house? Mom Worry. Bleeding profusely out of a cut that is as deep as The Grand Canyon. Mom Worry. Are you gonna talk me off that ledge tonight while I'm rotating Tylenol and Motrin, probably not.

4 Teaching Darts And Wrestling Classes

Over the weekend I am not sure why I didn’t put a stop to you teaching our precious, darling three year old new tricks but I guess I didn’t realize that pro-wrestling moves off the couch or learning a handy game of Darts was that deadly. Darts. That says it all right there. Children wielding sharp edged miniature arrows that they can throw with precise wrist action towards a mom who is telling them “No” is just laughable. I almost feel like my life is at stake during the day when you're gone due to you perfecting their accuracy at hitting a {moving} target. And two little humans wrestling makes me yell louder than ever, them acquire more battle wounds than ever and the idea that jumping off the bed onto a mattress to body slam someone is "really cool". I swear, I may body slam you now and not the way you want me to.

3 Bribery. With Candy

Whyyyy. They now use it as leverage during the day when you're gone because "daddy always gives us candy" to my rebuttal of the fact that they get it when they being conned into doing something. It's not Halloween but they are attempting every trick they can think of to prove their case. Given that they are three and don't get the term "being conned" they think that this is acceptable to act like total heathens to get bribed with candy to act normal. Dear God, help us. Children on a sugar high and an extremely tired mama who gave in to the screams of children who officially bribed me this time makes for a hubby who is officially in trouble. Not fair, but next time at least buy the good candy that we all like (hint hint).

2 Giving Kids The Remote

Let me describe a situation that happened the other night. I sat down after an awesome bath on the couch. My favorite, guilty-pleasure reality TV show was on and I just poured a nice glass of wine to soak in the peace and quiet and pointless television drama. Being that the TV was too loud, I searched for the remote, only to find it in my child's hand minutes later. When asked to please bring the remote control to me, she deactivated our Roku, turned the sound to the max and set it on a HDTV station that I didn't know existed. After chasing her back to bed and losing my hearing, I gave up on ever watching anything remotely trashy again and drank myself to sleep. Happy? Never, ever can you again teach them how to use our remote control, even when you don’t feel like changing the channel yourself from one ballgame to another. Never.

1 Stealing My Heart

How do you do it? Even after almost 6 and a half years of marriage, 2 twin daughters that give us more gray hairs than we can count and endless stress, you still sweep me off my feet and remind me that even though I want to punch you in the face countless times of day, you still are my Prince Charming that laughs and acts ridiculous with me, brings home my favorite chocolates when you know I need it and peps me up when I feel like the worst mom in the world. Sure, I gripe and complain and you drive me absolutely batty just as much as the kids do. I know the feeling is mutual and I’m sure you think my ideas for a crafting room and more additions to the Honey-Do-List are getting on your nerves. I'm pretty lucky that even after all the annoying habits we share, you don't want to get rid of me either, because if that were the case - I would seriously punch you in the face.

 

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