Let’s talk about what it means to be intimate. It usually suggests sexual activity however intimacy doesn’t always mean the deed only. It’s more about being close to someone and sharing a special bond. Sex is the most intimate form of love but we are fooling ourselves if we think sex creates love. We all want to be cared for and sex is an easy way to feel loved, but it only lasts for a moment, a few moments if you’re lucky. Intimacy is the key to love and it is what keeps the love alive.
What happens to intimacy AFTER a baby comes? We’ve taken some time off from sex, our bodies have changed and our hormones are fluctuating. Intimacy changes. Sex changes. It’s different, but different doesn’t have to be bad. After being through child birth together it’s possible to be closer and more comfortable together than ever. Closeness plus comfort equals intimacy.
Let’s be honest, sex after a baby can be scary. We’ve interviewed 15 different moms to talk about how they get their husbands in the mood after the baby comes. After all the changes we have been through our husbands may be hesitant to make the first move. We know that a lot of men love it when a woman takes charge in bed but you may not be feeling very dominatrix-like and that’s totally normal! Here is a list of subtle tricks to let him know you’re ready to be intimate.
Belinda G told us that lingerie was her best friend after having her daughter. She is a naturally slender woman who was getting used to the idea of bigger breasts and hips. Her husband was crazy about her new curves but Belinda was having a hard time dealing with her new body image.
“When people saw me after the baby they told me I looked better than ever. My mother in law said I was always too skinny anyways and made jokes about my new curves being an improvement” said Belinda.
We can be self-conscious about our bodies after having a baby. Belinda decided to buy herself a corset to hide her new love handles and to keep her new breasts under control. Any kind of lingerie or wearing a satin slip will definitely let your husband know you’re in the mood. It’s great for us because we can feel sexy and still keep covered while we are adjusting to our new bodies.
A lot of new moms will recommend using lubricant for your first time having sex after the baby comes. Some say it will hurt while others say it’s great. New mom Sarah told us here at BabyGaga that it is a lot of pressure. She felt like it was her first time all over again.
“I was nervous about my body changes, I was worried it would hurt, and I was anxious that it wouldn’t be good for my boyfriend anymore.”
Sarah bought the K-Y Yours and Mine Couples Lubricant and took it slow. For her, it felt like the first time all over again and it was an amazing experience. This was her first time using any kind of lubricant but it was certainly not her last.
If at any moment it feels painful and you just don’t feel ready speak up and say so. It’s okay to stop once you’ve started. Your partner should understand and help you find other ways of connecting until you are ready for sex again.
Rachel J says that sex was an issue for her and her boyfriend from the moment she got pregnant. He was always worried about hurting the baby even after the doctor told them it was not harmful. Rachael told us even after the baby came he acted like a boy who was afraid to touch her. When she was in the mood it was up to her to initiate intimacy.
“My go to move is to walk up behind him and putting my arms around his waist and rub my hands on his inner thighs. When I feel his penis standing at attention I slowly linger away touching his belly, arms, face, or neck. I whisper something like ‘come on’ or ‘follow me’ in his ear” explains Rachel.
After she gets him in the mood he will take over and make her feel wanted and sexy. According to Woman Health, 13% of women suffer from postpartum depression (PPD) during pregnancy or after childbirth, so it’s important to make the woman in your life feel good about herself.
Melissa R shares her secret about steamy showers with us. Her and her husband had a very active sex life pre-baby. After becoming a mom Melissa said she was missing two things in her life. Sex and showers.
We’ve heard moms say, “If I get a chance to take a shower it’s a productive day.”
Melissa was stunned when she realized it is true! This mom was determined to keep a close intimate bond with her husband so she thought why not kill two birds with one stone.
Three weeks after the baby was born she felt so disconnected with her husband. In the evening, after the baby went to bed, she took a shower to relax after a long day. She sent her husband a text that read “I need wine and YOU!”
They didn’t have sex during the first few nights of steamy showers. You can connect in so many other ways. Being naked together, touching and washing each other, and taking a few moments to show your other half how much you love them is all you need to be intimate.
Tori G and her husband had intimacy all figured out by the time their third baby came. Sushi night is their code for sex. It doesn’t have to be Sex in the City, naked on the table covered in sushi, Samantha style. It’s simply a night for intimacy. Sometimes that means order in at home or maybe even going out for actual sushi, but the end results are always the same. They are taking time together to connect and be intimate.
Tori told us, “We tend to do Sunday sushi nights. It can sound boring to say we have sex every Sunday but it’s something we look forward to all week. We can flirt and be playful around the kids or other people and they don’t know what we’re talking about.”
Having a code word for sex is a good way to spark intimacy after having a baby. It’s hard to find a spare moment for your other half with a new baby in the house. Code words don’t take a lot of effort and it’s an immediate flip of a switch from being parents to being an intimate husband and wife.
Massaging one another is a great way to be intimate without having sex. Most doctors recommend no sex for up to six weeks after your baby is born. This waiting period could be more or less depending on how you gave birth and if it you went through any added traumas.
Alexa P shared her post baby sex stories with us. She loves to be touched and held by her husband. It was hard for her to avoid sex after the baby came so she found ways to be intimate without penetration.
“Less than two weeks after our baby was born I couldn’t take not getting attention from my husband. I stripped naked and laid on my stomach and asked him to massage me with edible oils. Once we were able to have sex again we continued to use the oils to massage each other as foreplay. He loves touching me and getting used to every part of my new body” explains Alexa.
When Jamie’s husband comes home after a long day at work she hands him a glass of wine and he immediately knows what that means. Jamie tells us that her life consists of chaos and it’s hard to find time for each other. When she opens a bottle of wine it lets her husband know she needs to relax and have some adult time.
According to Mens Health, women who drink red wine have a higher sex drive. There is also a correlation found between modest wine drinkers and a higher level of lubrication. Note that this applies to moderate wine drinking meaning 1-2 glasses. Any more than three glasses can make out to be something drunk and sloppy.
“The first time we had sex after the baby was born I was so nervous! I drank more than a few glasses of wine to relax and ended up getting sick and ruining our night together. I won’t make that mistake again. Two glasses of wine before sex is the perfect number for me” says Jamie.
“There is nothing better than rolling around between the fresh clean sheets and then making them dirty with my husband” says Katie. “I like to get them fresh out of the dryer, put them on the bed, and strip myself naked.”
After having a new baby the laundry will feel (and actually be) never ending. We asked Katie how she finds time to consistently wash her sheets for intimate time with her husband. Her response, she doesn’t.
“There isn’t one specific way or time to have sex after a baby. We pretty much do it whenever and where ever we can. We have to be flexible, we can’t wait for the perfect moment, or we will never find time for each other.”
Cleaning the sheets is just one way Katie tells her husband she wants him right now. After a long day of being with the baby their time between the sheets is very important.
Think about what your husband comes home to on a typical day. Are there children crying? Messy house? Tired wife? What if your husband came home one day to find something totally unexpected? Whitley D, a mom of twins, shared her surprise secrets with us and boy are we glad she did!
Her husband Dave came home from work and walked in slowly. Babe? He yelled out, are you home? Whitley was listening from upstairs trying not to giggle too loud. Dave started taking off his shoes and went to hang up his coat, as he always does. There was a silky robe hanging where his jacket should go. He was confused but continued on as if no one was home. He opened the fridge to grab a drink, as he always does. There were chocolate covered strawberries and whipped cream with a note attached. Whitley heard him chuckle and he immediately stated catching on.
“Babe where are you?” Yelled Dave.
Whitley left her bra and panties in the hallway leading to their bedroom. When Dave walked in Whitley was dressed in her best lingerie and had naughty props laying on the bed around her.
All Whitley said was, “What can I do for you?”
And the rest is history.
“All I have to do to get my husband in the mood is tell him about my sex dreams” says Jasmine.
She rolls over in the morning and whispers the details of her dirty dreams in his ear. Once he hears that first thing in the morning he doesn’t stand a chance of keeping his hands off. Jasmine admits that sometimes she doesn’t actually have a sex dream. She just tells her husband that to get him in the mood. He especially loves when she’s dreaming about him. Most of her free time is spent with the kids so her husband needs his ego stroked a little. Our husbands deserve some flattery and sweet talk on occasion!
Recent studies suggest that testosterone levels can drop after a man becomes a father. Postpartum depression doesn’t only apply to women, it can exist in men too! Tell your man how much you love him and make sure you are both communicating your feelings about intimacy.
Research suggests that skin to skin contact is the best way to bond with your baby after they are born. This can also apply to your husband or significant other. Sleeping naked will produce skin to skin contact that can result in a more active sex life. All of this will release oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone, in your brain. When oxytocin is released it will help you feel those good feelings about your partner and allow you to become closer and more intimate.
Chelsea J told us here at BabyGaga that sleeping naked is the only way she sleeps. It started when she was about seven months pregnant in July of last year. She was extremely sweaty, always hot, and did not like any kind of elastic band around her belly. Her husband was surprised to see that Chelsea continued to sleep naked after the baby was born.
“I felt so close to my husband during my pregnancy. Sleeping naked made me more comfortable with my body and now that I have convinced my husband to sleep naked on the regular I am confident when I say we are more intimate than ever” explains Chelsea.
Flirting is something that comes natural when we are single. When we go out and meet new people or we’re looking for a relationship, we flirt. We flirt, we date, we get married, and we have a baby. Somewhere in between all of that the flirting gets lost in the shadows and we are simply married with a baby. The dating and the flirting are typically the first things to go after a baby comes.
Leslie, a mom of five, told us her story. She and her husband appear to be the perfect team. I mean, you kind of have to be with five kids! They are avid runners and travel around the east coast doing marathons and family fun runs. They attend sporting events together and always go on a family vacation every year. Leslie didn’t think anything was missing from their relationship until she saw her husband “flirt” with someone else.
“My husband is faithful to me and I know that, but when I witnessed him meeting new people and acting overly interested I was jealous” says Leslie.
She made a point to laugh at his jokes when they weren’t funny and held his hand for an extra second before he walked out of the room. When Leslie started flirting with her husband he noticed right away and he loved the extra attention. Flirting can make an already great relationship even better.
Changing out of our mom clothes and into something sexy is a good way to get your man’s attention. Chose something that will enhance your positive attributes. Maybe something that shows some cleavage or a tight dress showing off your legs and butt. New mom Jess decided to reenact a scene from Jennifer Aniston’s movie The Break-Up.
Her husband was in the living room watching Sunday football and she went upstairs to put the baby to bed as she always does. Jess walked down the steps totally naked! She walked right past her husband through the living room and into the open kitchen. She went to the fridge opened it and bent over to grab a beer, but really she was just bending over to give him a view. Her husband just watched her in awe with his mouth wide open.
“I was really self-conscious about my body after I had the baby. My husband was scared to make a move because he knew I wasn’t feeling good about myself” said Jess.
When she started back towards the steps her husband quickly forgot about the football game he was watching and followed her. Making an effort to look sexy will catch the attention of your husband or significant other.
"You are mine," he grunts out, pumping into me, the length and level of his arousal brutal. "Mine," he swears, as he releases my mouth and turns me around, pushing me forward as he yanks my legs back, one hand hard on my back, the other gripping my ass. He doesn’t slow the movement, giving me full, hard thrusts, my breasts bouncing from the top of my dress, the mirror above the sink giving me a full view of my slutdom. Paul, in worn jeans, a white tee-shirt, light hair mussed, mouth open, intensity over his face. His reflection pulls at my hair, tilting my head back, and I find his eyes on mine in the mirror.
This is a passage from New York Times Bestselling author Alessandra Torre’s book Sex Love Repeat. Now imagine reading this to your significant other or having them read it to you. It’s a turn on for sure! New mom Megan told us that cuddling, touching and reading erotica is how her and her husband stayed intimate immediately after the baby arrived.
“Feeling the warmth of his skin and thinking about everything we wanted to do to each other was sexy and romantic. I felt more intimate and learned more about his wants when sex was off the table” says Megan.
According to Psychology Today, something as simple as synchronized breathing can make a couple more intimate. Hold each other close and tight enough to sync your breathing and you will begin to feel relaxed and comfortable with one another.
Gina F, a mom of three, says that sex wasn’t on the table for six months after giving birth to her third child. She had a traumatic experience and was unable to push the baby out as she had done twice before. Gina had to have an assisted birth, meaning she needed the help of forceps to get the baby out. This is uncommon for a mom who has given birth two previous times with no complications. The physical healing from the assisted birth was not as bad as the emotional healing.
“We tried to have sex about two months after the third baby came and I started crying. When my husband tried to ask what was wrong I couldn’t explain it. When he touched my vagina I immediately started having flash backs of my birthing experience” says Gina.
Her husband held her close and let her cry. Their breathing gradually synced up with one another and Gina was calm. They weren’t ready for sex but that doesn’t mean they weren’t ready to be intimate.