When Kate Hudson admitted in a Cosmopolitan interview that the laziest thing she has ever done was get a C-section, the internet went wild. Enraged mamas, particularly those who had life-saving and emergent C-sections, took to Twitter to call Kate out. And fans didn’t sugarcoat their glaring disapproval.
But, to be fair, there’s more to the story. Kate didn’t simply waltz into the hospital and say, “I’m lazy, cut me open, and take my baby.” No, no. Prompted by the Twitter explosion of angry fans, Hudson filled in the gaps of her story to the Associated Press. When she arrived at the hospital, her labor wasn’t progressing like her doctors hoped so she had two options: induction or go home and wait for labor to progress. Here is the “lazy” part: she didn’t feel like dealing with walking out of the hospital and through the paparazzi to get home so she opted for an elective C-section. So, to clarify, she didn’t mean the procedure was lazy; she meant that it was the lazy option for her because she didn’t want to trudge back out of the hospital and deal with papazzari.
All of that aside, there are plenty of crazy V-birthers out there who do actually think that C-sections are the unnatural, lazy way to give birth – a thought process similar to that of “only real women give birth vaginally.” Obviously, that’s not true, but for fun, let’s dig into their so called arguments (note: none of these arguments are actually valid). Here are 15 ways that a C-section is the “laziest” option.
15Just Layin’ Around
Vaginal births are so exhausting, right? I’m not even talking about the final pushing stage. I mean, the whole entire process is a workout. First of all, you’re constantly walking, doing laps at the mall or around the block, or bouncing on your yoga ball in an attempt to just get the labor started. As if walking around the block isn’t a big enough workout at 9 months pregnant!
Then, once you’re in labor, you have to keep labor progressing so that means – you guessed it – more walking. Then, once the contractions really get going, you can’t even just sit still; you have to keep changing positions. It makes me winded just thinking about it.
On the other hand, there’s a C-section. Schedule your schedule, come in for surgery prep, and wait your turn. All you have to do is lay there. No changing positions, no walking the walls. Seems pretty lazy to me.
14No Pushing Necessary
I think most women would agree that there is a bittersweet fondness for pushing. The good news is that pushing means the whole ordeal is almost over and baby is one step closer to being born. The bad news, however, is that pushing also sucks. Pushing is like running a marathon, in a desert, without eating beforehand, without any training, and uphill both ways. As a bonus, if you’ve had an epidural, it’s that much harder to even figure out how to push. And you’re probably pooping. And there’s the ring of fire. So yeah, pushing sucks.
You know how to get out of pushing? Signing up for that elective C-section. Yep, C-sections are a sure fire lazy way to get out of all that pooping, tearing, and ring of firing. And you know what? Without those tears and stitches, that’s one less thing you’ll have to pamper after birth! No sitting on a donut for you!
Ok, remember how I just said that pushing was the suckiest part of childbirth. Well, perhaps contractions are the suckiest part of childbirth. After all, pushing is a relatively short stage compared to how long contractions can last. (Ahem, first labor of 20.5 hours… ) Honestly, contractions are a poorly named phenomenon. It doesn’t feel like a mere muscle contraction. It feels like someone is ripping open your insides … from the inside out. Right? RIGHT?
I know some people can mediate though contractions and breathe through those suckers, but that takes a lot of work and focus and mental willpower. You could just skip the contractions and take the lazy way out. How you ask? Simply schedule your elective C-section before labor actually begins and then you’ll be spared the brutal-yet-life-giving force of nature that is a contraction.
12Room Service, Please!
I remember the first time I ordered room service; I was on my honeymoon, and we ordered a big brunch. I remember feeling so fancy and so pampered to have room service. Yet, also sort of lazy in a way, because I could have just walked down to the hotel breakfast and had brunch there (for a fraction of the cost.) But let’s be real, sometimes it just feels good to be lazy and to be waited on hand and foot.
Speaking of being waited on hand and food, when you get your C-section, you’ll have a chance for a longer hospital stay AKA more time for people to wait on you hand and foot. Food delivered right to your adjustable bedside table, pillows and blankets whenever you need them, juice cups whenever you’re extra thirsty. Heck, someone will even walk you to the bathroom and bring you your pain meds. Ahhh, the spoiled life.
11From Want To Need
I like to joke that when I win the lottery, the first thing I’ll do is a get a maid and a personal chef. Okay, that’s not true. The first thing I’ll do is Disney World for a month, but a maid and personal chef is definitely on my list. Seriously, does anyone actually enjoy Mount Laundry?
After childbirth, household chores are understandably neglected for a bit. Between the exhaustion and constant feedings, burpings, and diaper changes, there’s little to no time for folding clothes and washing dishes. But with a C-section, people automatically give you a longer recovery period which means you’ll have an excuse to have professional help for more time. No need to worry about your dishes or laundry or cleaning the bathroom; simply have a C-section and take a longer break from household chores!
One of the most unnerving things about waiting for childbirth is the constant need to always “be ready.” It’s a little intimidating and anxiety-inducing to never know when your time is up. Sure, the hospital bag must be packed, but that is one-and-done chore. Body hair maintenance, on the other hand, is never a one-and-done chore. When awaiting a natural birth, an expectant mama must always be groomed, clean, and wearing fresh panties. Shaving anything with a 9 month belly is extremely difficult and sometimes impossible, and constantly staying on top of the grooming routine is really exhausting. You can’t just have a lazy day and skip shaving, because what if you go into labor that day?!
However, if you know you’ll be having a C-section there’s no need to shave every day. Simply, just shave once – right before you head into the hospital for your C-section and then you’ll be good for a while.
Do you notice the amount of jokes about mothers leaking a little pee when they laugh too hard or sneeze? About 10% of women suffer from some degree of bladder incontinence after childbirth – and that is a direct result of tearing the pelvic floor muscles during birth. Doctors, however, suggest doing kegels during pregnancy to help strengthen those muscles and prevent pelvic floor damage. Doctors also recommend doing kegels after birth is a good way to help whip those muscles back into shape.
What’s the best way to keep your pelvic muscles in shape? Start out by contracting your muscles tight for about 10 seconds. Eventually, perform three sets of 20 kegels. But who has time for that? If you want the lazy way out that requires no pushing and no damage to your lady bits, take the C-section route. Then you don’t even have to do your kegels.
8In Bed All Day
You know what I wanted to do after childbirth? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wanted to lie in bed all day and just sleep and then sleep some more. I mean, who doesn’t love a good lounge day in bed – binge watching Netflix shows, eating all of your favorite snack foods, and getting cozy in the blankets. But after you have a baby naturally, people expect that since you’re a wonder woman and can push out a baby then you are probably strong enough to get up about your daily chores too. And we don’t want anyone assuming that, now do we?
If you really want to take advantage of some serious hang out time in bed, just get the C-section already. No one is going to argue that you deserve the right to lie in bed for 8 weeks after a major surgery. Hello lazy staycation in bed.
7Too Posh To Tote
Transporting a newborn involves a lot of work and a lot of heavy lifting. First, there’s the awkward to handle yet super heavy car seat carrier. Seriously, how is an 8 pound baby transform into a lead ball as soon as you put it in the car seat? So heavy! Second, you’ve got the overflowing diaper bag filled with diapers, wipes, spare outfits, pacifiers, burp clothes, rattles, nursing cover, spare bottles, gripe water, nose suction bulb, thermometer, baby medicine, a list of doctors phone numbers, and the list goes on. Add a stroller to the mix and that is a lot of gear to tote around.
If you want to get out of baby gear toting duty, just have a C-section. Since there’s a weight limit on what you can lift after a surgery, you’ll get a pass to skip out on carrying all that stuff. Pretty sweet deal.
6One More Delivery
Pushing out a baby is obviously a must if you opt for a V birth, but you know what else you also have to push out? The placenta! That’s right – your job isn’t over when the baby’s born. You still have more work to do, more pushing, and even more contractions to deal with. On average, the placenta can take anywhere from 10 minutes to one hour to be delivered. I don’t know about you, but once I push a baby out, I don’t want to even hear the word “push” for years… let alone just mere minutes after my baby is born!
But there is a way to get out of delivering the placenta – you guessed it – a C-section. No need to push out one of your organs; the doctor will remove it for you. He does all the work. Isn’t that nice?
There’s two kinds of people in the world: the over achievers who work out every single day and don’t let things like sleep derail their habit and then there’s the other kind of people who count “walking to my car” as their daily cardio. Birth also falls into these two categories. There’s the mamas who choose the harder, longer, and more intense workout (the “natural” birthers) and then there’s the lazy mamas who want to get the workout over with as quickly as possible.
While a natural birth can last for hours (seriously even 20+ hours), a C-section birth takes about 55 minutes. If you’re wondering how that timing works, it’s about 10 minutes for the baby to be born and another 45 to stitch everything back up. So you tell me: do you want a labor that lasts into the double digit hours? Or do you want one that takes way less time?
4False Labor? No Problem
When you finally think “it’s time” and you head into the hospital, it is a big deal – emotionally. You finally think “this is it, I’m going to meet my baby soon.” You have your bag, you’ve dropped off your other kids with Grandma, and you’ve got everything together. Then, the doctor says, “It’s false labor. Come back when contractions pick back up.” What?
That is a lot of work to haul your pregnant self back home, pick up your kids, carry your hospital bag inside. And this false labor scare could happen again! If you want to ensure that you don’t have to deal with any of this back and forth to the hospital business, just have a caesarian. No one gets turned away from a C-section because of false labor; only those natural birthers run back and forth to the hospital like a sad game of red rover.
3Double The Trouble
Remember how I mentioned all that arduous stuff about giving birth vaginally like pushing, contractions, the ring of fire, and delivering the placenta? Well, that whole time I was talking about just birthing a singleton. Imagine doing all of that WITH TWINS! That means pushing out two babies, dealing with two rings of fire, and delivering two placentas! Yikes, that’s enough to make any women’s lady bits sore just thinking about it. If birthing one baby is hard, delivering two at once must be even harder. And 56% of twin moms give birth to both babies vaginally – that’s just craziness.
The 40% of twin moms who have planned c-sections know that taking the lazy way out will spare them double the trouble in the delivery room. (And what about the last 4%? Yikes, those poor moms had to have one of each: a V birth and a c-section! Should’ve just stuck to 100% C-section.)
2No Time Wasted Sitting
For anyone that has endured a vaginal birth and/or tearing and/or an episiotomy, a sitz bath can be your best friend. Sitz baths also help provide relief from hemorrhoids. Even though it has a funny sounding name (sit in a sitz), the concept is pretty simple: a warm shallow bath to soak your perineum and speed up healing.
But using a sitz bath isn’t for the lazy. You have to warm your water, set up the bath, hang the pouch of warm water, and then you have to sit for about 20 minutes. Then, when you’re all done, you have to wash your sitz bath immediately since uh… your naked butt just sat in it.
However, if you’re too lazy to mess around with a sitz bath, opt for a C-section and your perineum won’t even need a sitz bath thank you very much.
1TL;DR Birth Story
The minute you pop that baby out, everyone and their cousin wants to hear all about your birth story, and you’ll find that many women don’t mind sharing every gory detail about their triumphant feat. Women even share these birth stories – in great detail – in their due date clubs online. Trying to remember every detail can be mental draining, especially if you’re in no-sleep mode. Beyond just trying to remember all the details, finding the time to type it all up is a feat in itself especially since some women need to recall 20 hours of details.
But the C-section mamas have it made; their birth stories are always in the TL;DR format aka they always super short. “They cut me open, and pulled my baby out. They sewed me back up and voila childbirth is over.” It doesn’t take long to retell that story and it certainly doesn’t take long to type out. Lazy storytelling at its best.
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