Pregnant women struggle with many issues while growing people. Swollen feet, morning sickness, and back pain are a just a few, but there are others that mom may not be familiar with. Horrible heartburn, extreme exhaustion, and farts that can peel paint from the walls are a few others that are super fun.
Gas during pregnancy offers flatulence to the extreme. The location of the baby means a person sits not only on our bladders but also on our colons. Our digestive system is moving slower, not processing food as fast as usual, giving our bodies plenty of time to fill up with gas. Plus, we eat a lot during pregnancy, feeding our cravings to keep ourselves sane for nine months. Add all of this up, and mom will feel like she is a tooting machine that never goes off.
Pregnancy gas usually gets worse as the pregnancy continues, and moms have found themselves in embarrassing situations due to uncontrollable gas. Ideally, mom can remove herself from a crowded room before letting one rip, but life is not always ideal. Pregnant women may not even know in time that they need to make an exit since pregnancy gas is notoriously sneaky.
When mom can't escape, the least she can do is deflect blame. No one wants to be caught stinking up a room, and when we're pregnant, we really don't want to draw any more attention to ourselves than is necessary. Everybody is already asking us stupid questions about how far along we are. The last thing we need is for them to start giving us the stink eye because of gas.
15 Blame Kids
Why do we have children? Because they are precious and we want to spend our lives raising them to be kind, loving human beings who lead meaningful lives. Also, we can blame them when we fart.
If mom has older kids, getting through pregnancy gas while pregnant should be a cinch. Every time mom toots, she can give her child a disgusted look and shake her head in disapproval. The implication is that the child did it, obviously. Kids toot all the time, and they usually don't even pay attention to when they do. They probably won't even argue when mom shifts blame to them.
Make sure the child isn't a fan of calling mom out just for fun. That's one way this plan can backfire. It's also important to stand close enough to the child that they can be considered a viable option.
14 Bark First
There is a saying that the guilty dog barks first, but few people actually believe a pregnant woman will bring up the awful smell of gas if she's the one who did it. Surprise them! Confuse them! Be the first one to say, "Whoever is farting in a roomful of people is disgusting!" They will never believe it's mom if that is the way she calls it out.
Instead of putting on an innocent face or looking nervous as yet another toot flies into the air, mom needs to wrinkle her nose, shake her head, and act absolutely disgusted. She can even talk about how her heightened sense of smell is making the stink almost impossible to handle. Have fun with it!
Very few people will believe that the woman who is so offended by the farting smell is actually the one farting. It's a way to hide in plain sight.
13 Strategic Decorating
Box fans aren't just for keeping things cool. A box fan that can be angled certain directions or that oscillates is perfect for a woman who is in the comfort of her own home and needs to toot. She can have guests over and make sure that the fan is aimed in a way that will allow for the smell of toots to be dispersed around the room where no one will be able to track them back to her.
This is trickier if mom isn't at her home, but it can still work. If mom goes somewhere and sees fans, grab a place near them. It's easy to blame pregnancy hormones and being too hot for mom's desire to be close to moving air. No one will question mom or press for the real reason.
Make sure the fan blows evidence away from mom and doesn't allow people to easier trace the source of the stench.
12 Partner Jobs
A good question to ask when stuck in a dilemma is, what would Chrissy Teigen do? We are guessing that if Teigen needed a fall guy for pregnancy farts, she'd make it adorable husband, John Legend. We can't all be supermodels, but we can all blame our partners for gas smells.
Look, women have to carry the babies, nurse the babies, deal with stretch marks from having the babies. It's totally fair to throw some of the uncomfortable items off on our partners. They should be glad they can help us during this trying time and even asking for ways they can make our lives easier. A baby is not going to pop out of their private parts, so they can take one for the team and just say the nasty farts are on them.
It's such a small thing to ask for mom to avoid some humiliation. We are nude during labor with doctors, nurses, and interns staring at our privates for hours. We deserve a break on this one.
11 Never Be An Island
Keep the girls close, and stay in crowded rooms. This may sound like the opposite of what mom needs to do, but if flatulence is a problem, mom does not want to be in one-on-one situations often. It's hard to hide a poot when there are only a limited amount of people to blame.
Large crowds offer mom a plethora of people to blame, or she can simply launch her gas and make an exit. A full grocery aisle, a crowded room, or any other packed place will make it hard for anyone to pin the horrible scent on mom.
If mom can't stay in a crowd, then go solo. There's freedom in being able to pass gas freely without concern over where the scent lands. A one-on-one interaction makes this near impossible. Go to a big party or stay home and watch Netflix. There's no in between.
10 Woman's Best Friend
Dogs are cute and cuddly, and they also can't speak. They are absolutely perfect for when mom hits that phase during pregnancy where everything she eats causes gas. If it stinks, blame the dog. If the toot was a bit noisy, blame the dog. Just keep the dog close, and all the flatulence issues are solved.
Dogs don't mind being blamed, but if mom feels guilty, she can offer extra treats and snuggles as payback. Since dogs are supposed to be a human's best friend, it makes sense that they would take one for the team to help us feel better. Plus, dog farts do really stink, so no one will have a problem believing that the dog did it.
Other animals can be blamed as well, such as cats, hamsters, or any other animal that is large enough to put off a scent or sound when tooting.
9 Labor Fake Out
One way to draw attention away from a small issue is to create a big one. For instance, if mom is afraid those around her know that she tooted, she can fake a contraction to make them think about something else quickly.
Leaning over and grabbing the stomach when pregnant doesn't make people think mom tooted. It immediately makes them fear she is going to have her baby on their foot. The flatulence will be forgotten as bystanders wonder if they need to call a doctor or wait it out.
Mom can then say that it was just a Braxton Hicks contraction and walk away. Everyone will be relieved, and they won't remember that just moments before they were wondering if she had dropped a nasty toot in the middle of a crowd. It's a dramatic diversion technique, but the effectiveness of this approach cannot be denied.
8 Fake A Cold
Mom will probably notice extra snot and mucus are a part of her life while pregnant. This is because of hormone fluctuations, and she can use this to her advantage. If mom realizes too late that the toot she thought was going to be quiet is actually going to sound like a bomb going off, she can have a little coughing fit, blaming all the extra mucus taking over her throat and nose. If the toot doesn't stink, she might just get away with it.
This has to be timed appropriately to work, but when it does the sound of the toot will be drowned out by the coughing. Bystanders will offer mom water and tissues, not at all aware that she just launched a surprise attack.
This is only effective if the smell doesn't give mom away. There's always the option of coughing to cover the sound and then running straight to the bathroom, presumably to get tissues. This will help cover all signs of mom as the culprit
7 Water Works
Pregnant women are expected to be emotional, and they have every right to be. Hormones are all over the place, they are uncomfortable, and they have to go through some major pain to get the baby inside of them into the outside world. It's overwhelming.
Crying is also a good distraction when mom is afraid she's about to be called out for tooting. Breaking into spontaneous tears is a way to draw attention from what mom did to how she feels, and only a heartless person would point out that a crying pregnant woman just farted.
It's not hard to conjure tears while pregnant. Thinking about the upcoming sleep deprivation or the tearing that can take place during delivery should do it. Once mom is crying, those around her will either avoid her altogether if they are not cool with all the big feelings, or they will work to comfort her. Either way, fart forgotten.
6 Blame The Pee
Women are expected to pee while pregnant, and it's not a secret that they don't always make it to the bathroom. If mom thinks she is about to be outed for flatulence, fake a pee accident instead. How is this less embarrassing? Mom doesn't actually have to pee her pants or even say she did. She can simply look shocked and run to the bathroom after muttering, "I have to pee RIGHT NOW!"
This will create a distraction, and everyone will have moved on from the tooting by the time she makes her way back to the conversation. Plus, most people are too embarrassed to make fun of a woman who has a baby sitting on her bladder. Even if mom is afraid she'll now take flack for the pee excuse instead of the farting, it likely won't happen.
Again, diversions are key. Make them count.
5 Do Something Gross
Public farting is gross, but loud belching is not quite as bad. Sure, it's not great etiquette, but burping is not as bad as farting, mainly because a belch comes from the mouth and a fart comes from the tush. Farts also tend to smell much worse.
If mom feels like she has to toot, she can let out a loud belch at the same time and then laugh about the crazy pregnancy heartburn. People will either be able to relate or they will be too shocked to realize that the belch wasn't even the worst thing that just happened.
Either way, mom is off the hook for the toot, and burping is more of a misdemeanor offense. Not everyone will appreciate it, but if they knew what mom had done at the same time, they'd be grateful they thought it was simply a toot.
4 Be A Walking Febreeze Ad
Women who are pregnant are more acutely aware of scent, so it would be easy to explain why a pregnant woman walked around with air freshener at the ready. She can say that if something offends her senses, she always has air freshener to spray around her so the smells won't make her gag.
It's important for mom to look for the least chemical-laden products on the market if she wants to use this technique, because she may have to spray whatever she chooses often. When mom toots, she can simply whip out her air freshener and say there is a scent that is making her ill and start spraying.
By the time anyone around her realizes what has happened, she has eliminated all of the evidence. If mom is a noisy tooter, this might not work, but for the silent but deadly type, this could be a win.
3 Play Possum
When at home or in an environment that allows it, mom can simply pretend to be asleep. If she toots and then realizes her spouse or family is looking around for a culprit, she can close her eyes and later explain that pregnancy can mean falling asleep at any minute.
With mom asleep, no one will know for sure if she tooted or not, and if she did she can't be blamed because she was asleep. It's not like she did it on purpose! It's important for mom to be good at looking exhausted at all times for this to work, something that most pregnant women are pros at very quickly.
If anyone does connect the tooting to mom, she can just laugh about it later and talk about how she can't believe she does that while resting. It will all look very innocent, and mom won't have to deal with the immediate humiliation.
2 Live In Isolation
The opposite of staying surrounded by crowds is for mom to exile herself, staying alone as much as possible so she won't have to deal with judgment over flatulence. Many women don't want to leave the house much after a certain point of the pregnancy because waddling is hard on the back. Mom will also tire out easily and want to conserve her energy for when the baby arrives.
Moms who are just too embarrassed by the thought of farting in public might do well with this option. It's isolating, but it means mom won't have to worry about public embarrassment if it really bothers her that much.
Mom can also limit her interactions to a few trusted friends who she isn't afraid to share her situation with. Friends or family members who have been pregnant before will understand. They won't judge her for being human.
1 Go For Confession
Seriously, when a woman is pregnant, she doesn't need an excuse for what her body does. She can fart and everyone else can just deal with it. With all of the swelling and weight gain, as well as all the crazy aches and pains that come with growing a person, mom is a hero for not losing her mind. If she needs to feel better by passing gas, she should just do it.
If anyone says anything to mom about the sounds or scents of her toots, she can just tell them that being pregnant isn't a picnic. She doesn't have to feel embarrassed or make excuses. Every human being in the world toots whether they are pregnant or not, and pregnant women get a free pass for all bodily functions.
Just confess to passing gas and move past it. If mom doesn't make a big deal about it, no one else will either.