I was a skinny pregnant woman...at first. I remember worrying that I'd never be able to get pregnant because I fought so hard to put on any weight. Ah, those were the days! I did get pregnant eventually, and three times successfully. And I did gain the requisite 20 to 25 pounds. I wanted to gain the weight for one major reason; the baby! I had no fears then about ballooning out of control or being fat while pregnant. I didn't consider that to be fat; it was baby and baby's carry-on luggage I was lugging around.
Today there's a movement to have a belly the size of a walnut and somehow keep a waistline. People are hardcore about it, too. Wearing contraptions, exercising as if they are about to go on a crosscountry run in that they must run across the entire country. They eat micro portions and do cleanses. Personally, I did preggo aerobics half-heartedly for a few months, walked and took the stairs often, and ate a lot of potato chips, French toast and baked potatoes swimming in butter and sour cream.
I did give up soda, or pop as we call it, for the entire first pregnancy, and for the first trimester of the second and third pregnancies. But I didn't even get on a scale unless required to until the baby's first birthday. I was determined to enjoy my babies, my changing body and my time. Losing weight would happen in good time. And it did! For those on a different track, these tongue-in-cheek tips are for you!
15 Only Have Haters For Friends
Kim K, Jessica Simpson and even Beyonce have been slammed for getting a little heavier than some of the public thought best. But I'm sure all that added pressure and emotional pain was good for their character, and served as amazing motivation to whip themselves back into shape.
Truly, if you are pregnant and concerned that you might really let yourself blow up, the best thing you can do is enlist some skinny, nitpicking friends who will post unflattering pics of you online and make thinly veiled sarcastic swipes at you. All in love, of course! They just want you to be the most fabulous you possible. And they don't want to be seen with a friend who's a fatty! Nothing will get you fired up to watch your weight more than a backbiting friend who rocks size 0.5. That's right; not even a 1 - a half!
14 Follow A Special Diet
Counting calories, measuring out portions, adding up nutrients. So much work and why? Forget all that and just go with your gut. Actually, go directly against your gut and only eat foods you hate. Gag on broccoli? It's on the menu! Always hated fish? That's your every other day protein source. Sweet potatoes give you tummy aches? Have them every Tuesday through the first trimester. By choosing to only eat foods you hate, you never have to worry about overeating. It will never happen!
In fact, there's an excellent chance you will lose weight, even after the wave of first trimester nausea passes. Sure, you can have a "cheat day" once in a while, when you eat stuff you actually like. Avoid the stuff you truly love, though. Just be sure that it's a little off; as in one day before the deli throws it out, or it's not spoiled but it's definitely stale. That will limit your indulgence easily.
13 Always Take the Stairs
Always, always take the stairs. Going to the 12th floor, pack a lunch (of food you hate, of course) and start out early so you have time. Ignore the panting; you'll be fine! Not enough of a challenge for a hardcore fitness buff like yourself? Then jog on the escalator. Still not enough? Then go up the down side. Call it specific resistance training or something. I'd wear sensible shoes, so nothing over a 2 inch heel, just because at some point you may have trouble despite all your sacrifice and work seeing your feet.
You don't want to get trapped in an elevator. Park at the far end of the lot and walk your swollen feet to the front door. Always make it about the journey, not the destination. Make your journey as long, hard and arduous a workout as possible. Yes, you will be late and sweaty frequently, but that's the price we pay for pregnant skinny!
12 Believe In Magical Realism...AKA PhotoShop
We live in a weird time and society. You just can't be perfect enough, and growing a little human inside you is absolutely no excuse for imperfection. If this bikini model needed this much clean up, what hope do real people have--you know, those people who fear bikini shots? So you know when you read a novel and you suspend disbelief to enjoy those pages, adopt that attitude while pregnant. Believe in the power of photo editing. Embrace the power. Use the power! Be like Kim, Beyonce and the rest and remove the cellulite, bumps and make that thigh gap unnaturally huge.
If you can't remove it all in real life, then live through Instagram and post your altered and new reality. If someone questions why you look so different in real life, scrunch up your nose and tell them you had a Coke and are bloating.
11 Get A Surrogate
Loads of celebs have done it. Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick; Tyra Banks, Elizabeth Banks, Ellen Pompeo and now Kimye. Sometimes it is definitely due to age, or it can be due to health issues. Or it can be, as one supposes, due to the inordinate demands on the bodies of rich, yet corruptible bodies, and the need to be perfect in Hollywood. So...this is the perfect answer for those out there who cannot bear the burden of pregnancy weight. Get a surrogate to carry your baby for you.
You can have an embryo implanted that came from your loved one's sperm and your egg; or your egg and mystery man sperm; or some other combination. You can work out to the nth degree, drink all the Margaritas you want, and even fire up a doobie and no worries! You can stay a size 2 all pregnancy long.
10 Go OLD School And Get A Corset
Corsets were all the rage in Victorian society. There were even pregnancy ones, because a baby is a poor reason for being overweight! Today there are celebs who endorse the corset, or "waist-training" lifestyle. Jessica Alba said she worse a DOUBLE corset day and night after baby, for three whole months. Kim Kardashian wears corsets, as does sis Khloe. Other waist nipping celebs include Lindsay Lohan, Ciara, and Amber Rose.
So why wait until after baby is born? I mean, yeah, baby will probably have abnormally sized organs and come out looking like a peanut, but you can get that all fixed via plastic surgery later, right? Or if not, photoshop the kid to look right. What's important is that you keep an unrealistically thin frame throughout pregnancy so you can be admired and reviled at the same time.
9 Kate's Magic Formula--Hyperemesis Gravidarum
All the world oohed and ahhed over trim Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and her sleek, always appropriate maternity attire. (Hear that last part, Kim?) Surely you wondered what her secret was to looking so svelte and feminine while expecting the mini-royals. Two words; hyperemesis gravidarum. Also known as extreme morning sickness, she was so sick she had to be hospitalized during pregnancy and like many with the condition, she didn't get off the hook at the end of the first trimester.
Many women with HG are sick from conception to birth. What could be a better appetite control aid than that? Not so lucky as to have extreme morning sickness? Well, try to make do with your regular ickiness of first trimester, and keep the pounds off that way.
8 Attend Hot Yoga-Spinning-Lamaze Class
Sometimes you have to seek out the best workouts while pregnant. Anybody can do a little perspiration-soaked stretches and chorus-line looking aerobics. But you want to be an itty-bitty preggo, so you must go harder. Try any workout that is geared to you being able to kick ass at the end of the class. That should work. Also, if you can combine as many workouts into one as possible, that's even better.
Consider pretending to be an Army Ranger, a Navy Seal or even a Ninja Warrior for the duration of the gestation. Pull your slow Prius with your mighty thighs. Deadlift the eco-box afterwards for a full workout. Jogging isn't good enough; run full out, by having sufficient motivation. Maybe have your mother-in-law chase you with recipes you need to make for her little boy.
7 Eliminate Harmful Foods From Your Diet
Of course, we all know that besides staying looking trim and slim, the other important thing to consider in pregnancy is eating healthy. To that end, you should avoid certain things such as drinking alcohol or popping pills, or snorting whatever is big this week. But you should also avoid certain foods. Examples include sugar, gluten, wheat and red meat. Also, animal products, dyes or preservatives. My recommendation is to suck natural peppermints and lick trees.
If you are having legitimate hunger pains, you can go ahead and chew on small saplings. Just be careful, because maples obviously have more calories than say aspens. Of course, everyone knows that! Also, drink only nonfat milk that is organic and comes from cows that are kept on treadmills day and night.
6 Make Sure You Walk Everywhere; Sell Your Car
Of course, walking is one of the best exercises for anyone, including preggo ladies. But you might be tempted to get lazy and get in a car, even an Uber, or gasp! a bus. Help fight off that temptation by doing something rather drastic. Sell your car! That's right, sell off your wheels and use your feet. If it's too far to walk there for it, you probably didn't really need it.
And think about how much money you'll be able to save for your liposuction procedure and tummy tuck after the baby, with not having to buy insurance, gas or make car payments. Win, win and win again! Plus, you can tell people you're trying to save the planet, when really you know it's just that you're trying to save your waistline.
5 Set Wardrobe Limits
Much like selling your car forces you to walk places, making self-imposed wardrobe limits will keep you more than motivated to stay thin. Here's how it works. Pull out your favorite pair of fat jeans. Now, resolve that you will not buy anything bigger than those jeans. Ever. Not in second trimester, or the final one. Not after baby is born.
You must never get so big that you cannot slide yourself into those fat jeans. No maternity wear for you! That's for lame people who are not committed to the program of skinny pregnancies. You will never look more than a little pre-period bloated throughout pregnancy if you abide by this simple trick. Not fair letting out seams or using ropes or bungee cords as belts, either! Sure, people will say it's unhealthy. They are merely haters; ignore them.
4 Try A Little Ingenuity
This idea is a little out of the box, pardon the pun. You remember those space saver bags "as seen on TV," where you stuff an entire season of clothing into a plastic bag and then put your vacuum attach on it and suck out all the extra air? Get an extra large variety bag and stuff yourself inside, except your head, of course! That'd be dangerous and silly! Then have your probably-all-too-willing spouse, do the vacuuming.
Voila! Thinner you, space saved you! It may take a few weeks of dutifully doing this, everyday before you see the results, but stick with it. It'll eventually make those pounds from your posterior melt away. Sometimes you have to be innovative. Mother of invention and all that, but for real!
3 Drastic Measures Call For Fasting
They say you can expect to see a lot of that pregnancy weight gain glomp onto you around the third trimester. So why not outthink your body, and avoid that concentration of fat? A surefire way to lose weight is to avoid eating altogether. It's called fasting and many people do it for religious reasons, or because their boyfriend dumped them. Whichever. But you'll be doing it for a higher purpose; for staying thin!
It's supposed to keep those calories at bay while flushing out harmful toxins. Probably the toxins from the box of Ho-Hos you sneaked into bed last week. Just slam glass of water after glass of water. Maybe pop a low fat vitamin if you are worried that Junior will be deprived, and keep with it. Should you see things that aren't really there, like a desert-trek mirage, don't worry. Those should disappear once you have solid food again in a few months.
2 Don't Eat For Two!
It's an old and outdated adage, saying while pregnant you are eating for two. A baby doesn't require a full adult serving of anything, so the saying is clearly a stupid one. Instead, I say aim for eating for 0.5. That's right; a half! You are fighting the fat, which means you can't be eating like normal, which is for one. And the baby doesn't need a whole portion, we already covered that.
So aiming for 0.5 seems perfect, at least if you want to be a tiny pregnant woman. You want to look like you are harboring an almond, not a watermelon, under that shirt, right? Then set your portions appropriately! Eating for two is as passe as saying, "The baby comes first." Yeah, right!
1 Hire A Personal Trainer And Doula
Be ahead of the trends and do what is sure to catch on soon. Hire a personal trainer/doula. That way you can have someone pushing your personal limits physically while trying to comfort you in labor. She can apply warm compresses to your perineum while you do squats. She can rub your back while you do a set of 50 lunges. Use a medicine ball/birth ball to handle your muffin top and Braxton Hick's contractions.
It's a perfect solution, and sure to save you some money, too. You can run a 2k while in early labor, and she can alternate chiding you for slacking and praising you for hanging in there. All the celebs will be hopping on this trend. Guaranteed. If only you could find a personal trainer/doula/plastic surgeon. Now that would be ideal!