Grief and trauma effect us all at some point unless we are incapable of experiencing these types of emotions. Losing any loved one is heart wrenching.
Watching someone about to die is traumatizing and sticks with us. We are born into our families and we don't get to choose who are Mom and Dad will be. We don't get to pick our siblings. We just become a family unit.
My 6-year-olds have been telling me who loves who in their grade. I often wonder what they define love as. Is it a game they play on the playground like tag or hide-n-seek. Does playing house turn into actually picking a potential family member for the future.
As we grow, this word love takes on a totally different meaning for each one of us. Then there is that one love. The love of someone's life. The one they pick to marry, and have babies with, and grow old together. So, they get married and pregnant and all seems right in the world up until the day of their child's birth.
Things aren't going as planned. Where is that damn birth plan I have been working so hard on anyway. Why isn't the music mix that I anguished over being played while I am in labor and why all of a sudden is everyone freaking out?
What happens when things don't go as planned and one partner is left with a hole in his heart and a baby in his arms. Here are some confessions from men who have lived through it and were brave enough to Whisper about it.
15 A Tragic Delivery
As this Mama was going through these pregnancies and miscarriages, so was her man.
He also has two babies who were lost due to miscarriage. He similarly carries the heartache. He went through the pain and then he finally had the chance to experience the joy of his wife carrying their baby full term.
He talks lovingly about how excited she was to finally have her first child. He was most likely also feeling this love. Then all of that joy was snatched from both of them. He is lucky to have his beautiful newborn and to honor his wife by nurturing the life she wanted to bring earth side with all of her being.
This man must be feeling a full spectrum of emotions. He gained a child and lost a wife. He lost the woman he vowed to spend the rest of his life with but sounds like he was with her through better and for worse. What a fine example to set for his child.
14 An Honest Confession
Well this is an honest confession.
I recently heard a man speaking about his family and he straight out told the crowd that he loved his children but he loved his wife a little bit more than them. He wasn’t joking. He spoke about all that she did for him and all that she meant to him. That stuck with me.
Some men don’t have a choice as to who they would save. The man who made this confession did however, vow to love his wife until death do they part. He vowed to walk to the end of time with her. He loved her deeply. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love his daughter.
It just means that he loved his wife a little bit more. His honesty is commendable and he’s probably confessing what many men are thinking but feel too ashamed to say out loud.
13 Just Like His Mother
This Mama got her dying wish. She made the choice that she wanted her son’s life to be a priority over her own. Many women don’t get that opportunity. My Dad always says that he would rather die doing something he loves than die slowly losing his mind in a nursing home. This woman died for someone she loved. Let’s face it, as mom’s, many of us would give up our lives for our children any day. We are just lucky enough not to have to make the choice.
This Father raised his son alone in a way that honored his wife’s memory. Any mother who hears that her child is just like her is a proud Mama, unless she’s got major issues. But I’m sure that this father is referring to his child embodying all of the positive qualities that his wife passed on.
As for this man’s feeling of being alone and hurting it sounds like it time for him to start working on himself.
12 His Wife's Twin
I don’t know how I feel about this. I am stuck in the middle and see the twisted part of this and the caring part of it too.
First the twisted, this woman lost her twin sister and shacked up with her man. This is not only a betrayal of girl code but also a dishonor to her sister. Also how would twin #2 feel with the knowledge that she was second choice?
On the other hand, they are keeping it in the family. I mean, who better to trust your child with than your own sister. This child will grow up with a clear understanding or who her mother was and what she was like…unless they hide it from her.
11 "She's Not My Daughter"
Every choice we make has a ripple effect.
So, in this situation doing the dirty, led to pregnancy, which led to the death of the girlfriend, which led to the choice to put the baby up for adoption, which ended with a father’s ultimate rejection of this child. I see adoption as a compassionate act by someone who is not yet to be a parent. For whatever reason they have the opportunity to make another family’s wish to have a baby come true.
At some point this man decided he did not want a daughter or wasn’t ready for one. Years later he still doesn’t want a daughter and isn’t ready for one. He has made his wishes known. No matter how harsh they may seem, he is being honest. Think of how many children live with parents who abuse and neglect them. At least this child was given a change to be raised by parents who truly wanted her. Sometimes the truth hurts.
10 When Two Lives Are Lost
My eyes are tearing up and my heart is breaking a little.
In this world of hidden feelings and hardened hearts it is moving to hear a man express his feelings. To admit that we are lonely can sometimes be tough. This man has lost so much and is still grieving a year later. He will most likely be grieving for a long time to come. That pain doesn’t go away overnight.
Some people make hasty choices when they are grieving to bury their pain deep down inside. Sounds like this Daddy has an honest and open heart and hopefully, one day when he is ready, he will find love again. He lost not only his wife and son, but also the dream that they had shared for their future.
9 To Move On Or Not To Move On?
You waited three years!!
Yes, it is perfectly fine for you to want to have a new partner now. I have to say, if I died, I’d want to be remembered for a good long while. I also would want my partner and child to have a fulfilling life, even if it was without me. You will know when the time is right. You will feel it. You may have some dating blunders along the way, avoid Tinder and Plenty of Fish like the plague.
Even when people get divorced there comes a time when they are ready to move on. Honoring your wife’s memory for 3 years is admirable and respectable. Having said that, you don’t want to end up being the elderly gentleman out a restaurant eating dinner with a photo of his deceased wife, do you?
8 The Rock Of The Family
I’m not going to be good enough. How many times as parents do we feel like we are not doing good enough. For us mothers, we call it Mommy Guilt. We give our all and it never feels like enough. I’m sure men have Daddy Guilt although I haven’t heard any men speak of it. Maybe they only speak about it at poker games or confessionals.
This guy is in shock. He lost his wife 24 hours ago. He will do his best like we all do and he and his baby will end up fine. Just the fact that he is concerned that he won’t be good enough shows that he cares enough to want to be the best Dad he can be.
If this woman was his guide and rock maybe she was the more dominant partner. When we go on a tour we have a guide who shows us around, they teach us about the unfamiliar and when the tour is over our guides and us go separate ways. It’s cool that he had a woman whom he refers to as a rock and guide. I know many men would have choice words for their wives if they died and I’m sure they wouldn’t be quite as nice.
7 How To Tell The Kids?
Father: My lovely daughter please sit. There is something I need to tell you.
Daughter: Okay Daddy can I sit on your lap?
Father: Of course, dear. I know this is a day and a moment that neither one of us ever will forget.
Daughter: I don’t forget anything Daddy I even remembered to feed Herbert this morning.
Father: Well, good then. I need to talk to you about your Mama.
Daughter: Umm hmm
Father: I’m sure you notice that Mama did not come home with baby and I
Daughter: Where is she? I miss her
Father: I miss her too. Pause and deep breath.
Father: She would be here if she could. Do you remember how she always told you that she loved you to the moon and back?
Father: Well my beautiful child your mother’s soul was forced to leave her body unexpectedly. She couldn’t stop it from happening. She didn’t have a choice but her soul left her body and she is on a journey. She is keeping her promise to you and loving you to the moon and back. She is now in the air you breathe, and the sun that shines, and in your smile.
Daughter: Is she in my nose and mouth?
Father: She is everywhere right now and she always will be.
Daughter: But I don’t see her.
Father: You may not see her now but you will. You will see her in your dreams and in your memories.
Daughter: Can we go on the journey with her?
Father: One day, but not today.
6 A Meeting That Will Never Take Place
How insightful and compassionate for a four-year-old to be thinking about the needs of her little brother.
Although this Daddy has to work through his own grief, he is also responsible for the emotional wellbeing of two little ones. Sounds like he is doing a great job finding that balance between healing and parenting. It certainly is sad that this child will never meet his mom.
On the positive side, this whisper oozes with love and having that familial support during this transition will be a powerful for the entire family. There’s an openness and love in this little girl’s concern. She is lucky to be in a supportive environment where she can express herself so freely. This Daddy lost a lot but he certainly has a lot to live for.
5 Someone Else Out There
Those women are out there.
There are those of us who are still single and we love with all of our hearts. We may have wounds just like you but when we love it is a type of love that is all encompassing. When we are parents who are dating, we will only accept people into our lives who will love our kids the way that all children need to be loved.
Many times, dating another parent is a good way to find someone with the parenting gene and the capability to understand what it takes to be a good role model for a child. The fact that you are taking your wife into consideration when finding a partner shows that you are a good person. Just remember, like attracts like. Give the type of love you wish for your son and yourself to receive.
4 The Missing Mother Figure
As women, while we learn and grow, we naturally seek out other women who can help us and teach us. Sure finding a wife for the widower would be ideal, but there are many more opportunities for girls to find strong female role models. As she grows, she can look to other relatives. She can turn to her friend’s mothers. She will learn from her teachers. If she joins clubs geared towards girls she will learn from the leaders. If she learns sports, she will have strong athletic women as role models. Each relationship we encounter shapes who we are. I used to be a Big Sister for Big Brothers Big Sisters. The possibilities for female role models can be met through many means.
Having said all that, this father doesn’t need to feel the need to go and partner up for his daughter’s sake. I’m sure being a single dad to a girl isn’t the most comfortable thing especially with learning about her growing body and noticing the differences between her body and her Dad’s. Being a single parent to either gender isn’t easy. But yes Daddy, by all means, if you are ready its perfectly acceptable to move on.
3 21 Years Later
This story has truly come full circle. It embodies the cycle of life and what joy can come out even during the most hardest of times.
This daughter lost her mother during childbirth, was raised by her father, then met her own true love, and had her Daddy walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. Oh, and apparently she’s gorgeous just like the wife he remembers. Things worked out for her.
As for the father his undying love for his deceased wife and candid memories of her beauty are heartwarming. My guess is that with such a beautiful Whisper he has also lived a full life, or we can hope so.
2 Single College Dad
How heart breaking it must be for anyone that loses someone they love during childbirth.
Although this guy was expecting his life to change he had to deal with the pain of it changing in an unfavorable way. He is in college. His girlfriend just died. He has a newborn to care for. This conjures up memories from recent sitcoms like, “Baby Daddy or Raising Hope.”
For various reasons these naive gentlemen are left with the all-encompassing job of being a single Dad. If you haven’t seen either of these shows and are looking for a good laugh check them out on Netflix.
Whatever the reason, suddenly being a single parent is an event that turns your life upside down. So, for this Dad, he may not see many Frat Parties in his near future. He may also find it challenging to study amidst the grief and baby mayhem.
1 When Words Cannot Describe
Devastation is such a strong and appropriate word.
I recently watched a large building implode and when I think of devastation I think of this implosion. The planning, the count down, the destruction, the rubble that was left, and the fresh new start for another building to be built.
No person could ever be equated with an implosion but the imagery surrounding it fits this loss. The delivery was planned, the labor began, something went terribly wrong, the mama sacrificed herself for the greater good of the child. The pain and shock were left after the loss. However, in the end, there was a new baby, who had survived.
He was looking at the world with fresh new eyes and amidst the destruction he was experiencing a fresh new start. Much love to to this father and child and a happy future for both.