It's every child's Mount Everest -- getting their sticky little fingers on Mickey Mouse at a Disney resort. From the minute they escape the womb, that damn mouse is chirping about the miracle that is Disney. Kids are entranced and like dogs with bones. They won't give up until they set foot on that holy ground.
I was one of those kids that never went to Disney. Obviously, not everyone has an extra organ to sell on the black market to be able to afford the trip. I know it made my parents feel bad not being able to drop several thousand dollars to watch us drink $15 sodas and throw tantrums in public -- because every parent wants to provide their children with their dream vacation.
As a mother of four, I frequently end up Pinning Disney vacation tips and tricks and cross my fingers that one day I can work a miracle and make my kids dreams come true.
However, not all Disney trips are filled with darling princes and princesses. I know it's hard to imagine putting that much money and expectation into something, odds are there will be a little disappointment along the way. The lines are long, the food is expensive, the temperatures are extreme and there is a LOT of walking involved. All a recipe for children from hell.
Here are 15 anonymous Disney vacationers confessing on Whisper how their enchanted trips turned sour. This might help you feel a little bit better about not shelling out your IRA for a trip to Mickey's homeland:
There are millions of little girls around the world that dream of walking up to the sparkling Disney castle, decked in their very fluffiest princess dress, walking hand-in-hand with their favorite Disney icon -- would it be Ariel? Cinderella? Pocohantas? Darth Maul?
Oh, you mean there aren't a ton of girls, dressed as Jasmine who want to get into a physical altercation with the agile Sith Lord? Weird. Because, apparently Disney thinks it's appropriate enough to force children to battle one of the creepiest Star Wars characters of all time.
In all honesty, isn't the red-faced, serpent-eyed, horn-adorned villain a little much to have at Disneyland? This is where children go and mine have a hard enough time with talking parrots, let alone Satan himself.
Hopefully this once-little girl doesn't have PTSD from her Disney stay and doesn't run for her light saber every time she hears that iconic Disney jingle.
Oh, dads always think they are so funny when they are publicly humiliating you. As a child, there was nothing that turned my face a deeper shade of red than when my dad would do cookies in our farm truck in the high school parking lot.
However, sometimes our innocent dads cross that weird Dad line and get their butts in trouble. Or, in the case of this family, get their entire family blacklisted from the place every family wants to go: Disneyland.
I'm sure there were some words after this if Mom was on the trip. I can't imagine shelling out all that dough and my husband being a moron at the gate and we can't go in. I mean, you can see the glitter of the castle at that point.
I would need some serious marriage counseling after that. Not even kidding. Hell hath no fury like a mother robbed of a Disney vacation.
This would be something that would happen to me after scrimping every last penny to get to the resort. I would be doing everything in my power to ensure everyone was having fun. In doing so, I would over-estimate my motion sickness wherewithal and end up scarring my child for life.
My heart goes out to this poor mother. I am also a puker -- hence, why I don't do rides that whip me around in vicious circles begging that corn dog to return. I'm sure one kid was the odd man out and Mom tightened her fanny pack, popped a Dramamine and crossed her fingers.
Sad to say, she didn't win that gamble -- but the family does have a memory that will last a lifetime. Whether it's because it's a warm and fuzzy memory or an emotional scar is debatable. Either way, kudos to this mom for giving it a good ol' college try.
I have this intense fear that I will forget my child. You know, when things get stressful and out of routine and suddenly you're sweaty, overwhelmed and forgetful. So, odds are, I would relate to this mom who kept on schedule with her vacation without a vital part -- the child the vacation was planned for.
Poor Timmy was thinking his parents were spending this much moula to give him the time of his life. Little does he know, parents are just as excited about Disney (possibly moreso for Millenial parents) that they travel back in time to their youth and forget they're parents altogether.
Truly, any Disney resort is a proverbial time machine. Parents transform into children and want their pictures taken with Ariel more than their red-headed child they named after her. It truly is the happiest place on earth (for most) and let's just hope we don't leave anyone behind when we enjoy it.
You know how shows like "20/20" and "60 Minutes" love to travel to hotels with black lights and make us never want to sleep in a bed again? I bet if they took that black light to Disney and took a gander at the creepy crawly germs blasted on every surface at the parks, admission sales would plummet.
Germs from across the globe gather at Disney. I'm surprised a super bug hasn't been bred there, yet. Heck, maybe that is where all the deadly viruses come to be. When you have the perfect cocktail of viruses on thousands of handles and knobs, you're just asking for a zombie apocalypse.
So, let's just say it comes at a shock to none when we hear about this Disney vacationers bought with a mystery disease they contracted at the park. Take his advice and have hand sanitizer at the ready. Better yet, just dip your children in vats of it after every ride.
I can almost wrap my mind around a zombie apocalypse catalyst being born at Disney. What I can't wrap my mind around is how one could contract an STD at Disney without sleeping with a prince, or something. But, here this patron is, killing it.
Yes, apparently this poor soul tested positive for herpes after a passerby blasted his face with phlegm during an unprotected sneeze.
Let's all promise from here on out, when we are at theme parks or any sort of establishment that requires close contact with other people (I'm looking at you, elevators) -- can we cover our mouths when we sneeze? I'm aware we learned common courtesy somewhere around age 4, but let's just have a refresher course. Keep your bodily fluids to yourself.
First of all, aren't these people paid to walk around in costumes and take pictures with passerby? My heart hurts for this poor child who was snubbed by all things Disney.
As a mother, I have a boiling rage over this. If I am spending this much money to have a Disney Experience, I better damn well have the experience. If the entire cast of Snow White turned up their noses at my child there would be hell to pay.
I get it. It's your job and things get missed. However, there is no reason this child should have gone without a single damn character taking a picture with him.
Part of me wants to hire a Mickey Mouse to go to this guy's house and take pictures with him. Judging by the confession, though, that might be a trigger for some scarring childhood memories. Shame on all of you, Disney.
Well, alrighty then. On the flip-side of the previous secret, turns out Disney characters can do their jobs a little too well. That can definitely be said for this Belle, who managed to pull back the veil on the Disney hypnosis, when she tried to hookup with a dad.
I always wondered what it was like to be a princess at Disneyland. To have someone tell you that you look just like a princess has got to be quite the ego boost. Mix that with a park full of dad with princess fantasies and things are bound to get inappropriate time and again.
Let's just hope things didn't get too hot and heavy between this child's dad and Belle. Not just for the sake of this kid's childhood, but everyone at the park that day. After all, I don't think there are many at Disney who approve of R-rated material.
Now, this one is on you, lady. Who wears boots to Disneyland? Obviously, the walk from the parking lot to the entrance has got to be a hike, let alone parading around with children all day. Come on, Mom, pull it together.
I get it to some extent, though. Moms tend to worry about what their kids are wearing more than themselves. After their: shoes, hats, socks, appropriate walking shoes, sunscreen, potty breaks, etc., moms are lucky to swipe some deodorant under their pits and glimpse in the mirror.
So, word to the masses, if you're going to Disney, fashion is the least of your worries. You pack those old reliable tennis shoes and enjoy the trip. Otherwise, you might be renting a wheelchair like I'm sure this poor mother had to do. I'm sure she had a heck of a time trying to enjoy the rest of her vacation now that she has shin splints.
I wonder if there is an official Pee Cleaner-Upper at the Disney parks? If not, there sure should be. I can't imagine the amount of children attempting to hold their bladders in lines and not quite making it -- like this poor six-year old who, not only lost control, but witnessed all the passerby splashing in his urine.
It's safe to assume that being in California and Florida, if you're stepping in a puddle at Disney, it's more than likely pee. A puddle of rain is going to be gone in a literal hot second around there.
Perhaps people actually did know it was pee, but they were too exhausted and over stimulated to give two craps. I'm sure after a day of Disney, visitors become the walking dead and something as mediocre as urine isn't enough to make them care.
Either way, watch where you're walking. It's a war zone in there.
If you were wondering what is worse than standing in line for bathrooms at Disneyland in the scorching heat and then plopping down in a stew of other people's smells, it's having to repeat the process multiple times due to rancid diarrhea like this poor fool.
Not only did he have to poop the entire time, his sickness was Disney's fault. They fed him poison food and then forced him to stand in line with vicious intestinal cramps behind a kid that peed on the ground while waiting. It's like a discrete torture chamber that you paid thousands of dollars to be a victim to.
I would have to say, if I was crapping my brains out, I would go ahead and reschedule my Disney plans. I can't imagine it would ever turn out positive and you'd end up like this person who probably still gets phantom poop cramps when he watches children's movies.
This is quite devastating. In all the excitement, this child manages to twist her ankle while watching her family fade into the distance. Then, the horror of sobbing into a kind stranger's chest waiting for someone to notice you're missing.
Why on earth did the parents send a younger child to look for the missing one? Obviously, if you're having issues keeping track of your kids, sending more off into the crows isn't the brightest option. Also, having your ankle twisted and then having a smaller child carry you might be a recipe for a new injury, but I digress.
Let's just hope we can all learn from many parents mistakes at Disney. Be the obnoxious family with neon green, matching shirts, leashes and whistles. At least you know your kid isn't alone, crying, hurt and with a complete stranger. Thankfully, this was a kind stranger. This confession could have gone a lot more twisted if this child got into the wrong hands.
Disney resorts and heat exhaustion go hand in hand. You're: either in California or Florida where heat is aplenty, charged $10 for a water, walking miles, spent too much time in line to leave for a beverage and then bam you're passed out on the Teacups and Pocahontas is splashing water in your face.
Mix all of this with the fact that the rides broke down all day, sounds like Disney was pure Sucksville for this poor soul.
Imagine working customer service at Disney. I'm sure that's a real joyride. Mothers who have clipped coupons for years in order to afford the damn tickets with heat exhaustion and broken rides. Hell hath no fury like a Disney Mom. All these employees want is to be Cinderella, but, instead, they have to deal with Betty from Iowa and her full blown rage spiral.
If you're not: contracting Ebola, splashing in urine or being listed as a missing child, Disney can be pretty magical. It is full of children's dreams coming true. The sparkle, the lights and laughter -- it is pure happiness. Well, except if you're life is falling apart and all you see is something you don't have.
I will say, though, things aren't always what they seem. Sure, that mom could be teary-eyed watching her toddler giggle with Goofy -- but in 10 minutes she is going to be screaming in the face of a clueless teenager who is shutting down It's A Small World due to someone puking all over it.
Everyone has their own baggage and less than picture-perfect moments. Disney brings out the joy and happiness -- so let that overcome you. You have plenty to be happy about. You're at Disneyland, for crying out loud. There are a million people who would trade places with you in a second. Enjoy it before it's over.
If you've ever Googled "Disney vacations," you know how overwhelming the options are. If you're like me, you take a gander at Pinterest and Facebook too and your instantly over your head.
These groups tout things like meal plans, themed hotels, budget hotels, shuttle services, flight packages, Groupons and the list goes on. There are endless ways to blow through your savings before your feet hit the ground in the park.
This woman sums it up in a hysterically perfect fashion: if you're planning on going to Disney, start planning five years ago. That, or just find someone who recently went and copy their itinerary to the T and call it a day. That way, you know you didn't mess something up and roughly how much it will cost.
After all the pain, make sure you're mentally prepared for things not to go as perfectly as you hoped. If this list taught us anything, it's Disney can be a bit of a gross disappointment.