So many women Whisper about miscarriage and the pain of it.
They confess that they don’t want to spend another second of their lives thinking about it. Each step we take along our journey makes us who we are but what about the things that happen to us that we can’t control. What about the things that suck? Why do they happen to some of us but not others?
Each of us copes differently and how we find a way to move on is as individual as we are. We celebrate the birthdays of our babies who never made it earth side. We shed tears. We do whatever we have to so that we can get up and maintain our sanity.
How do we put back the broken pieces of our heart? Will we ever be able to? Or will there always be that part of us that is just broken? What about a rainbow baby? When I look at a rainbow I always get excited. Every rainbow is beautiful. They always brighten my day in some way. Are these rainbow babies brightening people’s lives in the way that real live rainbows do?
Some moms choose rainbows and some moms just aren’t ready to move forward and see what’s on the other side of the rainbow. Me, my favorite color is rainbow. How about the other Mamas?
Let’s find out how women cope with miscarriage and what they secretly are going through while the outside world is offering up their sympathies.
15 How To Cope
Having a miscarriage can effect each and every one of us in different ways.
When a woman has a baby growing inside of her, and then she has that little loved one taken away from her, it is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience - one that she might never get over.
We all cope with this trauma in different ways. If this Mama gets peace and can finally fall asleep with her pillow, then more power to her. There is nothing cozier than to climb into a freshly made bed with a cozy comforter and tons of pillows for every part of our body.
So, snuggle in with the baby bump pillow as long as is needed Mama. It is better than taking sleeping drugs.
14 A Mother's Intuition
A woman’s intuition is a very powerful thing, and women become more in tune with their bodies while they are pregnant with a child.
During their pregnancy, women pay so much attention to what they are eating, how their bodies are changing from day to day, and how the little one inside of them is growing and changing. It is only natural, then, for women to know when the life inside of them has moved on.
It is like the feeling we get when we talk to our lost loved ones or when we pray to a higher power. We may not see it but we do very much feel it. Losing someone we love really is the worst feeling in the world.
13 Her Daughter's Name
Something many people do not think about while they are offering their condolences for our lost child is that to us, they were already a member of our family and will always be.
We have imagined what they will look like, what our relationship will be like, and what we will name them. Miscarried children have names too, whether or not they are shared with the world.
A name is a powerful thing. It is one word that embodies who we are. When someone speaks our names it evokes a feeling within them. It is powerful that this woman had the moment to reflect on her child’s name, to cry, and to share the moment with someone who obviously cared.
12 A Sigh Of Relief
The man who raped me left his seed implanted deep inside of me. His sperm fertilized my egg. And just like his body penetrated me unwillingly, so did his seed. He got me pregnant. My rapist got me pregnant. Who the hell would ever want to carry the baby of a rapist? Who the hell would want to raise the baby of their rapist? I, of course, did not.
I willed the baby to die and the higher powers took him or her away from me. I was pregnant, but I miscarried the baby - the baby I did not want. I would never have been able to accept this baby as my own.
Rest in peace baby.
11 Hidden Resentment
We all secretly despise someone in our life, unless you are Mother Theresa or the Dali Lama. So we are in the no judgement zone and if a woman has suffered through a miscarriage and then begins to secretly despise all the pregnant women around her then more power to her. We can understand her.
We are all at where we are at with our grieving. It hurts to see someone else have something we want or in this case someone that we lost. Miscarriage causes a lot of emotions that no one will ever be able to understand like the Mama who goes through it. So feel free to hate away until it no longer serves the life you have and you desire.
10 A Broken Mother's Day
Mother’s Day is a hard day for many of us who have lost women we love. It’s equally as painful for those who have lost a life inside of them.
On holidays we all say traditional sayings to those around us without thinking about how it will impact each individual. It’s sort of like saying hello or goodbye. These incidents are hurtful but they are a part of life.
During and after pregnancy people unknowingly say insensitive things quite often. I recently overheard two women talking about incidents in which people asked them if they were pregnant while they were not. Ironically we were at a buffet. However, when I was pregnant someone told me that I looked great from the neck up. She thought she was complimenting me.
My point is that others don’t always think before they speak but it’s understandable when these comments still hurt.
9 A Step Forward
One of the hardest parts of a miscarriage is learning how to move on afterward.
We may have just lost our baby but the rest of the world is still going on like everything is all good. So, celebrating the small successes is a sensible way to move forward.
If we haven’t gotten out of our nighty in days, then one day we put on our favorite sundress then that’s a reason to call up our bestie and celebrate. If we finally leave the house after failing to see the light of day for a week, yeah we are awesome.
If we get out and about and socialize with other human beings instead of binge watching Netflix then we deserve to feel great about each tiny step we take. When the day comes that we don’t cry about our miscarriage then we should feel proud because we have made it through hell and back.
8 Moms Aren't The Only Ones Who Cry
Turning to the ones we love in this situation is healing.
I was not the only one who lost someone. My boyfriend lost his son. My parents lost their grandchild. My nieces and nephews lost their cousins. While none of them lived through the physical loss of our baby like I did, they are hurting too.
I know they are hurting and I know they are all trying to be strong for me. I appreciate the strength and love and I also appreciate the honesty of being held tight, mourning with the one I love, and knowing that neither one of us needs to hold back any part of ourselves right now. We had to let go of our baby. We wash away our sadness with tears.
7 Finding Light In The Darkness
We will always remember their due dates. We will always remember them on their birthdays. We will always wonder how different our lives would have been with them in it. And we remember with love. There’s always beauty from ashes is a different way to put it.
I was told by a wise mother that the way she would describe death to a child is that someone’s body turned to ash. It goes along with that saying when one door shuts another opens. Or when you are down there is only one way to go and that’s up.
This family is choosing to look on the brighter side of life. They experienced a loss but gained a new family member. Little sister was created from the ashes of the one before her, the heartache that accompanied it, and the love that transformed that ash to life.
6 Healing Her Way Through Art
What a wonderful way to cope. This Mama is drawing her heart out until she has created a masterpiece to honor her own healing and inner child.
For the Mama’s who can’t draw how about immersing ourselves in whatever our thing is. Art, music, dancing, yoga, meditation, reading, hiking, writing. Let’s clear our minds for a while and express ourselves through our souls.
Let the paintbrush do the talking. Let the music fill in the wounds. Find a place of peace and balance through yoga or meditation. Read about anything that fills us with hope. Spend time outdoors soaking in the sun or getting physical. Pick up a pen and let the words spill out of our minds onto paper.
Let’s get through this by remembering who we were before our loss. Let’s remember our talents and passions and use them as tools for healing.
5 Her Third Miscarriage
Yes, we have failed sisters.
We have failed to give in after losing multiple babies. We have failed to stop trying to create the family we and our partners desire. We have failed to give up on ourselves and our families and the futures that we want. What we have not failed at not once, not twice, not three times, is to show the world that our strength overpowers our bodies doubts.
We submerge ourselves in this body of failure and come out knowing that the only true failure is giving up. So, after our third miscarriage we grieve, we love, we dream, and we make love. Our bodies may have failed us in the past but they will not fail us forever.
4 A Bittersweet Symphony
The thing about losing a baby is that that memory stays with us forever.
Once a Mama, always a Mama. Even if our baby didn’t make it through the pregnancy we are still a Mama. We are human and we are going to have human emotions. We are going to be happy for our friends and family when they have babies because we love them and are excited to have a new addition to our family.
We are also going to think about how different our family would be if our little one could join us at the reunions. We are excited to hear of others births but we wanted it so bad and we never got to feel that joy. Other people’s births remind us of our own loss. So while we cry a tear of joy for our loved ones we are also crying a tear for our lost little one.
3 When The Feeling Is Beyond Compare
I wonder when this miscarriage hangover will ever end. I wake up and open my eyes and think back to what happened.
My body hurts and I want the pain to go away. I wish I could fallback asleep and when I wake up my pain would be gone. I wish there was a quick fix like a Bloody Mary. I wish I could function in society but with the after effects of my miscarriage are keeping me from being able to play my role in this world.
This bed, this pillow, this debilitating pain is all I can think about. I try to move on with my life but I vomit. I am sick and I feel low. Lower than low. I never imagined a pain like this even existed. What started out as excitement and celebration ended in death.
2 Sharing The Joys Too Soon
Yeah the Facebook shame. We all feel it when we post something and it comes back to bite us in the butt.
But look, this Facebook share was a share of celebration and love. Screw Facebook and all of the fake lives of perfection that are spewed across it. We all do it. We share the parts of our lives that bring us joy. We get likes and loves and shares galore.
Ultrasound pics are exciting and beautiful and everyone wants to see them. Our baby is a part of us. When we lose a baby we don’t need to feel embarrassed for sharing our child with the world. Posting those pictures probably brought joy to many people’s dull day. It also hopefully provided us with a pretty large support system when we miscarried.
1 When The Words Are Lost
Hey Babe, you know that child that was inside of me, the one that we were picking out names for and planning a life around, well he is no longer with us. His little heart is no longer beating inside of me. His little body no longer grows. The life that once filled my womb has been stolen from us. A thief came and selfishly took our child. I didn’t know how to tell you but our baby is gone. Don’t bother looking for him. You won’t find him. Don’t bother dreaming about his future. He doesn’t have one, not with us anyway. I literally feel dead inside. I felt our baby slip away then I felt my body crying tears of blood that were streaming down my thighs.
I’m sorry babe, I miscarried our baby.