For the most part, babies are cute and sweet and just plain adorable. Yet there is a seamy underside to them that may not always be noticeable upon first glance. Ask any mom or dad to think back to a gross-out parenting moment and chances are they’ll quickly give up the goods. There will be no turning off the steady stream of disgusting stories they will eagerly offer up - tales revolving around explosive poop, projectile vomiting, sticky mucus and more explosive poop.
If a person stops to think about it, almost every aspect of children - from conception and pregnancy to childbirth and parenting is tinged with a healthy bit of EWWWWW. And for any new parents out there believing that once the baby is delivered, the messiness is behind them - think again!
Much to the amusement of Baby Gaga readers, 24 women and one hapless father have graciously agreed to share their revolting tales. As readers will see - it's enough to scare anyone out of ever wanting children in the first place. But what’s a little poop and vomit when viewed next to the reward of raising a child? Sure - at times these little munchkins can prove grody to the max, but frankly most parents wouldn’t change a thing.
For those with weak stomachs, grab a barf bag and prepare to be disgusted by these 18 true life confessions from parents about their biggest gross-out moments.
18 Mommy Scissorhands
Operating on very little sleep, Brady R. wasn’t sure if she was hallucinating when this disgusting scenario landed in her lap.
“I had just fed the kid again and he was sitting in my lap when he crapped his pants - not unusual. But then I noticed that he had basically sh*t half his body weight. So I get him up and over to the change table when I see that he is literally up to his neck in poop and there’s no way I can get the onesie off of him without getting poo all over his face. So I had to grab the scissors and cut it off of him.
“Before I can even catch my breath, he proceeds to pee all over his own face and head. I dab at him with my own shirt sleeve (FYI - baby pee makes the hair curly). I eventually get him all wiped up, dry and clothed. I set him back down in my lap and he turns his head to the side and pukes all over me. Good times.”
17 Slip And Slide
Mother of four, Lisa Z. has plenty of disgusting baby-related stories on her personal roster. During her first two pregnancies, she wore a compression stocking over her vagina because of how painfully swollen it had become. During her third pregnancy, she became sick with the stomach flu and every time she puked, she’d pee her pants as well. Yet her most notable tale of repugnance involved her third baby, a gigantic blood clot and her poor, helpless husband.
“After I gave birth to baby #3, I was moved to a different room. As I was being helped into bed in the new room, I passed a GIANT blood clot (literally, it was the size of a liver) and it fell onto the floor. Before anyone could clean it up, my unsuspecting husband came into the room and stepped right into it and lost his footing. He yelped and said: ‘There’s a kidney on the floor!’
“Thank goodness he wasn’t carrying our newborn son at the time. Needless to say, he was a bit queasy for the rest of the afternoon.”
16 Pusher and Grabber
It’s not always the mother who is on the front-line of parenthood fending off the brunt of revolting situations. Father of three, Brennan H. only had his eldest daughter at the time when this incident occurred. And it has been burned into his memory ever since.
“My daughter was about 18 months old and the two of us had just flown across the globe to Australia so that my grandparents could meet their first great-grandchild.
“I was a bit concerned because after the long flight and even once settled into our hotel room, I noticed that my daughter hadn’t pooped in a while. She seemed very uncomfortable and fussy. I was changing her diaper when I noticed that she was upset and I could see a poop trying to make its way out. I pushed her legs back thinking it would help. She kept trying to push the poop out and would cry when she couldn’t.
“In the end, I had to do what I could to help her. Which meant I ended up grabbing the poop with my bare hands and pulled it out. Thinking about that moment in time, I still feel like a hero.”
A couple of mothers learned the hidden yet gruesome dangers of having to pee in a public bathroom with a toddler in tow. Mother of two, Marcela I. only had her eldest child at this point in time. She was in the Longo’s bathroom with her then two-year-old son when he decided to grab the plunger that was next to the toilet.
“He grabbed it by the bottom and there was sh*t everywhere - and all over his hands! I don’t get easily grossed out - but this wasn’t even his own- it was someone else’s! And I’m sorry - but in this case, the word poop just doesn’t do it justice. I had to grab him from behind and hold his elbows while we did our best to wash his hands in the sink.”
Angela J. was using a public bathroom as well with both a toddler and infant in hand. “There was no place to put my baby so I just sat him on the floor while I peed. He lunged at the waste basket and grabbed a used tampon applicator which he immediately tried to put into his mouth. I’ve never stopped peeing so fast in my life!”
14 Untouchables Part 2
While still on the topic of kids grabbing things not meant for their grubby little hands, Ana K. recalls a gruesome story involving her middle child.
“I was at the school playground picking up my eldest daughter while my four-year-old daughter stood nearby and my baby slept in the stroller. Of course when the bell rings, there’s mass pandemonium and the next thing I know, my four-year-old comes over to me holding something in her hand. She’s playing around with it and then brings it closer and says: ‘Mommy - what’s this?’ To my horror, I see that it’s a used condom!
“I immediately grabbed her wrist and flung the condom off into the distance, using her hand like a catapult. Then I made her hold her hand out away from her body for the entire walk back home (just under a mile) until I could get her inside where I scrubbed her hand within an inch of its life. When her father came home from work that night, she ran over to him and excitedly said: ‘Guess what? Today I picked up a wiener cover!’”
13 The Four Year Itch
Babies can’t help but be gross and for little tykes who should definitely know better - it seems that sometimes they can’t help themselves either. Thera I. and her seven-year-old daughter both experienced a gross-out moment thanks to Thera’s younger son who was four at the time.
“My son was walking around wearing a fleece footie pyjama. He had it half-zipped because he was so hot and sweaty. I noticed he was holding his fingers in a weird way and he kept smelling them. Then he announced that his bum was itchy.
“My daughter was so grossed out, she started gagging. I was pretty grossed out as well but I didn’t want to upset him or make him feel bad. I did give him a bath and put him in some fresh pjs though.
“I guess when you got an itch - there’s not much else to do but scratch it!”
12 Boogie Nights
Once a mom, always a mom - or so it seems. Some women find it hard to take off the mom-hat even when it’s not their own kids they are mothering. Caroline L. made this realization after an off-putting experience at the grocery store.
“My friend and I were standing in line to pay when I noticed her little girl had a boogie hanging out of her nose. Without a second thought, I stuck my little finger up there and pulled out what turned out to be the biggest boogie I’ve ever seen! It was at that point that reality set in and I realized I was holding someone else’s kid’s disgusting snot! I started retching and actually came close to throwing up. My friend was falling over laughing.
“Note to self: save the boogie-picking for my own children’s noses. It’s just not the same when it’s not your own kid!”
11 Baby Showers
When it comes to babies, there’s just no escaping the poop disasters - both of these true stories are literal wash-outs.
Tiffaney B. was bathing her young daughter when this incident took place. “She pooped and I had to clean it out of the drain with my bare fingers while trying to rinse her off at the same time and I was gagging (talk about multi-tasking). I couldn’t simply just run the water to clear the poop away - why you may ask? Because my daughter poops like a grown man!”
Sonya K. had a similar experience with her 20-month-old son in the shower. “Our bathrooms were under renovation so we only had use of a shower. I would bring my son in with me and quickly wash the both of us. This particular time, as I was rinsing shampoo from his hair, I noticed an unmistakeable turd sitting on the shower floor. Before I could say or do a thing, my son looked up at me and said: ‘Wasn’t me’.”
10 Daddy Daycare
Unlike the previous tales, Karen K. (mother of two and step-mother to two) is the poop culprit in this particular narrative.
“I was a few months old and my father was watching me while my mother went shopping. At some point in time, he had to change my poopy diaper. He was retching from the smell and ended up getting some poop on his hands. He puked all over himself AND me. When my mother got home, she found my father passed out shirtless on the couch with naked little me laying beside him.
“It was the pure exhaustion and stress over all that poop that caused him to pass out. Either that or he downed a bottle of whiskey to erase the memory from his head! While he did still take care of me on his own from time to time even after this incident, he somehow managed to avoid ever having to change another poopy diaper!”
9 20 Shades of Red
Time has a way of making parents see the humor in even the nastiest of situations. Although Cindy L., can laugh about it now, this mother of three was worried at the time about the disgusting impression her daughter was making on their new neighbors.
“We had neighbors over for a barbecue and our twins were no more than 18 months old at the time - so not potty-trained. My husband and I were trying our best to be good hosts; we were making polite conversation and sitting and enjoying a drink all together on our back deck when I look over and see that my daughter has removed her diaper and is pooping right there in front of everybody! And it was a BIG one!
“I think I turned 20 shades of red and I kept apologizing profusely. We are still friends to this day (thank goodness) and even reminisce about this memory from time to time and enjoy a chuckle.”
8 Once Upon A Time In Mexico
What is often difficult to explain to non-parents is the sometimes explosive nature of babies and their bowel movements. Mother of two, Wendy G. can illustrate this particular point quite clearly.
“Our family was vacationing in Mexico. We packed up the two kids (our daughter was 20 months and son was eight months) and took a day trip to Cozumel. In my excitement for the day, I hadn’t packed enough diapers OR clothing for the kids. By the day’s end, my son was clad only in a swim diaper and t-shirt.
“We’re on the ferry heading back to our resort with my son on my lap. Suddenly I catch a whiff of something and also feel warmth on my chest. I look down and see poop just oozing out the top of his swimmer and all over my front. At this point I have no idea what to do or how we are going to make it off this ferry. Somehow, I make it to dry land but now have poop all over my legs as well. We ended up taking a dip at the beach to clean up and survived to tell the tale.”
7 Spontaneous Combustion
Keeping with the explosive poop thread, two moms have their own repugnant tales on the topic.
Lindsey L. had her hands full any time her infant son had his diaper full. “From three to six months old, every time my eldest son had a bowel movement, it was an explosion. And oddly enough it was orange in color and smelled like malt vinegar! Obviously, this made going anywhere with him a definite challenge. I would always be on high alert for any signs of him pooping. And when it happened, panic would set in and it would be a race to get him cleaned up ASAP before any poop managed to escape.”
For Natalie R., her saga entails an exersaucer, explosive poop and candlelight - yet this experience was the farthest thing from romantic. “Every time my son bounced in his exersaucer, he would have an explosive poop and it would squish up his back and into his hairline. Every. Single. Time. Cleaning him up was always gross. One night, while we were in the middle of cleaning him up, the lights went out. Trying to bathe a poop-covered six-month-old by candlelight is anything but fun!”
6 The Almighty Upchuck
Let’s leave poop behind for now and segue into a brief foray about babies and vomit. For some reason babies tend to engage in the projectile variety - and often in public settings.
Emma D. and her then-husband were at a restaurant with their baby sitting in a highchair at the head of the table. “The waitress put our plates of food down in front of us and within a minute, my son projectile vomits across the length of the table soaking both our meals! We had to switch tables and order more food. Needless to say we were not favourite customers that night.”
Christina V. had taken to the skies with her 18-month-old son on her lap when this nauseous moment transpired. “We were flying home from Florida and I told my son to look out the window at all the clouds. He took a peek, then turned back to me and expelled vomit all down my front!”
Lazina K.’s story is short . . . but unfortunately not so sweet. “My daughter projectile vomited into my mouth . . . and I swallowed it.” Wow — a real mouth full!
5 The Next Step
While an iron-clad stomach is definitely an asset for any new parent - it’s obviously not a requirement. Mother of two girls, Taylor* made this realization when her eldest daughter was having stomach issues.
“The doctor requested a stool sample from my daughter. I thought ‘no problem’ as I’m her mother and have pretty much seen and done it all. I had my daughter poop onto a piece of plastic wrap. As I was lifting it up, I vomited all over it and the whole thing fell onto the floor. I took one look at this disgusting mess and completely emptied my stomach.
“After I was done, I went to grab some paper towels and didn’t notice that I had stepped in poop wrapped in vomit and had trailed it all over my kitchen. In the end, I learned I just don’t have the stomach for this sort of thing. A friend (a VERY good friend!) came over a few days later to help me get a new sample from my daughter.”
4 Money Shot
So there have been stories so far of projectile vomiting and swallowing said vomit . . . but this is a first for Baby Gaga. Mother of two daughters, Debbie C.’s eldest was six weeks old when this scenario unfolded.
“I was starting to heal after my daughter’s birth and was no longer bleeding so I decided to take advantage of the freedom and go to bed commando in my nightgown. My daughter woke up at three a.m. and I brought her to bed with me in the spare room and proceeded to nurse her while cross-legged. Before I switched her to the other side, I positioned her on my legs to burp her. She not only let out an enormous burp but projectile vomited about eight ounces of breast milk directly into my vagina!
“I turned my immediate attention to the baby who ended up being fine. Of course, then I had a puddle of milk in my crotch that I had to contend with. After returning from the bathroom, my husband asked me why I was taking a shower at 3:30 in the morning. I smothered him with my pillow!”
3 In Bad Taste
We all realize that life for a new mom can be one of sleep-deprivation and commotion but as Bonnie*, mother of four learned the hard and disgusting way - take a bit of time to smell the roses or at least the chocolate chip!
“I was home with my one-year-old daughter and while she was having a morning nap, I took the opportunity to enjoy a warm and gooey chocolate chip muffin straight from the oven. After the brief moment to myself, it was go-go-go. And at some point, I had to change a really disgusting diaper.
“After lunch, I was sitting at the table and my daughter was in her highchair. I looked down and noticed a chocolate chip stuck to my jeans. Without another thought, I picked it off my pants and put it in my mouth. Guess what?! It wasn’t chocolate!”
2 Moms Under Fire
While still on the topic of poop - three moms regale us with some powerful (albeit foul) ammunition of their own.
Kasia B. had just finished bathing her baby girl when this happened: “I had her laying on her back with a towel underneath and was drying her off. Suddenly, she farted and a small bit of poop shot out of her bum and landed a few inches away in the towel!”
Something similar occurred when Felecia H. was changing her newborn daughter’s diaper. “I had her bum lifted in order to slip under a new diaper when she pooped and it squirted all over the wall!”
The trifecta award goes to mother of two, Tabitha S. At the time, their eldest son was six weeks old and her husband was having a ‘poor me - I have to go to work’ moment. “I had my son on the change table and without warning he simultaneously vomited and shot poop onto the wall. As I bent down to clean the vomit off of him, he peed in my mouth. My husband poked his head into the nursery before happily trotting off to work!”
1 A River Runs Through It
Mother of a now eight-year-old son, Sara H. wonders if there is any part of pregnancy that is NOT gross? Her most horrifying moment came when she looked into the mirror and saw her mother . . . but this particular tale to follow comes in at a close second.
“I was two weeks overdue and my OB wanted me to come in for an ultrasound to check up on things. They admitted me immediately as the baby seemed unresponsive. They tried a couple of things to induce labor for me - first the balloon in the cervix followed by the doctor going in with the crochet hook to break my water. But nothing. Then the doctor left the room and of course it’s soak city.
I was completely unprepared for the waterfall that emerged - first my bum is suddenly wet, then I feel the water moving down my legs and soaking my socks. The water actually starts pooling where my heels are resting on the mattress before cascading onto the floor like a wild river. Not only did the bed have to be changed, but a janitor had to come in to mop up. And my shoes that had been sitting on the floor were ruined!”