Many of the names being assigned to kids today are so ridiculous, some feel it's time for lawmakers to step in and put a stop to the madness. But is a baby's name really something the government should control?
Many countries have no problem controlling what people call their kids, and claim they're being strict about monikers to protect the children. Up until the early 90s, French parents had to select a name for their new arrivals from a government-approved list. In Germany, it's against the law to name a child after a product, or to give them any sort of surname as a first name, and if those in power feel a name selected by parents will in any way negatively affect a little one, it's rejected. In Norway, a mother was actually put in jail for two days after she refused to pay a fine imposed upon her because she named her child Gesher -- which translates to "Bridge."
Some other examples? In Iceland, the name Elvis was kicked to the curb by the powers that be. The New Zealand government was okay with the name Number 16 Bus Shelter, but couldn't stomach the name Yeah Detroit. In Sweden, Metallica was a go, but Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 was rejected.
The following 20 names are just a some of the most ridiculous of all designations that have actually been assigned to children. After perusing these horrific choices, you may also feel strongly that the time has come for some of the worst baby names to be made illegal.
Bodily fluids usually don't make the best names. What's one to do when their name is beautiful in another language, but becomes potty humor when it's translated to English? This is exactly what happened to at least one unlucky lady...who's name is Urine.
A Reddit user shared Urine's tragic tale on the site. We'd like to give fair warning: it's very sad story without a happy ending. He wrote, "In middle school, we had a Romanian girl immigrate here. Her name was pronounced Yu-Reen. Spelt Urine. I felt so bad for her. She was super nice, but was chronically teased about it."
Even when the pronunciation of this one is altered, the name is still more than a bit gross. No one wants the name Urine signed with a flourish under "UR 2 cool 2 B forgotten" in their yearbook. While the name Urine should definitely be illegal in the United States, other countries will need to decide for themselves whether or not it's acceptable.
19 Audio Science
Actress and musician Shannyn Sossamon, best known for her role in 2001's A Knight's Tale, has two beautiful little boys. Her second son was given the slightly quirky moniker, Mortimer. His older brother wasn't quite so lucky. Sossamon and her boyfriend, children's book author, Dallas Clayton, decided to name their firstborn Audio Science.
The actress recently defended her choice to the press, stating, "We wanted a word, not a name, so my boyfriend read through the dictionary three or four times...We were going to call him Science, but thought it might get shortened to Sci, as in Simon." Ya, that would have been horrible. Good thing they slapped the name Audio onto the front of Science. Now he'll never be called Sci. He might be called Aud, though.
We'd like to suggest this name be added to the illegal list ASAP. Why? Well, just as Sossamon has revealed, it's not a name. It's a word. There's a reason why most names aren't found in the dictionary, and that reason is choosing a random word for a kid's name is a stupid idea.
18 Harley Quinn
On a Reddit thread in which many chimed in on the most horrific names they'd ever encountered, one user shared that they knew of a little lady who had been given the name Harley Quinn. The user wrote, "Not first name and middle name...her first name is Harley Quinn. Poor kid.”
Harley Quinn is the nickname of a rebellious and psychotic super-villain who appears in American comic books. The character's full name is Harleen Frances Quinzel. She was introduced to the world in Batman: The Animated Series in 1992, and was recently portrayed by the stunning Margot Robbie in the film Suicide Squad.
While Harley and Quinn are both arguably adorable first names for little girls, when put together, they invoke an image of insanity and illegal behavior. Harley Quinn doesn't just toilet paper people's houses. She's a crazy murderess, and this title may give people the wrong idea about an innocent little girl.
At least 5 babies were given the name Billion in 2014 alone. In our opinion, that's 5 too many. A poor child assigned this expensive name may find solace in the fact that it can be shortened to the more acceptable nicknames Bill or Billy. Of course, Lion is also a pretty sweet option.
Billion is a name with way too many reasons not to like it. Not only does it sound stuffy and snobbish, number names have never been anything but strange. When a child is given a number for a name, it feels like his parents are trying too hard to be cool while also not trying at all. The government should outlaw all numerical names. Pronto.
Similar names include Million, Trillion, and Bazillion, all of which may cause a child who doesn't become a movie star or a CEO of a major company feel like he's never going to live up to the name he's been given. If your kid is named Billion, he'd better be rollin' around town in a tricked-out Cadillac SUV drinking out of a golden juice box and eating truffle-flavored goldfish crackers like a boss.
One of the most popular trends in baby naming these days is combining two previously common names to create never-before-heard-of, Franken-name masterpieces...or monsters. Some name combinations are better than others.
The 90s was a time of innovation, fun and great television. What do parents get when they combine two of the most popular girl names from this beloved era, Stephanie and Tiffany? Stiffany. That's what. Love it or hate it, the fact remains that the go-to nickname for this one is probably going to be Stiff, a shortening that might not paint a child in the best light.
The word stiff is defined as a person who is extremely rigid or unable to bend. Unflattering synonyms for stiff include draconian, punishing, stringent and severe. Not really the type of words most parents would hope would describe their little darling. We'd like to suggest that this morose moniker be outlawed. Immediately.
In 2014, 7 children were assigned the name Disney. There is no denying that Walt Disney was a visionary imagineer with a flare for the fabulous, but his name has become synonymous with mouse ears and twirling princesses living happily ever after.
Most little ones love Disney movies, television programs, toys and theme parks from the moment they are old enough to understand how wonderful they are, but this doesn't mean they should be named after one of the most powerful companies currently dominating the free world.
Many parents love Disney too, but just because we love something, or we hope our offspring will, doesn't necessarily mean we should name our children after what is dear to our hearts. Love lillies? Great. Name your daughter Lily. Love Rome? Awesome. Name your son Roman. Love everything done and made by Disney? Too bad. Don't inflict this punishment upon your child. It might be against the law soon enough anyway.
14 Marijuana Pepsi
Many years ago, a new mother in the Midwest decided to name her baby girl after two of the things she loved most in the world: marijuana and pepsi. Marijuana Pepsi Jackson was born raised in Beloit, Wisconsin, and has had to overcome the ostentatious and unbelievable name her mother stuck her with -- one that most certainly raised a few eyebrows every year during role call on the first day of school.
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel columnist Jim Stingl penned a fascinating description of Marijuana after spending some time with her. Stingl wrote, "This tall, striking, self-assured, motorcycle-riding woman is a schoolteacher with a master's degree in higher education administration. Soon, she'll start work on her doctorate. All of her achievement came despite that smoky, carbonated name. And partly because of it. No one named Marijuana Pepsi gets lost in the crowd."
Marijuana Pepsi told Stingl, "Everybody I meet says this: You're nothing like I thought you'd be." Impressively enough, Marijuana Pepsi has found major success in life, despite the fact that she's had to bear the burden of a name that should most definitely be against the law. Rumor has it that Jackson has never smoked and prefers orange soda to Pepsi.
When a name sounds even relatively similar to a sound made when a bodily function is performed, parents should probably steer clear. According to Reddit user rainbowplethora, who was a witness to the atrocity that is this name, "Her parents thought she was going to be a boy and planned to name him after dear old Uncle Alfred. When she was a girl, they had to come up with something."
Some other options these parents could have considered before settling on a name that sounds like a 7th grade boy making fart noises with his hand and his armpit, a dying elephant or a tooting trumpet filled with seawater? How about Allie, Edi, Frida, or even Fred?
Derfla can be shortened to Derf, or LaLa, but it's still hideous enough to be outlawed right away. The lesson here? Adding an "a" onto the end of an ugly nonsense word does not a pretty girl's name make.
Another recent trend in the baby-naming world that just needs to go away already is spelling an otherwise common name in a crazy-ass way. No one knows for sure how this strange movement began, but it's one spreading like a wildfire that must be extinguished before the rules of phonetics are tarnished forever, and the world is ruined for future generations.
Reddit user Redefenestrate encountered one such example. The name was described on the site as follows: "Eighmey. Seriously, can you just spell it Amy instead of being a douche?" We couldn't agree more, wise internet poster.
This poor child is going to have to spell her name out for everyone, as well as go through the arduous process of explaining that her name is actually just pronounced "Ay-meee" and not "Ee-ey-gh-may" as many may assume at first glance. Sure, the bizarre spelling of this designation makes it stand out, but not in a good way.
Clitis, along with a few similar names like Uretha and Vejoncia, is just way too similar in sound and spelling to a part of the female anatomy that one can't mention without blushing. Therefore, parents should not be allowed to assign this horrific name to a poor, innocent child.
How is a kid with this name going to feel when he learns the terminology for all the lady parts in middle school Sex Ed? The answer is very, very mad at his jerk parents. We mustn't fail to mention that the nicknames Clit and Tis aren't any more desireable.
This dangerously sexual-sounding name was actually chosen by a French couple for their baby-to-be. For good reason, a few people were curious about the motivation behind their strange selection. Apparently, the parents were big fans of American actor Clint Eastwood, but thought his name was "Clitis Wood." Oops. Time to help parents such as these out by making this name illegal.
Sometimes, a name is so bad, the only way to believe it really exists is to find a traumatized citizen to bear witness to it's existence. Unfortunatley, one Reddit user met a girl who was actually assigned the name Heavynli-Princess, and lived to tell the tale. The user shared, "12-year-old at the end of my street named her baby, Heavynli-Pryncess. Poor kid."
Things go from bad to worse when a parent not only chooses to spell a baby's name in a unique way, but takes things a step further by slapping a cheesy-as-hell adjective onto the front of an arguably outdated and demeaning word.
Any time a "y" is superflously used in a name where it has no business being, the name should be illegal. Any time "heaven" is used anywhere in a name, the name should be illegal. Any time a first name includes a dash -- or any other punctuation mark for that matter -- it should be illegal. This name has been found guilty of being the worst for three different reasons. We nearby sentence it to 100 lifetimes of never being used again.
At least one documented case exists of a baby who was given the name Xerox. Names that start with the letter "x" are arguably ultra cool, but when a name is also a well-known brand, it suddenly goes from sophisticated and chic to cold and empty.
Xerox is the name of a company that, according to their website, specializes in "business services, document management and workflow solutions to help businesses and governments work better." Not really baby name material.
One of the worst crimes a parent could ever commit is giving their baby a stupid name in an attempt to make some cash. According to one online commenter, Nancy C. Walker, naming a child after a brand in the hopes of getting a pay-out just isn't a good idea. She wrote, "The child will forever be known as the child of greedy parents. For a short while parents were selling the ability to name their child to the highest bidder and/or naming their children after popular brands in hopes of getting payments." We think Walker has a pretty good point.
Nutella is a delicious spread many families enjoy on a regular basis. It is made up mostly of hazelnuts and cocoa, and goes great with warm toast, waffles or fruit. It's also wonderful right out of the jar. Does the fact that this name is also a delectable treat make it a good name for a baby? Not in France.
A French baby girl was given the name Nutella by her parents, but the government didn't approve, and required that the child's name be changed. Why? The judge in charge of the case stated that since the name chosen was a popular food item, it didn't qualify as a baby name. He added, "And it is contrary to the child's interest to have a name that can only lead to teasing or disparaging thoughts."
Because the hazelnuts, chocolatey spread-loving parents chose not to attend the hearing that deemed their child's name inappropriate, and not allowed, the judge ruled that the baby's name be officially changed to the more appropriate Ella.
Sadman is an actual name that was given to at least one unfortunate little boy in 2014. While attribute names like Justice and Valor are growing in popularity, things go too far when a character trait chosen as a child's name is a pretty damn depressing one.
Up-to-the-minute names currently climbing the baby name charts include many names that end in "man" like Truman, Benjiman, Norman and Daiman, but Sadman doesn't really fit in with the aforementioned names. It's not hip or quirky or even creative. It's simply a lame name with no hope for future prosperity.
The child given this name has no way to fix the predicament his parents have put him in. He can go by Sad or Man, but neither really sound like names. He could opt for the nickname Manny, but the fact remains that the downcast, despairing, despondent undertones this name possesses make it unfit to be assigned to any child. Ever.
6 Fifi Trixiebell
Musician and activist Bob Geldof and television presenter and writer Paula Yates were in a relationship from 1976 until 1996, and had three daughters together. The names the two chose for their lovely girls are most definitely out-there, but the worst of them is arguably Fifi Trixiebell.
The former couple's other daughters are named Pixie and Peaches Honeyblossom: two other choices that should probably be outlawed. Yates also has a daughter named Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily with Australian musician Michael Hutchence. Maybe it should just be illegal for Paula Yates to name any more children.
None of the names chosen by Yates and her men should be legal, but Fifi Trixiebell may be the most cringe-worthy of the bunch. Not only does it sound like the perfect name for a socialite's Chihuahua, it's one that may make it difficult for others to take the poor, unfortunate soul given this name seriously.
Facebook is a wonderful tool many use to stay in touch with family and friends, share interesting information and spend hours taking fun little quizzes. None of these facts make Facebook an appropriate name for a child. A man in Egypt named Jamal Ibrahim recently chose the name Facebook for his baby girl. Ibrahim credits the social media platform for starting a revolution, and helping his country rid themselves of President Hosni Mubarak.
He felt so grateful to Facebook for their role in improving the political climate of his country, he decided to name his baby after the platform. The reasoning behind his decision to name his baby Facebook is heartwarming, but doesn't make the name any less atrocious.
The girl with this name will confuse everyone when they ask her what her name is so they can add her on Facebook. Changing her name to something more approachable might prove difficult. The shortenings options for this one are limited and include Face and Book, or maybe Facey or Bookie.
4 Olive Garden
Yep, it's true. Olive Garden Smith is an actual name that was given to an unsuspecting little angel upon her arrival. Surprisingly, the reasoning behind her name has nothing to do with her mom and dad's affinity for pasta. They simply liked how the two names sounded together. Actually, the father was in love with the name Garden and the mother wouldn't budge from her conviction that they name their daughter Olive. The result? Well...they named their daughter after a subpar Italian restaurant chain.
No one is denying for even a second that the breadsticks served alongside every Italian feast at the Olive Garden restaurant are a salty, buttery dream. Many other menu items at the eating establishment are equally tasty. However, this in no way justifies sticking a child with a name that will forever be associated with marinara sauce, Grandma's birthday dinner and Junior prom.
No kid deserves to be named after a place where people go to eat. If a parent wants to open a restaurant and name it after their child, that's a different story, but come on! This name is yet another that needs to be made illegal. Now.
Former sumo wrestler and mother-of-fourteen Elfi Yaghi gained international attention after she chose to name her fourteenth child Jihad. She has remained silent as to why in the heck she chose this controversial word for her child's name. It is understood that Yaghi is a devout Muslim, the only possible reason for her extreme and violent name selection. This doesn't make her choice any less disturbing.
For those who aren't aware, Jihad is an Islamic term found in the Koran used to describe the war against "non-believers" waged as a religious duty. In English, the name means "struggling", which isn't much better.
Little Jihad arrived in Germany, and weighed a whopping 13 pounds upon arrival. His name is one that should be outlawed in every country simply because of the controversial nature of its origins. No child should be flung into the middle of the most heated conflict on Earth just because his parents have atrocious taste in baby names.
2 Mercury Constellation Starcruiser
Reddit user Zorno666 shared on the site, "When I was in the Navy working admin, I walked by someone who had the last name on their shirt 'star cruiser'. I looked them up and their full name was Mercury Constellation Starcruiser. Their sibling had something along those lines but I don’t remember exactly what it was."
This name does have a lovely, psychedelic, ring to it, but no child should be forced to learn to write such a travesty in Kindergarten while the kids sitting next to him are writing names like Bo and Jean.
Here's what it comes down to: if choosing an out-of-this-world name for a child, the rule should be that parents should stick to at least one crazy, cooky choice. Giving a child three completely ridiculous names in a row gives the poor little guy absolutely no escape. If moms and dads insist on giving their child the first name Mercury, his middle name should be something along the lines of John or Mike, not Constellation and Starcruiser.
Reddit user HellenaBucket shared a name on the site that should most definitely be a crime to use, and wrote, "A girl I knew had her third baby, a girl. She was constantly strung out which explains her mentality at the time. She named her daughter Phelony. Yes ... that is felony with a Ph. Poor kid." Poor kid, indeed.
It's one thing to give a child a name that is also a word defined as a serious instance of breaking the lawn, but misspelling the word takes things from terrible to absolutely unacceptable.
Each and every one of the names listed above should be made illegal right away. Sure, parents should be given the freedom to select a name that they love and cherish for their treasured tots. Unless, of course, the name they choose is deplorable. In these cases, it is our duty as citizens of the world to protect the children who are victims of completely stupid names.