Moms do and say a lot of unconventional - okay, weird - things on a daily basis. But they are being both proactive and reactive, playing offense and defense and throwing everything they've got at their kiddos in an attempt to parent them in the very best way that they know how.
And within context, their daily actions make total sense. When taken out of context, however, their behaviors do not always skew as logical. Translation: they can sound downright loopy.
For example, it would not be out of the question for a mother to say, "We only eat food," to her toddler who repeatedly puts her toys in her mouth. Out of context, however, she would probably elicit a chorus of duh's from eavesdropping bystanders if she mouthed that sentence. What else would a person eat besides food? Of course, we only eat food.
The list could go on all day. "We do not jiggle coffee," "That Chapstick is not for coloring," "Chicken nuggets are not hats,” and “Writing your name on the side of the car with a rock is not okay” are all important - if not bonkers - sentiments, are they not?
Here are a few more:
20 We Don't Bite Our Friends
I mean, it seems obvious, but if you've ever visited a preschool, you know that this is not an assumed rule. Biting seems to be a proven method in the toddler world to get a friend to give you the toy you want, back away from your personal space or even just be on the receiving end of your foul mood.
Biting, though frowned upon, is sometimes effective for the little ones.
Which is why mothers are forced to inform their children of this very important rule. There are a lot of things we can do to our friends, but biting is not one of them.
19 Please Get Your Dinosaur Off Your Hamburger
File this sentence under the heading of Things I never imagined I would say in conversation. It seems like the sentence to follow would be something regarding a dragon in the French fries or perhaps a chicken and some ketchup, right?
But the bottom line is that when you need your kid to get their prehistoric rubber creature off of their lunch, you're forced to utter silly words. It was either that or Tell the yellow lizardy guy to hop off your bun, so I'm pretty sure the original utterance was the best call.
I do wonder if fellow diners considered me a bit dim.
18 You Must Wear Pants To The Restaurant
Well, you must.
In a perfect toddler world, pant-less dining would always be an option. Heck, pant-less everything would always be an option. Playing at the park, going to the grocery store, sitting through Sunday school; the littles would really appreciate the opportunity to live their best lives sans pants.
Unfortunately, though, those kiddos have to pull on the trousers. It's the law.
That's what I tell them, at least. (It's not a lie if you aren't sure, right?)
I wonder how many tantrums are thrown worldwide, each and every day, by toddlers who are forced to wear bottoms. I'm guessing a million, at least.
17 We Never Put Our Gum On The Cat
I get it. You're done with your gum, and mom has told you a thousand times that you can't swallow it. You're in the middle of playing, so you certainly don't want to stop and go into the kitchen where the trash can is.
So...where to put it? You look around and then bam - you see Mr. Puddles. He's just sitting there, looking around in that cat-like way that he's got, his eyes barely open. Will that guy really care if you set your gum on his back?
Nope. You stick it on his fluffy fur and the dude doesn't even notice. So...why isn't this the greatest idea ever? #whatevermom
16 We Only Play With Toys (AKA Get Out Of The Shed)
My nephew is a challenge to babysit. Not because he's naughty or out-of-control, but because the kid has a penchant for playing with big boy toys. You know, the ones that aren't actually toys at all.
He's drawn to the shed like a moth to a flame and loves every last thing inside of that rotting wood structure. Extension cords - cool. Power tools - super dope. 2x4's - he gets giddy when he lays eyes on the big boards.
So when he visits, I say We only play with toys no less than 300 times. Again, the sentence seems like a no-brainer, but sometimes the words just need to be spoken.
15 I Don't Care If Rapunzel Did It, You Do Not Paint On The Walls
When Rapunzel does it, it's cool. When your toddler does it in the living room - not so much. Because not only do you not live in a tower in a Disney movie, but your little munchkin has none of the artistic ability of that beloved long-haired heroine, either.
She's three; if you're getting anything more than scribbles and drips, your kid might be a prodigy.
True, you can sing the soundtrack while you attempt to scrub the craft paint off the surface, but that's not nearly as fun in real life as it is in the animated movies.
14 We Don't Lick The Floor
How do they not know this? How are children not born just inherently knowing not to do this? Because they're down at floor level more often than not. They have a birds-eye view of just how dirty the floor is.
In fact, they generously contribute to that mess. They spill their milk and track all kinds of mud through the house, dragging dirty toys across the room and leaving staining marks that give you the ability to retrace their steps like some sort of domestic CSI detective.
Yet they look at that floor and somehow still bring their tongue to its surface. Whyyyyyy?
13 You Are Not Thor, Put The Hammer Down
Yes, I have said this. I have a daughter who thinks everything that exists within the confines of our house is something she should have access to. She doesn't really care what it does, if it's safe or even if she can lift it. The bottom line, according to her, is that if she lays her eyes upon an object, she wants to use it.
Even when it has the capacity to inflict pain upon her tiny fingers and toes.
So above and beyond the hiding, re-arranging and donating of items that are potentially hazardous, I utter a lot of nonsensical statements about not playing with them.
12 We Don't Cry About Socks
Um, yes, we do. We cry about socks on a daily basis. Because we are 3 years old, and we irrationally cry about everything that is not exactly how we want it to be. And, as it turns out, socks are a very important facet to how we feel about the world.
We're whiny if they're too tight, whimpery if they don't match perfectly, and downright inconsolable if they have those little balls of lint inside them.
Mom can tell us not to cry about socks all day, but odds aren't good that we're going to listen.
11 No, You Can't Have The Entire Package Of Cookies
Of course you shouldn't have to say it. What kind of a madman would ever assume that a newly-purchased, fresh-from-the-store package of Oreo's was just for him?
Oh, that's right - your kid, that's who. He thought that whole thing was for him and he's going to try his very hardest to convince you he's right. He will use every tool in his arsenal - yelling, crying, turning purple and writhing on the floor - to show you that changing your mind is your only option.
Be strong, mom. Don't cave. Because he can't have the entire package.
10 Please Don't Ask Other Diners For Their Food
Sometimes it's hard to decide what to order at a restaurant. I mean, if there are chicken nuggets and hamburgers and Philly sandwiches, I know I'm hard-pressed to make the call. They're all so good.
So it makes total sense to me that when the kid finally decides on spaghetti but the person at a nearby table has a big ol' platter of steak fries, he leans over and deals out the big ask. If we're honest, we've all had buyers-remorse on the restaurant front and coveted thy neighbor's fries.
Besides, in the overall scheme of things, "Can I have some fries?" is not the most embarrassing the little peanut could ask, right?
9 Where Was The Last Place You Saw Your Corn Dog?
Kids misplace things. Like, a lot. And as moms, we have the fun job of rummaging through the entire house because our kiddo is losing their mind over their inability to locate one tiny little Rubble figurine from that nails-on-the-chalkboard show Paw Patrol.
I have personally upended a fully-filled toy box in search of a Barbie stiletto, so nothing is off limits in regards to the parental search and rescue mission.
Including a corn dog. One second she had it, and the next it was gone.
The only thing to do is retrace those corn-doggian steps, right? #nodogleftbehind
8 If You Put That In Your Pocket, The Police Will Come
Okay - that may sound a little harsh. But when you catch the toddler trying to shove a tiara into her coat pocket at Target while giving unwavering eye contact like she's brainwashing you into not noticing, a little scare just might be in order. You know, to ensure pocket jamming doesn't become her new favorite pastime.
As it turns out, the kid wasn't trying to lift the crown at all. She blinked her wide eyes at me and let me know that she was just letting it sit in her pocket because it was cold. The crown. Was cold.
7 Is That Mud? Please Tell Me That's Mud
Who amongst us hasn't, at least once, asked this question of their child? Whether they're still in diapers, entirely potty-trained or deep in the training trenches, brown-stained hands make us twitchy.
"You don't know where those hands have been." Oh, yes, we do, and the truth isn't pretty.
Which is why it's best to just assume the substance in question is mud. I mean, for the love of God don't touch or smell those little mitts, but just assume it's the harmless mix of mud and water and swiftly wipe away the residue before drenching those digits in antibacterial cleanser.
If you do it fast enough, it never happened.
6 You Are Not LeBron James, So You Are Grounded
"I don't care how good LeBron James is at hanging on the rim. You are not LeBron James and now you're grounded. Congratulations."
It's an adorable decorative touch, mounting a mini-basketball hoop to your kid's wall. A sports-themed bedroom is classic, and that simple touch just ups it to the next level. But come on. Have you learned nothing from that fictional mouse and his cookie?
If you buy your kid a hoop, he's going to want to dunk on it. And if he dunks on it, he's going to want to hang on the rim. And if he hangs on the rim, it's going to pull out of the wall and bust the drywall. #TaleAsOldAsTime
5 Toys Are Not Food
How can it ever be necessary to say these words? Toys are not food? I mean, it seems like something in our genetic makeup should notify us of this fact. How can a species survive if they aren't born just knowing this?
Still, I've said it. I've said it when my toddler couldn't seem to keep her toys out of her mouth, and I've said it when my grade-schooler thought it was funny to mix plastic Halloween spiders in her spaghetti and then act surprised when they "accidentally" ended up in her mouth.
Things like this convince me that dogs and little kids - at least my little kids- are almost at the same intellectual level.
4 Why Is There A Bottle Of Ketchup In Your Toy Box?
Toy boxes are full of amazing surprises. Toys, yes, but there are usually so many other items living inside of those Little Tykes storage containers that they should maybe just be called boxes.
Half of their space is utilized by random socks, singular shoes that no longer fit and the errant t-shirt that mom barely even remembers buying. Another quarter of the space is taken up by toys, and the last quarter is what I like to call the nasties.
The hardened heel of bread that's clearly been in there for a month, the shriveled-up grape, and yes, the bottle of missing ketchup. How and when those items got there - only the small one knows.
3 If You Take Off Your Clothes, You're Coming Inside
For some reason, when you mix toddlers, summer sun, the backyard and a kiddie pool filled with cold water, clothes start coming off like we're in a country song and on some sort of riverbank.
No one really knows why or even how to prevent it. All we can do, as parents, is holler at our munchkins to keep their swimsuits on or they're coming inside and taking a nap. Sometimes that works, and other times it just makes the neighbors think you're a yeller as they watch your toddler streak on by while his older brother squirts him with the hose.
Having kids really is magical, isn't it? #blessed
2 We Don't Hit With Noodles
I've probably said "We don't hit with___" three hundred times in my parental life. Noodle, compared to most of the other options, sounds like an interesting, delicious and painless item to be struck with.
POOL noodles, however, pack a tad more of a wallop than an al dente piece of spaghetti or angel hair pasta. Not enough to maim, but more than enough to irritate and inspire retaliation from noodled siblings.
Not the wackiest thing I've ever yelled, but yet another sentence to add to my "Why do the neighbors look at me like I'm less-than-brilliant" list.
1 No One In This House Touches Anyone Ever Again. Period
Ah, moms. We just love the loud, booming, grandiose declaration. "NO ONE TOUCHES ANYONE ELSE IN THIS HOUSE EVER AGAIN!" This always comes as the last word, the finishing statement that mother shouts when she has officially "had it."
It's closely-related to "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!" and is a distant cousin to "IF I SEE YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME, YOU ARE GOING TO YOUR ROOM AND NEVER GETTING OUT!"
The funny thing about these is that no one - including mom - believes a word of it.
Sources: YouTube, Playbuzz, Pinterest, Popsugar