Guess what, expecting parents? It's time to choose a name for your impending arrival! What an exciting time! The possibilities stretch before you like freshly fallen snow. There are so many interesting, special and lovely names to choose from; each one more perfect than the last. Some are classic, some are quirky; others are modern or invented from scratch.
No pressure, but the name you choose for you future child will be a part of his or her identity. Forever. If you select a name, and later regret your decision, changing it will be expensive and time-consuming. It may also cause your poor kid to have an identity crisis. Pretty much, once your baby's name is printed on the birth certificate, changing your mind isn't really a viable option.
Stressed yet? Never fear! We've done some research, and, with the help of some very wise Reddit users, have done the legwork of narrowing down your list for you. That's right. The 20 names on the list below have been deemed worth of a WTF. Basically, they are terrible, horrible designations and should never, ever be assigned to an innocent child.
If you fall in love with one of the names below, go against your better judgement and don't use it! Stick with John or Jane or even North or Saint. ANYTHING is better than the names that follow. You've been warned. Now enjoy laughing until you cry for the poor babies who have actually been given the following monikers by their cruel and clueless parents.
Um...yikes. Someone out there decided the original sophisticated and timeless name Elizabeth, that has been assigned to queens, starlets and fashion icons wasn't pretty enough--or something. Adding random letters to popular names may seem like a cool idea that will give a classic name a unique edge. Unfortunately these well-meaning name-givers inserted the absolute worst letter into the absolute worst spot.
Come on, name maker-uppers. What about Eplizabeth, Belizabeth or Elizyabeth? These are just three examples of how this name could have been spiced up in a weird way--without making the poor child called Elizabreth the punch line of every joke muttered and scrawled on notebook paper during role call.
One Reddit user said it best when he expressed concerns that any child assigned this name may be at risk of being referred to by her crueler peers as "lizard breath." To be honest, this may be the least of her worries. If she has any sort of issues with halitosis, she's utterly doomed.
Yep, someone actually chose to call a child Hashtag. Now, we will admit that Tag is a super-cool name assigned to one of Mitt Romney's freakishly handsome sons, and hash is the name given to random delicious foods smooshed together. Both very pleasant. But, come on. When these two lovely designations are put together, they represent the extremely overused and annoying word tweens love to say and parents scratch their heads over.
Hashtags are used on different social media platforms such as Instagram and Twitter. They appear in the form of the pound sign (#) preceding a word or phrase that is searchable by others.
Confusing as hell. Annoying as hell. Overused as hell. No child should have to be Hashtag Smith or Hashtag Dinglehopper. We don't care how much parents love to hashtag the sh** out of everything they do and say. This title is unfit for a child. And stupid. The end.
Look closely at this one. What does it say if the letters are rearranged to be read the other way? See it yet? We'll help you out. This dumb name is Dracula backwards. Come on, parents, own it and name your poor kid after the creepiest vampire to ever walk the face of fictional works. Don't be all cowardly and spell it backwards. Why? Because Alucard sounds ridiculous.
Dracula may not be winning any name awards in the near future, but at least it's a name. Plus it comes with some sweet nicknames like Drake, Cool or LaLa. The only shortenings a kid named Alucard can hope for are Card or Ucky. Maybe Ardy. All of those are about as horrible as having parents who think its clever to take a terrible name for a child and make it worse by flipping it around.
Okay, fine. This name could also be shortened to Al, but if this kid goes by Al, he's going to spend his whole damn life explaining to curious folks what it's short for. He has better things to do like going to the Social Security Administration office to get his name changed as soon as humanly possible.
Oh, dear. It's so so sad, but also so terribly true, that someone decided to name a baby after her very first home. A sweet idea in theory, but not quite as nice when you see it embroidered on a baby blanket. Especially if it's spelled wrong!
Uterus is bad enough, but changing the name of a female organ to a raptastic imitation is just going too far. Some parents of the past have done the same. Singer Uretha Franklin's name sounds eerily close to urethra; then there's musician Labi Siffre who's moniker is a little too close for comfort to a part of the female anatomy that shall remain nameless.
In addition, more than a few parents have given their child the name Colon which is the same as colon: the part of the body that deals with literal cr**. You know what? At least those parents spelled it right. Uteraz is an abomination.
Some may argue that since Baby is the iconic name assigned to Jennifer Grey in the classic movie, Dirty Dancing, parents who select it for their children are just paying homage to a great dance movie. Alas, it was only a nickname. The heroine in the flick, lucky enough to get down with Swayze, was actually named Frances. Therefore, this name is not a viable option. For one thing, it lacks creativity. For another, it stereotypes a poor child. It's going to be hard to be a CEO with this moniker. Not impossible, but awkward.
One Reddit user shed some light on why a parent may choose this unoriginal title for a child. She said, "When I was born, my parents had expected a boy, so they had no girl name picked. My name in the hospital was ‘Baby Girl (last name).’ They kept it that way for months. My mom wanted to keep it that way. Forever. She had met someone with a daughter named baby girl, and thought it wasn’t too bad. After agonizing for five months, they picked Lisa. Completely anti-climactic, I know.”
Looking for a way to make the name Baby a little worse? Another Reddit user chimed in, "I taught swimming to a poor kid named ‘Baby Boi’, again, all first name.” Not. Cool.
Another Reddit user shared this gem with the world wide web: "I knew a girl named I’adorher. Pronounced ‘I adore her.’ She was really nice.” At least she was nice. A child given this name has every right to be a complete jerk.Writing this name and explaining this name and being called this name is enough to sent anyone completely and totally over the edge.
What's with the apostrophe in this name? What is its function? You guessed correctly. It doesn't have one. It is completely and totally unnecessary, making this name one of the most confusing ones ever.
We're so glad the gal assigned this name has adoring parents. However, instead of naming her in the form of a declarative sentence with random punctuation, they could have just gone with Dora or Sue, or even Lafonda, and told her they loved her like the rest of the moms and dads in the world. Just saying.
Look out! It's Rage! Aaaaah! Actually, he seems really sweet. His name doesn't go with his behavior at all. He just rescued a kitten from that tree over there. Aw, now he's helping an old lady across the street. He's just the best. Too bad his name precedes him.
Parents that choose strong emotions as names for their children should be aware that some choices are better than others. Joy, Felicity and Hope are positive emotions that make lovely names. Choosing Rage is akin to choosing Despair, Shame or Envy. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Names like Gage and Sage are hip right now. They sound almost identical. Loving Rage? Do a kid a favor and go with one of those instead.
A Reddit user helped to prove that at least one Rage currently exists somewhere out there. She shared, "Some years ago, I ran into an ex boyfriend at the gas station with his new girlfriend and her little boy in the back seat. His name was Rage." We'll bet that kid is furious about his name.
A Reddit user brought this unconventional choice to the world's attention with the following explanation: "My wife is a high-risk pregnancy nurse at a hospital and she could post these for hours. My favorite one so far: Sssst. First to guess its correct pronunciation is the winner.”
Give up on how in the world such a creative name is pronounced? Exactly how it's spelled: Four-es-t. Love it? Chances are your child won't feel the same if this is the name you select. You'd be better off just naming a child Foresty if you love the way this name rolls off of the tongue.
The amount of time and effort put into explaining how Ssst is pronounced isn't worth it. Sure, this name is easy to spell, but a name that is also the sound of a ballon makes when it is slowly deflating, whether that's the intended pronunciation or not, is, among other things, depressing.
Another choice that gets props for originality, but will most likely leave a child crying in its wake, is Phelony. Sure, this name rhymes with Melanie, a lovely name that was big in the 90's. Wonderful. It's been firmly established that just because a certain name rhymes with well-loved name, parents shouldn't feel this is reason enough to use it.
One example? Well, a few celebrities have chosen the name Huck for their babies. Huck was also the name of the title character in one of Mark Twain's greatest novels. Changing the first letter of the name Huck to F, D or Y gives this name a slightly less appealing feel. Get it? Got it? Good.
A Reddit user shed some light on why a parent may select this unfortunate designation for a child. She shared, "A girl I knew had her third baby, a girl. She was constantly strung out, which explains her mentality at the time. She named her daughter Phelony. Yes … that is felony with a Ph. Poor kid.” We couldn't agree more.
This name is another discovery shared online by a Reddit user who said, "I knew a kid named Semaj – pronounced seh-mah-zhay. It’s James backwards.”
Oh, wow. What an um, er, original choice! We're sure this kid just adores his name. It's snazzy, snappy and impossible to figure out how to pronounce without a detailed explanation, or a pronunciation guide. The truth is this name is just terrible. Semaj is one of those names that's trying way too hard, and failing. If the latest trend is spelling names backwards to spice them up, how about Nevik? It's pronounced Neh-veeek and is the opposite of the traditional name, Kevin. Isn't it so much better backwards? No. It isn't. And neither is James.
Stop ruining the classics! Want to spice up James? Why not go with Jameson or Jay or even Jayden. Your child and your child's future teachers and employers will thank you. Promise.
All hail Ya'hyness! This unusual name choice comes at the courtesy of an anonymous teacher. She and her sister each have the privilege of enriching young minds in the field of education. Many boys and girls pass through their classrooms each and every year. At the beginning of every school year, the two siblings have a contest. What does it entail? Basically, whichever sister has a student in her class with the most interesting or unique name wins.
The crowning jewel of all names one year was this beauty: Ya'hyness. Yep. Let that doozy sink in for a second. It's Ya, followed by another unexplained, unneccessary apostrophe, to the lovely suffix hyness. Not highness. Hyness.
Not sure what the parents were going for. One thing is certain: this name is creative baby name royalty. No doubt about it, Ya'hyness isn't going to be one of five kids in his or her class at school with the exact same name. Phew.
This one is a cross between the classic names of the past Nancy and Patsy with a hint of WTF where the "th" is concerned. Maybe it's a homage to the name Kathy, or maybe the parents who chose this name did the whole "throw a bunch of letters in a bag and line them up in a row" game to come up with this one. Another possibility? They harbor a burning love for panthers.
"Like panty with a lisp," one Reddit user quipped. Yep, that's pretty much the perfect way to sum this one up. Another response may be something along the lines of "WHY?!?"
More insight into why this name was chosen would be so very helpful, but the parents who supposedly chose this hideous moniker are hiding in the shadows. Sorry, Panthy, but your name is just the freaking worst, along with the other 19 on this list, of course. At least you aren't all alone.
Seriously?! No way. No one would stoop this low. According to one Reddit user with no reason to lie, this name has been used for at least one poor, unfortunate baby. She shared, "As the daughter of a labor and delivery nurse, I’ve heard an abundance of terrible baby names, but I’d have to say this (Orgasm) is by far the worst! Sadly, I’m not kidding.”
Okay. Not all hope is lost. Maybe this poor baby can shorten his or her name to something a little less...horrendous. Shortening possibilities include: Orgey, Gasm, Gas and Org. This is really tragic: more dire than we first suspected. We're not done searching for a silver lining yet. There is a very good possibility little Orgasm was given a middle name as well. So, this poor child will just have to go by whatever that is. Let's hope and pray it's a little less intense and a lot less inappropriate.
Worst case scenario? If the O word is all there is, maybe Baby will just have to pretend he or she is named something else. It won't be the first time an Orgasm was a little fake.
We don't like this name. Not even one little bit. Sure, it isn't a made-up random grouping of letters or some weird-ass backwards version of a common name. But it's still terrible.
Like is one of those words that many young girls tend to overuse in conversation. Example? "I'm, like, so in love with, like, Jake. He's, like, the coolest, like, of all the, like, guys, like, I've ever, like, met. I'm going to like all of his Facebook and Instagram posts, like, right now. Like my idea?" Aaaaaaah! This word is being thrown around in everyday conversation and being used on the internet way more than any other. It's not a name for a child. It's a hated word that everyone secretly wishes would go away.
A Reddit user shared the story behind this absurd name choice: "A few years ago I heard of this very young couple who just had a baby and they were so obsessed with Facebook that they decided to name their child ‘Like’ after the like function on Facebook.” Our point exactly. This name is so unlikable it's, like, gag-worthy.
Mia is a delightful name many parents are choosing lately. When paired with the prefix Melano, however, it becomes a catastrophic choice. For those who may not be aware, melanoma is a type of skin cancer that kills over 10,000 people every year, and is also responsible for almost all skin cancer-related deaths. That's right. We said kills. Adding an "i" into the last syllable doesn't magically transform this name from one associated with death and gloom to one that is a perfect choice for a little darling.
We love the Reddit user who brought this gloriously awful name to the world. Her take is internet gold. She said, "Ex-boyfriend named his daughter Melanomia. Yup. Dodged a bullet."
Sure did, sweetheart. His daughter wasn't quite so lucky. At least her name can be shortened to Melanie or Mia. Both lovely. Too bad the whole shebang that is her name is so damn depressing.
Hey, little Hellzel. You little angel, you. We're sorry that you have the word hell in your name. True, the beautiful names Helen and Helena both contain the prefix Hel. We hate to break it to you that your parent's name choice for you went wrong when they added in that fateful second L. What were they thinking?
A Reddit user was kind enough to give us some background on this absolutely cringe-worthy designation, and shared, "According to her, her mother liked Hazel but her dad was a biker and loved hells angels, so they came up with this mess.”
Another user chimed in with a lovely story about another name combination that didn't really mesh together as well as peanut butter and jelly do. In fact, the nail is hit right on the head with the first sentence: "Combined names are never a good idea. A friend of my sister-in-law worked in a maternity ward and saw a kid named after her grandparents, named John and Veronica. Her name was Vejonica." Yikes.
"Jammy--kids parents thought this was the correct spelling of Jamie," shared a Reddit user who was privy to seeing this name in action somewhere out there in the world. It all makes sense now. The parents who chose this name are not avid jam lovers, huge fans of pajamas or obsessed with slow jams. They didn't name their child after the annoyingly overused phrase, "That's my jam."
Instead, this name is but a misunderstanding of how things are pronounced when spelled certain ways. No harm, no foul. This name is just fine after all.
Except, of course, when little Jammy has to explain to anyone and everyone that his name is actually Jamie. At which point some may point and laugh, and others may just roll their eyes in exasperation. Poor little guy. Maybe he can find some solace in the fact that jam is delicious, pajamas are insanely comfortable and slow jams are the best tunes on the planet.
Abstinence is defined as refraining from physical acts of romantic love. Completely. No canoodling allowed. While attribute names are hot right now, this one isn't quite what most little girls dream of in their mother's wombs as they wonder what gorgeous name their parents have selected for them.
At least Abstinence can be shortened to Abby. No one may ever have to know the truth: a little girl somewhere out there in the world was given the one name that is sure to make everyone feel awkward-as-hell. Especially the dear one who has to walk around bearing this embarrassing title. At least there's a good chance she'll get a whole unit dedicated to her in middle school health class.
Perhaps a Reddit user put it best when describing the possible repercussions that may result from assigning this name to a little one: "I know a little girl named Abstinence. I predict she will be pregnant by 16.”
Cherish is a precious word that means to adore, revere and treasure. Chairish, however is just an unoriginal adjective one may use to describe a chair. Example?
"So, how are you liking you new chair?"
"Oh, you know, it's...chair-ish."
Oh dear. This name is just deplorable. Who names a baby after a chair? Or, better yet, who names a baby after an emotion and spells it wrong? Oh, wait. Lots of people. The fact remains that this name is iffy at best.
All hope is not lost. Maybe a Baby with this name will be able to find a suitable nickname to mask the baffling way her parents chose to spell her moniker. Let's see...there's Chair. No, seems a little too furniturey. Chairy? Not a chance. Waaay to close to the word hairy. Guess all that's left is Ish or Ishy. Unless, of course, the child opts to go with the final obvious choice of Ihatemyeffingname.
"Hi, there! My name is a completely obvious sentence! I hate it so, so much. But, whaterya gonna do?"
Isn't it common knowledge that every baby is different? Every human is different. We are all unique. No one isn't unique. This fact makes this name annoying as can be. Other obvious names that may appeal to parents who like I'munique include: I'mboy, I'mgirl, I'mbaby or I'mgonnakeepyouupallnightlong.
A Reddit user shared the experience of actually meeting a person named I'munique: "I work at a bank in North Florida and have been keeping a list of names I come across. My favorite so far is definitely ‘I’munique.’ It was on her ID and everything.”
Alright, parents. The time has come to choose a name. We believe in you. You can do it. The names on the list above are just a few of the many names out there that cause many of us to say WTF. Resist using them if you are able. We promise it's for the best.