Do you ever wonder what happens behind the closed doors of mothers and their babies? What is it that mothers do with, and to their babies when there are no prying eyes around? Do they do the unthinkable? Do they turn into witches and cast sleeping spells unto their children? Do they change into one size too small superhero outfits with briefs hanging out to save the world when they think no one is looking?
Whoa, hold your horses. Let's not go into the horror genre and replay every baby torture scene you've ever watched in your head. Before your imagination takes a wild turn let's find out what women really do when they are left alone with their babies.
People (especially nosy ones like us) are usually interested in finding out if mothers really carry out their responsibilities or if they play traunt. God forbid a mother even has a breather once in a while. We interviewed a number of mums and this is what they confessed to after many blackmails and bribing (just kidding). Cue to evil eyes from the mums who had to spit out their darkest secrets.
20Mums Dig For Gold
When you have a baby at home, you won't have much time to yourself. Some mums don't even get to brush their teeth or change out of their milk stained clothes for a day or two. So what would be the first thing they do when left alone with the baby? They go for gold! No, not real gold. We're talking about the little lumps of dirt that reside in our nostrils. That's right ladies. Some mums revel digging in their nostrils, 'unclogging' all the dirt that had accumulated probably since the day their baby was born.
There is just something satisfying about cleaning up ones nostrils. Ohhh the satisfaction of flicking the little bits of yellow brown goo or rubbing them into tiny balls between your fingers. Now don't pretend you've never enjoyed a 'gold digging' session or two. Thousands of 'eeeeewwwws' can be heard across the country.
19Mums Answer Nature's Call
Sometimes mothers sacrifice their bodies in the name of love for their children. Many mothers suffer from constipation and Urinary Tract Infections (UTIs) because they choose to hold their bladder and delay in going to the bathroom to tend to their wailing babies. But there are some mums who just cannot say no to answering nature's call. This is especially so if the 'call' is urgent.
One mum had to poop with her bathroom door open while playing peekaboo with her baby who was propped up in a bouncer facing her. Baby didn't mind the smell and seemed to enjoy the game. Some ladies even managed to breastfeed while answering nature's call. Their babies didn't complain about the pungent smell of mummies' poop. That ladies, is what we call multitasking.
18Mums Dish About The Dads
Every once in a while, couples will fight over the pettiest things. It's even worse when there's a baby in the house. Couples can argue over the simplest issue like who has to do the laundry, who gets to bathe first, who has to wipe the baby's butt (mums usually lose out on this because for some reason, dads tend to gag at the sight of baby poo. So much for macho men).
So when the dads are not around, the mums will complain about their spouses to the next readily available ear, the baby. Who cares if they don't understand. So long as they coo in response, we can pretend that they are agreeing to everything we say. Who better to complain to about dad's fart smells than to a baby who doesn't tattletale or take sides?
17Mums Watch Dirty Movies
Gasps echo everywhere. We get eye rolls from prim and proper ladies who claim to never have done such unholy things. But let's be realistic. Mums are human too. One mum said that the moment her spouse set foot out of the house, she would turn to the raunchiest sites and feast her eyes on the most sacred parts of the human body. Lots of oohs and aahs would ensue while the baby would be innocently making googoo gaga sounds in the background.
So what if we are too tired for pleasures of the flesh at night? After the endless work, household chores and baby's cries, the last thing we want is to engage in any sort of physical contact. However, all mums, regardless of the SAHMs or FTWMs need an outlet to satisfy their psychological needs once in a while. As the mother who was interviewed said, " You gotta master the theory first".
16Mums Cross Dress The Babies
Mums get bored too. Yes they do. So when the chance arises, some mums will cross dress their babies. After all, at just a few weeks to a few months old, no one can really tell the baby's gender at first glance. One mum confessed to dressing her baby boy up in his older sister's baby tutu dress complete with matching pink socks, flowery headband and bright red lipstick.
She even took a few photos of her baby (you know, just in case she needs to blackmail the little boy into behaving when he turns into a rebellious teenager or something). So if you do get bored one day (this seldom happens though), why not cross dress your child before they start behaving like little brats who drive you up the wall?
15Mums Watch Game Of Thrones
When no one is around and the baby is behaving, mums will savor the latest episode of Game of Thrones, shoving chips into their mouths while rooting for the Stark family. Jon, you don't count. And no Tony, you belong to Marvel. In the background, baby also has eyes glued to the screen, maybe being captivated by Dany's fiery dragon soaring across the big screen.
One mum said that she managed to watch a whole season of GoT in a week (a feat unmatched by many mothers) when she was alone with the baby. God knows 5 minutes of tranquillity is a given when you have a baby in the house. Her bucket list included finishing the complete seven seasons of GoT before her baby turned one. You can bet there are many mothers rooting for her.
14Mums Binge Eat
When one has a baby, one will have practically no time to eat, let alone drink. There will be days when the mum will have to live on crackers and water while tending to the little one. Therefore, given the chance, mums will try to stuff themselves with as much food as possible. One mother disclosed that when alone with her baby, she would immediately head for her closet of snacks.
Chocolate bars, ice cream, cream brulee, you name it. Whatever she could get her hands on she would eat them. Anything that could be eaten without requiring cooking or cleaning up was good. She had to make up for the days and nights of hunger and would put Katniss of the Hunger Games to shame.
13Mums Sleep Through Babies' Cries
Have you ever been so tired you could sleep standing up? Or fall asleep halfway in a middle of a conversation? If you have, then welcome to the world of motherhood. Mums can get so sleep deprived they will do almost anything just to have a wink or two. One mum professed to being guilty of ignoring her baby's cries while she took a cat nap when no one else was around.
It didn't matter that the wails escalated to an opera house level, she could still manage to have a short albeit sweet dream of vacationing alone in the Maldives. When questioned whether she felt guilty for making her baby cry it out, she said, "Relax. It's not the end of the world if a baby cries." No truer words have ever been spoken.
12Mums Play Computer Games
What better way to unwind than to play the latest PSP game or X Box? A petite young mother revealed that she could earn a hefty side income playing online games, all this while her baby watched while strapped onto the mother via a carrier. Baby must have felt the adrenaline rush too for she neither complained nor cried one bit. In fact, it was one of the methods that this young mother used to put her baby to sleep.
Who can complain if you can kill several birds with a stone? Side income, plus having fun, plus sleeping baby. Best combo ever. So get set to enter into the world of virtual reality and fight with zombies, slay dragons or even build virtual homes all the while playing peekaboo with the little one.
11Mums Pluck Underarm Hair (Among Other Places)
No one likes having their unsightly underarm hair sticking out. Even more so if you are a mother. Ladies we have an image to uphold! Just because we are mothers, that doesn't mean we should walk around looking like Shaggy the dog (Shaggy lifts head and wags tail). We got to walk out of the house with our heads held high and show the world that no baby is too big a job for us.
Therefore, one must treat the plucking / shaving of underarm hair as utmost importance. Political matters and worldwide issues stand aside (Donald and Kim Jong Un look on with a bewildered face). A momma's gotta do what she has to do. Every unsightly hair sticking out has got to be mowed down. As Yoda would say, "Trim the bushes we must."
10Mums Pick On Acne
Being a mother means literally slaving over your child so much so that you won't even have time to look in the mirror for days in a stretch. Therefore it comes as no surprise that many mothers tend to look like they have aged a millenia. God forbid any mother spend more than ten seconds time in bathroom just to brush her teeth for fear of being labeled as a bad mum who ignores her baby.
Oh the horror (eyeroll by mums everywhere). So when the chance arises, mums will look at themselves in the mirror and let out a blood curling scream. Right after that it'll be a harvest of blackheads, milia seeds and acne. The baby might even enjoy seeing mommy's acne pus being squirted and splashed across the vanity mirror.
9Mums Squeeze Into Pre-Pregnancy Clothes
When no one is looking (babies don't count), mothers will try to squeeze into their pre pregnancy clothes....the ones with corset tight dresses and those killer skinny jeans. Then they will sigh and probably shed a tear or two while packing away those flashy body hugging attires to be donated to charity. One mother confessed that she would try to fit into her size 4 jeans only to have them get stuck halfway up her thigh.
Another failed miserably in forcing herself into her mini black dress only to have those unsightly flab protruding out. Many mothers eventually give up wearing their pre pregnancy attires and burn their credit cards on a whole new wardrobe of clothes three sizes bigger than before. Others will try to shed the pounds and workout (with whatever time they have) to gain back their former body shape (a majority usually fail in the end and end up also with a new set of clothes. Nooooo).
8Mums Scream / Cry / Laugh
Away from judgemental eyes of adults, mums can release their emotional stress and cry their eyes out in front of their giggling babies. Either that or they cry together with the baby. Some mums will laugh for no apparent reason. Others will scream in frustration. With only the baby as the audience, mums can howl, scream and tear their own hair out without worrying that the baby would call a shrink over.
One mum shared that she felt she had to act tough in front of her husband and wouldn't let him know how scared she felt every time the baby choked on milk or couldn't poop. So when hubbs was not around, the mother could finally slink onto the kitchen floor and shed tears of frustration without fearing looking like an idiot.
7Mums Go Online Shopping
What do mums do when left alone with the baby? They go shopping of course! What better way to destress and to reward oneself than to spend every single penny of your hard earned money on clothes you probably will never wear and on gadgets that you probably don't even know how to use?
The thrill of browsing through websites for the latest eyewear and the trendiest clogs would send any mother giddy. Mothers can browse through sites upon sites of winter clothes while rocking the baby, and even visit Toys "R" Us and buy the latest bouncer without even having to set foot outside the house. Hell yeah, click away ladies. Swipe your credit cards till they burn.
6Mums Oogle At The Next Door Hotshot
Mothers, be it SAHMs or FTWMs will have mountains upon mountains of household chores. Many require these chores to be done in the garden or by the window sill. So when mothers routinely complete the ever so exciting task of folding the baby's socks, they tend to become nosy and look at what their neighbors are doing.
One mum bashfully confessed to purposely timing her chores just to get an eye full of her neighbour's ass, no I mean abs. That guy would work out every morning with only his briefs on. And even with the briefs, there was little left for imagination. Talk about de-stressing. Any girl would forget about her worldly worries upon feasting her eyes on such a glorious creation. Ooolala. He's got style, he's got sass. He's so hot you'll want to grab his ass.
5Mums Dish About Their In Laws
Familiarity breeds contempt. No matter how helpful or kind our in-laws can be, there will be days when they can get under our skin (and vice versa). But what is a filial daughter in law to do? Surely we cannot offend our in laws, no no no. That would not be right. Cue to narrowed eyes and side glances by women worldwide.
Hence, the best way to let go of one's frustrations after the in-laws have returned to their own loft would be to express one's dissatisfaction to the best keeper of secrets in the world....and we present to you...tadaa! The baby! Not only will they not tell a single soul, they probably won't even know what heck you are talking about. It'll even be an entertaining time for the little one, they will think that you are talking to them and humoring them and you'll get an outlet to release all the pent up frustrations.
4Mums Drink Alcohol
Left alone with the baby, one mother decided to drink and get merry (not to the point of throwing up of course). Occasionally, she would enjoy a glass of Pina Colada while on other days, rum with vanilla ice cream would satisfy her cravings. When her spouse was out tending to other matters, she would sneak open her treasure trove of wine selection and enjoy a sip or two.
Many people tend to penalize mothers for consuming alcohol while looking after their babies but as one particular mother pointed out, ANYTHING is okay so long as you don't overdo it. Cue to a standing ovation by mothers across the world. After all, wine was originally meant for healing purposes, no?
3Mums Trim Their Babies' Nails
Many mothers enjoy a quiet time tending to their babies without family members or friends making innocent though snide remarks in the background. One mother particularly enjoyed giving her baby a manicure and pedicure session whenever she was alone with her baby.
There would be no nervous gasps from the father for fear of snipping off the baby's fingers or the constant nagging of the in-laws on how to file the freshly cut nails for the up tenth time. Some mothers even store their baby's nails from different months for memory's sake (freaky but true. Imagine being old and grey and admiring your child's baby nails while sitting in a rocking chair. It sends off an M Night Shyamalan vibe).
The grass never fails to look greener on the other side. Many mums tend to envision how different their lives would be without the baby. Some reminisce on the days of youth long gone, days when life was about partying, dressing up to the nines, going to power meetings and late nights out singing karaoke with the girls.
Then poof, the dream would be gone at the baby's wails and the mums would sigh and tend to the babies in their milk splattered clothes (that was probably worn since last Tuesday), disheveled hair (that has not been under the shower since Monday) and stinking mouth (teeth not brushed since Sunday). They will have to keep repeating the mantra, "It'll be worth it in the end" over and over again.
As the architect in the Matrix movie once said, everything that you see was designed by someone, and that includes us. Hence, it comes as no surprise that a majority of mothers will turn to the higher ups for wisdom and miracles. Some mothers go down in their knees and pray. Others will read scriptures and meditate on them. A few will rotate beaded necklaces around with their thumbs.
Regardless the religion, all mothers generally pray for one thing and one thing only. They pray for the wellbeing of their child. They pray for their children to grow up healthily and happily. Why you might ask? Because being a mother means one no longer lives for oneself. One's life becomes entwined with the new lifeform and one would sacrifice almost anything just to ensure that the new lifeform has only the best in life. That my dears sum up motherhood.
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