I’d like to hope that everyone receives adequate – or heck, even more than adequate – education about all things reproductive health at some point during either public or private school. I’d like to think they paid attention, understood it was important, and weren’t embarrassed when that magical moment came in which the teacher asked, “Any questions?”
Where I’m from, education on intercourse starts in fifth grade. That’s when they bust out the diagrams of the various reproductive organs and explain about ovulation, intercourse, fertilization, and implantation. That’s when they talk about girls getting their periods and the other stages of puberty. It’s when kids get a preview of what’s to come for the boys in a few short years, as they start getting smellier, growing facial hair, and getting really, really tall.
Yep, even before those young voices start to change, break, and squeak as they transition to a manlier octave, kids are given the low-down. Thank goodness!
And it’s all repeated, with the addition of genetics and birth control topics, once you’re in high school.
This way, whether or not your parents braved The Talk with you at an early – or any – age, you get a chance to understand some of the most important and fundamental stuff of this human life.
Take this list first and foremost as (awesome) entertainment, and take your questions about sexuality and health to your doctor, but here for your perusal are 20 things you’re not likely to get pregnant from.
20 Pleasure Sans Partner
Some would call it “self-pleasure.” Others would call it jacking off (for dudes). But let’s go ahead and stick with the term “masturbation.”
Masturbating is not how people get pregnant. It is how they deal with natural urges and explore their bodies once they’ve reached a certain level of maturity.
The character played by Jason Biggs in the teen movie American Pie apparently did it with the use of none other than a fresh-baked, all-American apple pie. This sounds a bit impractical and perhaps even unusual (or wasteful??), but to each his own.
Some women employ vibrators or other toys. Some use the tools attached to the ends of their arms (their hands). Not everyone does it at all.
And quite frankly, I’m not really sure what else you expect me to say about this, other than reiterating that it takes two to tango (meaning here to do the deed and begin a pregnancy).
19 Concerning His Tongue
You’ll notice that I’ll try to discuss some of these points in a rather matter-of-fact way. We do have our standards here at BG, after all.
There’s another act that involves kissing of sorts and, like our previous point, does NOT involve semen having a chance to enter the vagina and fertilize the female’s egg.
It’s an the oral deed performed by a male on a female. Some may call it “going down on her.” Some may ascribe a certain baseball base to the act to say it with innuendo.
No matter what you call it, a guy giving oral pleasure to a girl is not what leads to pregnancy.
It, like kissing with mouths, can lead to the transfer of infectious disease. And it is usually considered a intimate act.
But it’s not 'doing it' in the traditional sense, as in intercourse, which is what can potentially make babies.
18 Mouth To Not-Mouth
Giving head, giving a BJ (blow job), and many other names have been created to describe a woman (or anyone) performing an oral act on a man.
In this case, the male reproductive organ (let’s just go ahead and be adults and say “the penis”) does not enter the vagina and there is therefore no chance for sperm to reach and fertilize an egg in the female body.
The male organ enters the partner’s mouth, and again, this is considered an intimate act although it is not intercourse in the traditional sense.
And we will try to be sure to point out with each item here, too, that this act can indeed lead to the transfer of infectious disease.
Herpes, HIV/AIDs, and more are all possible outcomes of oral.
17 Touching Him
There are all sorts of intimate acts that are not actually “doing it” (as in the penis entering the vagina).
One of them is commonly known as a “hand job,” and it’s probably pretty clear to many readers what this means.
But just in case, it’s when a partner (we’ll say a female in this case since this article is about the possibility – or not – of a female getting pregnant) uses her hand to pleasure a male.
It’s sort of like what a male may do to pleasure himself, but a partner does it for him.
It’s still very much a physical act, even if it’s not intercourse.
But it does not include that crucial factor of sperm entering the female’s vagina and having a chance to swim like hell and fertilize an egg.
16 Him Touching Her
If the dude touches the chick as a way of pleasuring her, it is considered an intimate act, but if it doesn’t give those little swimmers (sperm) a chance to enter the vagina, travel to an egg, and fertilize it, well then it is not something that can lead to pregnancy.
External touching, “fingering,” and other such acts would all fall into this category.
It is certainly possible for a female to climax (or orgasm) as a result of this act and many others that are not actually “intercourse.”
Clean hands, trimmed and clean nails, and her guidance may all be very important factors when considering this act, to be quite frank.
But whether or not the female will get pregnant from him doing hand stuff to her should not need to be an issue.
15 Bumping Stuff
I don’t like the word “humping.” I’ve never said it out loud, that I recall, and I’ve certainly never typed it until now.
But I do think that if something I say or type helps people (likely young people with a lot of important questions) to better understand how being intimate and pregnancy work, then it’s worth me going ahead and typing or saying it. So there, I did it.
As touched on in a doctor-reviewed Cosmo article, “dry humping” is not something that leads to pregnancy.
You probably know what that is without me explaining. It involves both partners leaving their clothes on. Fluids are not exchanged. The actual 'act' does not take place.
It may be considered by some to fall under the umbrella of an intense make-out sesh.
14 Kissing With A Twist
Why is it called a “French” kiss? Was it previously the American way to never allow lips to part during kissing? I guess they do say the U.S. has its Puritan origins… But I digress.
In any case, French kissing is considered to be kissing using the tongues. One could debate when French kissing crosses over and becomes “making out,” and I’d bet that this definition varies depending on how old you are, your upbringing, and where you live in this weird, wild world.
So you see that French kissing does involve the exchange of a bodily fluid: saliva (or spit). It does not, however, involve that crucial bodily fluid involved in human reproduction: semen.
And that’s the key point. While many intimate acts may allow for the spread of disease, they do not all allow for the traveling of sperm to the egg, so do not result in pregnancy.
13 Marking It With A Love Bite
Whether you call it a love bite or a hicky or something else I’ve never yet heard of before, when you kiss (actually more like suck on) your partner’s neck and it leaves a telltale sort of bruise-looking thing, it may be an obvious sign to family, friends, and the rest of the world that you’ve been making out, but it is not a way to get pregnant.
Have you ever noticed someone wearing a turtle neck or scarf on a really rather warm day? Perhaps, but certainly not necessarily, they’re trying to conceal from curious onlookers a telltale hicky.
Hard kissing, sucking, and biting – often on the neck but I suppose they could happen anywhere mouth meets skin – may all lead to hickies. Hickies, however, are not the stuff of baby-making.
12 The Big O
Some women never experience them (how sad, right??). Some do multiple times in a row.
It’s the orgasm, and it’s often the goal or part of the process of intercourse and other intimate acts. It’s when a man or woman climaxes and is often considered to be when a person achieves sexual satisfaction.
Well guess what? Having an orgasm (on its own) is not what leads to pregnancy.
Now, if that orgasm was accompanied by intercourse and the sperm having a clear path an egg, THEN it could very well lead to pregnancy.
But if that orgasm is achieved through some other means, it doesn’t put a woman at risk for needing to change her official title to “mom.”
The peak of pleasure, or la petite mort (or “the little death”), can very easily be a separate occurrence.
11 Some Smooches
Ah, sigh… Do you remember dreaming of your first kiss, or walking off starry-eyed after it finally happened?
Maybe it was at a birthday party, away at camp, or after sneaking off to some secret corner with a friend-turned-admirer…
Well while kissing may be considered quite magical, quite exciting, and quite intimate, there is one thing that it is not: a way to get pregnant.
If any bodily fluids are exchanged, it’s a bit of saliva. While this certainly can encourage the spreading of various infectious diseases, it doesn’t involve that one crucial fluid to reproduction: semen.
It also doesn’t involve giving that semen a chance to travel to the female’s egg and fertilize it, causing pregnancy.
In fact, kissing has nothing to do with the reproductive organs at all!
10 Heading Below The Belt
Isn’t it great? No one else can ever control your mind. Your thoughts are your own, and you can do with them as you please. You can share them, you can keep them to yourself, you can create something beautiful or interesting or helpful that grew from them!
People can even think about or imagine any variety of physical acts. They may not exactly be able to help it, or to completely control what they do or do not think about.
And if it’s getting pregnant that they’re worried about, well then that’s A-OK – because simply thinking about 'it', and things of this nature is not at all what leads to pregnancy. In other words, a baby can’t be made from thinking “dirty” thoughts.
Intercourse would actually have to be physically engaged in for there to be a risk for pregnancy.
9 "Literary" Lust
Just as what someone thinks in their own head does not lead to becoming pregnant, nor does reading about pshycial or other intimate acts.
Growing up, we sometimes joked about the “hole in the cover” books for sale at chain grocery stores and drugstores. This was our term for those silly-seeming “romance” novels with dramatically suggestive drawings on the front, often featuring characters in exotic and ridiculous (and sometimes historical) scenarios.
And when I think about these books, I can’t help but think about that episode of hit 1990s show Friends in which it’s discovered that Rachel keeps and reads (and rereads) a tattered romance novel.
She owns up to enjoying the erotic fiction, perhaps the show’s writers’ way of saying, hey, in this day and age, women and men and everybody are free to read and think what they want.
8 Getting Affectionate
Almost more romantic than the first kiss, if you ask some folks, might be the hand hold.
Sure, they might be sweaty. And yes, you might sit or walk rigidly, your heart pounding at the mere thought that you are actually, finally touching your crush at last. But it’s certainly a thrill, and maybe just one of the sweetest ways that people of all ages and at all stages show their affection.
(Have you ever seen an elderly couple sitting together on one side of an otherwise empty restaurant booth so they could hold hands? ’Cause I have, and OMG is that cute.)
But it’s certainly not gonna produce any babies – even for those in the reproductive years of this life!
Holding hands can be quite magical, but (figurative) sparks will likely be all that are produced.
7 Only Letting Love 'In'
No matter how charged, how passionate, and how swoon-worthy, a hug is not the stuff of baby making. No, siree.
Unless that hug was naked and the man’s member went into his lady friend’s va-j-j, it’s not at all intercourse and therefore not at all a chance for a male’s sperm to fertilize one of a woman’s eggs.
If you walked in on your parents doing it on accident and they told you they were hugging, that’s not what hugging is. Hopefully they were using birth control such as the pill or condoms (or many other options out there) – unless they were trying to make you a brand-new little brother or sister.
Hugs can be quite nice, especially with that one person who is your special, romantic interest. What a comfort to be loved and hugged!
6 Revealing Some Skin
You may have noticed that some of the points made in this both hilarious and informative list are almost purely just for fun – a chance for us to entertain you with silly references and eye-catching images to make your day a little brighter and maybe even a little better (and for you to share said funny writing and images for your friends to check out online).
Well here’s something that maybe should be taken seriously. Women and girls can dress however they want. Their fashion choices can be an art form, for practical reasons, or for whatever motivation they may have. And even if some people consider their clothing “revealing” or “slutty,” clothing alone will certainly not get someone pregnant.
Side note: a girl or woman wearing what someone considers to be revealing clothing is NOT an invitation for physical advances.
5 Having Two X Chromosomes
Here’s another good one: Simply being a woman does not mean that you will be pregnant at some point. Being a certain gender does not determine your fate. What we’re saying is, people don’t get pregnant just by being female.
And, oh boy, are there a lot of factors involved.
Some women can’t biologically reproduce. Some women make the choice to never have kids. Others (MANY) use birth control (a wide variety of methods with something out there sure to suit everyone) to carefully plan and control when and if they will become mothers.
And for a handful of years, now, hormonal birth control has been available with a prescription for FREE in the U.S.
Even condoms are available for FREE at Planned Parenthood and other such centers so that people can do what they need to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies as well as disease.
4 Hickies Don't Carry Swimmers
Being the recipient of intense kissing, sucking, or biting from an intimate partner on the neck or other skin may very well result in having a “hicky,” a bruise-like mark that appears (and sometimes lasts for quite a while) on the skin.
But because a gal is receiving kisses and love bites, not semen that can travel to and reach an egg, getting a hicky is not an act that leads to pregnancy.
It may lead to your parents interrogating you or grounding you if you’re a teenager. It may cause some spicy rumors to circulate at school the next day.
Basically, if someone is trying to keep their intimacy with their partner under wraps, sporting a hicky on the neck or some other visible place is not in all likelihood a great way to do it.
3 When Romance Gets The Blood Pumping
Food can be rather sensual. And if we share it with someone, saliva may be exchanged. Infectious disease may be spread. Pregnancy however, will not be a direct result.
Even if you slurp a shared spaghetti strand until you and your partner’s lips lock, it is certainly not considered intercourse, and certainly does not involve the male’s sperm having a chance to enter the female’s vagina – certainly not in any type of eating or food-sharing we’ve ever witnessed or heard about.
Cooking food for your partner may be a way to show you sincerely care. It may be a decent way to set a romantic scene on date night.
It shows you care about the nourishment and enjoyment of your partner. And hey, everybody needs to eat, so why not get together to do it?
But it is not what leads to babies.
2 Getting Too Close On The Dancefloor
Though the chaperone at the junior high dance may have scolded you and your partner to “Leave room for Jesus!” or insisted that you keep the distance between you equivalent to that of a fully inflated latex balloon, it was in all likelihood for the sake of appearances and maintaining a charade of age-appropriate behavior – not to prevent pre-teen pregnancy.
Though dancing may sometimes be very romantic and extremely intimate, indeed.
And hey, now that we’re seeing a very long and very glorious ’90s revival when it comes to all things pop culture, is “freak dancing” seeing a resurgence? In case you aren’t familiar, it’s when a couple “bumps and grinds.”
Well whatever type of dancing it is, unless it’s naked and the pepe goes in the va-J-J, it’s not intercourse and not what’s done to make babies.
1 Feeling Dirty
Maybe you’re listening to moans of R. Kelly. Or is it Ginuwine’s “Pony” that make you say, “Uhhhhhhhhh”? Or there’s that old stand-by about how The Notorious B.I.G. loves it when you call him big poppa (put your hands in the a-ir, if you’s a true playa…).
These and other ridiculous R&B and poppy rap jams of the ’90s and beyond may make you feel dirty or even blush just to hear them.
But no, we’re pretty sure listening even to the most freak-nasty jams won’t get you pregnant. Because being intimate is what gets you pregnant.
Your momma may not like it, your grandparents may be super confused by it, and you may be most comfortable dancing to it alone (or in a super dark junior high gymnasium), but no matter how dirty it sounds, it is, after all, just music.
Sources: Cosmopolitan.com, CDC.gov