Choosing a baby name is no easy task. Not only do parents have to pick a name that sounds right for them, but one that their child can hold up on the playground. You’ll most likely spend endless nights (and days) trying to narrow down your list of potential names. You might want a classic name. You might want a name that will make your child sound intelligent. You might want a name that will guarantee popularity. Or you might choose a name that sounds trendy, stylish and cool.
While all of these are legitimate reasons, we are here to warn you not to give your child a name that you might regret give years from now. Why? Because chances are that you might end up choosing a name that sounds okay today, but will sound absolutely awful by the time your child hits the 4th grade.
Think of it this way. There are only one or maybe two items in your closet that you used to wear five years ago that are still acceptable to wear out in public today, right? Well, baby names are the same way. You don’t want to name your child that will sound like an over washed pair of bell bottoms. That’s why we’ve got a list of 25 names that will sound utterly ridiculous 5 years from now. Let us know what you think!
If you think that Ivanka is a good moniker for your baby, please, think again. Yes, there are people out there that think the First Daughter of the United States is a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken and stylish woman. She’s a successful businesswoman and a mother. But at the same time, she’s also the daughter of one of the most controversial Presidents that the United States has ever seen. And because she is a member of her father’s cabinet, she is also highly criticized for the things she does or doesn’t say or do on a daily basis.
Plus, “Ivanka” isn’t a real name. It’s a cutesy way of calling someone by the name of Ivana. Also, you don’t want people thinking that your daughter Ivanka’s middle name is Complicit. You know there’s going to be at least one person who will ask.
In another lifetime, Barron would be an acceptable name. Just not in this one. That’s because Barron sounds like a name of a guy who still visits his country club even though his membership expired years ago and he thinks he can get away with it simply by winking and smiling his way inside. Plus, those pink Vineyard Vines shirts that he wears are plain awful.
Going back to baby names, Barron is a bad choice. And just like Ivanka, you don’t want to give your child a name that might hint at your current political affiliation. And you don’t want to give your child a name that might make him sound like a jerk one day, too. I mean have you ever met a Barron that was a nice guy? I didn’t think so.
Yes, Emma is an incredibly sweet, popular and charming name right now and quite honestly, Emma has managed to stay on the top of the baby name charts for quite some time. And yes, your daughter’s best friend is probably named Emma and you probably know at least three or four Emma’s in their Kindergarten class, too. The name is so incredibly popular that honestly, we’re not surprised that every other child in your Mommy and Me play group goes by the same name, too.
Unfortunately though, with all good things in life, Emma is going to soon expire as a name. That’s because yes, you can have too much of a good thing. Eventually, we all get sick of it. And we will also be totally sick of naming every single toddler walking this Earth by the name of Emma, too. It gets confusing!
I’ll admit that the first time I heard this name I really did think that this was a cute Disney princess name. Because it sure sounds like it, right? But it’s not. And it’s not a good name for your future daughter, either. Trust us when we say that everyone will mistakenly call your child “doorbell” if you stamp this on her birth certificate.
Yes, Bell or Belle is cute. It’s acceptable. But Adorabell isn’t adorable or cute. It’s just an exceptionally stupid and bizarre sounding name that your daughter will try to change the moment she becomes a legal adult. Heaven forbid someone try to poke your child or call her “ding dong” as well. Now that would be just plain awful but guess what – it can and will happen.
I know that for several years now there’s been this trend (in both baby names and in brands) to refer to our children as members of royalty. You’ve got t-shirts emblazoned with the words “I’m a Princess” or “I’m a Prince” and mothers and fathers treating their kids like they are the next King and Queen of England. Well, I’ve got some bad news for you: chances are that very few of us actually have royal blood and therefore, shouldn’t be treated as such.
With that being said, please under no circumstances name your child Ya-Hyness. Not only is the spelling dumb, but the name can cause a lot of problems in the future. Not only will your child have problems with spelling, diction and grammar, but it will also give them some serious psychological problems, too. This name is just calling for other kids to make fun of your child.
We get it. Every woman wants to have long, thick and beautiful lashes. And every mom with a part-time job or some serious hustle also wants to make a few bucks on the side by promising other women that they can have long, thick and beautiful lashes if they sign up to their newsletter and buy a monthly supply of their Younqiue products. I mean, we all know at least one friend who promotes the crap out of this stuff on social media, right? Ugh!
But naming your baby after your favorite brand of mascara is just dumb and honestly, it should be illegal. Don’t do it. Because chances are you won’t even be applying mascara or any makeup by the time your baby arrives. You won’t have the time!
Just like Ivanka above, you don’t want to go political with your baby’s name. Everyone knows that things can change 5, 10 or 20 years down the road. You might love a certain political figure now just to find out that you’ve been totally duped. (Don’t worry, we’re not blaming you. We’re all in the same boat here).
Plus, Obamanique just sounds like a former President with really great eyelashes. I’m sorry, but when I think of the name, I can’t help but think of a baby with a much older woman’s face and a knack for selling crap on social media. Just like every name that we’ve been listing here for you, this is yet another example of a bad parenting decision. Obamanique is not cute, funny or realistic for that matter.
Let’s hope that Baby Billion is not going to grow up to be broke, because that would be a very funny/sad situation to be in. I mean, talk about the pressure to live up to your name, right? This baby’s parents are so greedy that they just couldn’t stop at a Million. No, they had to really put the pressure on by naming the child Billion.
If I had the time to tell you a billion reasons why you shouldn’t go this baby naming route, trust me, I would. Don’t name your child Billion. Or Million. Or Dollar. Or Pound, for crying out loud. Keep your money (or your financial dreams) in your bank, where it belongs. Don’t scare your child by giving everyone a Billion reasons to hate him.
You know this is bad. Like, really bad. Chloe used to be a wonderful, beautiful and completely acceptable name. After all, we all know a few Chloe’s in our lives, right? And the Chloes we know are usually fun, caring, popular and pretty with a great sense of style.
But Khloe (with a K of course) doesn’t represent any of those qualities. Why? Because when you think of Khloe, the one person who comes to mind is that loud-mouthed reality television star who thinks she’s the brains of her family. She’s also the face of one too many (allegedly) plastic surgeries. Please don’t do it. Kim, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie all beg you not too, as well. Actually, I’m pretty sure that the entire world can agree with me here, too.
16 Kylie And Kendall
Speaking of bad names that start with the letter K, if you are expecting twins please don’t name your two daughters Kylie or Kendall. Or if you happen to be expecting a boy and a girl, Kylie and Kendall is still a bad idea. And yes, we know that Kylie and Kendall are not twins, but the world still thinks of them as twin sisters. This is probably because they are often clumped together as second tier Kardashian sisters.
And while the Kardashian and Jenner family have done a magnificent job of extending their 15 minutes into ten long years (and everyone says they don’t have talent. Look! It’s magic!), we don’t know where they will be 5 years from now. Hopefully it’ll be somewhere in celebrity obscurity, but you didn’t hear that from us.
Here we go again doing things we told you earlier not to do, and that’s name your child after a fictional television or movie character. In this case, you think your being cute by naming your child Piper, or after your favorite character on the Netflix original series, Orange is the New Black. Oops. You did it again. You ended up giving your daughter a moniker that will sound seriously stupid ten years from now.
Why is Piper a bad name? Because no one wants to be associated with a television show about women-gone-bad in prison. Sure, Orange is the New Black is a great show to binge watch late at night when the kids are in bed. But please don’t make your daughter repeat over and over again that she was put behind bars for a crime she supposedly didn’t commit.
14 Prince George
It doesn’t matter if you name your child Prince George, Prince or simply George because all three names are horrible. Let me explain to you why.
The only person who is allowed to be called Prince George is the future King of England. His parents are Prince William and Kate Middleton, so he’s made it in life either way. Prince just sounds like you can’t get over your 80’s pop idol crush. And considering your age now, that makes you look bad. And I’m sorry, but George is never a cute name. It might sound okay for your grandpa, but not for your kid, for crying out loud. There are enough babies out there that suffer from old man face syndrome. And don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Vita, Vida, La Vida Boca. I really don’t care what’s going through your head while you are coming up with baby names, but please don’t give your child a name that sounds like a brand of really expensive (but ineffective) water from Whole Foods. And if you think giving your child Coconut as a middle name, you truly are an awful person.
Vita just isn’t cute. We don’t know any other way to say this to you, but Vita isn’t even an acceptable name for your liberal Abuelita, who just happened to be a crunchy, holistic mom before it was trendy. And I would hate to say this, but Vita does sound like someone who is always trying to give you advice on how to improve your health and your life. It’s both annoying and nauseating.
Before we get into this, let’s just get one thing straight here: there will always be just one Frida Kahlo in this world. I don’t care if your child is the next Picasso with his or her refrigerator doodles, no one and nothing compares to Frida, ok? With that being said, we don’t give you permission to name your child Frida, either.
Plus, Frida is just going to sound awful as a child’s name five years from now. And not that we need to mention this, but a lot of people are going to be confused about the pronunciation of your child’s name, too (is it Freeeeda or FrEYEda?). The worst part is that a lot of people just won’t care. Do us all a favor, and cross this name off of your list.
Elizabreth. Elizabeth. Elizareth. Eliza. Bad Breath. Do you see what I’m trying to do here? Elizabeth is a beautiful, classic name that has managed to withstand the test of time. Your great grandmother and your 2-year-old niece are probably both named Elizabeth, because that’s just how classic this name is. Don’t think that you are doing anyone any favors by totally butchering the name.
Plus, do you really want kids asking if your daughter Elizabreth has bad breath? Because you know that’s what it sounds like. These hybrid names might sound like a good name to begin with but trust us, they are not. You’re not be special nor creative in this case. And you are going to end up making your child hate you, which is the last thing you want. Especially if her name is Elizabreth.
Oh my goodness, this has got to be one of the worst names (or ideas) on the planet. I don’t even have words for this. It’s like someone is out there looking to butcher the English language, one baby name at a time (and so far it seems to be working!). There are parents out there that have actually given their child this name.
If you needed a second to figure this name out, don’t worry, you weren’t the only one. Not only does this have to suck for any child named Mhavrych, but especially his teachers, too. Why? Because they are going to be forced to learn how to spell this mess of a name. Simply put, it’s just a bad idea. Don’t do it! Mhavrych and Maverick both beg you not to.
By all means – and we are truly begging you here – please do not name your child hashtag. Do not name your child Hash Tag. Do not name your child Hash. And definitely do not name your child Hashbrowns. Please do not make your child the laughing stock of his or her pre-school playground by giving them a name that was invented on the internet and on Twitter, no less. By the time your child starts elementary school full-time, Twitter might not even be in existence.
Plus, this is just the stupidest name we have ever heard on record. Your child might have to spend the rest of their lives explaining to others what their name means. There’s nothing more stupid than a person who speaks in nothing but hashtags. #Right?
It doesn’t matter if you name your child Phelony or Phel or Felony or Fel. Please don’t do it. Don’t scare your child on the first day of his or her life by giving them a name that will suggest that they have engaged in some sort of criminal activity at least once in their lives. That’s not something they want on their record or their birth certificate for that matter.
Plus, this entire trend of giving your child names that start with “Ph” rather than it’s correct spelling is wrong. Your child will spend the rest of his or her life correcting other people everywhere they go, from their first day of school to their first day on the job. Trust me that no one has time for that!
7 Britney Shakira Beyonce
Just saying this name is giving me a serious headache. And it’s also reminding me of every single awful song that has ever been played on pop radio. One might be the princess of pop, the other is the queen of Latin music and yes, the third is the queen of the world but that doesn’t mean you have the right to name your child this awful idea. This is not an ode to pop music or these three ladies for that matter!
With that being said, we’ll give you a pass if you decide to just name your child Britney. Or Shakira. Or Beyonce. But please don’t do all three at the same time! Plus, think of it this way: your child’s initials for their first name will be BSB. That just sounds stupid.
6 New York
Yes, names like Brooklyn, London, Paris, and Ireland have all managed to infiltrate their way to modern society. We all know at least one person with a geographical-sounding name in our lives, right? You either went to college with a Brooklyn, played soccer with a Paris and knew a girl named London who thought she ruled the social world at your school. But if you name your child New York (and records prove that parents do this), you must really hate your baby.
New York is a great place to live. It’s a great place to visit. And it’s also a great place to explore, wander, hope and dream. But no way should you name your child after the best city in the world. It’s tacky, it sounds awful and you’ll just end up sounding like a Real Housewife cast off.
No. Just no. Don’t name your baby Audi. Don’t name your baby Mercedes. And my goodness, don’t name your baby BMW, even if you think the initials sound cool. Because we’ve got a newsflash for you: it’s not cool! Audis belong in the car garage or driveway, not in the nursery. Don’t make this mistake.
There’s a reason why cars are named what they are and that’s because they don’t sound right on people. Baby Audi? That just sounds like your man has a seriously disturbing obsession with his car. And Baby A4? I just can’t. Everyone is going to crack jokes about your baby needing an oil change each time they smell a dirty diaper. If that weren’t enough, people are going to be asking if they can give your Audi a test drive. And don’t even get me started on flat tires.
Yes, taking care of our ocean, our planet and our future is a wonderful, great idea. And it’s something we should be teaching people young and old and from all different generations. But is it a good idea to name your child after the Atlantic or Pacific? No. And is it a good idea to name your child “Ocean?” Make that a double no.
I would hate to even say this, but some bodies of water might not even exist by the time your child Ocean will fill out the paper work that is needed to change his or her name. Plus, you don’t want people looking at you, wondering if you breastfed Ocean up until his 8th birthday. Yes, that might be a good choice for some people, but let’s be honest here. There’s not enough breastmilk in this world to fill up any Ocean, ok?
3 Audio Science
Oh goodness gracious, are people bored? I mean, with so many different social media networks, so many online streaming services to choose from and so many dive bars you could easily frequent on a weekly basis, who in the world has the time to come up with such an awful name like Audio Science?
Just like Audi, Ocean, Frida, Vita, New York, Kylie and Kendall, this name takes the cake as being the worst of the worst. What will make this worse is if your child will end up failing every Science test during their academic career out of pure spite. That, or if they refuse to speak to you no matter how many times you try and “turn up” the audio. And we don’t blame him, either! Audio Science has a right to hate you.
2 Tu Morrow
Just like Yesterday and Today, Tu Morrow sucks as a name (and don’t think we’ll give you a pass by naming your child Future, either). Tu. Too. To. Why on Earth would you give your child such a ridiculous name that will make him or her hate looking forward to the weekend (or The Weeknd, if you know what we mean).
Baby Tu Morrow will be spending the first 18 years or his or her life wishing you were still a part of yesterday. Don’t make your baby hate you. Can you feel your baby kicking you in the womb? Yes, that’s little Tu Morrow already telling you that you are about to ruin his name for the first half century of his life. He can hear you! And he doesn’t like what you’re saying.
Yes, there are people out there that are freakishly obsessed with the Star Wars movie and everything connected to the franchise. And we understand this because – let’s face it – the movies are iconic and one of a kind. But should you be naming your child after a movie character from the big screen? Let us answer that question for you: HECK NO.
If you name your child Vader (heaven forbid) chances are there will be other kids inquiring about who their father is. Worse, they might also bug your kid for spoilers and ask hard-to-find answers about Star Wars that’ll make your little Vader look like an amateur. Also, your child might feel slightly annoyed or disturbed when every other kid on the neighborhood block dresses like him on Halloween.
Sources: nameberry.com, babble.com, mom.me, today.com
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