There are plenty of wrong reasons for which people have children. If you are going to start a family, it should be because you and your partner want to – no other reason. However, there are plenty of people out there who let themselves be influenced by several outside and totally unnecessary factors.
After taking this step, most couples start feeling a certain amount of resentment and regret even though they love their children to bits – that’s only because they had their kids for the wrong reasons. The fact of the matter is that bringing a child into this world brings immense responsibilities with it. Not only do you have to put in high levels of physical and personal commitment, it also entails getting several other people involved in your life for the upbringing of your baby.
For this reason, it’s necessary for you to think things through as best as possible before making this major decision. There’s no reason why you should get sucked into parenthood. Let’s be honest, for every good reason to have a baby, there are countless outrageously stupid reasons for doing it. A few of them are:
7 Having a Baby Will Make Him Stay
Yeah right – so you believe! Honestly speaking, having a child just so you can get your partner to stay in a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes that you will ever make in your life. Yes, once a baby is added to the equation, partners find it hard to walk out of a relationship due to years of social conditioning making ‘walking out’ morally and socially unacceptable.
They feel compelled to stay in the relationship irrespective of how unhappy they are. The worst part is that the stress of bringing up a baby in an already unhappy relationship usually ends up in a broken relationship anyway – but now, the baby has to bear the pain of his parents’ mistake.
Another wrong reason to have a baby, is thinking that the arrival of the little one will force your partner to marry you. Yes, your partner may be willing to stay in the relationship and even be a parent after your baby’s arrival, but there isn’t much chance that he will be interested in getting married yet. Any marriage that takes place due to sheer compulsion is not going to survive in the long run.
Don’t force him
If your partner truly loves you, he’s going to stick around no matter what – baby or no baby. However, if he is unhappy or the relationship in general is deteriorating, it’s best for you to let him go. Forcing him into marriage and having a baby just for this purpose is only going to make matters worse.
6 My Parents Want Grandchildren
Another wrong reason to have kids involves wanting to keep your own parents happy. Honestly, I know how bad things can get when would-be grandparents start driving you mad with their constant nagging about when you’re going to have kids and start a family. They’ll complain about their friends who have grandkids, but don’t let their wants and desires influence you.
It’s fairly understandable for your parents to egg you on to have children. I’ve come to believe that having grandkids gives them the ability to make right their own mistakes – they also get to indulge their grandkids without having to worry about feeling guilty or having to bear the consequences. Keep in mind, irrespective of how helpful your parents will be, it’s your responsibility in the long run.
Don’t give in
Never one to let up, your parents will first have a go at it for you to get engaged, after which they will insist on your marriage. Once all that’s out of the way, they’ll nag you to have kids. Listen as patiently as possible, but tell them that you don’t want to have a baby right away.
No matter how much your parents try to force you, don’t have children just for the sake of their happiness. Your children will be your responsibility and having them just to make your parents happy is wrong on so many levels.
5 My Partner/Spouse Wants Kids
In some cases, one partner is keener than the other in terms of having children and will keep trying to encourage the other into becoming parents. This really isn’t an ideal situation because forcing someone into having kids is just not right. It’s best when a child is wanted by both parents, and you must refrain from letting your partner or spouse pressure you into parenthood.
A spouse’s interest in having a baby should ideally be the starting point for a discussion about raising a family between the couple – that too at the right time. What this means is that it shouldn’t be an occasion to push the other into doing something that s/he doesn’t really want.
Yes, you may eventually come around to your partner’s wishes, it’s best for you to agree to becoming parents only when both partners are interested and ready – equally ready. No one should force or pressure the other into having a baby. Your partner can cuddle all the babies in the world, but if he truly loves you, he needs to understand that you aren’t interested in parenthood at the moment.
Stop worrying about carrying on your family name
There exists a long tradition of having babies solely for the sake of family lineage – but if this is the only reason why you want to have kids, it’s better for you to just sit back and devote your time and effort to something more productive and creative. In the long-term, you’re only going to regret having a child and this is where things are going to start going wrong.
4 Time is Running Out for Me
Yes, we all know about the great biological clock that continues to tick, and at times it’s this same biological clock that makes women feel like they should have children just because time is running out for them. Honestly, this is one of the worst reasons for having kids – if you’re not 100% committed to having and bringing up a child, the whole idea can prove to be disastrous for everyone involved.
It’s understandable when your friends are all having kids that you begin to wonder what’s next. If you’re surrounded by people who are happily having babies, there’s a good chance that you will make yourself believe that this is what you are supposed to do too.
But the fact of the matter is that there’s always a ‘right time’ to have kids. Although opinions tend to differ as to when it’s best for a couple to have a baby, there’s something known as ‘personal choice’ as well – if you don’t think it’s the right time, chances are that it isn’t. There are no hard and fast rules as to when a woman should give birth, so don’t worry about it.
What about fertility?
Irrespective of how well you know your body, most women have no idea about their ability to conceive – at least until they start trying to conceive. It’s this particular nagging feeling at the back of their heads that makes them so anxious to jump into motherhood. However, you need to take some of the pressure off your mind and assume the best – you should only get pregnant when you’re truly ready for motherhood.
3 Having a Baby Will Help Save Our Relationship
Having a band-aid baby isn’t going to work! There’s no denying the fact that parenthood is extremely demanding and can exert immense stress on a relationship. With that, how do you think having a baby will save your already failing relationship? It won’t – in fact; it’ll probably just wreck it. If things aren’t going well in your relationship, don’t deliberately add a baby to the equation as it is just going to hasten the end.
Studies have long shown that parents tend to be much unhappier as a couple than married couples who don’t have children. Why so? Because being a parent isn’t easy – there’s a lot of hard work involved – and the stress of parenthood can eat away on a relationship. Surviving this stress is much easier if you have a baby at the right time, but bringing a baby into this world just to save your relationship/marriage is just going to prove disastrous.
Whatever emotional breaking points and fissures exist in your relationship at the moment are just going to get multiplied by a thousand the moment your baby comes in. A baby is not going to save your relationship – your angel will only place more stress on it.
Strain instead of repair
The arrival of a baby is only going to strain your relationship – it will not repair things. Yes, there’s a possibility that the baby will remind you two of what you love about each other, but that’s a slim chance. Taking care of your baby and making all the decisions that entail parenthood will only make things more difficult for you.
2 I Need Someone to Love Me
At times women have babies, particularly when younger, in order to fill an emotional void. To them, their baby will be someone who will grow to love them unconditionally – just what they want/need. Yes, this may be true when their child is young, but is there any guarantee at all that they will always share a close relationship between them?
Children don’t come with guarantees so having one just to cure your loneliness is not right at all. Albeit, there is no denying the fact that children are individuals as well. For this reason, they have a right to choose who or when they wish to offer their love according to their emotions and feelings. Quite like you, right? If this holds true for you, how can you expect your child to love you all your life?
Apart from that, when your child grows up into a teenager, you will actually lose count of the number of times he talks back or screams at you because he thinks you are ‘so uncool.’ How will you handle things then? What will you do if your child stops loving you? Seriously speaking, if you want unconditional love, get yourself a cat or a dog – any pet would do!
I want a baby because I am lonely or bored
Not all marriages are happy ones – sad but true. Bringing a baby into this world just because you are lonely, sad or your partner has stopped giving you attention, is not going to help. Your child is not responsible for filling an empty void in your life – it has to be the other way around.
1 My Spouse Will Become More Responsible After We Have a Baby
The biological process of having a baby is in no way going to make your spouse a new person overnight. He isn’t going to become more responsible, particularly if this is not something that interests him. I understand that you want your partner to ‘grow up’ and take a more responsible stand in the relationship, but having a baby is not the way to go about it.
Getting an individual to alter their personality is not something feasible in the first place. What’s worse is that having a baby when your partner is already irresponsible is going to be totally unfair on the baby who needs both parents to look after him with love – and willingly, not forcefully.
This in no way means that carefree people can’t be good parents or that having a baby is not going to affect their lives at all. It’s just that the change should be motivated from within – not because external circumstances force them to change.
My children will look after me when I grow old
Yes, in some cultures it is the norm for children to take care of their parents when they get old. But in the western culture, I think it’s unfair to have kids just because you ‘assume’ that they will look after you – your children will have their own lives when they grow up, so don’t let this factor affect your decision to have a baby.
Your children may not be there to look after you or to help you avoid loneliness – they won’t grow up to be with you forever as they will have their own lives.