Do you respond with yelling, screaming, spanking, or punishments when you get frustrated with your children? Does your blood boil every time your toddler makes a mistake or does something that you have labeled as "stupid?" Does your type of discipline depend on your emotions at that moment? Well, then you may be an angry parent.

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Every parent has been an angry parent at some point in their parenting journey. An angry parent is never a good parent. Parents really want to make sure that their children can handle their emotions very well. When a child is having a lot of feelings and can't control them they may scream, hit, or throw themselves on the ground. Likely, you, the parent, would tell your child that is not the way to handle upsetting feelings. However, that same child has watched you respond in the same way when you are frustrated. Stuart J. Murphy, Visual Learning Author, and Consultant said, "Modeling is an important tool when dealing with self-regulation and addressing the development of skills such as persistence, attentiveness, and cooperation. Children need to have the opportunity to see what a particular skill looks like, reflect on what it accomplishes, and discuss their understandings." In order for children to learn appropriate responses to emotions, they have to see their parents respond positively.

So, what exactly is an angry parent? An angry parent is exactly how it sounds. It is a parent who is often angry with their children and responds in aggressive ways such as yelling and spanking. Being an angry parent is not a good parenting style and also ends in a lot of parent-guilt. Typically after you yell at your children you don't think, "Wow, that was a really good thing I did." You are probably wondering why you can't be more patient with the people you love more than anything! Aha Parenting explains why parents are sometimes angry;

no matter how aggravating we find our child's behavior, that behavior doesn't cause our angry response. We see our child's behavior ("He hit her again!"), and we draw a conclusion ("He's going to be a psychopath!") which triggers other conclusions ("I've failed as a mother!"). This cascade of thoughts creates a run-away train of emotions -- in this case fear, dismay, guilt. We can't bear those feelings. The best defense is a good offense, so we lash out at our child in anger. The whole process takes all of two seconds. -Aha Parenting

Children have the ability to frustrate parents more than probably anybody else. Heck, many adults even share that their own parents frustrate them more than anybody. According to Psychologists, children can trigger parents more than anybody else just because they are our children. Experts call this phenomenon "ghosts in the nursery" and they say "by which they mean that our children stimulate the intense feelings of our own childhoods, and we often respond by unconsciously re-enacting the past that’s etched like forgotten hieroglyphics deep in our psyches. The fears and rage of childhood are powerful and can overwhelm us even as adults. It can be enormously challenging to lay these ghosts to rest."

If you feel like you are an angry parent, you might have tried to not be an angry parent. I know that you look at other parenting styles and you wish that you could do anything to be like those "patient parents" that you see. You may think that there is no way that they are actually patient all the time, but there are actually parents who don't scream and yell. They actually do exist. You might be wondering how you can be that type of parent.

Here are some ways that you can be the patient parent that you have always wanted:

  • Take Breaks: A lot of the times that parents are getting frustrated, overwhelmed, and angry is because they are just tired. Reach out to your spouse, a family member, or friends to see if they can just watch your children for a couple of hours so you can recharge.
  • Notice Triggers: According to Imperfect Families, "These are the things that lead to your yelling, getting angry and upset. Most people don’t take the time to stop and think about what triggered their response. It seems automatic. However, anger is usually a mask for another emotion such as sadness, fear, worry, hurt, or disappointment. Showing these other feelings feels vulnerable." Anger is often displayed if parents feel like they don't know how to help their children, or they feel helpless. You need to sit back and really figure out what is bothering you and what makes you tick.
  • Breathe: Before you act make sure that you take a deep breath. Right when something bad happens take a moment and just think about the best way to respond to your child. Although this strategy sounds like it might not help at all, "the fact is that breathing techniques really work. If you use the wellness guru, Andrew Weil’s, '4-7-8' technique for breathing, you’ll discover you can calm yourself down rather quickly. Here’s how it works." According to Max Life Project these are the breathing steps you should follow:
    • Breathe in through your nose to the count of 4.
    • Then, hold in your breath to the count of 7.
    • Finally, breathe out through your mouth to the count of 8. Focus on blowing out all of the air from your lungs in this step.
    • If you take four 4-7-8 breaths in a row, your frustration will likely dissipate and you’ll feel better.
  • Never Punish Angry: How many times have parents spanked their kids after they have calmed down? Well, of course, that happens, but often spanking comes from anger and frustration. The child does something naughty after you told them not to and so you get angry and hit them. How many times has your toddler done something they were supposed to and then you left the room and then came back and started screaming? Probably not. The reason you scream is a reaction to something that is frustrating to you. Therefore, your children will learn that they can respond in anger with they have something frustration.

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Sources: Research Into Practice, Bright Horizons, Aha Parenting, Imperfect Families, Max Life Project,  Mother Mag, NCBI