Oh, pregnancy. If it isn't enough carrying a child inside of your body for 9 + months, what else could we have to take on? Remarks from loved ones? Check. Friends telling you horror stories of their friend's labors? Check. Random comments from strangers? Check.
If pregnancy doesn't build thick skin on you Mommas, we're not quite sure what will. Motherhood and pregnancy absolutely helps us become more and more resilient. Whether it's a smirk from a random man checking you out while you put your little one in the car seat or a disagreeing head-shake from a fellow mother trying to Mom Guilt you while you sip coffee while 8 months pregnant, you do you. Don't fret, we have collected 10 classic, awkward questions you'll surely receive while pregnant and how you can respond to them. Sass included? Well, that's up to you.
10 WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
"A baby. Yes, a baby. Firstly: don't assume that I'm pregnant. Whether I look like I have a good bread-bloat from yesterday's pizza or I am holding my (actually) pregnant belly for some added support, if you are a stranger on the street trying to cheer me up, don't waste my time with any sex/gender questions regarding my unborn fetus."
"If you are a loved one and knew I was going to check out the sex through an ultrasound, by any means. But, when it comes down to it, the sex does not matter. We do not know the gender of the baby, only they will know. In the end, I'm having a baby. But if I too have been stoked to find out, well, wait until our big reveal. "
9 WHEN ARE YOU DUE? YOU LOOK HUGE!
"Sigh. Yes, thank you for commenting on how large I look. I surely feel it. How's it feel? Like I am literally carrying a bowling ball inside of my body, ready to drop at any given moment. I am not smiling? Probably because I am exhausted, ready for this to be over. Don't ask how much time left I have....I may drop in front of your face. If I do: don't wake me until it's time."
8 ARE YOU DELIVERING NATURALLY?
Don’t answer. Stare at their private area. See how they react. It may take them a moment or two to consider how personal that question truly is.... but, if they don't.... wait some more.
If you are genuinely comfortable answering this invasive question, by all means! Throw in some detail. Add that you've been working on perfecting your perennial massage and how you're sure you won't tear nearly as bad as your first delivery. But if you do, you have those handy-dandy padsicles in the freezer waiting for their time to be put to good use.
7 WHEN/HOW DID YOU CONCEIVE?
Don't you find this question wild? How people assume that if they ask, they will receive the real answer. Well, tell them whatever you'd like. You do not, by any means, have to be transparent with your personal life; especially a story as personal as this.
We suggest you either say, "intercourse" or, "I'm actually not quite sure..." to get them to pause awkwardly. It's none of their business in the end.
6 IS THIS YOUR FIRST? LAST?
"Firstly, please do not ask me this as I've yet to birth this child. Do I have more at home? None of your business. Do I want more after this one? Well, I'm not sure as they're still safely wrapped around my womb."
No matter who asks this, whether it a friend, a parent or a stranger, they can be sure that your hatred for this individual will heighten just a bit more if this question is asked.
5 ARE YOU NERVOUS TO POOP ON THE TABLE?
"Along with many other things, yes. Or no. Because, there's going to be a lot of bodily fluids that will be exiting my body if I deliver naturally (which is also none of your business), and I'm sure I'll be in just a little bit of pain to not notice my excrements while I push a full-grown infant out of me."
Or, "Not really."
4 DID YOU KNOW….?
Stop them there. You don’t need to hear it. You’re preparing for what’s about to happen. You don’t need to hear about Jane’s second aunt Theresa with her third delivery of twins.
People absolutely love to share their own personal birthing story or a horror story they've heard from a friend of a friend. Please, never share a labor story with a pregnant woman unless they've asked. Don't push them, they may push back.
3 ARE YOU STAYING HOME OR GOING BACK TO WORK?
"Will either decision lessen my stress? Will it validate what you chose to do when you were a Mother?"
Many people have preconceived ideas as to what the best decision for you and your child will be. Rest assured: the decision is solely yours. And, that decision will only affect you and your family, no one else. Thus, these external, forced opinions truly do not matter.
You are welcome to answer honestly, but the moment they begin to tell you why what they chose was the best decision they had made, remember that it worked for them and it may not you. You can also change your decision after it's made. It will work out and it will be ok. It won't be easy. But, it will be ok.
2 ARE YOU TAKING THE EPIDURAL?
This is a classic question asked by nearly everyone you run into. As soon as the topic of your pregnancy arrises, they want to hear your viewpoint on pain medication.
They may not even consider that every single labor is different; not one laboring experience is alike. Yes, the pain during a natural delivery may be a similar sensation; you may know somewhat what to expect. But, you may also know that you plan to take that spinal straight away or wait until you're exhausted from pushing and need a little nap. Don't answer this question if you don't want to. Or, keep the answer to a short, "yes" or "no". No ifs, ands, or buts.
1 DO YOU PEE YOURSELF?
"Do you pee yourself?" No, seriously. We're curious. Because, if you are (especially if you've already had the baby), you may want to consider speaking with a pelvic floor specialist to further assist you.
Urinary Incontinence is incredibly common for pregnant women when they sneeze, laugh hard or get up too quickly. But, if you are having accidents postpartum you will want to see a medical professional to strengthen your core.
Either way, you do not have to answer this incredibly invasive question. If you must, purposely spill your water bottle over your crotch area to have an excuse to walk away from this horrifying conversation.