Divorce is brutal and painful in its own way. It becomes doubly challenging when children are involved in it. Being exposed to parental conflicts can leave deep scars on infants and young children’s minds, affecting their relations in the long run. So, not being swayed by emotions and taking practical decisions become imperative for parents. With a child in your life, you can never put a full-stop in your relationship with your ex.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and relationship expert in Southern California, explains to TheBump, that after a divorce, everyone feels wounded, making it difficult for the entire family. “The parents are going through feelings of failure, rejection, abandonment and loss. And they can lead to competitiveness, recriminations and drama when it comes to co-parenting,” she says. It’s not divorce, but the conflict between the parents that disturbs kids!

Nevertheless, even in the worst of the cases, you can find a way out if your children’s well-being matter to you. According to Edward Kruk, Ph.D., and Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of British Columbia, specializing in child and family policy, spending time with children through everyday activities become critical, particularly after a divorce. Nurturing activities like bathing, bedtime rituals, comforting in the middle of the night, and snuggles in the morning after getting up helps develop and maintain children's trust in their parents.

Quit being negative

Tessina says, “Obviously, your relationship didn't work out. But you need to get over it and move toward the future, which includes taking care of your kids together.” So, the first thing you need to take care of is feeling awful or guilty.

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Now that you are separated try to be pragmatic and place your child above everything else. To help you forgive your ex, start with acceptance and try to see things from their perspective – simply avoiding doesn't help, as your anger will likely swell up again in the future whenever you are reminded of your differences.

Healing is not easy

If you are willing to build a healthy, workable, and long-lasting relationship with the only other person who loves and cares for your kid as much as you do, you both have to heal and move forward. Leaving back the past and dealing with the person you were once in love may not be easy, so, as a safe option, try taking a professional approach. Instead of brooding over where your ex is going and what's is present days look like, focus on your child.

Try restricting your conversations to "kid stuff" and make more requests than demands or statements. In case you tend to land up into fights, limit your communications to emails and messages, and avoid eye contact until you take stock of your emotions.

Consider baby’s feeding schedule

One prominent challenge for co-parenting infants after divorce revolves around the breastfeeding schedules. At times, breastfeeding mothers face maternal resistance when they have to stay away from their children for an extended overnight or full-day separations. Breastfeeding is not only vital for the child's health, but it also plays a pivotal role in bonding. Thus, when designing a co-parenting routine, the partners need to consider the infant’s feeding schedule.

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At the same time, mothers should not use breastfeeding as an avenue to keep the infants away from their fathers. An ongoing father-child relationship is equally critical for children’s development and well-being.

Avoid lengthy separations

Keeping the child away from a primary caregiver, particularly during the first two years, may cause depression and anxiety. They are too young to express themselves, and they lack the cognitive skills to help them to deal with the loss – for them, the proximity of both the parents matter. So, whether you live together or not, providing a rich, quality, and secure parent-child relationships are crucial. It also helps the child to cope with the family transitions more effectively. When both parents take care of their infants’ actively, it becomes required that they both continue with frequent routine interaction with their children even after divorce.

Don’t play ‘blame game’ with the child around

Explaining why it’s heinous to bad mouth your ex in front of the children, Tessina says, “They see themselves as half of each parent, and if you make their father or mother sound evil, then they feel you’re making half of them sound evil.” Even babies who do not understand words can sense the vibes you give. So, start being more kind to each other, if not friendly. You, obviously, want to give your baby a good childhood so don't be into a competition with your ex. Until the child is grown up enough to understand the reasons behind your separation, he will love to see you happy with your ex. Being caught in the middle of a fight is something that none of us desire, and kids are no different than us!

Consider group counselling

If you think you have given your best shot, but are still unable to co-parent with your ex, take the help of counselors. Group counselling with your ex and the child not only helps you both be better parents, but it also helps the child adjust to the changing scenarios. If your child is too small, he might not be able to express himself, but he will surely feel the changing environment. So, it's also important to be consistent in your approach. Trying to pamper the child with extra gifts and attention, may do more harm than good.

Parenting is a challenging journey, and it becomes more so than ever when you have to do it with your ex, but it's not impossible. If the purpose is clear in your mind and you genuinely aim towards the well-being of your kids, you will have to travel that extra mile to build a healthy relationship with your ex – just because your marriage didn't work out doesn't mean, you can't be a parenting team!

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Source: The Bump, Scary Mom, wikiHow, Psychology Today