Dear Doula -

I want to deliver via scheduled C-section but my husband is afraid of how my body will look with the scar. What can I tell him to help him understand this is what I want?

Sincerely, Who Cares About Scars?

Dear Who Cares About Scars -

Congrats on your pregnancy and baby (or babies) on the way! I’m so glad to hear you have a clear vision of your plans for labor. You’re planning a scheduled C-section and you use the word “want”, so this seems to me like it’s an elective C-section. I’m guessing this means a C-section isn’t medically required for your safety or that of the baby. With that in mind, I can understand why your partner might be concerned.

Unfortunately for your partner, I think they’re concerned about the wrong thing. C-sections are major surgery and they require serious rehabilitation. Did you know C-section moms aren’t supposed to lift anything heavier than their baby while they recover? Recovery can take months, depending on your type of incision and closure. If I were your partner, I’d be busy worrying myself about how to manage the immediate postpartum recovery period. Any scar wouldn’t even cross my mind!

This is a delicate line to walk. Yes, I understand why there’s cause for concern - perhaps concern is too strong a word? Really I mean that any surgery, including C-sections, require careful consideration and lots of aftercare. Since you’ll be coming home with a baby, your partner is justified to wonder how the surgery will impact your ability to care for a newborn while you recover.

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At the same time, your partner’s singular focus on the scar left from the surgery is really troublesome to me. A scar should be the least of their worries. After all, pregnancy is going to change your body in strange ways. You might end up with stretch marks, changed eyesight (mine did!), or diastasis recti. None of these things are within your control. Does your partner realize that these changes could be far more impactful and long-lasting than a C-section scar?

While the feminist in me wants to rage against him for being so concerned with appearances. Who cares if your body has a scar? Why must he be so shallow and superficial?

But the doula in me has a suspicion that your partner just isn’t great at communicating their deeply-held feelings. My guess? The scar doesn’t actually matter. Your partner is probably worried about other things - like postoperative infection and other surgical risks. This could be their way of trying to “talk you out of it”, but putting emphasis on something that can be upsetting to mothers. I’d encourage you to sit down and have a conversation with them about the benefits and risks of an elective C-section. Help them understand you’ve done your research and you feel this is the best course.

If during this conversation your partner keeps insisting that it really is a scar that’s holding them back...well, that’s a bigger problem. You can try to explain that pregnancy physically changes the human body, list out all the ways it might or has changed yours. If that doesn’t seem to get through to them, it’s time for therapy. No, really. Couples therapy, and probably therapy for your partner on an individual basis. If they’re worried about the C-section scar, and you can’t get through to them - perhaps having a third party intervene might help him sort out his priorities.

At the end of the day, you need to look out for yourself. Protect yourself from your partner’s hurtful comments about your future scar, mama. Focus on the goal at hand - having the birth you want and a healthy outcome for everyone. Scars be damned.

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