There are few things that change your whole world like being in a relationship. Where once you traversed the trials and tribulations of life alone; you now have someone to share the brunt of all that life has to throw at you. You have somebody in your corner, and you have someone who will never leave you.
It sounds wonderful and it is, but sometimes even the best and strongest relationship has troubles, most of which are only known to those involved in the relationship, while things might seem perfect to those looking in.
So what do you do when things are not working out? Or more specifically, what is the next step after you feel that you have exhausted all of your options when trying to bridge the gap between you and your partner?
In today's modern times, it seems that you are just as likely to get divorced if you get married, as you are to stay together, but a permanent separation should only be considered after every possible avenue of reconciliation is explored, and this includes a trial separation.
The term ‘Trial Separation’ has found its way into our homes, mostly through the media, with it seeming to be all the rage among celebrity couples experiencing domestic woes, but unfortunately it seems that they have a less than stellar success rate.
Fear not, for I am here to tell you a trial separation does not mean that the relationship over, and I am here to provide you with as many tips as I can to help you and your partner get through this less than ideal time in your relationship.
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14 Define the separation
At this point it is more than obvious your relationship is having some problems, but the fact that the idea of a trial separation is on the table means that both parties are not willing to give up the fight.
Set clear and defined parameters surrounding this time apart from your significant other. This includes:
- What are the problems you are experiencing and what are you hoping to gain from this time apart?
- How long the separation is to last
- Who is going where during the separation; establish who gets to stay in the shared home
- Establish your mutually shared financial obligations and ensure that they are still met
- Decide if you and your partner will remain intimate during this time
- Establish set times for communication while not eliminating an open dialogue to express your feelings
13 Couples therapy
If you hadn’t considered couples therapy prior to your trial separation, now might be a good time.
Very often when two people are in a relationship, more specifically, one experiencing problems, those involved can often develop a sort of tunnel vision, where they get so caught up in their own feelings and opinions that they have a hard time looking at the situation from the other person's point of view.
Sometimes all a relationship needs is a knowledgeable and professional third party to view and assess the relationship to help those parties come to an understanding. Remember, if your car isn’t working right, you take it to a professional to fix, and often a relationship needs that same approach when problems arise that you just don’t know how to fix.
12 Re-evaluate the relationship - both alone and with your partner
Make the most of this time apart and do some independent soul-searching and introspection. Think about where you were and how you felt before, during and presently in regards to your relationship. What has changed? Who has changed? Do we both still want the same things?
These can be some tough questions to ask yourself or your partner, but if you can't have an open dialogue and care enough about the relationship, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to sit down and really establish if the two of you are still wanting to travel in the same direction in life, and more importantly, to make that journey together.
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10 Establish and agree upon a temporary parenting plan
Relationships are tough, trial separations even harder, and when you throw children the mix, well, that's when things can get really complicated, but it doesn’t have to, at least, not if you have a parenting plan in place.
A trial separation is no picnic, and this trickles down to the children involved, but by keeping the children’s benefit in the forefront and establishing a fair and equitable parenting plan, all parties can potentially exist harmoniously, while still maintaining a life with as little disruption for the children as possible.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when children are involved in a trial separation is that they are not at any fault, and if anything can even be considered victims of the whole thing (as terrible as that sounds). With that being said, and I hope this goes without saying, but, at no time use children as pawns or as an instrument to affect your partner. Trust me, it's not fair, and it never works out for anyone.
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8 Don’t assume that everything is going to fix itself
In many cases when a relationship leads to a trial separation, it is exactly the mentality that problems will fix themselves that often bring relationships to this shaky ground. And now that you already find yourself at that point, it might be the time to take your relationship problems seriously (if you hadn’t before).
When you were living with your partner, problems were had, that we know. And now that you two are separated, if even only temporarily, I hate to inform you that those problems aren’t going to go away.
While time apart can often lead to new realizations, new perspectives and a better sense of self, it is important to remember that all of these things you gain are now tools for you to use to go back and try and solve the problems you, and your significant other were experiencing. Never forget that reconciliation is the end goal.
7 Don’t relive the past
This might be tough for many of us, but there is a trick to it. Remember, I said don’t relive the past, I didn't say, not to think about it.
Perhaps no time is more important to remember the great moments and the reasons you two got together than during a trial separation, but you also have to remember it was something in the past that happened that brought you here in the first place.
Things were not working, and that's fine, and you should accept that, but what you also need to accept is that going forward, if the relationship is going to work, then things are going to need to change.
For many, this idea of change is unpleasant, and that's ok too, but you need to evaluate your feeling of comfort and your feelings for your partner and figure out which one you’d rather live with, or without.
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5 Communicate productively
It is important to remember that while time apart is a key component of a trial separation, maintaining communication, more importantly, healthy communication is vital.
Chances are if you are in the midst of a trial separation, then you and your partner have probably had your fair share of arguments, don't worry; it happens. That's one of the big reasons why time apart is important, to avoid those arguments and conflicts and replace it with mutually beneficial communication at the times you two do interact.
Choose topics of conversation that you both mutually share an interest in, such as your child/children. Keep the conversation light, for the most part, unless it is during designated times of open communicate such as therapy or an agreed upon sit down between you and your partner.
Remember it is important to express your feeling in the moment, but that might not necessarily mean calling your partner on the phone as soon as you have them. Take advantage of this time apart, and when you have these feelings, write them down and ruminate over them for a while. You would be surprised how much your feelings can change after a good nights sleep, or a bit of time to mull the situation over.
4 Don’t change the rules
Before you entered into this trial separation, you and your partner sat down and established some guidelines and parameters (or at least you should have). Don’t, I repeat don’t change them, not unless you have discussed it with your partner first.
A trial separation is an incredibly turbulent time for any relationship, and the last thing that it needs is for one party or worse, both, to change the rules and cause feeling's animosity. That's not to say that everything discussed should be set in stone, but as mentioned before, proper communication is paramount in the reconciliation process, and a lot of that comes from trust.
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2 A trial separation is not something to enter impulsively
Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, or any combination of the four you are a part of; it is important to remember that couples fight. It’s natural, it's healthy, and surprisingly; it can often help you grow in your relationship, that is of course, if you take the time and allow it to.
What I am getting at here is that a trial separation is one step in the wrong direction of being at the end of the relationship, and hopefully, that is what nobody wants. With that being said, a trial separation should only be entered after all other avenues have been exhausted in an attempt to revitalize the relationship.
1 Don’t be surprised if it turns out to be the best thing for your relationship - regardless of the outcome
Not to sound like too much of a downer, but let's call a trial separation what it is, and that's a last-ditch effort to try to save a struggling relationship. However, sometimes a little shock to reality, and a view of the future without your partner, is all it takes for what once seemed to be insurmountable obstacles and differences between you and your significant other to suddenly not seem so big or important.
While that is the best-case scenario from a trial separation, the fact remains that reconciliation might not be in the cards, and as initially sad, and frightening as that might seem, in my opinion, it sounds a lot better than spending the rest of your life with somebody who no longer is your better half.
While it can’t be argued how scary entering a trial separation can be, it is important to remember all the things that brought you to this point in the first place, and more importantly to remember all of the things that you are fighting to keep.