Most young women have a plan in mind; get married, have 2.5 kids and an awesome career, or get married, have 15 children and homeschool them all. Some aren’t interested in marriage and plan to adopt and some want to marry but never have children. Whatever the plan is, it’s your business and what’s right for you. But what happens when you have planned to have one or more children and it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped? Many women find the possibility of infertility overwhelming – it wasn’t the plan. It affects your finances, your marriage, your personal relationships and your emotional health.

The Low Down on Infertility

According to The International Committee for Monitoring Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ICMART), infertility is a disease in which there has been a failure to establish a clinical pregnancy after 12 months of trying. There are a wide variety of reasons a couple finds themselves dealing with infertility but one in eight couples will based on the Center for Disease Control (CDC) National Survey of Family Growth 2010. Some of those reasons are attributed to the female, while an equal part is attributed to the male and one-third is a combination of the two or unexplained altogether.

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Let’s face it, getting pregnant is a miracle for the average couple. According to the National Women’s Health Resource Center, couples ages 29-33 only have a 20-25 percent chance of conceiving each month and only 60 percent will conceive within six months without medical intervention. Add some contributing factors to those statistics and the numbers drop drastically.

The upside – you’re not alone. Millions of couples have and will seek medical help in order to conceive and there are options. One common option includes in virto fertilization (IVF) and that journey alone, can leave couples feeling frustrated and isolated.

The Frustrations of Infertility & IVF Treatment

Since 1978 five million babies have been born from IVF treatment, according to BBC. But it doesn’t always work and for some, it’s a long road of ups and downs, disappointments and hopeful pregnancy tests. Joanna was diagnosed with Turner syndrome at 27 and had signs of premature ovarian failure. She said the first thing she and her husband did was look at the finances and the time frame they had based on her ultimate inability to conceive down the road.

The first round ended in miscarriage, the second ended with no viable embryos. “The second round was by far the worse,” she told the publication. “Sitting in the clinic car park having arrived a little early, we got a phone call telling us not to come in for what was our embryo transfer appointment because there was nothing to transfer. No viable embryo. Even now, putting that into words is horribly difficult and not without pain.”

One woman told Healthline she tracked her ovulation for three years, coordinating sex and hoping for the best. She grew resentful and felt defeated as it seemed that friends were getting pregnant all around her and their families were picture perfect. “Some days were filled with deep, achy sadness and other days full of intractable rage,” she said. “Infertility infected our lives like a virus.” The feeling of someone asking how many children you have or attending another friends’ baby shower gets to be unbearable, and unless you know someone who has experienced it, they can’t empathize. You’re on your own.

You Are NOT on Your Own

Due to the overwhelming experience of IVF and infertility, there are many support groups available to help couples navigate through the highs and lows. There are benefits in connecting to others going through a similar experience according to Premier Health.

While research and education are helpful, in-person and virtual groups offer this type of connection and is a healthy reminder that though many couples working with IVF express a feeling of isolation, you are not alone. “It’s not unusual for the two partners to experience and respond to stress in different ways, which only increases an already stressful experience,” said Jeremy Groll, MD, of SpringCreek Fertility. “When you find others you can relate to, who understand what you’re going through, it’s incredibly helpful to listen to their stories and to share your own story.”

Support groups can help you gain insight from those who have experienced IVF. Often, they include group forums to share and compare personal accounts. Through discussion, couples can learn about different treatment options and topics they may have not thought to ask their doctor. Learning more about infertility and tips from those that have been there often help couples feel empowered and in control of their daily schedule. The details of the treatment can be explained by peers and support groups often invite experts in the field to join them to answer questions and guide information from a specialist standpoint.

Don’t forget that you can help someone else too. Everyone has their personal story and each one could affect another young couple just entering the throws of IVF or other fertility treatments. As you progress, you become the knowledgeable one and can share what you’ve learned with someone else.

Where to Look For Help

In addition to Premier Health, there are hundreds of other organizations available to help couples in-person throughout the country. Resolve, a branch in the National Infertility Association holds in-person meetings but also offers an online support program and numerous resources for couples dealing with infertility. They have an online directory of more than 600 professionals ranging from reproductive endocrinologists to mental health therapists.

Resolve’s three-year strategic plan updated in Feb. 2020 aims to help people build families. They plan to increase digital and in-person information, expand coverage at work programs to encourage employees to add family building benefits to packages and to work with lawmakers in the pursuit to increase access for medical treatment, adoption and surrogacy options. The Broken Brown Egg is a support group for women of color. The Fertility Talk and Fertility IQ are two more well-established social support groups, offering updated scientific news, informational videos and group discussion.

While infertility can be painful and IVF treatments can be frustrating and expensive, finding support through whatever means is important to physical and emotional health. When you reach the end of your journey – regardless of the outcome, having others in your corner could make a big difference.

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Sources: ICMART, National Women's Health Resource Center, BBC, Healthline, Premier Health, Resolve