40 weeks of excitement! Joy, impatience, fear; these are only some of the emotions that new parents go through before they meet their special one, the little and better version of themselves. I'm even not including all the mood swings the hormones give us during pregnancy. Jeez, no wonder mothers want a prize for participating in motherhood's worst rights of passage.
Whether mom-to-be has taken one of the many classes or read a lot of information that can be found online, none of that can really prepare mothers during their wonderful journey called pregnancy for the end game. Doctors, family, and friends can be supportive on the big day. But sometimes their support can get a little unsupportive when the going gets tough.
While we just need to wait and... count our contractions as it's written in the big books, our friends and family are there with us trying to offer their support, but there are things that we can't predict, like what our support system feels is supportive banter. Things expecting women hear from their partners and unexpected events before labor are some of the moments we can't control, but that we will remember with laughter...
Yes, birth can be fun! And some women go through their birth without a hitch and have the beautiful pictures to prove how serene it was when everyone is calling BS on these stories. Well, maybe after birth pain is long forgotten the other moms will have a good laugh. Based on forums, friends' stories, and even my dazed memories, here are some funny things women hear or do before they give birth.
15 "You Won't Give Birth Today"
Sometimes mothers are too emotional and people don't believe them. Sometimes mums know their stuff, though. You won't give birth today. That's right, that was the first thing that the nurse told me. Hmm, only 5 hours before I actually gave birth to my daughter.
My waters broke early in the morning, a fact that my husband didn't accept to believe till he saw the wet patch on the floor, which on the other hand triggered a frenetic attempt from his side to get the bag we had prepared.
Without having to wait stuck in a traffic jam, we were in the hospital before my contractions were too painful. So seeing me in a good mood, filling all the bureaucratic forms and waiting for the doctor to come, the nurse said that I wouldn't give birth and that (huge) amount of liquids was something else.
Thank God she didn't have the authority to send me home, strongly convinced that I wasn't in labor.
14 "Nobody Gives Birth At Night"
Birth can surprise us - day or night, babies know their way. Well, talking about night journeys to the hospital, another mother shared online her personal story. She had everything ready, her bag, her documents, everything. That's why her husband had the only responsibility to drive her to the hospital.
Her waters also broke at night. And as he panicked, he didn't know where to drive her. After rushing without any directions, the poor man tried to find the address on Google, which made things even worse. The mum started shouting that if they were late for an epidural, she would kill him. Something that made him say that, "Normal women don't give birth at night – only vampires do."
In shouts and cries, they saw they weren't going anywhere, so, in the end, the dad called the hospital for directions.
13 "That's Not Real Labor"
Many times over people in general just don't understand childbirth pain, the sweetest pain of them all--so to say. Many times they only read about stuff without actually understanding it fully for themselves.
A woman shared her unbelievable story with me. Just like that mother who asked me what was wrong when I was almost crying, this woman's husband said something that almost lost him his life. After having pains for more than 19 hours, her man told her that that wasn't a real labor... Because the contractions weren't at regular intervals as it was written in the books.
Another mother who wanted an epidural shares a moment she remembers all too well. When she was asked by the anesthesiologist how much it hurt – between 1 and 10, and when she answered 8, her husband said: “Oh, please, don't exaggerate!”
Brave man, I would say!
12 "Just Slap Her"
Mums are also brave, but they need some directions. I focused on keeping only good memories from the day I met my daughter. All the worries and pains are long forgotten but there’s something I will always remember. Although I had an epidural, I swear it didn't work as I was expecting and as friends were telling me: pains were PAINFUL.
The short story of my birth is that we left at 1 in the morning, at 3 I was finally in the room waiting, at 6 terrible pains started, at 8 I got my desired epidural, at 10 I felt the head of my baby down in my birth canal and at 10.30 we said Hello to each other. Happy times!
But for these few hours, I shouted a good amount, too, and I was saying that I couldn't do it and wanted surgery. In addition, I didn't let my doctor put her fingers inside and holding my legs far from her, she was worried I could hurt the baby so close to the end.
That's why she slapped first my leg and then my face (don't worry, she did it gently), and gave my water bottle to my man who was instructed to pour it on my face so I can be more responsive. It worked!
11 "I'm Tired Now"
Birth is exhausting. Sometimes that's even a bigger obstacle for mothers than pain. This can be also very stressful as women fear they won't be psychically able to keep going until the moment of their active labor. That's why it's normal for them to say that they are tired.
Mums deserve a good rest, especially after carrying their baby for so long in their womb. However, dads also say they are tired. My husband, for instance, left the hospital and for a few hours after we held our baby for the first time because, as he put it, he didn't sleep well and needed some rest.
Another mum shares that after 10 hours of labor her partner also decided to get a bit of break at home. But it's okay, daddies, we understand and still love you!
10 "I Need To Charge My Phone"
Ah, sweet technology. Our babies will be part of the generation whose life will be exposed on all social media channels. We take pictures when they eat, poop and sleep. Don't worry, kids, we will embarrass you in front of your teen friends in the future.
One mum told me her story. While they were waiting at the hospital, the dad said that he needed to charge his phone. He went to see the mum an hour later... as he had to update his phone and wait for the installation to finish. Sometimes dads get too excited a phones and take pictures with stuff they've seen only on the TV or they've read about.
Another woman revealed to me that the dad was so happy to take photos of all the medical equipment that in the end he didn't have any battery power left to take a picture of his own baby. No comment... under the picture!
9 "Did You Catch That Game Last Night"
It's not only technology. Let's not forget about sports, or in this case, soccer.
Often people laugh at the way women communicate - a maze of words marked by emotions, tears and some wide depth. Sometimes men don't understand us. Are we different species? We might be. Because men are also curious. It's not an exception for two men to find a topic that interests them, which they can expand on a beer without even knowing each other.
Sometimes such topics can become the most important thing on the table that can trigger fights or friendship. Or in the hospital!
Well, sometimes soccer can be more important than.. childbirth. A mum says that her husband and her doctor were discussing a match while she was giving birth. She admitted that she hoped they could only hear each other between her screams.
8 "She Keeps Talking About Contractions! What Are They?"
Some people are only interested in their hobbies and somehow become ignorant when it comes to serious topics. Take a dad-to-be for instance. He didn't get to experience every ache and pain of pregnancy, and he tried to sympathize with his SO, but he just couldn't understand what she was going through.
And this isn't going to stop just because she's gone into active labor. Nope, he's still going to be neck deep in man territory, completely oblivious to what is clearly going on in front of him.
Actually, it's not an exception to hear that the size of the woman defines the size of her birth canal. Words I've heard from other women. I just don't know why this misconception doesn't exist for men and their parts.
Anyway, a father of three was a bit, let's put it straight - ignorant, and when the doctors were saying that they had to induce delivery, he interrupted and asked, "You keep talking about contractions! What are they?"
Let's hope that at least he knows what a baby is!
7 "I'm Lady Darth Vader"
Laughing gas can be fun...for the other people in the room who are trying to n=understand what a laboring woman is saying. Or because of what she's saying. Some women choose it to help them deliver their babies. However, with or without medications, a c-section or natural birth is painful.
One mother who also happened to be a labor and delivery nurse had opted to use laughing gas to help her through her pain. This woman was also a Star Wars fan because she could be heard screaming at her nurse that she was the lady Darth Vader and was asking if the doctors could feel her tonsils.
Something she could easily forget... if those people weren't actually her colleagues. Team work, yay!
They'll have stories to tell. Like stories similar to mine - other doctors reported hearing a woman saying, "Never mind, I don't want to do this anymore!" She did it!
Well done, mummies!
6 "What's Wrong With Her?"
Pain is not okay. Surprisingly, I heard another mother ask what was wrong with me during my labor. What a silly question to ask in labor and delivery. There were two girls in the room when I was accepted. Although they were saying that they had been here for more than a day, I knew I was about to meet my little one the same day I went to the hospital.
That's why I was mentally prepared for the contractions that started soon after that. Well, not the pain, though. I wasn't able to walk along the corridor anymore and I didn't even want to move to the bathroom. It was pretty obvious I was in pain.
However, there was a woman in the room next to us who was waiting for a c-section, as I heard, who was very surprised that I was weeping. So, she asked, “What's wrong?” I was in pain, sister! Surprised? Obviously she didn't comprehend that and even went to the bathroom just in front of me.
5 "Don't Help The Cripple!"
And many women are not very polite at all in the throws of labor. Mums admit to screaming at doctors, swearing at partners, cursing getting knocked up in general and yelling at their nurse to take that creature out of them.
A couple had to stop at a gas station before they could reach the hospital because their car had run out of gas (note to all women in their last few weeks, make sure your car is always full of gas!) The contractions of the mum were extremely painful, too close to the "finals."
A man in a wheelchair approached the dad asking him politely to get him a pack of cigarettes as the store, unfortunately, wasn't accessible for him. Seeing that, the mum driven insane by her pain screamed: "Don't help the cripple!"
Politically correct or not, I believe we can forgive her!
4 "I Don't Recognize That Baby!"
Also, we can forgive women that were surprised by the way their little creatures looked straight after delivery.
After a c-section and after hearing that her baby had black hair, one mum said: "That's not my baby!" Well, I guess it's a new scene from the Alien then.
Another mum surprised by the baby's misshapen head, due to a prolonged labor, screamed "Why the hell does he look like a raptor?"
Dads can also be "vein" when it comes to the physical appearance of the baby, I guess. Without even thinking that the face of the baby won't be the first thing to see, a father yelled, "Oh my God, she doesn't have a face!" Well, face down, daddy, palm up!
Sometimes it's not only the face that can surprise parents... but the gender. A mum couldn't wait to meet her daughter and covered everything, from clothes to nursery, in pink. Soon after delivery the nurse showed her the little one who had something unexpected between the legs. "Oh my God, there's a penis", the mum shouted! It's always 50/50, right?
3 "I'm Never Doing It Again!"
Sometimes it's not only the baby that mums fear. It's doing the exact thing that got her in this situation in the first place that she genuinely fears in general. We can't blame them. In the end, sex is the reason behind all the pains, worries and babies. And the last thing a woman in labor wants to think about is getting right back into this exact situation in another 9 months.
The TV was one when another mum started to progress quickly. While she was giving birth, a sex scene appeared on the screen and she suddenly shouted: "Turn it off! Sex is horrible! I'm never doing it again!"
Still, nobody can refuse a good orgasm, so let's not believe in her words.
Actually, that sounded better than what another mum said during labor. While she was on all fours, she joked that that way all started... in front of her mum.
2 "Who farted?"
And if some things are embarrassing, others are natural and embarrassing. It's normal for women while pushing to fart or even poop. Doctors have seen it all, but some mums-to-be are still a bit embarrassed to talk about it.
Actually, sometimes they don't realize what's happening between all the contractions and pain. Well, a woman did what she needed to do and the smell was too strong. Then she turned to her partner and mum and asked, "Who the hell farted?"
Each story is unique and full of things that are pretty funny when you think about them after birth. As a woman put it, "I just shoved that out of my vagina, wahoo!"
In the end, being a parent is the funniest roller-coaster you've ever enjoyed.
1 "Ask The Doctor"
Okay, mums also say some silly things during labor in the heat of the moment. And it doesn't end there sometimes they say unexpected things during their hospital stay too. That night I was in the hospital, one of the girls in my shared room was swearing and saying that she couldn't stand being pregnant anymore and wanted everything to end, and that she was dying for a cigarette.
Without thinking that anybody would actually let her out to smoke, and just trying to be helpful, I said, “Sorry, I don't have any cigarettes. Ask the doctors maybe, I think some of them smoke.”
Another woman remembers that while being high on painkillers she asked for BBQ ribs. Hmm, still some pregnancy cravings or what?
Better to ask, right? Simply because it's more polite.