Ok, admit it. At least once, you’ve done something gross for your kids. Maybe you’ve used your pinky nail to clear out a crusted nostril, or maybe you’ve dropped a steak on the floor and quickly picked it up, blowing off a random floor hair before shrugging and eating it. Or maybe you’ve picked your baby up and shoved their diaper up to your nose to find out if they need a change.
Either way, some of what you’ve had to do as a parent would more than likely make someone wrinkle their nose in disgust. It's entirely possible that while you tried to be discreet while doing something disgusting for your kids someone saw, and you saw that they know what you just did.
And you know what? As a parent that’s done some of this stuff...I’m ok with that.
You’re sitting outside, playing with your kiddo, and you glance down to answer a call. Sighing, as you get off the phone, you see your kiddo has rifled through your bag and gotten into the peanut butter crackers. Now their cheeks are smudged with the sticky stuff. You sigh and lick your finger or thumb preparing to clean your child with your own saliva.
You grab their face, wipe away the food with a look of determination and then send them off to play again.
This grooming, while gross, may be based in more than just convenience. You may be working on instinct too. Primates spend a good portion of the day grooming one another, and their offspring receive a lot more of the grooming than the adults do.
Instinctively, we groom with our hands. These grooming behaviors have their evolutionary roots in our distant past, when grooming like that kept our offspring happy, clean, and healthy. This is literally just your body’s instinct trying to do what’s best for your kiddo.
You’re out to eat, while laughing and chatting with your friends, you smell it, the scent of a fresh diaper load. You look at your little one in the high chair, and smirking at your grinning infant. You pick them up, and do the butt pat. You think it feels a bit fluffy, but nothing hard is in there. So, you take one last breath of fresh air before you stick your nose up to that fluffy bottom and take a whiff.
Phew! You fan your nose as you reach for the diaper bag, and your friends? Well, they’re all giving you the same WTF look.
If you do this-and we’ve probably all done it once or twice, admit it--you are not alone! A lot of mothers admit to doing this, and I don’t just mean at home. It’s a pretty common mom habit to check for a fresh diaper load, especially when you don’t catch them making the poop face. (Yes, that’s a thing.) So relax, you’re not a weirdo!
When your baby/toddler/child is sick, prepare for midnight waking from a dead sleep to console your feverish sobbing child. You sit with them and cuddle them, allowing them to get the comfort they need while you sit up and watch Netflix a bit (you’re multitasking, okay), when you suddenly hear that deeply upset stomach noise that makes you pale a bit.
But instead of getting out of the way of your child's projectile vomit, you cup your hands and catch as much as you can into your cupped palms, before the rest soaks into your stained sweatshirt. Oh well, at least you made it to the bathroom before the second wave hit.
When littles are sick, they need our love more than we need clean shirts, so it’s natural to want to just soothe them until they get all of the nasties out of their system. If that means your shirt takes a hit, so be it. We all gotta make sacrifices. Yours just happened to be your college sweatshirt. It’s all good.
Oddly enough, many people find great satisfaction in digging for and pulling out dried, crusty boogers from their nose, and they find equal satisfaction in doing the same for their kids. You’re playing with your kids, and this one flap of crusty booger gold is clinging to the edge of their nostril flapping with every breath, and you can’t resist anymore. You take your nail and you dig a bit until you scoop it out.
The kid barely notices the difference, and you rationalize by saying that it’s softer on their poor noses than a kleenex would be. But. in all honestly, it's not, because you risk nicking the inside of their nose with your nail. Try and get them to blow their nose. Good habits last a lifetime after all, and you’re not going to be around to pick their nose for them forever.
Your kiddo has been sick for awhile now, and you’re getting worried. Maybe it’s a virus, but what if it’s a stomach bug. Could they have worms, like a kitten? Can babies get worms? You’ve freaked yourself out now, so you take a chopstick, and like a real life House MD, you pick apart your kid’s poop to try and figure out what exactly is going on and why they feel icky.
We’ve all studied our baby’s poop, and it’s good to check on the color, consistency, etc. , because it can keep you knowledgeable about any issues, like constipation, or black poop. And when baby gets into something that worries you, like, say, spare change, then watching their poop can actually be a lifesaver, because you’ll need to know if the coin passes safely or not.
To those who have not had children, you have probably not dealt with the curiosity that comes with a strange purple glob on a white coffee table, and the uncontrollable urge to dip your finger in it and taste it to determine if you’re dealing with melted crayon wax or grape jelly that managed to make it to the living room.
As a parent, you know we have. This taste test extends to testing out possibly spoiled milk, and anything on a child’s plate that we need to whether the food is actually yummy and not just too hot.
Oh and if you think we parents stop at tasting, oh no, we scratch and sniff too. There’s a plethora of smells that we have to figure out, such as if that brown stain on the wall is chocolate or poop. Basically, the lovely sniff test often happens right before the taste test.
Going out to eat is expensive. Heck, even cooking at home is expensive nowadays. So when your kids won’t eat, you’re stuck with the dilemma of deciding if you’re going to throw out the leftover food or not. Most of the time, if it’s something you like, you’re not going to toss it. Instead, you’ll discreetly munch their leftover steak or noodles, as long as it hasn’t been drooled all over or made absolutely gross by dirty child hands.
And while yes, it doesn’t sound all that gross, since sometimes people who are very close to one another share food, (I share with my husband, no big deal) that’s only if it has not, again, been spoiled by kids hands. Kids leftovers often looks like a macabre art project made by gremlins. It’s gross, but it happens.
This happens a LOT, and if you don’t have kids yet, you’ll see it for yourself when you do have kids. You go to take that diaper off, and as soon as the cold air hits that baby, a stream of liquid shoots up at you, and you take it head on for a second while you get that new diaper in place and catch it.
Once baby is all done ruining that fresh, clean diaper, you pull it back and replace it, lamenting as you throw away the diaper that only moments ago was fresh and ready to go.
It’s all about control, and babies don’t have it. As you get potty trained, you gain more control over your urethra, making it so that you make it to the potty on time before you wet yourself. Since babies have yet to gain this control, when the cool air hits them, or sometimes when you put them in warm water, they get the sensation to pee, and they can’t stop it. It’s pretty normal, but it’s still icky.
If you’ve ever run out of diapers before, then you know where this is going. Your little one runs clean out of diapers and you have no way to get to the store for a little while. What do you do? After looking around for a while, you finally decide to grab an old shirt, some pins, and MacGyver that thing onto your baby’s butt. It’ll soak through with one pee, but it’s better than nothing.
When your baby has bad diarrhea, or happens to pee a lot, and breezes through the diapers that you thought would last a few days, then you end up with no choice but to grab something and do it yourself. Outside of the parent world, people think that putting your clothing that you may or may not wear on your child’s butt for them to pee or poop in is gross, but to us it’s a walk in the park. A simple day in the life of parenthood.
Relish it. Ok, so don’t relish it per say, but don’t hate it.
It’s not your typical fishing trip, but it’ll be, well, it’s an experience if nothing else. Your toddler is in the bath, and all of a sudden, they stand up and hold out this lump of brown. As you accept it cautiously, inwardly gagging, suddenly more and more float up to the top of the water.
You grab the little one and pull them out of the tub, praying they don’t pee all over the floor in the meantime, and you begin to fish out the turds--with or without the use of a net.
Sometimes, you have to get your hands dirty, and this may very well be one of those times. You’ll do what you have to do in order to get the tub clean, and since babies and toddlers don’t have the best control over those muscles, sometimes you’ll just have to pick out poop. And then sanitize and refill the bath, because, yeah that’s gross.
When those Teddy Grahams spill all over onto the floor, your kids might make a mad dash fro those cookies like a marathon runner going for gold. Your natural instinct is to stop them from eating those cookies off the floor, but your kids have tuned you out. You’re tired of arguing about whether they should throw them out, and you say, “No, you know what, I don’t even care. Go for it. You go ahead and eat those.”
And well, they’re kids, so they do. Yummy, floor cookies!
The five second rule is a myth, it’s not safe from germs if you pick it up fast enough, but sometimes, we lose that will to fight a child who has already practically licked the floor as it is. Caving on this one every so often doesn’t make you a bad mom, but you have to admit, it is a little gross.Yay, dust bunnies?
No, this isn't about your nail biting habit, and it's not even about your kid's nail biting habit. I’m looking at you, mom who bites her kids' nails. You buy the baby clippers, you stock up on those special supplies, the mini nail files and more, but in the end, their little nails are so small and delicate that you don’t want to risk the clippers hurting them.
So what do you do? Instead, you carefully nibble their nails down and discreetly spit away the nail trimmings with some classy nail spitting action.
We all know how scary a newborn can be, and sometimes trying to clip little nails is scary, especially when, and I do mean when because it will happen at least once, you accidentally clip a bit of skin and make them cry. It happens. Occasionally, the simple answer is to just use your teeth to get the job done, and it works, without a doubt.
Just don’t do it when they get older and start getting stuff stuck under their nails. That's when it's time to break out the clippers.
Whether we’re talking about a wipe bath for you or the baby, sometimes you'll find it’s just easier to grab a few wipes and wipe them down head to toe. The wipes make them smell fresh and clean, and they get all of that dirt off of them too.
Trying to squeeze a bath into your busy day might not happen, but these wipes work just as well. They even work when your deodorant isn’t cutting it for the day and you need a quick pick me up in the armpit region when you’re out and about. Not like I’d know anything about that or anything, I'm just saying, why not. Hehe.
It may seem gross, but honestly kids don’t need a bath every single day. Some research shows that overly clean living can be doing more harm than good. We need certain microbes and bacteria for our microbiome to function properly. If your little one is visibly dirty, then of course, bathe away, but otherwise, maybe stretching out that bath for an extra day isn’t such a bad idea after all.
You know what I mean here. As moms, sometimes we just don’t have time to grab a shower. Or if we do, we don’t have time to wash our hair and fix it every day. So, we let it slide. And we never speak of it, because the general public, in all of it’s infinite knowledge, has deemed that not showering daily is just as bad as performing public defecation. Please note my infinite sarcasm there.
The thing is, unless you’re dirty, greasy, or have some bad body odor going on, you don’t need to bathe daily. It’s more of a personal preference. There’s just no hard and fast rule saying you have to shower daily, it’s all about what you’re ok with. So if you’re comfortable with skipping a day, more power to you.
Kids like to fart. That’s not even debatable, kids think farts are hilarious. We, generally, find them gross. They stink, and if you let one go a the wrong time, you’re gonna push out more than just a fart--a shart. I’m not breaking it down for you, figure it out yourself.
While in the throes of playing, kids will often let one go while they're sitting on you. You’ll feel their butt cheeks vibrate as they let off those horrible scented fumes right on top of you. Now, many of us would let it go most of the time. But if this becomes a regular occurrence, then you'll likely be less forgiving. Some mommies might be out for some sweet revenge. You know, pin them down and give them a taste of their own medicine.
Everyone’s definition of gross is different, and honestly, it’s mostly based on personal preferences. Do you find it gross? If not, then why let it bother you what someone else thinks? Sure, some of these give me the heebie jeebies personally, but it may not do the same for you, and that’s ok.
We’re all different for a reason! The sooner we as moms come to terms with the fact we’re all different, and that it’s ok, the sooner we can start lifting one another up. And to those who judge mothers for being a little ‘gross’, remember the phrase, ‘People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ It definitely qualifies here.
Do you do anything that people would think is gross? Let us know in the comments!