Here I am. Hiding from my children. I don't want them to find me. They are all in a safe place but I just need to be alone. I need a moment to gather my thoughts and I need a second to process my feelings. I cried today for the first time in a very long time. I think the last time I cried was three months ago when my daughter was born and they had to take her to the NICU for a few hours. It takes a lot for me to cry and today, I finally broke. This month has pushed me to the brink of exhaustion.
This month we have dealt with a botched root canal that I had to get redone which was unbelievably painful and cost us a lot of money. Our third baby has gone through two rounds of antibiotics trying to get rid of an ear infection that was so stubborn. My oldest child had a small bout of a stomach bug and my middle son is just a really hard child all around. I just don't understand him and it is hard to really get through to him. He doesn't process things the way normal people do and so he is not very reasonable sometimes. He is certainly my hardest to parent and he has been pushing me pretty hard this week.
Today, I just wanted to eat some lunch. I am nursing my newborn and she still eats every two hours. I never get to eat lunch because I don't have time. My kids yell at me while I try to eat or they eat my food for me. Today, all I wanted to do was eat lunch, my blood sugar was dropping quickly. My husband had just told me that our insurance probably won't cover our root canal and so it would be $1700. My son started crying at me and screaming for me to find the remote so he could watch some stupid show. I then just couldn't take it anymore. I walked away. I locked the door and I am hiding. I can hear them crying and I just need a break. I needed a moment where I could take a deep breath!
I can now feel my heart rate go down. My blood is no longer boiling and I have the chance to be a better mother. Sometimes I just have to hide to get away from the madness. I have to take a moment to count to ten. I need a minute to remember how much I love the little people that I created. I have to make sure that I take a moment so that I won't do something, or say something, that I am going to regret. I love my children so much and I do not like raising my voice and we don't spank our children. It is so much better for me to hide from my children sometimes and I don't feel bad about it!