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10 Hilarious Things Ali Wong Has Said About Pregnancy

Pregnancy can be fraught with stress, so it helps to have something to laugh about during some of the tougher parts of parenthood. Have you watched Ali Wong’s new Netflix show Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife?

RELATED: New Study Stresses The Importance Of Moms Taking Breaks

If not, pay up your subscription, grab a huge bottle of (alcohol-free) wine, and prepare to laugh your heart out as Ali uses her insane sense of humor to describe pregnancy, birth, and motherhood.

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10 On Conceiving

trying to concieve

Have you conceived after years and thousands of trials, and now finally! Finally, the pregnancy test gives you that positive test you've dreamed of for so long. Below, Ali Wong uses her quirky sense of humor to make light of her struggle trying to conceive:

“I’m 33, and I did have to get a little bit of science involved when trying to get pregnant. And a lot of that… is most likely my fault. Because, when I was in my 20s, I ate Plan B like skittles. So, my uterus probably looked like a smoker’s lung.”

9 On Bodily Changes

Bodily changes

Feeling the pressure to get your celeb-famous post-baby bod? Or maybe you didn't see the bizarre breast changes coming! Well, you are not alone, as Ali herself could not find better words to describe just how incredibly your body transforms itself! Besides, what right does anyone have to pressure you into working out while you got a baby to breastfeed, right?

RELATED: Woman Born Without Uterus Falls Pregnant Thanks To Uterine Donation & Transplant

“People don’t tell you about all this s*** that goes down with your body when you get pregnant, you know? Your nipples get huge and dark. I didn’t know that they get dark so that the baby can see, like, a bulls-eye. So that the baby can find it easier. My nipples look like Whoppers now, and naked, I look like a Minion.”

8 How Parenthood Changed Her Career

mom-working

Pregnancy changes you from all dimensions: physically, emotionally, mentally, and professionally. Not to mention how dads almost seem to get away with the post-baby responsibilities and the serious impact they have on their careers! While having a baby jeopardizes your career as the mom, dad's career flourishes! Unfair, right? Here's what Ali had to say:

“It’s very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform while pregnant, because female comics… don’t get pregnant. Just try to think of one. Once they do get pregnant, they generally disappear. That’s not the case with male comics. Once they have a baby, they’ll get up on stage a week afterwards and they’ll be like, ‘Guys, I just had this f*****g baby. That baby’s a little piece of s***. It’s so annoying and boring.’ And all these other s****y dads in the audience are, like, ‘That’s hilarious. I identify.’”

7 Double Standards For Moms & Dads

happy-dad-and-kids

Many moms will agree that many comments regarding their competence as mothers will often come, but rarely will dad ever receive any bashes. In fact, all they get is praise for just sitting there! Ali expressed the same sentiment:

“I can already see how there’s, like, this crazy double standard in our society of how it takes so little to be considered a great dad. And it also takes so little to be considered a s****y mom. People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me. ‘Oh, my God. I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.’ Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments: Me!”

6 On Mom Groups

mom groups

All new moms will agree: even though new mom groups are so wrought with drama, hormones, and stress, joining one is good for your mental and psychological well-being. Who are you going to rant to anyway about baby's nighttime irritability and dad's urging you to go comfort them outside your bedroom so he can sleep? Ali Wong agreed:

“I joined a new mom group in Los Angeles. I don’t find any of these b*****s particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave it’s like ’The Walking Dead,’ you’ve just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.”

5 Childbirth Is Way Messier Than Most People Envision It

messy childbirth

No mom is prepared for the intense moment of childbirth. Here you get to yell, scream, feel a 10 on the pain scale, and apparently, poop on the table! However, nothing beats the pleasure of finally holding your little one in your arms. Even dad will stay right there, even though he may be astounded, and wait for the magical moment. Ali described those intense moments perfectly.

RELATED: 20 Unsettling Things New Moms Need To Know About Contractions

“A lot of women tried to freak me out about childbirth by saying, ‘Ali, did you know that you’re gonna poop on the table?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, I look forward to it.’  ...You just s*** on the floor in front of the love of your life. And just when you think that’s enough to make him finally leave you, boom, a baby comes out, and he gotta stay. That’s the real miracle of life, right there.”

4 The State Of Maternity Leave In America

maternity leave

Every mom wishes they could take a break to see to their recovery and to bond with their newborn, but apparently, that just doesn't happen! Ali said it best:

“In every other first-world country ― Canada, France, Germany ― women get up to three years of paid maternity leave. In the U.S. we get jack s***. There is zero federal policy for maternity leave. Maternity leave is not just to bond with the baby, f*** the baby. Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-a** bodies.”

3 On Postpartum Bleeding

postpartum bleeding

Most moms do not know that they will experience a massive amount of bloody discharge right after delivery that is absolutely normal. Here’s how Ali describes her experience:

“Nobody told me about all the crazy s*** that comes out of your p***y after you give birth. Do you know what happens after the baby comes out? Do you know what else exists? Her house. Her living room, her pillows… the Bob Marley poster… all the food that went bad in her refrigerator… for months! So then you have to wear this cartoonishly large pad. That’s like the size of a toddler mattress.”

2 Breastfeeding Is Not A Walk In The Park

If you think that breastfeeding is going to be a walk in the park, you might want to read this hilarious but incredibly accurate perspective from Ali:

“Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony, where I would feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ would play. No! It’s not like that at all! Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now!”

1 The Stress Of Checking Baby’s Diaper

changing baby diaper

Another thing that all new moms must contend with is keeping up with the responsibility of keeping baby all clean and smelling nice. No one wants to coo and aah over a smelly baby! Here's what Ali had to say on cleaning up:

“A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby, OK? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos. With a human baby, you just have to guess and check your intuition by sniffing its a**… 26 times a day. And you can’t phone it in and sniff it from afar. You really gotta flip the baby over, plant your face in the baby’s a**  and give it a good yoga inhale with your mouth and everything because the inside of your nose has been singed from all the poo-poo smelling.”

Laughing about the challenges you face in motherhood is one surefire way of reducing stress, getting a new perspective, and giving yourself a much-needed break. The raw, uncut quotes from Ali Wong clearly show that you are not alone and that the difficulties you are experiencing are not alien.

NEXT: 10 Things That Could Be A Red Flag After Baby's Delivery

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