Sarah went back to work after giving birth 8 weeks prior. She knew that she had to get back to work or she was going to lose her job. Her hair was kind of a mess, she knew she was going to have to pump during her breaks and she was still having a tough time walking. As she walked into her office she was greeted with a whole bunch of different looks from her coworkers. She got a few comments that were a bit annoying. One coworker said, "what are you doing with the baby?"  Another person asked, "Don't you feel bad leaving the baby with somebody else?" Women began asking, "so, are you not going to breastfeed your baby anymore?" Sarah had to deal with people silently and verbally judging her for "choosing her job over her baby." Why don't men get treated that same way? When are we going to start judging dads the same way that we judge moms?

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Daniel went back to work two weeks after Sarah gave birth. He went back to work because he had run out of vacation days and his office didn't provide paternity leave. He walked into his office and everybody smiled as he walked in. His coworkers congratulated him and some even asked to see pictures. Some coworkers asked how his wife was feeling and he responded with "oh she is tired but she is doing well." And then everybody went back to work. Not one person asked him, "so where is the baby?" Not one person questioned him why he was returning to work. Not one person inquired as to his decision to choose his career over his baby. Why do men not get held to the same standard?

No parents should be made to feel guilty about going back to work. That is nobody's business but the parents. If a mother wants to go back to work, cool. If a mother wants to stay home, cool. If the parents have decided that the dad is going to stay home and the mom is going to go to work, cool. The most important thing is that wherever the baby is that he is taken care of and safe. Everybody needs to stop shaming mothers for going back to work. If people are going to continue shaming moms then they need to start asking the same things to dads and making the same comments.

Moms have historically been represented as the comforter and the individual who is in charge of raising children, taking care of the home, and tending to the needs of the husband. Obviously, the role of the mother has evolved and become more modern. Many women are still staying at home and taking care of their children, but there are also many women who have gone to work after giving birth. Women were "supposed" to stay at home because there wasn't such a thing as daycare "back in the day" and it made more sense for women to stay home. Women are the ones who are pregnant, healing from pregnancy, and then breastfeeding the baby. It just made sense. Now, it sometimes doesn't make sense for women to always have to stay at home after having a baby. Many women work throughout their pregnancy and then switch to formula or pump while at work. It is 2020, we are all striving for gender equality, so why are we not moving away from the old way of thinking?

There are many dads who would love to have more paternity leave. Yes, being at home is very tough, but they want to be near their wife and their new baby. With my second child, my husband only got two days off. He had just switched to a new job and so he hadn't gained a lot of days. When he returned to work he was quite devastated. He didn't want to go but one of us needed to go to work and I obviously couldn't go since I gave birth two days prior. He went to work and he couldn't think about anything else. He said that people were surprised that he was back to work already but nobody shamed him. Not one person made him feel guilty. He was so happy that nobody shamed him because it was already so difficult for him to leave his wife and his baby. He knew how hard and exhausting it was with both of us and so he just knew that he was leaving me alone with a 16-month-old and a 2 day old. He said it would have been a lot harder if people made him feel guilty for returning to work even though he didn't have a choice.

Even when dad's return to work they are often expected to return to work at the same momentum as they were going before they had the baby. When the baby is sick and can't get to childcare, the women have to take off the day. When the baby needs to go to an appointment the mother typically has to be the one who takes the baby. She is the one who has to take time off work to go and handle the stress of a sick baby. Those same coworkers who shamed the mom for returning to work and leaving the baby with some "random person" are the same people who are now shaming mom for having to take more time off work to tend to their child. If dad takes off work he is questioned as to why "mom wouldn't do it" or he is labeled "such a great father."

Working moms absolutely have it harder. Yes, I am a mother, and so I get that I am a bit bias. However, the majority of men would agree that mothers have a more difficult time working. Moms are shamed if they are staying at home with their kids but then they are shamed for returning to work. It seems right when a woman gets pregnant she gets asked, "are you going to still work?" If a wife got pregnant, people wouldn't be asking the dad-to-be, "Hey, are you going to still work?" He would probably look at them and say, "well, duh!"

We all really need to stop pitting working parents and stay-at-home parents against each other. It makes no sense. I am a stay-at-home mother who works from home. I stay at home with my children. My husband goes to work every day. I love being at home with my kids (even though it is very hard) and my hubby likes being the one to support our family. However, if I woke up tomorrow and I decided I wanted to leave the house and find work outside of the home I should be able to do that without being questioned about my reasoning. Nobody should ask me, "why?" And certainly, nobody should make me feel guilty for making that decision for my family. Every family is different and so nobody should shame another family for doing something they feel is best.

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